Lilya

I was an unwanted child, conceived when my parents had separated and my mother was living with her parents. She went back to him because of me but their marriage was always unhappy when I was a child and my mother blamed me for her unhappiness. She used to lock herself up in the bathroom, always telling me and my brother that she couldn´t stand us and then bursting into tears.

My father was an artist and we lived in communes with other artists all over the world, mainly in Spain, France and a country in Scandinavia. My father had mistresses and flaunted them when he was travelling with me and my brother. I remember clearly when I was 9 and my brother 5 and we were in London, not speaking the language and in the mistresse´s house. My father forgot about us and we got back to Paris after number of difficulties.

I was molested by an elderly neighbour in Paris when I was 6 so my sexuality blossomed early and became dysfunctional. I molested my brother and we were lovers in our teens. By the age of 13 my father sent me alone on a trip to Marocco, I was then living in Spain, and told me I would have to learn to survive by my skills and brains. I got into countless trouble, but it was an enjoyable experience.

My father smoked Hashish and encouraged us children to smoke and drink. He was the total hippie and an artist to boot. He encouraged me to go hitchiking over Europe at the age of 15. By then I had started using Cocaine, Mescaline and Hashish, and had been arrested once for carrying illegal weapons, selling booze and for soliciting. I lived in Greece for a while, supported myself by dancing and by various illegal activites. I continued living that way, being in and out of jail, travelling all over the world and being with very dangerous people. I was raped, got almost killed many times and was almost sent to Africa because of my relationship with a very dangerous man. I went back to Paris after that.

I was a Cocaine addict and had been trying for a long time to stop, but was unable to. I got pregnant with a bodyguard from New York in my late teens and had a daughter, but she was taken from me by the Social Services.

That trauma resulted in a positive thing. I decided on my own to stop using Cocaine. That was a long, difficult process. I used alcohol and Valium for the withdrawals that took 6 months to go away. I´ve never been through so much hell. A year later I started living with someone and had another daughter. This one I could keep with the help of my mother and aunts.

I went through college and got into University. There I got into trouble again by using too much booze and having countless lovers. It´s really too boring to write about. Fastforward until 1986 when I met the love of my life, a mysterious man with a mysterious past. We got engaged and decided to get married in my favorite church in Paris. Everything was in place, the wedding-dress, the guestlist, etc, when my fiancé disappeared three weeks before the wedding. I went to look for him at his place and the concierge told me he had moved out in the middle of the night. A friend of his told me he had got back to Canada where he had an ex-wife and that he was probably still married.

I went through hell after that and my drinking escalated until I had a black-out in early September 1986. When I woke up, I was in a car with three unknown men on their way to the country and they had stopped at a gas-station. I managed to get out of the car, fainted and woke up in intensive care with my skull broken.
I never touched alcohol after that. Two days after the incident I went to my first AA meeting and haven´t looked back. I managed to get my life in order, finished my PhD from Paris University and got married. That ended with my husband becoming involved with a cult in India. Oddly, at the same time, my daughter started living in a cult as well, but a different one in Europe. Both cults are dangerous and both left me pennyless. I tried to get my husband and daughter out with all my means, but I have to admit after years of struggle that the pain is not worth it and that I have to sever my ties with them.

I became a gambler for some time but managed to stop, thanks to GA. My last bet was in 1992.

I started my career and did well, first as a journalist, then as a professional writer, playwrite, documentary film maker, model and movie extra and a teacher. I needed to get a pardon from the mayor in my community and got it. My juvenile records are sealed and wont be open until I die. I formed a support group for people who have been involved in illegal activites in their youth and also a group for exploring relationships. Both groups are active in Paris, my native city. I work for the SAMU (Red cross) as a volunteer and I go to shelters to help young people who have drug problems and help ex-convicts to get jobs and to establish themselves in the community.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar depression in 1996 and was not surprised. Lots of things fell into place and I had easier time forgiving myself. It´s hard to live with my past and people are very judgmental. Since two of my books are tought at University and five of my articles tought in highschool and college, I find that attitude has changed.

I have finally reached a point in my life where I´m at peace with myself and my family. I have many nieces and nephews, one of whom I fostered as my own son, and I have some of them on weekends and a part of each summer. I travel a lot and I´m blessed with many friends and wonderful family members. Right now I´m thinking of applying for a teacher´s post in Cambridge University in England, seeing new things, meeting new people and researching new subjects. I am also writing my autobiography and have signed a contract with my editor. I hope it will help someone to deal with a similar experience.

At 45, I have decided to be celibate for the time being, as I´m working on my sick attitude towards relationships. I was abused and I did abuse. I cannot change that, only how I deal with that. I have a therapist to help me through that phase but I don´t see myself with another man in the forseeable future. I´m happy on my own and I find it a miracle that I managed to free myself of bondage and become a person who is respected by her family and friends. I owe AA and my inner strenght my life. It´s a simple as that.