Tough One

Old 03-03-2014, 03:14 PM
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Tough One

Letting my HP take first crack at leading me in life has been awkward. I took pride in dealing with all problems first and then taking it to my HP as a last resort. Totally backwards.

So once I finally settled on my HP I've been trying to start each day in my HP's pocket. Some days it is a relief and I see the workings of my daily life in much more of a spiritual way. Other days I want to just wrench on situations and people and I suppose just being aware of it, managing to shut myself up, or at least not always acting are all partial improvements.

The funny thing is I do not get parables because I am a codie. I totally feel so bad for the son who stayed home and am happy to let the partying son eat pig food right out of the trough. That popular reading is just a trigger for me. Martha and Mary arguing over getting the hosting chores done or listening to the word of God - oh yeah. I totally am with the hostess martyrdom complex and cannot hear God's message at all I am so wrapped up in having the perfect house and meal... The only one I do understand is the seed falling on fallow ground. That is me. Praying for vocations and baking in the silence from God - not sprouting at all. Just hot under the grow lamp. So it is a bit tough to grow in spirituality when you are raised in the wrong church perhaps. My spirituality is pretty fallow coming out of the faith I was raised in. Since I could not hear God in church, I can see where me taking the first move first started.

But I do see my HP outside in nature. And that is where I am going to keep going to keep builing this relationship.

Yesterday I started some paperwork on Step 4 and asked my DS what he felt my greatest failing was. Scary question, but I asked him to consider it and truthfully answer. Age 12 and he came back with, "Lack of religion." Wow. He was so right that I told my RAH and admitted what an intuitive answer. Grateful to know this one is a tough one for me - it might be a continual work in progress.

I then asked RAH what he thought my biggest fault/failing was and he refused to answer. Trick question I guess but really in the opening salvo of a Step 4 it was an honest question. I do care what my RAH thinks of me and hope he feels I am salvageable. I have a deep concern that dealing with alcoholism has made me into too strong of a person. I may have outgrown my marriage. That is a fearful thing for a codie who does not want to fail - especially at marriage and then be alone -and this big issue I will leave with my HP for now. RAH has not relapsed. His recovery is maybe not that great, but it is intact. Things are fairly quiet. I am worn out from last year's crisis. Nothing has to be done right now. I can just work on Step 4, and leave myself in my HPs pocket to heal. I would like to continue onwards bc if there is a relapse or my marriage fails, at least I will be at a different place and have new insights and abilities to cope. And maybe I will be able to leave it to my HP more and more each day.
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Old 11-18-2014, 07:48 AM
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Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Here is a link to my Step 2 comments here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-checking.html
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Old 09-04-2015, 01:55 AM
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Originally Posted by CodeJob View Post
Letting my HP take first crack at leading me in life has been awkward. I took pride in dealing with all problems first and then taking it to my HP as a last resort. Totally backwards.

So once I finally settled on my HP I've been trying to start each day in my HP's pocket. Some days it is a relief and I see the workings of my daily life in much more of a spiritual way. Other days I want to just wrench on situations and people and I suppose just being aware of it, managing to shut myself up, or at least not always acting are all partial improvements.

The funny thing is I do not get parables because I am a codie. I totally feel so bad for the son who stayed home and am happy to let the partying son eat pig food right out of the trough. That popular reading is just a trigger for me. Martha and Mary arguing over getting the hosting chores done or listening to the word of God - oh yeah. I totally am with the hostess martyrdom complex and cannot hear God's message at all I am so wrapped up in having the perfect house and meal... The only one I do understand is the seed falling on fallow ground. That is me. Praying for vocations and baking in the silence from God - not sprouting at all. Just hot under the grow lamp. So it is a bit tough to grow in spirituality when you are raised in the wrong church perhaps. My spirituality is pretty fallow coming out of the faith I was raised in. Since I could not hear God in church, I can see where me taking the first move first started.

But I do see my HP outside in nature. And that is where I am going to keep going to keep builing this relationship.

Yesterday I started some paperwork on Step 4 and asked my DS what he felt my greatest failing was. Scary question, but I asked him to consider it and truthfully answer. Age 12 and he came back with, "Lack of religion." Wow. He was so right that I told my RAH and admitted what an intuitive answer. Grateful to know this one is a tough one for me - it might be a continual work in progress.

I then asked RAH what he thought my biggest fault/failing was and he refused to answer. Trick question I guess but really in the opening salvo of a Step 4 it was an honest question. I do care what my RAH thinks of me and hope he feels I am salvageable. I have a deep concern that dealing with alcoholism has made me into too strong of a person. I may have outgrown my marriage. That is a fearful thing for a codie who does not want to fail - especially at marriage and then be alone -and this big issue I will leave with my HP for now. RAH has not relapsed. His recovery is maybe not that great, but it is intact. Things are fairly quiet. I am worn out from last year's crisis. Nothing has to be done right now. I can just work on Step 4, and leave myself in my HPs pocket to heal. I would like to continue onwards bc if there is a relapse or my marriage fails, at least I will be at a different place and have new insights and abilities to cope. And maybe I will be able to leave it to my HP more and more each day.
Hi CJ and thanks for sharing your journey and insights.

When you talk about seeing HP in nature, you remind me of Agnes
Sanford, author of The Healing Light, who also taught that God was Nature, and healing was asking more of this energy from "Life or Nature" to enter into our minds, bodies and relations more fully. Healing and recovery are the mind and body's natural process, so if we aren't healing then we look for what could be blocking that and cutting off the natural flow of life, forgive or resolve that issue, and make room for Nature's energy to flow through so the mind and body can heal themselves.

I look at life and the people/events in it like a script, that is written with a happy ending. But during the story, there are ups and downs, some unexpected twists, for the characters to develop BEFORE we can get to the happy ending. Not all the challenges and scenes in the story are convenient and fun. There is tragedy and comedy, and we take the good with the bad. So even when I don't like some of what the script calls for me to go through, I trust it is part of a bigger plan, where the conflicts will work out and the good will outweigh the bad. I find forgiveness is the key to letting go of fear or anything negative, so we can move forward and make the most of each step of the story.

What is interesting is that everyone in life serves a purpose, and the interactions are valuable for all people to share insights to help each other to grow along the way. That part is always fascinating to me, to discover what each person has to offer, so we all bring something to the table.

I hope you enjoy greater rewards as you proceed along your journey, and thanks for being here to share with others. May you receive even better things in life than what you expected, and may the blessings you bring to share with others multiply unto everyone around you. Take care!
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