Fluttering

WHAT IT WAS LIKE
Just like many others what it was like was ...hell on earth.

Lived in violence and many other atrocities that no child should ever have to live through. Did whatever I could to escape life and my feelings.
When the alcohol didn't get me far enough away from reality then I added the chemicals and took anything to the wall and beyond. Did a great many geographics but always found myself in the same place doing the same stupid things and getting the same results.... I was a survivor and that made me an independent B---h. I didn't need anyone....


WHAT HAPPENED

In 1985 I came to in a hospital in Mexico and was told I had been beaten, raped and left on the side of the road to die. I was zapped back to life twice in that emergency room. In addition to being severely underweight, the broken bones and internal bleeding from the rape and beating I now had several broken ribs from them doing CPR. I had been given a rufie which added more toxic chemicals to the deadly mix of alcohol and drugs I had already taken on my own and I was so dangerously dehydratred they had to take drastic measures to just get an IV started.

I had no idea of how I had even gotten to Mexico and soon realized I was AWOL from the military base I was stationed at. Prior to my release from that hospital a couple phone calls told me I would be facing a court martial on my return...The rebel that I was ...I never followed the rules...I was fraternizing with an officer. He went to bat for me at the court martial with one huge demand on me to get help or he would hang me out to dry on my own. He was the only friend I had at the time. Tho I know I screwed up I did not wnat a dishonorable discharge and I did not want to loose the only friend I had...I took the number he gave me for the Central Office of Narcotics Anonymous. It took me several days and every ounce of courage I could muster to call. I went to several meetings and felt more alone than I had ever felt in my life. No one would talk to me... No one came close enough to even welcome me. I told my friend it was a waste of time...I didn't belong there. He would not give up on me and gave me the number for Alcoholics Anonymous. [September 1985] My friend drug me yelling and screaming into my first AA meeting. I believe there are still claw marks on the door jambs of those rooms.

I could not understand anything that was being said... Nor could I see myself joining such a cult. My friend bought me my first Big Book and my first 12 X12 and told me I had to continue to attend the meetings. he introduced me to many people. There was so much laughrter there I just knew they had to be smoking something...else why would they be so happy to be there?

Something was said about getting a sponsor, reading the Big Book and this weird bizarre saying about being Clean and sober. I thought the book was just the right height to hold up a table in the dump I was living in. I was getting phone calls from people I had no clue who thjey were asking if I needed a ride to a meeting. My ribs hurt more from my friend poking me telling me to say yes. He tolds me I had to do this on my own and stopped going to the meetings with me. [Stopped dragging but continued to push and threaten me] He told me he didn't give a rats a__ about being booted out and would go back to those in administration and admit purgery and I would be court martialed.

I could not allow that to happen .. I had to avoid that at any costs...I could not allow my family to be convinced I was a hopeless screwup and would never amount to anything. So I kept up the farce and go to those D%$#%$ meetings but would sit in the back near the door and would scoot outside before the last prayer. Whoever would drive me would do a one sided dialog about whatever was talked about at the meeting. I thought they must have been vaccinated with a Victrola Needle or that their tongue was hinged in the middle and wagged at both ends with the non stop chatter.

I didn't ask questions...nor did I participate in any of the discussions...

Tho I didn't participate something finally broke through the fog... My first moment of clarity came when I reaqlized the bizarre phrase Clean and sober did not mean just to keep myself clean by showering every day...and to keep a clean dump to live in...It actually meant I had to get rid of and stop the drugs.... Many cuss words flew through my mind and escaped my lips when the light when on.

I did ask for a sponsor...5 times...and got 5 "NO's". It took me a year and a half of praying for the right person to help guide me through this strange, new and different way of life. I hit another bottom...this time an emotional one. no one wanted to sponsor me and I could not feel a part of this new way of life.. The bottom was a very very dark night of the soul...I had the means and was going to relieve everyone of my miserable existence. It was a thursday night I was going to put my plan in action. the phone rang and the voice at the other end said, "I will pick you up in ten minutes for the meeting." The call ended before I could say "NO". I knew they knew I was home so I could not ignore the knock on the door. I figured no problem...one more hour won't make that much of a difference...

The topic of the meeting was "CHANGE"...the chair person wore a tie and I can still recall the color... After the meeting I stood off by myself pretending to read the bulletin board while waiting for the driver to conclude some socialization when this beautioful woman walked up to me. She introduced herself and asked me my name and said she was "HAPPY" to meet me. I responded to her questions with very short and I admit...sarcastic answers. Whenever I spoke she maneuvered around to ensure she was looking in my eyes. My thoughts were racing...How...Why is she taking the time to talk to me? why does she want to know these things? Doesn't she know I am just a piece of sh__? She asked me "How are things going for you?" The rebel in me came out and in a tone I am not proud of said "Just f____ing ducky." She asked me if I had a sponsor. My response was "H_ ll No... and not for want of trying" "Explain" she said... I said, "I am such a f___k up no one wants to sponsor me. I asked and was declined 5 times." She then asked me if I would allow her to be my sponsor...I said I had to think about it....GAWD ...I was such a rebel and a sh_thead. She shared somethings with me about her and told me things she saw in me...Now I know I had a problem...She was seeing the black sickness and erroding fear inside of me... Bunch of sick mind readers!!! "What am I getting myself into?" became a recuring question that night---I thought I was getting into some soprt of a cult ----But I made a valiant attempt to keep up the facade that everything really was just f__ing ducky.

I did think about it and needless to say did not carry out my plan. What ketp running through my mind was the light in her eyes, the spark of life ...the joy I saw and felt--tho I didn't have a clue at that time to put the word joy in my thoughts, and yes, the true honest to goodness loving compassion. I was convinced however that when she really knew how deep and black the hole was inside of me she would indeed run far and fast away from me, that what I was seeing, and feeling was my imagaination and I just knew I could not have whatever it was she hade...even despite the fact that I was a great faker and wore many masks. "that's what it is" I thougth..."She too is a faker and wear masks..No one could be this happy to be labeld a drunk, a liar, a cheater, a theif, and a broken piece of humanity."
All through the night I thought about what was said in the meetings and I thought about this beautiful graceful woman and what she said about "never have to feel this way again" I also thought she must be one of the sicker ones to want to sponsor me...Didn't she know how black and hopeless I was? Didn't she know I tried everything? How would I know if she was really being sincere? I didn't trust the fact that she was so willing to work and trudge this journey with me. What did she want in return? She must have an angle...that was it...she had an angel and I was going to be used and then thrown out like trash...just like everyone else had done in my life.

"What if...just hypothetically...What if she could help me? What if there was another solution? What if she was in fact sincere? What would be the harm in at least trying. God knows I cannot continue the way I felt and the way I was going." And the questions continued to knaw at me through the night..over and over again....

The next morning something made me pick up the phone to call her...even tho the agreement was that she would call me..Something actually took me to the phone and made me lift the phone while at the same time made me dial her number.... This was really weird....Maybe it really is a cult and maybe someone had did something to my mind. When I heard myself say "Are you willing to be my sponnosr" I knew something was terribly off.. Somone had hypnotized me or did who knows what to my mind. That was me asking.. the independent B___h actually asked someone-- again-- to help me and the real shocker was she agreed... and gave me my first assignment and agreed to meet me later that day. You have knocked me over with a feather for that. after hanging up I was convinced she would not show up. That little itty bit spark of hope grew...ever so slightly...but it grew when she did show up.

WHAT IT IS LIKE NOW

That woman continued to show up and led me through the steps. ...and my hope continued to grow.

In December...the 13th , to be exact, is the day I choose to celebrate my anniversary.. The day after I was finally detoxed from both drugs and King alcohol.

In December (2007) I celebrated 22 years of being continuously Clean and Sober. In retrospect I can say with certainty those individuals that were so happy at my first barrage of meetings were not smoking any funny stuff. They were truly happy and grateful to be there...as I am today; each and every breath I take is indeed a gift. She allowed me in her home and trusted me...that was a real mindblower.

All my fears and questions of "What ifs" and the conviction that I was being roped into some sort of sick cult are no longer haunting me. I am grateful to say I was so very wrong. I have discovered a new freedom in being willing to admit I was wrong about many things...and I know there are still times when I will be wrong...When I am wrong I have tools and steps to correct those wrongs...today I have a loving God that guides me and continues to teach me how to act, behave, think and to be that those wrongs of my past are forgiven and are valuable lessons that teach me how to be a better person. I no longer beat myself up over those things... I do not regret my past ...nor do I wish to shut the door on it. I am grateful I am not the person I was....and I am grateful I am being led to be a better person for the tomarrows ahead. I am grateful my past is part of my ESH to share with others to hopefully spark that little ember of hope within themselves.

That beautiful woman that had origianlly asked me if I would ALLOW her to be my sponsor lovingly, gently, and yet firmly walked me through the steps and did not run away when I finally got to the 5th Step. She did not judge me...she did not criticize me. Instead the most amazing thing was she wrapped her arms around me and told me she loved me and that I was a gift to her.

It took a few years to understand how I could be a gift to her.

She helped me to see the flaws in my thinking and showed me how to look at things from a new pair of glasses. She helped me to see and comprehend and to accept the fact5 that I really am a child of God and have every right to be on this earth. She walked her talk and showed me that yea...life isn't always fair...but it is what it is, and how to trewat others with kindness, courtesy and the respect that I craved for myself all my life.

What it is like today is so far from the reality of my past existence that it truly does feel as if it was another lifetime. there is peace of mind today and love in my heart and those I work with [sponsor] are indeed gifts to me.
I continue on this journey today not becasue I have to...but because I want to.

Today I renew my commitment on a regular basis to be of service, to remain honest, openminded, and willing and to remain teachable.

Today it is a real freedom to be able to say "I don't know", and to apologize for my actions. Where I used to wake every morning feeling sorry for even breathing the air and living through the night...I now know that "SORRY" is a state of being...and to "apologize" means I will get intio action to make changes. It is freeing to surrender to a Power Far Greater than Myself and it is an incredible feeling to not be weighed down with guilt and remorse and to know that I am in the Light of The spirit and that light is within me.

There are still some valleys and a few potholes on this journey but they too teach me and give me additional tools to add to my kit of spiritual tools. There are times I feel as if for every step forward someone or something...or even myself ... trips me up that I fall back 3, 4, 5 steps. Gratefully tho, I do not have to do this perfectly...I just need to keep on progrwessing and accept the fact I am a flawed human being incapable of being perfect and that really is ok. I can laugh at myself today and I have discovered the world and everyting in it does not revolve around me and not everything is about me. Further discoveries have convinced me that I need to allow others to learn theri own lessons. It really is not my job to fix them. My only responsibility is to "trust God n clean house", to suit up, show up, to do the very best that I can, to be of service, and to share all that was so freely and unconditionally given to me.......oh.... and to enjoy the ride.

My trust in God has grown trmendously over the years. I know today without a doubt that nothing happens by coincidence and if he brings me to it he will bring me through it.

Fear still knocks at my door but as I face the fears and walk through whatever the fear is...my faith deepens and more hope grows within me that I am able to share with others...as so many shared with me so freely and unconditionally.


There have been so many tremendous people placed in my life many of whom are on this journey with me, others that have their own spiritual paths. I am eternally & profoundly grateful for all who have enhanced the beauty of this journey for me.

Thank You for allowing me to share what it was like...what happened and what it is like now with you all.