Carol87 Story
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 187
Carol87 Story
I grew up a sickly child with rheumatic fever and asthma, an overly protective mother and a father who loved to drink .. all of which was to blame for why I was so dysfunctional myself!! Nothing was ever my fault. However at the same time, I had zero self-esteem; the only time I felt like I was SOMEBODY was when I was drinking. As I remember it, I was obnoxious and loud, saw myself as the life of the party.
As a result of growing up in such a dysfunctional home, one day I found myself in a 12 Step program devoted to people just like me. People who were blaming everyone else and not accepting responsibility for their own actions. I stayed there for almost two years and a part of that time was well spent since it did eventually help me deal with some of the childhood issues; however, one day I realized that alcohol was becoming very important to me … to the extent that I started drinking at home by myself at exactly the same time every day until I either passed out or blacked out. That doesn’t even cover the times I drank in the bars and don’t remember getting home. So I made a decision that WHEN the scotch/wine was gone (no thought of pouring it down the drain), I would stop drinking. I did that and was SO miserable, I wasn’t drinking, I had no idea what to do with myself, didn’t understand what I was feeling. And the times I white knuckled it past the liquor store are so scary. I even tried the so-called non-alcoholic wines. Whatever kept me sober, I don’t know. I did that for seven LONG months until finally, one day after I had been asked repeatedly, I said “Yes” I will go to the Saturday Noon meeting of AA with you. That is the day my life started changing. I wanted what I saw in those rooms ~~ especially the LAUGHTER! But I had no idea how to get it and I spent the first three years in AA questioning whether I was or was not alcoholic. After all, I WAS different. My concept of an alcoholic was of the skid row type; I did not fit that image. I had not lost a job, had not had a DWI, had never been arrested ... all things I was sure were necessary to qualify. But some invisible force kept me coming back (God?), the third tradition was my lifeline. But I was not about to let you know who I was so I went to mega speaker meetings so I wouldn’t have to share, refused to get a sponsor for a very long time, ignored the steps and questioned whether or not I fit for way too long. Finally someone got tired of my litany and led me to the following page in the BB that answered all of my questions.
"Could I be an alcoholic without some of the hair-raising experiences I had heard of in meetings? The answer came to me very simply in the first step of the Twelve Steps of AA. 'We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.' This didn't say we had to be in jail, ten, fifty, or one hundred times. It didn't say I had to lose one, five or ten jobs. It didn't say I had to lose my family. It didn't say I had to finally live on skid row and drink bay rum, canned heat or lemon extract. It did say 'admitted I was powerless over alcohol; that my life had become unmanageable.'
Most certainly I was powerless over alcohol, and for me, my life had become unmanageable. It wasn't how far I had gone, but where I was headed. It was important to me to see what alcohol had done to me and would continue to do if I didn't have help." - excerpt page 379, Alcoholics Anonymous, Third Edition, page 354, Fourth Edition
Today I have no doubts that I am alcoholic. I have God in my life, I chair an average of two meetings a week, still go to at least four meetings a week, cannot imagine life without a sponsor ~~ especially the one I have today, I sponsor others.
My only regret is that I wasted so much time questioning what I was when I could have been in recovery. In other words, I could have been "IN" AA instead of "AROUND" AA. If there is such a person, then, Yes, I qualify as a high bottom drunk and I am so glad I do!! Because without this program, I would not be here today, I would have drank myself to an early death I’m sure.
I have been through the death of both of my parents, a battle with cancer, and other medical problems … all during sobriety …. without taking a drink.
If you are new and reading this wondering if you belong, just remember this from the above quote from the BB of Alcoholics Anonymous:
It wasn't how far I had gone, but where I was headed. It was important to me to see what alcohol had done to me and would continue to do if I didn't have help.
Carol(87)
DOS 7-16-87
As a result of growing up in such a dysfunctional home, one day I found myself in a 12 Step program devoted to people just like me. People who were blaming everyone else and not accepting responsibility for their own actions. I stayed there for almost two years and a part of that time was well spent since it did eventually help me deal with some of the childhood issues; however, one day I realized that alcohol was becoming very important to me … to the extent that I started drinking at home by myself at exactly the same time every day until I either passed out or blacked out. That doesn’t even cover the times I drank in the bars and don’t remember getting home. So I made a decision that WHEN the scotch/wine was gone (no thought of pouring it down the drain), I would stop drinking. I did that and was SO miserable, I wasn’t drinking, I had no idea what to do with myself, didn’t understand what I was feeling. And the times I white knuckled it past the liquor store are so scary. I even tried the so-called non-alcoholic wines. Whatever kept me sober, I don’t know. I did that for seven LONG months until finally, one day after I had been asked repeatedly, I said “Yes” I will go to the Saturday Noon meeting of AA with you. That is the day my life started changing. I wanted what I saw in those rooms ~~ especially the LAUGHTER! But I had no idea how to get it and I spent the first three years in AA questioning whether I was or was not alcoholic. After all, I WAS different. My concept of an alcoholic was of the skid row type; I did not fit that image. I had not lost a job, had not had a DWI, had never been arrested ... all things I was sure were necessary to qualify. But some invisible force kept me coming back (God?), the third tradition was my lifeline. But I was not about to let you know who I was so I went to mega speaker meetings so I wouldn’t have to share, refused to get a sponsor for a very long time, ignored the steps and questioned whether or not I fit for way too long. Finally someone got tired of my litany and led me to the following page in the BB that answered all of my questions.
"Could I be an alcoholic without some of the hair-raising experiences I had heard of in meetings? The answer came to me very simply in the first step of the Twelve Steps of AA. 'We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.' This didn't say we had to be in jail, ten, fifty, or one hundred times. It didn't say I had to lose one, five or ten jobs. It didn't say I had to lose my family. It didn't say I had to finally live on skid row and drink bay rum, canned heat or lemon extract. It did say 'admitted I was powerless over alcohol; that my life had become unmanageable.'
Most certainly I was powerless over alcohol, and for me, my life had become unmanageable. It wasn't how far I had gone, but where I was headed. It was important to me to see what alcohol had done to me and would continue to do if I didn't have help." - excerpt page 379, Alcoholics Anonymous, Third Edition, page 354, Fourth Edition
Today I have no doubts that I am alcoholic. I have God in my life, I chair an average of two meetings a week, still go to at least four meetings a week, cannot imagine life without a sponsor ~~ especially the one I have today, I sponsor others.
My only regret is that I wasted so much time questioning what I was when I could have been in recovery. In other words, I could have been "IN" AA instead of "AROUND" AA. If there is such a person, then, Yes, I qualify as a high bottom drunk and I am so glad I do!! Because without this program, I would not be here today, I would have drank myself to an early death I’m sure.
I have been through the death of both of my parents, a battle with cancer, and other medical problems … all during sobriety …. without taking a drink.
If you are new and reading this wondering if you belong, just remember this from the above quote from the BB of Alcoholics Anonymous:
It wasn't how far I had gone, but where I was headed. It was important to me to see what alcohol had done to me and would continue to do if I didn't have help.
Carol(87)
DOS 7-16-87
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