gotahavfaith

I really love this thread.

I have been in and out of Al-Anon for a few years now. For the last 5 months I go faithfully once a week. I need more than that, but it is the only time I can get there.

When I truly admitted I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable was when I was mentally, spiritually, financially and totally a broken person. I knew I was sicker than my addict. I had given EVERYTHING I had, and I hadn't fixed or controlled a dam* thing. And I admitted it, over, and over again. I still have to remind myself of this every single day. My family and friends really had a hard time believing that I was sicker than my daughter. They said, she has made you this way. No...I made me this way. And it wasn't about my daughter. It was about me, everything about me, my whole way of life, the way I looked at absolutely everything.

I really like the hula-hoop thing. It keeps me looking at myself. If it isn't in my hulahoop then it is NOT my business. It is not mine to figure out. My co-workers laugh (teasingly) when we talk. They say, don't tell her, it is not in her hula-hoop. Step One for me is about me and nobody else. Took me a LONG time to figure out I am not God.

I think this is gonna be a great place for me. I have to keep figuring myself out and I have to do it every single day.

Thanks for listening

Gotahavfaith

newnormal4me

"I had to return to Step 1 often, and repeat the exercise, otherwise I could feel it slipping away on me and my efforts to control or obsess would begin creeping back"

Thanks for saying this. Since I've just recently been focusing on the steps, I have been doing this on my own and really just thinking it's some kind of easy thing. Okay, (today) I admit I'm powerless, then I move on to step 2, check, that's been done a long time ago, lol, then 3...etc., etc. But I keep doing stupid things that clearly show I have not fully made it past step 1!!! Glad to know I'm not alone in needing to constantly repeat this.

I do know I'm powerless, I've been behaving that way a lot, moving forward, etc. But dang those darn behaviors keep cropping up again and again, and then I find myself digging my pit out again. Ah well...I really need to get this to stick.

newnormal4me

By the way Cat, I try to read Courage to Change every night! I have had that book for several years now and only got it out a few months ago and started REALLY reading it. It's amazing how you really have to be ready for the change for anything to stick. I have had some really good aha moments lately with that book! Then I can't believe it's been sitting on my shelf for so long collecting dust...all the while I have suffered. It's a process...

chicory

I am right there with you, N&D, fighting my constant urge to control .
I try to control everything except myself. It is like I don't trust anyone or anything.
maybe there is a connection here, with no trust and control.
i could not trust my parents, and i was powerless as a child. it is not a feeling i like to feel again.

funny how i try to fix everyone else, and think i know what they need. funny, i don't know what the heck it is that I need- and I am in my own head.
Just goes to show how little I should be trying to do anyone else's' thinking.

lulu1974

This is still one of my biggest battles. I think I put a new twist in how I try to control others. When I am scared about my life, then I try to think about how I can control someone else into giving me what I think I need. It is an endless cycle for me.

I keep saying I need to go back to my F2F mtg but I always over sleep. I need to focus on the point that I DO have power to control MY OWN life instead of waiting for things to magically make everything ok.

Hugs
Lulu

chicory

I am coming to realize that my worst days seem to be the direct result of me trying to control my son's life. Today was a perfect example.

my day off. i offered to take son to some businesses to put in apps. He began his argument, that it is a waste of time, that calling is much more sensible. I do not agree, but inside, i feel he is depressed, and reluctant to go face to face .
after fussing, he got ready (if you call it that), and i drove him to a few place, all the while, he was arguing, being negative, and childish. he went in two places, and on place they took his number, and he got the mgrs. number, and his response was " I am shocked!" , usually that does not work".
I reminded him that every time he has gotten a job, it is when we drove around and he went in person. He argued crazily about that .
I was SO angry, at how hard of a time he was giving me, that I would have driven us both off a cliff if there had been one near!! I was furious at him, and would not speak as I drove home without doing any more. I realized that it was stupid of me, to try to make him think in a normal responsible fashion. He tried to thank me as we got home and I still could not speak.
I went in my room to cry. and wonder why i feel so forgotten by God. Why, when I want to help , does my son make it soooooooo f'ing hard for me?
Why?
Why?
Why?
I feel like it is killing me- this frustration.

I realize too, that I was trying to have control over a hopeless situation. I should just not suggest anything anymore.he has heard it all, so many times from me, so why bother?
I have to face it- I am powerless!
Powerless to make him think in a way that could help him find a job.
he resents me, so much, while i am trying only to help.

i have to give up. this is depressing me , and making me feel joyless.

I discovered a ssecret, tho. When I decided to focus only on ME, I immediately felt better. i started thinking , what can i do for me? what can i do that will help me to have a better life? i felt the pressure let up. and the oppression was gone.

now, to get him out on his own. it is hurting me, to worry about his life, with no one to help. he is not drinking, and I would not mind if he was here, if he was trying hard to find work, but he says he calls places, and looks online. not the way, in my mind. if i have to let go, and let him live a life of depression, he will have to do it somewhere else.

why should i let it kill me inside?

I have to let go. I am powerless. it is very obvious.
I pictured it like this.

it is like I am trying to move a solid , concrete building, telling myself that I can do this, cause it will be a good thing if I can make it move. but when it is obvious that i cant , i cry, want to scream, want to pull my hair out. etc, etc, etc. The only sane thing is for me to stop it! I cant do it! I have to let go. I do not have the power to do it. Nor is it my job.

Thank you , for this step study. it will save my life.

I feel like a dish rag today - wrung out and limp.

CatsPajamas

((( chicory))

It's difficult to let go. For me it was scary ... what if ? what if ?? nearly made me crazy with worry. I had to get to a place where it was all about me, I had to be ok, and no one was in charge of me but me. I had to be ok whether or not he was going to be ok.

And then, as I've said many times before, I started telling myself that my son had some really important life lessons to learn and they weren't from me... and that I needed to get out of the way so that his HP had a direct line.

I had to work on my self-talk a LOT before I totally let go. I learned that even though HE didn't think so, my detachment from him was the thing that was helping him the most.

It's tough, this tough love.

justjo

Hi Chicky, Yep, been there, did that with my son too.

I like these posts too and Im getting better at controlling my own life and not my childrens lives. I use to think I was only helping too, you know, encouragement and all that. I think encouragement is ok, but there is a fine line. When my eldest son left home, that is when things started to change for me and him (I still have 2 sons at home) anyone want them???
JJ

Still Waters

Part of realizing that we're powerless, is the realization that we can't awfulize the future either. We don't KNOW what the future will bring, so it's wasted energy on our part fretting and fuming about it.

Chicory - you don't know what will happen when your son is forced to stand on his own two feet. It might be a wonderful awakening for him. It might not be.

My fearing the awfulness of the unknown future kept me locked in a nightmare far far too long. Like I could control the present! Ha!

chicory

(((catspjs& jo)))

yes, it is scary. It scares my son too. When i tell him that i need to let go, he says how can i do that, in this economy?!

the comment that i just read , on boundaries, said that a healthy relationship is where both share responsibilities. so, if he was doing everything in his power to find work, and was helping here, as he should, it would not be unhealthy for me to help him. It is one sided here- and he has to be pushed to help. That is really not acceptable, from a 38 year old. I wonder if he knows how old he really is? perhaps he does not feel grown up yet, as he is still dependent, and has never experienced independence. he stayed with every friend he had, and most of the immediate family- dad, sister, and an aunt. always says that he is unlucky- right- As unlucky as the lottery player who wont buy a ticket!!

I had a few lightbulb moments today.
One was when i thought how when I feel God has abandoned me, it is when I am heading into dangerous territory. When I am not doing what I need to do for me.

I just hate how it sounds- doing it for me. sounds so selfish. but i guess we all need to be cared for, and if I dont do it, i wont be worth much to anyone else. I really need to do more self talk. I am not doing that lately. I feel frozen. sometimes i dont know what i feel. how can i not know what i feel?

jo, if i had one more son to worry about, i might go up in spontaneous combustion flames.

hugs

chicory

(((Still)))
You are right. I am going to watch out for my awfulizing- I do that a whole bunch.
So powerlessness is about more than just that we cant control anyone else- its letting go of unhealthy thought patterns too? I guess so, when most of my thoughts are about how to "fix" someone's problems.
gonna have to learn how to think- all over again. how do i do that?
serenity prayer?

justjo

[QUOTE=chicory;2716523


jo, if i had one more son to worry about, i might go up in spontaneous combustion flames.

hugs[/QUOTE]

:rotfxko

Still Waters

I think that "Let go and let God" means more than just letting go of others problems, it's letting go of trying to control the future too. Sure we plan for the future, have retirement plans (hahaha) and savings accounts etc. but to think we're powerful enough to see into the future and see what it holds for ourselves (much less others) is pretty silly.

Heck, yesterday didn't turn out the way I thought it would!