Spycekat

Wow, everybody here on SR are so kind & caring!! I have heard nothing but nice, encouraging, inspiring words from every single comment I have received from my posts.

So now, I'm becoming a little more comfortable talking about very, very sensitive issues.

I want to talk about one. One that I have NEVER, EVER, talked about out loud or typed. It's so embarrassing if anyone knew me on here I would absolutely die.

But it's such a private issue for me, I seriously don't know if I'm the only one in the world that feels this way.





Ok here it goes... it's about sex BTW so, for some of you, it may be inappropriate so please don't read on.

Ok, ok. So I'm a hydro addict. I recently got cut off from being rx'd to it for a year. I noticed something. Ugh, I hate talking about this. So I'll just blurt it out, I can't have sex with my loving, sweet, awesome boyfriend unless I'm on hydro's.

I have NO sex drive AT ALL & this is the man who owns my heart, who I plan on marrying & spending the rest of my life with. I don't find him sexually interesting AT ALL when I'm sober.

Then I start to get mad at myself & it radiates to him & I start getting mad at him. He doesn't know about this.

It seems like the only time I am ever interested in having sex is when I have my hydrocodone high. I feel like an animal, beautiful & confident. I'm energized, uninhibited & basically for a lack of better words "rocks his socks."

But when I'm not high, I feel yucky. I find him disgusting. I find myself disgusting & don't want him to see me or kiss me. When I look in the mirror I honest to God want to barf. I always have to fake that I'm having fun. It hurts down there OMG I know TMI but it's true so it's very painful.

I just don't understand this at all. Actually, when I first started hydro's only on occasion for recreational use, that's exactly why I would buy them, because for me it was like "female Viagra." So I guess I've always associated hydro's with good sex because I'm not embarrassed, more energetic, yadda yadda.

I just don't understand why I feel this way. I love my BF so much & I don't want to lose him. When I used to buy them recreationaly years ago, I would tell my friends "OMG hydrocodone! That makes me so h***y" & they'd be like "WTF, it doesn't make me feel that way."

I'm so embarrassed right now, & I'm alone typing on a computer. But I just want to know if ANYBODY knows why I feel like this.

I love my BF & I can't even remember the last time I actually had pleasurable sex with him when I am sober. It makes me so mad.

I don't find ANYTHING in my life interesting anymore. I just sit & write a lot or watch T.V, just like a zombie.

I can't talk about this anymore, I'm too embarrassed.

ColdSweat

I was (am, but, sober, 13 days) a hydro/lortab addict too. Any narcotic, really, or booze, but hydro were my pills of choice. I had angry sex on hydros and it was wonderful. Though, even though my running-use of them only lasted for about 2/3 years, I can't remember any other time being sexually active on them that was any better or worse than sober-sex. It just made me calm, it made me be able to communicate easier, I could slow things down in my head and comprehend things better... honey I would talk to an MD about your pain down there. Thoughts, love, and support with you <3

ccgirl2

I've been clean for 14 months. At first you're not able to have any kind of drive, lol. That's the withdrawal. Actually, after a while on hydros, I completely lost my sex drive; it was only after a bit of time did it come back; much better than while on the drugs. In the meantime, just fake it til you make it, LOL

Lily

it will come back! I have almost 8 months clean now! Sheila

kj3880

I had the same problem pain pill addiction. It took about 90 days off of them for the drive to come back for me. It's different for everyone but it will come back for you too. I promise.
KJ

WLDKATZ

same thing here I TOTALLY lost it for awhile then it came back with a vengance, but I know mmine started when I told him how I felt, we were in marriage counceling (yes you dont have to be married to have it!) and I finally spilled, he was like OMG you still rock my world.........I was so embarassed to tell him that....now we have a totally open relationship and the sex is AWSOME for a lack of better word.......good luck!!!!!

Sugah

Just some thoughts....

First, from reading your other posts, I don't think you've been any definition of clean long enough to have any idea how you feel about sex. It takes time for the toxins to leave our bodies so that we know what our normal responses are. I know what my patience threshold was early on, so telling you to be patient may not be what you want to hear. I'll suggest it anyway.

Second, I read about your weight and struggle stealing your mother's diet pills. Rapid weight loss, especially when it takes us down below a healthy weight, will screw with our bodies natural hormones - not just those produced by our ovaries, though that's a part of it. I have no ovaries but still notice the fluctuations if my weight falls below the healthy level for me - which, at 5'5" is under 100lbs. At that point, I could take or leave sex and have to make a special effort to get myself in a sexual frame of mind - so that my body will follow.

My suggestions, then, are a) give yourself some time to be clean and b) work on your physical health. If you still feel the way you describe (sounds like body dysmorphic disorder to me - but, hey, I'm just a layperson, not a shrink), then perhaps it's time to seek some professional help if it's troublesome. Considering a plan of recovery would be a good (and possibly life-saving) move to make, too. I use a 12 Step program to treat my underlying condition so that I can stay clean/sober.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

windysan

give it time. the weiner and the vajayjay get back to normal.

dancinggirl

OMG....hahaha..windysan...you crack me up!

Spycekat: I know it's frustrating, but things do work themselves out given time. When we first get sober/clean, it feels like such a huge amount of time, but it takes a lot longer than we can imagine for our BODIES/MINDS to also feel healthy. Patience, girl. Would your bf be supportive if you told him that you wanted a specific amount of time without sex, while you work on your sobriety (not sure if that term works for drugs, but you know what I mean)? Then you could start at the beginning again, with the kissing, cuddling, getting to know each other sober part.

And now I must chase a mouse out of my store. Arrrgh.

Spycekat

Wow I can't believe these posts were from 10 years ago!!! IM STILL HERE!!! AND IM CLEAN FINALLY!!!!! I finally got clean on May 2, 2014 but it's all because of methadone. The man I was talking about in this forum left me in 2009. I met my now husband in 2011 and he knew I was a raging pill addict. I tried everything under the sun to get clean until I was near death in April 2014. I finally gave in and tried Methadone. IT GAVE ME MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But the sex problems... oh man...... so the first 4 years of our relationship my now husband thought I was an animal in bed. But he knew since day 1 I was super weird about sex and had to be on something to be able to. When I got clean our marriage almost ended. He knew I had problems and always promised he would always be there, that he's gone years without sex before and just wanted me to get better. HAHAHAHAH yeah... that didn't last very long. After not having sex for like 2 months our marriage was on the rocks. He would yell at me, tell me he hates me, says he feels like I'm his roommate. It was so depressing. I switched to suboxone in November 2018 and the sex drive got a little better. I still struggle with it today, but it's getting much better. I've always been super weird about that kind of stuff even before my addiction started, thanks to being molested at a young age and sexual abuse in a previous relationship. I always used the pills to be brave and confident. But I would say, to anyone out there starting out in their sobriety journey, it took me about 3 years of being clean to feel semi normal again. Well.. what I would assume a normal non addict would feel like, I wouldn't know because I 've been an addict my whole life. But I'm still here!!! I've been with my amazing husband for 8 years! Life is good!!!! I OWE MY LIFE TO METHADONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you all are doing good out there! these old posts I wrote make me bawl hysterically I'm just so glad to be here still

Dee74

I'm so glad things are better now spycecat

D

CharlesG