madriley

Okay, so I tried to talk with my husband about this tonight and he sooo didn't get it. Then I thought never mind I'll go on the site later and put it out there for people that will really hear what I am saying.
I have really started looking back over the last, well, I guess my whole life starting from childhood because that is where my issues started I guess. I haven't gotten it all figured out yet and I still have walls hiding the hardest things that happened but I did figure out this: I have been doing drugs since I was 10. I had my first drink when I was 9. I liked the way the pills made me feel more than the alcohol so I strayed towards that. For the last 10 years or so I have always said that I smoked weed alot in high school and popped pills now and then but I was never hooked on anything. And my reason for my addiction to Oxy's and Methadone was that I couldn't get through the withdrawals. I was bs-ing myself all these years!!! I started stealing my mother's pills when I was a kid because I wanted someone to notice me. I guess that was my way of screaming out for help, we didn't talk about anything that was going on, and I didn't know how to deal with it so I started taking drugs. The only problem was that no one ever noticed and I never stopped. Nobody noticed when I had to have my stomach pumped because I had mixed too much valium, crack, vicoden and alcohol a few nights in a row. Nobody noticed when my mother found me out cold in my room with lines of coke on my dresser and powder on my nose. But I can't blame any of them. I can't blame my family for what they did to me. I can't blame my parents for not noticing that I was heading towards hell. I can only blame myself because I liked the feeling I got when I got high and it would cloud my mind so I was someone else and all my problems disappeared. Everything is just fine. I took the easy way out. Even now that I am a grown woman with a husband and children of my own I was still taking the easy way out because I did not want to think about these things that are so ugly that make up my life. But I am letting them run my life and even though the beginning of my life was awful, some out of my control and some within my control, I can make the rest of my life what I want it to be. I don't want to be the person that I became when I was 9 years old, I want to be the person who is inside of me that has been trying to speak up for so many years and I never had the courage to listen. I never had the courage to do anything but use drugs to make me better so I could deal with and get through another day. Well, I want to LIVE all the days that I have left here so that is why I am getting clean.
Sorry this is so long, I just had so much going on inside my head I had to get it out somehow. Hopefully I can fall asleep now, goodnight all, sweet dreams!

Edge2007

Hi Madriley,

I know exactly what you mean when you mention drinking and pill popping to get attention. That is such a slippery slope, isn't it?

But since you know where your issues are that makes you ahead of the game. So many people use and have no idea why so how can they brek the cycle? But you do know so now you can make peace with it and heal yourself.

Problems in childhood can haunt you forever if you let it. But you are in control of you and no one else no matter how they may have hurt you or neglected you. I guess you can say you used them as fuel for your addiction if you realized it or not at the time.

Be strong. You really can do anything you want but after years of s**t it is really hard to beleive it.

I am wishing you the best and sending warm thoughts to you!

Edge2007

madriley

Alright so I guess this is my first test in trying to get clean. I had asked my husband last week if he could take some days off this week so I could get through this without the kids even knowing really. He is leaving on Monday for another week of training so I need to be at least 75% by then because it's just me again with the kids. Well, he said that he hadn't asked and we got into an argument about it. So the next day he says it's all set. Well he was supposed to have taken today and tomorrow off. He leaves this morning and returns about 20 minutes ago like everything is right as rain. So, of course we get into a fight and he say's he had to go in to work. I asked him if he had really taken the days off and he said no.

The only thing I want to do right now is something to make me numb so I can get on with the day and what I need to do and say f$%^k you to him.
Okay I am a little calmer now so I will talk myself out of it. Will my going out and getting high hurt him or me? Me... he could care less really except that it costs too much money. If it was cheap he would not even notice. So I won't but man I want to hit something right now (preferably him) but I won't.

This site really does help. I guess just the writing lets you sort through how you are feeling and maybe helps us to think clearer when we're done instead of reaching for the instant gratification and my "blankie".
Thanks for listening, have a great day everyone!

LuvBuckley

Hi Madriley. Thats a good point you made....if you use, you're only hurting yourself, not him. My first reaction when I argue with my husband is always the same. I want a pill. Like "I'll show him"! Its absurd, really.

Stay strong

madriley

You are so right LuvBuckley!!! Now why did it take me all these years to figure this out? My head must be getting clearer if I am starting to think somewhat rationally. Wow, it's been a long time since I've done that!! Thanks again!! Keep up the fight! :ghug

vicodaniel

Mad,
I wish your husband could be more helpful and understanding, but people who haven't been there just don't get it. I figure you must be sicker than hell right now, you are doing great. Hang in there !

madriley

I am just learning all this great stuff now that my mind is becoming clearer day after day. I was thinking about the last years and how deep I got into the "drug world" and what my reasons were. Well, I know that one of my main reasons was because of the w/d but there's more to it than that.

I started drugs to get attention and then just kept doing them cuz I liked how they made me feel. But the only thing that they allowed me to do was wear a mask for the last ten years so nobody else could see what was really going on inside my head. I could not let anyone know who the REAL Jessica was cuz they won't like her. I was raised to never cause trouble, go with the flow and not to reveal any problems there may be. Doing drugs all these years let me do that. But who was I still doing that for? I haven't lived home since I was 17 so I've been out of my parent's house for 10 years, I don't have to please them anymore. Right? No I don't but for some reason I believed that I still had to. I could not bring up any of the past issues or anything that might be negative or bring about emotions. I got so used to doing that for THEM that I never realized I was just wearing a mask all of these years so I would not bring any unpleasantness to my family's life.

In no way does this mean that now I am going to face all of these issues with them. I really think it would just cause more problems than resolve anything, it's way past that. But maybe now that I understand a little more why I used it will help me to deal with life without drugs. I hope so.

Sorry I talk so much, it just really helps to get it all out there on the screen you know?

Sugah

I said it here a little while back, but I'm not the first to say it: Drugs weren't my problem; they were my solution.

Recovery isn't so much dealing with the external issues or changing anyone else. It's about learning how to live. Jessica, you're getting the poison out of your system, eliminating the symptom--or the salve--that keeps the root of the problem covered up. Have you ever seen the roots of a sumac? You can cut off the tops, but it takes a whole lot of digging to get to the roots, else they'll just pop right back up again.

My buddy Gooch used to post the JFT readings. Here's one that seems to speak directly to what you're talking about:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tml#post431049

You're taking care of the symptoms. Now, you can see the problem. Ready to face it head on?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Spica

You keep on talking. It sounds to me that you have gotten some great insight into who you are and what steps brought you to this place. That is one of the biggest battles - if we do not make changes then we are stuck with the same patterns that eventually get us into the same mess all over again.

The bupe doc I met with on Wednsday was very big on understanding what changes I needed to work on in order to not walk down the oxy path again.

Keep up the great work. The fact that you are going through all of this pain and growth under your own volition says tons about your character and strength. You are an amazing person and I can admit that your talking and sharing your path has made a direct impact on how my life will be going. (...after I whine my way through the withdrawal period that is...)

northbelle

I think it is good to finally talk about stuff that we havenot spoken before..I mean it is your truth...its not about trying to soaund good or be OK..We can help each other by really "listening " and not judging...then we are free to create a NEW story when we dump our old ones...I don't know ab out you guys..but I really desire a little happiness!!!
I am going to go soak in a hot bath....
I went and sat outiside and did some writing this morning... on paper!!!
love north

madriley

Sugah, thanks so much for that link! I could not believe how dead on it was with everything, it made me cry. I think I need to do a really good crying bout. I haven't really cried in years.... maybe that will help me sleep!! Thanks again!

Thank you Spica! I am happy that some of my craziness has helped you but I want you to know how much your posts have helped me, especially when I am at wits end!

And North!! Congrats on the new job!! You are amazing! Also, thank you for your post. What you said about ditching the old stories and getting new stories really clicked. I never thought of it like that. You know what's funny I would always look at others in my family who are always bringing up bad stuff from the past and I would say, hey I went through a hell of a lot more than that and I don't treat my parents like that! But instead of DEALING with all of it, I took it out on myself. Thanks for the help and keep writing (here and on paper)!!!

Timebuster

Addition is so cunning and baffling and powerful.

My personal experience. When I came back in to the rooms as a newcomer I was on empty. Morally, spiritually and physically empty. I had no feelings what so ever. Without drugs in my body I felt num. I had to create an entirely new situation in my life in order to overcome my addiction to mind altering substance. Think about it: my whole entire life revolved around using drugs. Either I was getting high on drugs, or I was working so that I could get the money to do so. This became my routine; my whole meaning for existence. My only thoughts were to use drugs and find the ways and means to get more.

So think about it: take an addict who is deeply obsessed with getting and using drugs, and simply remove those chemicals one day. What are you going to be left with? A shell of a person is one way put it. When we get clean, there is a massive void that needs to be filled. This void cannot be filled up with things. Nor can it be satisfied through other potentially harmful behaviors, like trading one addiction for another. This does not work, and always leads a person back to their drug of choice.

Were do character defects come to play in our attempt to recover from our past and present insanity. We wasn’t born with character defects, we created our own character defects by being in denial practically all our life’s, for one reason or another. In denial we built walls around us to protect us, from who, from are own self. Can you imagine getting up in the morning and what I perceive to be reality, in all that I see, in all that I feel. I look in the mirror and I see a person, a person who was full of fear, distrust and emptiness.

I carried around repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, resentment and anger. But as a young adult I did not recognize these feelings. I build walls around me to protect me from the outside world. I do not want you to discover me, even though I don’t know who I am. I put on an image and begin to play lets pretend. I create an illusion of self. So now the show must go on.

I live this image, day in and day out. This lie I created, this emotional state, this desire to escape reality, has very painful consequences. As I live in this lie, I want you to like me. Everything I touch, anything I perceive to be love, people, places and things are false.

These choices I made are from my addicts mind. I created a world around me of false self. I continue living with this false self. Since I was attempting to do life according to false beliefs. I could never have any inner peace. I judged myself and my life experience, both consciously and unconsciously, out of a my dysfunctional belief system, so its not possible to stop being at war within.

At the core of my being, I felt like I was a defective monster, some kind of shameful, unlovable loser, and I directed this pain toward others. I created a false self to run away from the pain of childhood. And I substituted one hellish nightmare for another. At seventeen came that first drink. Drinking justified all my wrong doings. Took away all the repressed pain, terror, shame, rage, guilt, resentment and anger. Alcohol made me feel alive. Alcohol reinforced my false self. At eighteen came the drugs. I spent many years living a lie. Many years abusing mind altering substances.

With my addictive, mind, mood altering substance behavior, the very thing that brought some relief from the internal war and mental anguish. The substance or behavior that gave me feelings of escape, of rising above my life of quiet desperation, of feeling good becomes something that I feel is necessary just to feel normal. Then eventually, normal becomes very low indeed.

In active addiction, I used character defects as a shield against attack. This was my 'survival kit'. I seldom told the truth because I lived in an illusion created and maintained by my lies. Fear and distrust motivated me to build walls to protect me from emotional or physical harm. Only to discover that these walls had become my prisons. I used anger and intimidation to keep people away. Fear of people approaching me. I feared that if they got too close they would see through the games I was playing to the hollow inside.

Every time I go through a surrender in my recovery I am letting go of some of the ego definitions, character defect that have defined my relationship with myself and life. I have to let go of the attitudes and beliefs that I adapted because of the emotional trauma that I suffered as a child (which are still buried in my subconscious until I became willing to look at them and let them go).

Working on my recovery, I am better able to notice my character defects, short-comings, negative thoughts, anger, resentments and personality flaws. When we are honest with ourselves we gain the capacity for positive change to occur. Our desire for positive change helps us to feel better about ourselves. We become more aware of our true person, enabling us to have the opportunity to make the required changes necessary to grow in our recovery. I will not fear life anymore. Instead I will challenge it.


The compulsive obsession of addiction controls our lives. It lies to us and it tells us that we can handle it, that we have the answers to all our problems. The more lies we tell our selves the deeper in denial we become. We addicts have an internal survival mode. We must survive another day no matter what it cost us.

The reality is that when we look back nothing has change; our best thinking has got us nowhere. We are now deeper in to despair and hopelessness. Our lives have become so unmanageable that the only way we addicts know how to cope with the pain in our reality is to have another drug.

Ivan

ccgirl2

Grrrr! I still can't get the thank you button to work. You've gotten such good advice.


I have a great, understanding husband, but as wonderful as he is, he hasn't walked in our shoes either, so he wasn't so great when I got clean either. I sat in a hospital in Boston, 75 miles from home, and he didn't come to see me. He called every day, but said he couldn't get away from work. I resented him for a while, but then I tried to put myself in his position, and honestly, I don't know what I would have done either.

What about Al-Anon? Although, good luck on that one, too, lol. My husband promised to go, but its never worked out.

madriley

Timebuster: You have really gotten control of your addiction and you understand it. Your words were so clear and powerful. Thank you for the insight to a better understanding of myself. It's always easier to see it in other people than it is to see it in yourself.

And CC, I know what you mean about the husband thing. My husband is supportive as far as how I feel physically, but he doesn't understand that my task is not to get off of the drugs, it is to NEVER go back to them. He doesn't see that there are reasons I have done this all of my life and I can't even fully explain it to myself yet so I will wait until I am ready to bring him into my mind!!As scary as that is! I don't know if I could've forgiven my hubby though if he didn't come see me in the hospital. Although, it was probably hard for him to see you in that condition but still, I would hold a grudge. Not healthy though so it's a good thing you don't! I used to live about 45 minutes from Boston too. I miss it so much. The south just is not for me, I'll take good old New England any day!!