funkychicken

I had my first drink when i was 14. From that time on i would sneak drinks at parties (whether my parents were there or not). When i was 15 i got truely smashed for the first time ( passed out and threw up on myself).
I left home as soon as i turned 18 and started drinking more regularly, as well as smoking alot of pot.
By the time i was 23 i had 3 kids under the age of 3, drank almost every day and was 5 years into a relationship with an abusive drunk.
A couple of years later i was still in that relationship, and was drinking a bottle of bourbon a night. There were lots of arguements and physical abuse, but i felt that no one else would want me. Three years later i finally got the courage to end the relationship, with the help of a restraining order.
My next realtionship was not violent or abusive, but i still kept drinking too much. He was a heavy drinker too and by the time i was 31, i was drinking a bottle and a half of rum a night, still smoking alot of pot and my kids were living with their dad.
I had started to get violent towards my partner and felt that alcohol and pot would make my problems easier to cope with. I lived for lunch times, because then it was ok to start drinking (or so i thought). I kept telling myself that i didnt have a problem, it was only a problem if i drank before lunch.
In the early hours of August 31st 2004 (the night of a blue moon) i had just got home from a party. Id had an arguement with one of the kids uncles, then had an arguement with my partner. I remember thinking that id had enough of my life and grabbing a knife as i stormed out the back door, glass still in hand.
I realised a little while later that the knife had fallen out of my pocket during my drunken stumblings, sat down in the middle of the road and cried. I asked the moon what i was going to do, and decided that i had to get help. The town i was living in didnt have a hospital, so i decided to hitch to the town i grew up in, which was an hours drive away. The truckie who picked me up turned out to be an old family friend and he drove me all the way to the hospital, even offering to come in with me.
Detox was horrible, and experience i never want to go through again. Depression, nausea, shakes, sweats, cravings, self hatred, shame. I couldnt look in the mirror for 3 days, i just didnt want to see what would be looking back at me. I cried when i finally did look in the mirror. My fourth day in, all i wanted to do was go to the bottle shop and the doctor upped my anti-depressants. I spent 13 days in hospital detoxing, the doctor wouldnt let me leave until there was a bed available for me in a rehab centre. My parents visited me every day, my partner visited twice and my brother didnt visit or ring at all.
Going to rehab was scary, i was shaking i was so nervous. I soon discovered that i had made the right decision, the people were welcoming and understanding, and even though i cried a lot, i laughed a hell of a lot too. Not only was i able admit that i had a problem, i discovered that i had more strength than i had given myself credit for and i was able to start working through the reasons why i drank so much. About a week after i had arrived in rehab, i noticed how strong and clear the colours in the trees and sky were. I was blown away by it and wondered just how much i had been missing out on for all those years. For the first time in my life i felt like i actually belonged. Everyone around me was in a similar situation, going through similar emotions and thoughts. I still think about my fellow resi's today and wonder how their recovery is going.
The weekend i got out of rehab i discovered that my partner had found a new woman. Did i go out and get drunk? Hell no! I wasnt going to let him hamper my recovery in any way. If the bottle was more important to him than i was, then i didnt need him in my life. What i did do was to shake their hands the next time i saw them and wished them all the luck in the world.
Today, almost 3 years later, i am still single but i have all of my children living with me again and off the anti-depressants. I would like to say i have been sober all of that time, but unfortunately i havnt. Once or twice a month i go to the bottle shop and buy a six pack. I justify it by telling myself that at least im not drinking like i used to, but i still feel a bit guilty about it.
I am a much calmer person these days and regret the time i lost to alcohol and pot. I am so glad i found this site, hopefully it will give me the strength i need time i feel like having a drink.