UncleChunky

I have spent the better part of the day crying, hurting, reading. I've never been in this spot before. You can see my original post in the new comers area, I think it belongs here in substance abuse as the other area seems to be geared toward alcoholism. Sure I quit smoking, a pain but that seems easy now compared to what I am going through. I am a good person, a good career, a wonderful family. I have alot to be greatful for.
As I read these posts, all age groups, are getting affected by substance abuse. Sure I read the papers and hear the reports of growing drug dependence. I merely shifted from alcohol to pills. easier to hide.
The stories I read are pretty much the same. I feel for each and every one of you. I have alot of tears and hurt left too. We are all good people who made a wrong turn. Some are victims of pain management, who overused the pain meds. Some switched vices. Others are just genetically wired for depedency. There are many reasons.
I hope we see under the new direction of our government, more emphasis put on helping substance abuse than putting people in jail. Offering free help to those who cant afford it. Obviously trying to keep drugs out of our hands is not working at all. I can get oxy 80 for $5 ea And dont ask where cause I wont tell you. So I hope they see the solution as fixing the people and not the sources, altough the sources need to be fixed we know they wont go away. They havent in over 40 years.
I am not going to 12 step yet. Monday I am going to my doctor, who knows, my file was flagged for drug seeking. I don't think he knows to what extent. I am going to get some ambien to sleep cause I hear that gets read hard, and maybe some xanax and 800mg ibuprofin. My next move will be to call a addiction councelor. I dont need a drug councelor, I have addiction problems. I need to figure out where they are coming from and how to successfully deal with those issues. I've also got to dump every private board I was a member on, sever all ties. Kill the hushmail accounts.
We are all good people and I know we can make it.
There is a good book by a rockstar called The Heroin Diaries, we are not alone and many people from all walks of life have battled and beaten this disease.

whiskerkissed

Nikki Sixx has definitely been there.

Ambien and xanax aren't going to do you any good. It will only add to the list of drugs you will have used. While it's tough as h*ll to detox and find sleep through it all...it will happen when it's time. It was nearly 2 months before I had a full nights sleep and it was pure bliss. I still had to work during this period and I am thankful for an understanding boss.

I've never seen an addictionologist, but someone in the fellowship has. While the the specialist offered some great help, it was still suggested this guy still get into a program. Be your own success story. The program is there to help you help yourself...

Stagebear

Welcome.
Good start.
Lighten up on the politics...you don't need to cloud your head with that right now.
This is not helpful here...and can just bombard you with PM's.
12 step doesn't help everyone but I'm fairly certain it can't hurt when you're this raw. At least it's an hour or so when you won't be using and will hear some solutions.
Sounds like you are the doctor. You have it all mapped out.
Maybe this should be your first move?
What you need is to stop deciding what you need and ask for help from people near you who can do so. Tell your doctor the whole truth, see a counselor and/or hit a 12 step meeting.
Hoping you do something other than "think it through" I remain,

UncleChunky

Well its nearing the end of day 5.
I can't believe how much better I feel physically. Mentally, its still a rollercoaster. I made an appt with an addiction specialist for wed (tomorrow) and saw my doc today. I asked him if I could tell him something without it going into my medical record, he said yes. We had a very good talk, he told me the truth and changed my medicine (diabetes, etc..) he gave me some ambien for sleep and a note to give to my boss.
I am looking forward to my meeting with the counselor tomorrow. She and I have our work cut out for us. I am determined I will work as hard as I can to get to the core of my personality disorder.
I still share tears everyday with my family and on my own, the hurt is going away slowly. It feels good to let the hurt out.
On the plus side, I can go to the bathroom normally again (TMI?) my appetite is coming back too. I plan on changing eating habits to a healthier regime as well as some excesize even if it is just a short walk.
I never believed in god, something yes, but not god. I cannot help tho that feeling I have an angel over my shoulder guiding me through this all.
I appreciate a site like this, I still feel very much alone, but as my doc mentioned, I am seeing things through a strange set of eyes that are focused on one issue and still cant see the world around me, but he says that comes in time. He said in about a month that things will begin to seem brighter and more fulfilling.
I also read a short book today called 'Who moved my cheese?' If you get a chance, give it a read. Its an easy 80 page book, I am going to re-read it and let the message sink in a little more since I feel some things are still not sticking.
We are good people who made a left turn, if we try and want to change, we can find our way back to the path that we were once on.
god (something) bless

UncleChunky

Wow! It is day 7. Just a few days ago this point seemed like it would never come!! Actually the longest days of my life looking back now have seemed to fly by.....strange. This makes me much less afraid of tomorrow.

I saw my new counselor yesterday and I think that if I honestly work together with her that I can get to the source of my addictive personality.

ALso back to work full time, it was wierd at first, but now feels good to be back into a familiar routine. I had a moment where I got a little ansy so I went for a short 15 minute walk and felt the anxiety float away.

Thanks to my angel for getting me this far, and this is by all accounts supposed to be the worst part. I hear I have 3 more weeks of ups and downs, but compared to that first week, this should be fairly easy, I just make sure that I have my support group at the ready if I need them.

kittens5

You sound like you are doing much better!!! You seemed to have turned a corner....you can tell...the whole tone of your posts changed....for the better! Keep up the good work....it's people like you...who inspire new people like me!! xoxo

UncleChunky

8 days - I thought today might be hard because I used to be a hardcore weekend warrior, doubling down, taking something different, really getting in there and mixing it all up. Actually aside from the extremely shaky hands today it went quite well. This afternoon and evening I haven't had any urges to use, not even alcohol (which has always been a fallback drug for me).
I must admit tho, I did find a 10 pack of valium and didnt throw them away......I gotta get up and make myself do that..argh! If I want to stay clean I have to remove all substances. No thinking "might need em for a rainy day", stinking thinking I think they call it.
To the rest of you fighting this fight, it is possible to beat!

serenityqueen

Glad you're feeling better and seeing things more clearly.

I just feel the need to bring one thing to your attention. . . I realize your Dr. said that it will take about a month before things are a lot better. I just hope you aren't literally counting the days down. Don't be surprised if the magic 30 day mark of your month comes and goes and you aren't feeling 100%. Have you ever heard of Post Acute Withdrawals? (PAWS) These symptoms and feelings, much like the one's you feel in the stages of withdrawal, can come back out of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. I don't know what the "official" time frame is, but I've heard up to two years or so. I remember having these pop up even when I had many months "in."

Just keep things One Day at A Time. The only day you need to be concerned with is the day you are on. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet.

BTW, I am very familiar with the book, The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx. I have a great deal of respect for him for putting his life when he was in the height of his addiction out there like that. A pretty eye opening picture into the life of what some think is the glamourous world of sex, drugs and rock and roll. Have you heard the CD, The Heroin Diaries Soundtrack? It is incredible! I have listened to my CD hundreds of times and some of the songs still bring tears to my eyes, very moving.

Keep it Simple,
Judy

christin1225

Don't know what to say about your screen name --- other than to each their own .

But, I do know what to say about this thread ---

Awesome job, UC! Really awesome!

UncleChunky

Its Day 10...still clean and sober.
Let me tell ya tho, had someone poured a pile of coke in front of me yesterday, I would have done it all. The craving went away.
tonight I am having some withdrawl feelings, where I get hot and cold, a bit anxious. My hands still shake something crazy. I feel good tho, I find that sitting around at home and doing nothing seems to make things harder. I am glad that tomorrow is Monday for a change. Gotta be careful not to turn into a work-a-holic tho.

A weird feeling that I have been experiencing is that now since I feel almost normal it'd be alright to eat a couple of 80's just for ***** and giggles. I am better now, not addicted anymore so one time wont hurt. It's a dangerous place to be. I know better than to use of course. I may have to try AA or something, unfortunatly there is only one a week here in this 100 square mile of pine trees, deer and bear.

As you said Serenity, 30 days isn't a magic number. I actually can foresee where I am going to hit difficult times over the course of the summer. An a family member is having a very painful and long recovery surgery in a month or so, so there will be no shortage of pills. That will be a test for me indeed. Also events when I used every time, doing them sober will be different, probably more fun, but the desire will be there. I didn't know about the withdrawl feeling later on, but I can see them as a direct relation to craving. Just a brain trick?

SIXX AM I do listen to that cd often. I agree, it brings forth alot of emotion. The girl with golden eyes. To those who like rock, i'd suggest listening to it, and reading the book.

Thanks Christin
I get asked about the name alot, I honestly don't know where the name came from....

In a Tailspin

But my guess is you won't be the only one there. And I know a few people who live in MT, and they all have phones. So maybe some of your fellow live-in-the-stickites will provide you with the magic 7 digits needed to make their phone ring. Then, you will have an impromptu *meeting* at your fingertips whenever you think you would like one. Guess my point is, go to a meeting, meet people, and don't try to keep it inside the walls and time frames of the weekly meeting. It can be as big or as small as you want it to be.

And BTW - - a big CONGRATULATIONS to you for 10 days. That's awesome!!

UncleChunky

Cool beans mon! 14 days now!!! I feel confident now that I got this thing beat. I will have to watch and learn to recognize the pitfalls ahead of me.
Counseling is alot of help. My psychotherapist wants me to try meditation, by damned I am gonna give it a try. What do I have to lose? She said it helps you recognize negative thinking and be more mentally ready to defeat the craving that will come from no where. I am actually very curious about meditation, I will have to come back and write about my experience with it.

1 day at a time is an insane trick to learn, but its working!

Good luck to all you others going through recovery! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Fubarcdn

Good job Unc. Keep at it and don't let your guard down.

emmer

know where I'm at UC? I hit bottom on sunday and i know one thing from it all.

I have absolutley had it, with listening to my own idea's concerning getting clean.

Now I'm listening to people who have been there, and been successful.
......So it's off to meetings and staying till the end, using my phone list,listening to sponser,going to d/a for counseliing and to mental health for counselling too.

my own ideas were just crap, and lead straight to my bottom. I never want to go there ever again.

UncleChunky

Emmer,
addiction is a bitch. I have been fighting it for over 20 years. I've been through all sorts of addictions. I'd quit one thing and move onto another thinking I had successfully defeated my problems.

I started smoking at 15, doing meth and smoking pot. Quit everything at 18 except for cigarettes. A few months and then it was booze for 10 years, with a healthy stint of meth abuse in there (have all the expensive teeth fillings to prove it). I again quit everything except the smokes. Stayed sober for 18 months before I started drinking again. Booze was my buddy until my wife started having issues with my drinking. I found gambling and pills, quit the booze. Then I successfully quit smoking, by far the hardest over the duration of time. 5 years later I still crave those nasty little things. The pills were by far the easiest thing to hide. Got into coke and benzos too. Pills, coke, and benzos were my crutch for the last 3 years. I don't know what made me hit rock bottom and decide to quit. I had tried a few times half assed, i'd get 3-4 days and cave in. This last time tho...was different. My point is, sometimes you hit rockbottom more than once or twice, but you know when you finally hit rock bottom. It takes a while to figure out what it is that will help you succeed. I got alot of inspiration from others here and books. Sleep aids, ibuprofin, orange juice, three square meals a day, also helped alot.

Now in my middle adulthood I realize that I have an issue with addiction and not so much the drugs, although I love the euphoria, love it alot! I am willing to use every tool available to stay away from that and learn that I do not need the addictions anymore to feel happy. It will require alot of hard work between me and my counselor, as we think I am using to cover childhood issues and personality disorder. Alot of digging deep. Also her suggestion of meditation and journal keeping of the things I have in my life to be greatful about. The goal is to learn how to recognize negative thinking and how to discard those feelings that depress me and make me want to use. It's a complicated beast. There are many great inspirational stories here and in books that help me. AA and NA meetings are helpful as well.
You are 4 days in, your almost through the worst! You can read what has helped me through this hell. However, what works for one may not work for another. Don't let it get you down, keep your chin up. Addiction is a bitch, but it is treatable. You'll find what is right for you. You are in my thought and prayers. I think you have it in you to be successful this time!

UncleChunky

21 days-
Looking back it seems like so long ago that I became sober. Even though I had a bout of withdrawl like symtoms this past weekend, it seems like forever since I quit. Saturday afternoon was just awful..the strongest withdrawls and craving I have experienced since day 7. It took about 24 hours to pass then I felt good again. Beyond the date that I quit I cannot remember much, its all blurry and hazy. It's a bummer I missed out on a couple years of life and can't remember much.
I feel better with each day that passes, sure there are some ups and downs, but overall I feel so much better than I did 3 weeks ago.
Now if I could just get some sleep and my hands would quit shaking i'd be a happy camper!!
I finally learned how to accept a 'higher power' in my life. Since I am agnostic and don't really buy into religion; the concept of a christian god was too much. However, I have learned to feel an energy about us all, something so divine and complex it cannot be described as a man like figure. It's almost magical, we move within it and its currents carry us if we let them. I am learning to go with the flow and not fight it with thoughts and addiction. It's helped me to let go of some inhibitions I harbored for so long. There truly is hope if determination within if you seek to find it.

Timebuster

A spiritual awakening of your understanding…maybe?