Draciack

My Story, Four Years Later

On May 2, 2014, I quietly realized that I had completed my fourth year of sobriety. It did not come with pomp and a cake, with a sense of triumph or victory. I was pensive throughout the day, and I thought a lot about what it meant, what it still means to me to be sober today, what recovery, for me, really is.

For the first five months of 2010, I had been an active alcoholic. I drank a lot, for what seemed like forever, and existed in a sort of fugue state--shapes were fuzzy, a layer of fog overlaid everything, and the only clear thing every day was that whiskey bottle waiting on the kitchen counter.

There's a time I think when we all realize we need to quit (or else we wouldn't be on a site like this, right?) and mine came in early April of 2010. I rationalizing a drink in celebration of completing my thesis, just one drink, always one. I remember driving to the liquor store for a fresh bottle, with a little, just a little, bit of apprehension that something was going wrong. When I returned home, I poured a glass, drank it, poured another, drank it, and had in total 13 drinks in three hours. I blacked out, am lucky I didn't die of alcohol poisoning, and when I came to, there was a small voice in my head, very calm, very still. It said, "I'm an alcoholic."

There are moments when I know something larger than me is working in my life and this is one of them. The denial I had built for years was stripped away in one moment and all that was left was to seek help. The week of May 2, I entered the rooms of AA and been sober since.

But I don't want to focus on the drinking story too much. It's important, because it qualifies me as an alcoholic, but I think people too often focus on who we were, rather than who we are today, who we are becoming.

Recovery from anything, but in particular alcoholism, can be a joyous thing. It can also be sad, tough, rough, phenomenal, exciting, and interesting. It's much more interesting than the dull routine of drinking, where everything, for me at least, always stayed roughly the same.

What's it like now?

It's life, as cliche as that sounds. I've graduated from college, gotten jobs, had my own place, fallen in love, and written story after story. I like writing. It keeps me in a better place when the chips are down. I've also lost jobs, lost apartments, fallen out of love, been in mental hospitals, and realized that alcoholism was masking a great deal more than I originally thought.

I thought it was just a matter of taking away the booze and I would straighten up. I couldn't have been more wrong.

But it's hopeful too, and there's growth, personal and spiritual that comes with recovery I think if we let it. I treasure personal relationships more, my relationships with family and friends and people in recovery communities. I can actually sit still and appreciate small things. I could never do that when I drinking. I was always looking for the next big thing, the next challenge, the next whatever that would take me and my life to the next level.

It's something I always need to remind myself of. Regardless of my circumstances, I'm fine as I am. Because I'm sober. And because something out there loves and cares about me.

I think acceptance of our condition is the key to growth, the key to change. Any time I've made a big change in sobriety, it's been based on that acceptance. A sort of "okay, what do I need to do next" kind of thing.

I've struggled in sobriety many times, with many different things, but I wouldn't trade this life for the life before it ever. I know myself better now and I know the people around me better too. I love them and can show compassion to myself, which I never could have done before. I've grown in sobriety--the way I treat people, the way I act, the person whom I am. That's a precious thing. And the most precious thing of all? I can help those who are coming in the rooms, just like other people helped me four years ago. Service, to me, means everything.

That about does it. I know I focused a lot on what my version of recovery looks like, rather than my drinking career. I hope that's okay. Thanks for reading, and I wish you a very happy Thursday. I'm grateful for this community. I'm grateful for you all as well.

Take care!