My completed step 1. I was honest, but felt that I failed it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 13
My completed step 1. I was honest, but felt that I failed it.
I welcome any comments and suggestions!
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
In a way I do. I know I can’t because I never succeeded at it. With my father, for instance, I’d try to make him laugh, walk on eggshells etc., explain what he’s doing to us as a family, but nothing ever worked. I realized that he’d only stop when he wanted, and he did, when he was diagnosed with cancer.
Unfortunately, that controlling behavior that I acquired because I had no control whatsoever over my life as a child, crossed over into my adult life and its relationships as well. Here too, I know that I cannot control someone’s behavior. I’d try to control my boyfriends because I felt that if I don’t they would betray me, but now I am learning more and more that they will still do that if they want whether I try to stop it or not.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
This one’s hard because I never understood why the smalles things triggered it. I guess it’s because that’s how his character developed over the years. Happy moments were reasons to drink, sad moments even more so, boring moments, too. I guess his ‘character’ simply was such that alcohol was to be made part of any situation possible.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I have not read much about alcohol itself because quite frankly, no, I am still at a stage that I believe that it is a choice. A disease triggers a person wanting to seek a remedy/treatment, but my father never did. He’d abuse us so much let’s say for the entire day and night that I could not go to school the next day because I was hiding in the closet; when he’d sober up, I could tell that he felt sorry and I’d scream and yell at him for all he’s done, but he’s not once said “I need help”… the sober times were the time when he could’ve made a difference and the choice to change, but he never did. The disease wasn’t in him when he was sober, so again, it’s a choice.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
With my dad—obviously I could never speak with him calmly, thee was no room for that. Screaming is what I was used to in our household and that’s what I did. I’d yell at him, usually I’d do it when he was sober and I knew that it would “get to him”. But no matter what I said, how many times I cried, my mom cried, my brother cried, and how miserable we felt and it was obvious on all levels, he never changed….for us/me. He only said no to alcohol when he got sick, how selfish of him.
I have tried to change everyone else around me, but mostly I regret having tried to manipulate with people I cared about. I was, I guess, so insecure that I needed to be in complete control and have people be my way, so that I could feel comfortable. This never worked, you can’t make anyone change. I also had a bf who was an alcoholic, and here again, I was in my old setting, trying to save someone, thinking that he SHOULD and WOULD change for me, but no, that also did not happen.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Going back to my father, I really don’t remember. I never really got what I needed, otherwise I wouldn’t be such a mess now.
I did become a fairly good manipulator otherwise though. Through my life at home I learned that I needed to possess many personalities so to say, to fit what ever situation I was in. That’s why I was usually considered as mentally attractive to many, men especially, because I could be what they needed me to be. Other means to get what I want would be sex I’d say, as I figured that men tend to lower their thinking during that and soften up. Sad but true.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel madness inside me, like I’m not good enough, worth it. Depression takes over, at times my impulsive behavior kicks in and I make stupid mistakes. I feel like I made a mistake…
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
This is hard because I don’t know if I could ever stop. Stopping would mean that I can accept them for who they are and separate myself from what I don’t like for the sake of focusing on myself. I’m still struggling with focusing on myself and feel that giving up the desire to change would cause some sort of internal frustration.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Good question, I completely suck at it. Half the time I stay up wide awake at night thinking about other’s issues such as my brother’s illness. I think it has to do with me not being able to accept things as they are and making the best out of it, instead I feel that it’s my responsibility to do anything possible to fix it, make it better. So, yes, the answer is, I need to accept things as they are, live in the moment and realize that too much worrying is negatively affecting my overall mental and physical state of mind.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Always, even these 12 steps gave me the initial thought of “12 steps and I will be fixed” but deep inside of me, I know that years of what I have been through cannot disappear over night. I also don’t think that I will ever be completely fixed but I think that with time and the right amount of attention devoted to myself, I will learn how to use proper tools to minimize the negative outbursts.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
Mainly with my immediate family members. I feel that I am responsible for them, and if I do anything for myself that may take me away from them, that I’d be letting them down. I have guilt thoughts pretty much all the time and feel that I’ll be punished by ‘God’ if I do something for myself instead; i.e. their illness will deteriorate.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When my dad would drink for every single gathering, I would be completely embarrassed. I cannot think of one birthday of mine or my brother’s that was normal, it was always ruined because he decided to be in a bad mood, get [/B][/B]drunk and ruin it for all. I was also ashamed because my friend’s knew what he was like. He could make them laugh when he was drunk, but my behavior and facial expressions indicated that something was wrong. But, I was taught to keep it a secret and act normal. Now that my brother has a mental illness, I still am very good at keeping that a secret and keeping secrets in general.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I came looking for help because I don’t know where else to go. It’s normal, I guess, to look for help in places where others can relate to you, and this is it for me. So far, I don’t have set expectations, just want to try to read more, search for tips, complete the steps and go from there. All I know is that it won’t hurt to try.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My behavior was mainly a concern in my relationships. I think that the moment I enter a relationship I confuse my partner with my father and that’s the beginning of all problems. I pretty much show that I don’t trust the person from the very beginning, I pick fights just to create chaos that I am used to from my childhood, basically I sabotage my relationships and don’t let anyone really near.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When you’re an OK looking person, desirable, successful, yet you can’t sustain one healthy relationship, you quickly realize that your life is unmanageable. Also, after my father’s passing I was a psychotherapist and she realized that my issues that have such huge affect on how I go through life are connected to my childhood and that I need to fix it.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Always……I remember never being good enough, never getting a hug for getting a good grade in school, never feeling that anyone loved me because they never said it. I now am a very insecure person with a low self-esteem who feels that her main task in life is to make sure that she’s at a minimum liked by others. For instance, in my last relationship I have convinced myself that my bf’s family is against me, because they can see that I’m not ‘normal’ and that they are praying for us to be done once and for all. With that in mind, I try so hard to ‘please’ them but this usually results in my behaving in odd ways that really aren’t my character traits and can come across as negative.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
This not so much, except for times when I feel so lonely that I’d accept a person’s company that I’d normally not really want to be around with. But overall, if you look at how long I stayed with my dysfunctional family, it does seem that I have a problem with not saying no. I kept saying yes to misery, mistreatment, verbal abuse etc. I need to say no. Right now, although he’s passed away, I can see that the dysfunctional manner is still present in our household, and I am still here, I need to leave, say no.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
100% yes. Again, all I do is take care of others. My brother’s health insurance need was on top of my to do list, yet, I don’t have health insurance myself and god forbid something happens to me, what would I do. I try to, here and there, focus on myself but have a really hard time sustaining that behavior.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
All I want is a smooth life, but I don’t quite know how to handle one. Yes, I continually anticipate problems i.e. I am thinking about what if I leave my family behind and 20 years down the road my brother can’t take care of himself and I wasn’t there to help and maybe I was the reason it happened. So yes, I try to read into the future, and that’s about to give me ulcers…..While it’s hard to admit, I know that I feel more comfortable in a crisis than a smooth scenario, because a crisis is what I have been exposed to for 26 years. One day you come home, things seem ok, but the next 1hour things change, verbal arguments begin, then he reaches for his first beer and that’s it, the beginning of the crisis. I stay in my room, and know to hide in my closet if needed. Later on, usually the next day when he’s sober again, we may have 1-2 ‘normal’ days during which no one speaks with one another. So, how can I now handle things going smoothly when my brain and body are just waiting for things to explode, and I now know how to help it get there.
How well do I take care of myself?
Not to good. Pampering that I used to do in the form of manis and pedis means nothing for someone like me. I should’ve started to work on myself years ago by attending groups, therapy and completing self-help tools, but I didn’t. I continued to be the victim.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I hate being alone, and have a hard time with that. Too much thinking goes on in my head that 9 out 10 times is negative toward myself.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is what I think people have for me, they feel sorry for what I’ve been through, for how my family turned out. I hate pity but also don’t mind it in a strange way. Yet, I can’t differentiate if in romance, I usually feel that initially someone is with me because of love, but when they get to know me and realize that I have a lot of issues, they stay with me out of pity.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes I am. I have bee attracted to an alcoholic and a cheater. I felt that we could relate more to each other. I tried to fix them by thinking that I could open their eyes, be the reason they’d want to change etc. Never worked.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
No. my feelings change often because I have lost me, or it’s better to say that I have not yet found myself.
Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.
Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?
In a way I do. I know I can’t because I never succeeded at it. With my father, for instance, I’d try to make him laugh, walk on eggshells etc., explain what he’s doing to us as a family, but nothing ever worked. I realized that he’d only stop when he wanted, and he did, when he was diagnosed with cancer.
Unfortunately, that controlling behavior that I acquired because I had no control whatsoever over my life as a child, crossed over into my adult life and its relationships as well. Here too, I know that I cannot control someone’s behavior. I’d try to control my boyfriends because I felt that if I don’t they would betray me, but now I am learning more and more that they will still do that if they want whether I try to stop it or not.
How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?
This one’s hard because I never understood why the smalles things triggered it. I guess it’s because that’s how his character developed over the years. Happy moments were reasons to drink, sad moments even more so, boring moments, too. I guess his ‘character’ simply was such that alcohol was to be made part of any situation possible.
Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?
I have not read much about alcohol itself because quite frankly, no, I am still at a stage that I believe that it is a choice. A disease triggers a person wanting to seek a remedy/treatment, but my father never did. He’d abuse us so much let’s say for the entire day and night that I could not go to school the next day because I was hiding in the closet; when he’d sober up, I could tell that he felt sorry and I’d scream and yell at him for all he’s done, but he’s not once said “I need help”… the sober times were the time when he could’ve made a difference and the choice to change, but he never did. The disease wasn’t in him when he was sober, so again, it’s a choice.
How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?
With my dad—obviously I could never speak with him calmly, thee was no room for that. Screaming is what I was used to in our household and that’s what I did. I’d yell at him, usually I’d do it when he was sober and I knew that it would “get to him”. But no matter what I said, how many times I cried, my mom cried, my brother cried, and how miserable we felt and it was obvious on all levels, he never changed….for us/me. He only said no to alcohol when he got sick, how selfish of him.
I have tried to change everyone else around me, but mostly I regret having tried to manipulate with people I cared about. I was, I guess, so insecure that I needed to be in complete control and have people be my way, so that I could feel comfortable. This never worked, you can’t make anyone change. I also had a bf who was an alcoholic, and here again, I was in my old setting, trying to save someone, thinking that he SHOULD and WOULD change for me, but no, that also did not happen.
What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?
Going back to my father, I really don’t remember. I never really got what I needed, otherwise I wouldn’t be such a mess now.
I did become a fairly good manipulator otherwise though. Through my life at home I learned that I needed to possess many personalities so to say, to fit what ever situation I was in. That’s why I was usually considered as mentally attractive to many, men especially, because I could be what they needed me to be. Other means to get what I want would be sex I’d say, as I figured that men tend to lower their thinking during that and soften up. Sad but true.
How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?
I feel madness inside me, like I’m not good enough, worth it. Depression takes over, at times my impulsive behavior kicks in and I make stupid mistakes. I feel like I made a mistake…
What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?
This is hard because I don’t know if I could ever stop. Stopping would mean that I can accept them for who they are and separate myself from what I don’t like for the sake of focusing on myself. I’m still struggling with focusing on myself and feel that giving up the desire to change would cause some sort of internal frustration.
How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?
Good question, I completely suck at it. Half the time I stay up wide awake at night thinking about other’s issues such as my brother’s illness. I think it has to do with me not being able to accept things as they are and making the best out of it, instead I feel that it’s my responsibility to do anything possible to fix it, make it better. So, yes, the answer is, I need to accept things as they are, live in the moment and realize that too much worrying is negatively affecting my overall mental and physical state of mind.
Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?
Always, even these 12 steps gave me the initial thought of “12 steps and I will be fixed” but deep inside of me, I know that years of what I have been through cannot disappear over night. I also don’t think that I will ever be completely fixed but I think that with time and the right amount of attention devoted to myself, I will learn how to use proper tools to minimize the negative outbursts.
In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?
Mainly with my immediate family members. I feel that I am responsible for them, and if I do anything for myself that may take me away from them, that I’d be letting them down. I have guilt thoughts pretty much all the time and feel that I’ll be punished by ‘God’ if I do something for myself instead; i.e. their illness will deteriorate.
In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?
When my dad would drink for every single gathering, I would be completely embarrassed. I cannot think of one birthday of mine or my brother’s that was normal, it was always ruined because he decided to be in a bad mood, get [/B][/B]drunk and ruin it for all. I was also ashamed because my friend’s knew what he was like. He could make them laugh when he was drunk, but my behavior and facial expressions indicated that something was wrong. But, I was taught to keep it a secret and act normal. Now that my brother has a mental illness, I still am very good at keeping that a secret and keeping secrets in general.
What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?
I came looking for help because I don’t know where else to go. It’s normal, I guess, to look for help in places where others can relate to you, and this is it for me. So far, I don’t have set expectations, just want to try to read more, search for tips, complete the steps and go from there. All I know is that it won’t hurt to try.
Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.
My behavior was mainly a concern in my relationships. I think that the moment I enter a relationship I confuse my partner with my father and that’s the beginning of all problems. I pretty much show that I don’t trust the person from the very beginning, I pick fights just to create chaos that I am used to from my childhood, basically I sabotage my relationships and don’t let anyone really near.
How do I know when my life is unmanageable?
When you’re an OK looking person, desirable, successful, yet you can’t sustain one healthy relationship, you quickly realize that your life is unmanageable. Also, after my father’s passing I was a psychotherapist and she realized that my issues that have such huge affect on how I go through life are connected to my childhood and that I need to fix it.
How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?
Always……I remember never being good enough, never getting a hug for getting a good grade in school, never feeling that anyone loved me because they never said it. I now am a very insecure person with a low self-esteem who feels that her main task in life is to make sure that she’s at a minimum liked by others. For instance, in my last relationship I have convinced myself that my bf’s family is against me, because they can see that I’m not ‘normal’ and that they are praying for us to be done once and for all. With that in mind, I try so hard to ‘please’ them but this usually results in my behaving in odd ways that really aren’t my character traits and can come across as negative.
Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?
This not so much, except for times when I feel so lonely that I’d accept a person’s company that I’d normally not really want to be around with. But overall, if you look at how long I stayed with my dysfunctional family, it does seem that I have a problem with not saying no. I kept saying yes to misery, mistreatment, verbal abuse etc. I need to say no. Right now, although he’s passed away, I can see that the dysfunctional manner is still present in our household, and I am still here, I need to leave, say no.
Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
100% yes. Again, all I do is take care of others. My brother’s health insurance need was on top of my to do list, yet, I don’t have health insurance myself and god forbid something happens to me, what would I do. I try to, here and there, focus on myself but have a really hard time sustaining that behavior.
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
All I want is a smooth life, but I don’t quite know how to handle one. Yes, I continually anticipate problems i.e. I am thinking about what if I leave my family behind and 20 years down the road my brother can’t take care of himself and I wasn’t there to help and maybe I was the reason it happened. So yes, I try to read into the future, and that’s about to give me ulcers…..While it’s hard to admit, I know that I feel more comfortable in a crisis than a smooth scenario, because a crisis is what I have been exposed to for 26 years. One day you come home, things seem ok, but the next 1hour things change, verbal arguments begin, then he reaches for his first beer and that’s it, the beginning of the crisis. I stay in my room, and know to hide in my closet if needed. Later on, usually the next day when he’s sober again, we may have 1-2 ‘normal’ days during which no one speaks with one another. So, how can I now handle things going smoothly when my brain and body are just waiting for things to explode, and I now know how to help it get there.
How well do I take care of myself?
Not to good. Pampering that I used to do in the form of manis and pedis means nothing for someone like me. I should’ve started to work on myself years ago by attending groups, therapy and completing self-help tools, but I didn’t. I continued to be the victim.
How do I feel when I am alone?
I hate being alone, and have a hard time with that. Too much thinking goes on in my head that 9 out 10 times is negative toward myself.
What is the difference between pity and love?
Pity is what I think people have for me, they feel sorry for what I’ve been through, for how my family turned out. I hate pity but also don’t mind it in a strange way. Yet, I can’t differentiate if in romance, I usually feel that initially someone is with me because of love, but when they get to know me and realize that I have a lot of issues, they stay with me out of pity.
Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?
Yes I am. I have bee attracted to an alcoholic and a cheater. I felt that we could relate more to each other. I tried to fix them by thinking that I could open their eyes, be the reason they’d want to change etc. Never worked.
Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?
No. my feelings change often because I have lost me, or it’s better to say that I have not yet found myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
Beautiful work.
No need to worry about missing something... the steps have built-in checks and balances. If something doesn't quite come out in one set of questions, I will catch it on down the road when my recovery is stronger and I can see more clearly.
"I was honest, but felt that I failed it."
Now I know for sure you are one of us, that you feel this way.
No need to worry about missing something... the steps have built-in checks and balances. If something doesn't quite come out in one set of questions, I will catch it on down the road when my recovery is stronger and I can see more clearly.
"I was honest, but felt that I failed it."
Now I know for sure you are one of us, that you feel this way.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
It's so good you are hanging out in step one. I have been working on it and hanging out in this realization o powerlessness for a couple of weeks now.
It's helping.
Do you have a sponsor? I got one last week in al anon and she is helping me stay with this step.
Also -- in terms of reading about alcohol and seeing it as a disease -- I am also reading the big book that they use in AA.
It's wonderful.
And I go to open AA meetings to hear from those on the program. It helps me understand the nature of addiction.
If you are able to go, you might get a lot out of those meetings too.
Stay with it. Keep coming back.
I am also working thru step one here in this section of the forum. I was glad to read your honest responses to the questions. xo
It's helping.
Do you have a sponsor? I got one last week in al anon and she is helping me stay with this step.
Also -- in terms of reading about alcohol and seeing it as a disease -- I am also reading the big book that they use in AA.
It's wonderful.
And I go to open AA meetings to hear from those on the program. It helps me understand the nature of addiction.
If you are able to go, you might get a lot out of those meetings too.
Stay with it. Keep coming back.
I am also working thru step one here in this section of the forum. I was glad to read your honest responses to the questions. xo
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