Pamsters

I started drinking when I was 16 with people from work. I felt accepted in some form of crowd. I wasn't in any "in" crowd in high school. I continued to college and really drank and partied. I got kicked out of school my first year because of such bad grades. When I got home I was continuely drinking; I looked older then my age so I was able to go to night clubs and not get i.d 'd or anything. I started smoking crack at 23-24. My boyfriend introduced to me like a cigarette. I was drunk and I smoked it. I've been addicted ever since. 3 months later was when I went to my first treatment center. I continued to use and not use for 10 years. In and out of different treatment centers. I went into treatment when I was pregnant both times because I couldn't stop on my own I did need help and I didn't want a crack baby. Yet I still couldn't find my path to recovery. It took a lot more physcial/emotional/verbal/sexual abuse to get to where I am now. I had my kids taken away to foster homes twice because of unstable enviroments in my home between smoking/drinking and abusive boyfriends. When I realized that I may never see my kids again or raise them myself; I did what I had to do. THEY weren't worth losing my kids over. It took awhile though to let go of my control over my life to someone else but it was all for the better. I had a great child protection worker who hammered into my stubborn brain what could happen to my kids and me. I turned to God because I wanted/needed help. I prayed a lot for my families' safety. I prayed to take away my craving to use. I made a committment to God. I let go of my control and gave it back to him. Today, I have 19 months clean. I have a great sponsor and wonderful, true friends I know I could call on whenever I needed them. I attend NA meetings 3 times a week and I even chair one of them. I never thought I could get this far and feel actually happy. But I am!!! It takes every day to be grateful and give my control back to god when I try to take it back. That is o.k. Now I am living life on life's terms. Thank you, NA