What I've Become.....
Perfectly Imperfect
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: H
Posts: 129
What I've Become.....
It's been a while since I've been on. For all of you who don't know my story, here it is in short. I've always been an honest, good and decent person. One of those good girls who never did drugs and didn't really drink except the occassional social event. About 7 months ago, I fell in love with a man who I later found out was addicted to pain killers. He is on a program that uses suboxone to recover however, he abuses that as well.
A few months ago, I was so entangled in what he was doing, where he was and if he was going to kill himself. One night, I fell hard. I slit my wrists and wound up in the pshych ward. I loved him so much and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I was so depressed from thinking he was going to kill himself that I ended up losing myself in him. I was becoming a horrible mom and didn't really like myself. I got help.
We moved in together and everything seemed to be going fine. Now, the worst has happened.
I was an enabler, as much as I hated to admit it. In one of my enabling events, my world turned upside down. Now, instead of an enabler, I am writing to you as an addict. A cocaine addict.
We have spent so much money. We have so much to lose. I don't know what to do. I can't go into rehab because I will lose my job and with the economy the way it is, I definitely wouldn't be getting another one anytime soon. It has not gotten to the point where I steal or sell my stuff but if I keep going, I'm sure it would.
I love cocaine. I love the way I feel when I do it. But I also hate cocaine. I hate the way it takes all of our money. I hate the way I'm an addict instead of the mother I should be. I hate the way it separates him and I because we are each so busy doing stuff that we end up not spending time with each other. And mostly, I hate the guilt and depression that follow. I swear I'll never touch it again and then a couple days later, we are back at it. I don't know what to do.
Advice would be good right now. I'm sure you are all shaking your head wondering how I could be so stupid. I deserve that.
A few months ago, I was so entangled in what he was doing, where he was and if he was going to kill himself. One night, I fell hard. I slit my wrists and wound up in the pshych ward. I loved him so much and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I was so depressed from thinking he was going to kill himself that I ended up losing myself in him. I was becoming a horrible mom and didn't really like myself. I got help.
We moved in together and everything seemed to be going fine. Now, the worst has happened.
I was an enabler, as much as I hated to admit it. In one of my enabling events, my world turned upside down. Now, instead of an enabler, I am writing to you as an addict. A cocaine addict.
We have spent so much money. We have so much to lose. I don't know what to do. I can't go into rehab because I will lose my job and with the economy the way it is, I definitely wouldn't be getting another one anytime soon. It has not gotten to the point where I steal or sell my stuff but if I keep going, I'm sure it would.
I love cocaine. I love the way I feel when I do it. But I also hate cocaine. I hate the way it takes all of our money. I hate the way I'm an addict instead of the mother I should be. I hate the way it separates him and I because we are each so busy doing stuff that we end up not spending time with each other. And mostly, I hate the guilt and depression that follow. I swear I'll never touch it again and then a couple days later, we are back at it. I don't know what to do.
Advice would be good right now. I'm sure you are all shaking your head wondering how I could be so stupid. I deserve that.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Have you ever been to a NA meeting? Those are free. You can work and still go to meetings.
But if it came down to going to rehab or holding onto a job......your life is worth more than a paycheck. I don't know about you--but I have overdosed before while using. With all the stuff they put in drugs these days, you really have no idea what ingredients are being used to make it.
I would suggest finding an outside support group for help....along with coming here to SR for additional support. You never have to use again--no matter what!
But if it came down to going to rehab or holding onto a job......your life is worth more than a paycheck. I don't know about you--but I have overdosed before while using. With all the stuff they put in drugs these days, you really have no idea what ingredients are being used to make it.
I would suggest finding an outside support group for help....along with coming here to SR for additional support. You never have to use again--no matter what!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 333
First of all, every one of us on here has done things that we would never in our lives imagined ourselves doing. We can not judge each other because we wouldn't be here in the first place if we were all "perfect". So, enough beating yourself up about all the things you are doing wrong and lets start thinking about little things you can change right now and start making right.
I know that when you are in the situation you think it is different from anyone else's and they don't feel the way that you do but I just want to tell you something. From my personal experience, being with an addict and being an addict myself, I am thankful to God each and every single day that we are both still alive. In my opinion, again this is just my opinion, but it is impossible to get clean AND STAY CLEAN while in a relationship with an addict. I was with someone for 5 years, when we met he was hooked on coke and I was hooked on vikes and percs, from there our love grew and so did our addictions. Then we were both hooked on Oxycontin's.
Our addictions turned us against each other, if he was not home I thought he was out getting high without me, if I wasn't home he thought I was out trying to score behind his back. In the midst of all of this our first child was born. You would think this would have made us better people right? Wrong, I would decide that was it for me, I was not using anymore, I would go through about 2 days of w/d and then by the 2nd day, I would ask him for a line and there I was again, able to function but right back in the cycle. We stole, from our families, from each other, we nearly killed each other a few nights, we lied to get money, I stole money from my grandmother and my mother mostly to make him happy because when we had no money to support our habits, it was my fault and I was the bad one that did this to us so I would get the money so he could get his fix and be nicer.
One night we didn't have anything, and things had really gone down hill in the last year or so, but I loved him and I did not want to admit that in order to stay alive and keep my son, I would have to leave him. We were about to be evicted from our apartment, I couldn't find a job, there was no money, our car was broken down, my family wouldn't help me anymore, his family wouldn't even talk to us. It all came to a head and we both flipped out, I hit him ,he strangled me, he tried to kill me.
The downstairs neighbor broke through the door and got him off of me. I grabbed my son and the diaper bag and ran out of the house. With the clothes I was wearing, no money, no car. I walked to my grandmother's and begged her to let me stay with her so I could get clean and re-start my life.
That was almost 15 years ago now. I have learned a lot in these last years.
Here is what I want to tell you: I felt responsible for my boyfriend. I felt that if I left him so i could get clean, what about him? How could I live my life without him? But now I know if I had not of left that night, we would have killed each other or our addictions would have killed us. I also knew that even though an addict's life is no life to lead, I would miss the whole process of it, you know trying to find something, getting the money together, going and getting it, and then the rush when you are chopping it up and ready to do your first line. But that gets old too.
And now I know that it really had nothing to do with how he really felt about me, now he is clean also and we have resolved all the things that happened in the past. I know that he did and does still love me as I will always love him. But we can not be together because our personalities do not thrive off of each other, they drag each other down. My leaving was the best thing for me and our son, and although at first my bf blamed me for every bad thing that happened, including him being an addict even though he already was when I met him, he has turned his life around also in the last 4 years. I whole heartedly do not believe that either of us would be clean now if we had stayed together.
Again, everyone is different but please, please take some time for yourself in the next few days. Look at how your life was the last 2 years or so before you hooked up with your boyfriend, then look at how your life has changed since you have been together, then look at how your life will be 2 years from now with him, and without him. Be honest with yourself. You need to put yourself first. If you really, truly do not see your life getting better with him, you have to make a move. Deal with your problems first, be there for your kid, once your life is straightened out then you can be of some help to him, that is if he is even ready for it. Remember you can not help someone that does not want to help themselves. My ex-bf was not ready to help himself until about 5 years ago, but once he was ready he knew I would be there for him and I was. But you need to take care of yourself first.
I am praying for you, please let us know how you are doing!!
I know that when you are in the situation you think it is different from anyone else's and they don't feel the way that you do but I just want to tell you something. From my personal experience, being with an addict and being an addict myself, I am thankful to God each and every single day that we are both still alive. In my opinion, again this is just my opinion, but it is impossible to get clean AND STAY CLEAN while in a relationship with an addict. I was with someone for 5 years, when we met he was hooked on coke and I was hooked on vikes and percs, from there our love grew and so did our addictions. Then we were both hooked on Oxycontin's.
Our addictions turned us against each other, if he was not home I thought he was out getting high without me, if I wasn't home he thought I was out trying to score behind his back. In the midst of all of this our first child was born. You would think this would have made us better people right? Wrong, I would decide that was it for me, I was not using anymore, I would go through about 2 days of w/d and then by the 2nd day, I would ask him for a line and there I was again, able to function but right back in the cycle. We stole, from our families, from each other, we nearly killed each other a few nights, we lied to get money, I stole money from my grandmother and my mother mostly to make him happy because when we had no money to support our habits, it was my fault and I was the bad one that did this to us so I would get the money so he could get his fix and be nicer.
One night we didn't have anything, and things had really gone down hill in the last year or so, but I loved him and I did not want to admit that in order to stay alive and keep my son, I would have to leave him. We were about to be evicted from our apartment, I couldn't find a job, there was no money, our car was broken down, my family wouldn't help me anymore, his family wouldn't even talk to us. It all came to a head and we both flipped out, I hit him ,he strangled me, he tried to kill me.
The downstairs neighbor broke through the door and got him off of me. I grabbed my son and the diaper bag and ran out of the house. With the clothes I was wearing, no money, no car. I walked to my grandmother's and begged her to let me stay with her so I could get clean and re-start my life.
That was almost 15 years ago now. I have learned a lot in these last years.
Here is what I want to tell you: I felt responsible for my boyfriend. I felt that if I left him so i could get clean, what about him? How could I live my life without him? But now I know if I had not of left that night, we would have killed each other or our addictions would have killed us. I also knew that even though an addict's life is no life to lead, I would miss the whole process of it, you know trying to find something, getting the money together, going and getting it, and then the rush when you are chopping it up and ready to do your first line. But that gets old too.
And now I know that it really had nothing to do with how he really felt about me, now he is clean also and we have resolved all the things that happened in the past. I know that he did and does still love me as I will always love him. But we can not be together because our personalities do not thrive off of each other, they drag each other down. My leaving was the best thing for me and our son, and although at first my bf blamed me for every bad thing that happened, including him being an addict even though he already was when I met him, he has turned his life around also in the last 4 years. I whole heartedly do not believe that either of us would be clean now if we had stayed together.
Again, everyone is different but please, please take some time for yourself in the next few days. Look at how your life was the last 2 years or so before you hooked up with your boyfriend, then look at how your life has changed since you have been together, then look at how your life will be 2 years from now with him, and without him. Be honest with yourself. You need to put yourself first. If you really, truly do not see your life getting better with him, you have to make a move. Deal with your problems first, be there for your kid, once your life is straightened out then you can be of some help to him, that is if he is even ready for it. Remember you can not help someone that does not want to help themselves. My ex-bf was not ready to help himself until about 5 years ago, but once he was ready he knew I would be there for him and I was. But you need to take care of yourself first.
I am praying for you, please let us know how you are doing!!
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
Well, you are no stupider than me!!
I was a good girl too. Did stuff, but could take it or leave it for years. Like you, fell in love with an addict. Then it all took off! And when we split up three years ago, I never felt pain like it. So I medicated it all away!
And now I'm an addict too. At least I understand him at last!!! If we had stayed together, we would have disappeared down a deep, dark hole, I have no doubt of that at all. And my kids would have been left behind.
Sounds like you two could do the same thing. Meetings, as said above. NA, CA, AA - if you really want it, it will work. Write off for NA/AA literature. IMHO, better than all the psycho-babble in the world!!
Just seen Mads post - so identify with the fighting over drugs - whose getting high without who etc!!! I remember being curled up on the floor, trying to stop him getting something from me - for goodness sake!!! We were worse than the kids!
He ended up trying to strangle me too! I was no saint, lol, but not sure I deserved THAT!!!!
I was a good girl too. Did stuff, but could take it or leave it for years. Like you, fell in love with an addict. Then it all took off! And when we split up three years ago, I never felt pain like it. So I medicated it all away!
And now I'm an addict too. At least I understand him at last!!! If we had stayed together, we would have disappeared down a deep, dark hole, I have no doubt of that at all. And my kids would have been left behind.
Sounds like you two could do the same thing. Meetings, as said above. NA, CA, AA - if you really want it, it will work. Write off for NA/AA literature. IMHO, better than all the psycho-babble in the world!!
Just seen Mads post - so identify with the fighting over drugs - whose getting high without who etc!!! I remember being curled up on the floor, trying to stop him getting something from me - for goodness sake!!! We were worse than the kids!
He ended up trying to strangle me too! I was no saint, lol, but not sure I deserved THAT!!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Upstate,NY
Posts: 489
You need to make the decision that you are not going to do this anymore.It does not sound like you have.Cocaine is less addicting than some other stuff some of us are dealing with.Many people have quit.You need to do it together or you need to do it without him, but you need to stop.Cocaine seems great, but you end up chasing that first great high and never catch it.Then you wind up paranoid checking the windows and bumming out about the money you wasted. This is a Dead end street, get off !!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I can totally understand where you're coming from. My addiction also started because of my codependency. Like the others above me, there was no way I could tackle MY addiction with a partner who is still using. I know of one relationship, where both people tacked their addiction together, and are doing very well, but it is very rare.
I was addicted to crack. I never went to rehab, but I did spend almost 6 months locked up. I've clung to SR, spent a LOT of time here, and have found working on my codependcy and my addiction issues at the same time invaluable. If anything will trigger me wanting to use, the most, it will be codependency.
I highly recommend not only AA or NA, but al-anon or nar-anon. If you're anything like me, you have GOT to deal with the codie stuff. For me, they had become so intertwined, it was almost impossible to separate them. We have to learn to love ourselves, more than we love anyone else or any drug.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was addicted to crack. I never went to rehab, but I did spend almost 6 months locked up. I've clung to SR, spent a LOT of time here, and have found working on my codependcy and my addiction issues at the same time invaluable. If anything will trigger me wanting to use, the most, it will be codependency.
I highly recommend not only AA or NA, but al-anon or nar-anon. If you're anything like me, you have GOT to deal with the codie stuff. For me, they had become so intertwined, it was almost impossible to separate them. We have to learn to love ourselves, more than we love anyone else or any drug.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
Think your STUPID....?????
Intelligence has abslolutely nothing to do with it!!! You are smart..you know what is up. You know that it WILL only get worse and all those YETS..will happen to you to...
SO you can stop it...but probably not by yourself right now..you need support..keep posting here..
You said that you got help...and moved in together?? Is he willing to get clean??
Don't worry about the damn economy right now...if at all possible..I know things are hard but if you take care of yourself right now...all those pieces will work themselves out...we are pretty powerless over alot of stuff but our sobriety and LIVES are at stake unless we can stay clean right???
I just feel for you..I know what it is like to get so down and insane ...that we do things we don't want to do..but are just trying to keep the pain at bay...
So can you go one day...maybe today...without using...? Try that for a start and know that we are right here CHEEring you on!!!
LOVE NORTH
Intelligence has abslolutely nothing to do with it!!! You are smart..you know what is up. You know that it WILL only get worse and all those YETS..will happen to you to...
SO you can stop it...but probably not by yourself right now..you need support..keep posting here..
You said that you got help...and moved in together?? Is he willing to get clean??
Don't worry about the damn economy right now...if at all possible..I know things are hard but if you take care of yourself right now...all those pieces will work themselves out...we are pretty powerless over alot of stuff but our sobriety and LIVES are at stake unless we can stay clean right???
I just feel for you..I know what it is like to get so down and insane ...that we do things we don't want to do..but are just trying to keep the pain at bay...
So can you go one day...maybe today...without using...? Try that for a start and know that we are right here CHEEring you on!!!
LOVE NORTH
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 39
I know what you are going through. I was doing 2 grams a day and quit cold turkey. I was completely out of control just last April and seeked out help. I ended up losing my share in a business even after I quit. But life goes on. You have to make your recovery your number one objective. When I first was getting off I saw a nutritionist to help me with my. Here is what she put me on...
1. 2 pints of fresh blueberries every day.
2. in the morning a 1/4 cup of pure cranberry juice (a name brand of "just cranberries") mixed with 1/4 cup water and a 1/2 a lemon.
3. Vitamin B
4. Multi Vitamins
Also do a colon cleanser. I good one is Oxy-mag. you can order it on the internet for about 30 bucks from a site called live live out of new york.
These things are done to help get the drug deposits out of your system. But you still will have cravings unless you eat right and work out.
I also followed a book "Body for Life" to the tee. The reason is that if you eat the right combination of foods it will take the cravings away. Also, if you exercise it releases endorfins which gives you a natural high.
I recently relapsed for 1 day but I had gone back to alot of my old dietary habits and lack of exercise. Needless to say I'm back on the program.
You can do this without losing your job as long as no one currently knows. But you have to put your mind to it 100%.
If you need any help with it please let me know. It will be difficult at first but it is achievable and it is worth it.
1. 2 pints of fresh blueberries every day.
2. in the morning a 1/4 cup of pure cranberry juice (a name brand of "just cranberries") mixed with 1/4 cup water and a 1/2 a lemon.
3. Vitamin B
4. Multi Vitamins
Also do a colon cleanser. I good one is Oxy-mag. you can order it on the internet for about 30 bucks from a site called live live out of new york.
These things are done to help get the drug deposits out of your system. But you still will have cravings unless you eat right and work out.
I also followed a book "Body for Life" to the tee. The reason is that if you eat the right combination of foods it will take the cravings away. Also, if you exercise it releases endorfins which gives you a natural high.
I recently relapsed for 1 day but I had gone back to alot of my old dietary habits and lack of exercise. Needless to say I'm back on the program.
You can do this without losing your job as long as no one currently knows. But you have to put your mind to it 100%.
If you need any help with it please let me know. It will be difficult at first but it is achievable and it is worth it.
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