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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by Puddy 
I have a question - my last resentment inventory from earlier this year contains a lot of people I never said a word to - I just sat and stewed on them. A lot of people in AA who "weren't acting according to my standards". But me being the person full of fear, I never said a word to them (thank God), and a lot of them don't even know who I am.
Is there an amend to be made? "Excuse me sir/ma'am, you don't know me, you've probably just seen me at meetings, but for the longest time I couldn't stand you, in fact I hated you - can I set right this wrong?"
Seems like injury to others to me.
I've been making amends like the hounds of hell are on me for months now - and they keep coming up in my meditations, adding to the list. It is daunting, but I have no choice, I asked for God to put me on this path to save my life.
Anyway just wondering about the "silent scorn" amends or not.
Is there an amend to be made? "Excuse me sir/ma'am, you don't know me, you've probably just seen me at meetings, but for the longest time I couldn't stand you, in fact I hated you - can I set right this wrong?"
Seems like injury to others to me.
I've been making amends like the hounds of hell are on me for months now - and they keep coming up in my meditations, adding to the list. It is daunting, but I have no choice, I asked for God to put me on this path to save my life.
Anyway just wondering about the "silent scorn" amends or not.
I sense that approaching people, telling them that you hated them even though they didn't know it, and then trying to ammend a harm they were not aware of in the first place is not what god would have you do.
How about: Listening to them. Getting to know them. Talk to them.
It's like people who you used to talk poorly about behind their back (and they were not aware of it). The ammend there is to start saying nice things about them...
The silent scorn was all about you. Not them.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Originally Posted by sugErspun
Ammends is much more than apologizing.
The book says something along the lines of "We are neither scraping nor servile."
www.aabigbookonline.com
Ammends is repairing the harm, or at least making it clear that we are willing to do what it takes to repair. Most of the time I had to ask these people face to face what it would take to do so.
It was much more than asking for forgiveness...I had been asking for things my whole life. It was about doing.
The book says something along the lines of "We are neither scraping nor servile."
www.aabigbookonline.com
Ammends is repairing the harm, or at least making it clear that we are willing to do what it takes to repair. Most of the time I had to ask these people face to face what it would take to do so.
It was much more than asking for forgiveness...I had been asking for things my whole life. It was about doing.
so are you saying I'm "doing it wrong"? Most of the people on my list of amends are too far away to see them face to face, and what more can I do to repair the 'damage' other than apologize and promise not to treat them that way/do 'it' again. I am neither scraping nor servile, only expressing remorse for my behavior and how I have grown beyond such behaviors.
The asking for forgiveness, I was told, was more for me and my Higher Power than for the person being asked for forgiveness. To forgive others is to be forgiven by God for my own wrongs. I was also told that by making amends to others, I am also making amends to myself for the harm I did to myself.
I will bring up this point with my sponsor. So far she hasn't suggested I do any differently than I have been.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I have been taught that sometimes the only amends is to be a living amends. For me that means that an apology is not necessarily the best thing. Many times an apology can be too easy which leaves the behavior still there. Changing the behavior is what counts. With my children I have to do a living amends as I spent too many years while drinking apologizing to them....today the only way I can make sure they see I am truly sorry is by changing my behaviors. It is through this that I have been able to rebuild a solid relationship with my two oldest children after drinking my way through most of their lives.
I do however believe that if one can both apologize and change the behavior that is the best thing to do.
I do however believe that if one can both apologize and change the behavior that is the best thing to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
I am not suggesting that anything is being done incorrectly, but I do go by the book.
I have travelled to make ammends, I have had to write letters, I have had to make phone calls..each one is special and needs to be treated as such. I do not have a blanket policy (if it was up to me, I would just create a generic email and blast it out to everyone on the list).
I need to know: What I am making ammends for - specifically.
Is there anything I am missing? (This is something I ask the person)
What can I do to set it right? (Also, something that I ask the person)
What I was trying to express, rather emphasize, was the "What can I do to make things right?" is much different than "I am sorry, I am commited to not doing that again". Also, what does "direct" ammends mean?
If someone hurt me, lets say "harmed me"..and wanted to fix what they had done. Would a letter stating they were sorry and wouldn't do it again repair what had been done? What if this person had repeatedly done some thing over and again, always apologizing but doing it again later (This was me btw - I was an "Im Sorry" machine)? Ammends is about correcting what was done wrong.
This is an experience you do not want to miss.
If what I am doing lines up with the instructions in the book, I have faith that I am "doing it right". Though that is more of a feeling than anything else.
I have travelled to make ammends, I have had to write letters, I have had to make phone calls..each one is special and needs to be treated as such. I do not have a blanket policy (if it was up to me, I would just create a generic email and blast it out to everyone on the list).
I need to know: What I am making ammends for - specifically.
Is there anything I am missing? (This is something I ask the person)
What can I do to set it right? (Also, something that I ask the person)
What I was trying to express, rather emphasize, was the "What can I do to make things right?" is much different than "I am sorry, I am commited to not doing that again". Also, what does "direct" ammends mean?
If someone hurt me, lets say "harmed me"..and wanted to fix what they had done. Would a letter stating they were sorry and wouldn't do it again repair what had been done? What if this person had repeatedly done some thing over and again, always apologizing but doing it again later (This was me btw - I was an "Im Sorry" machine)? Ammends is about correcting what was done wrong.
This is an experience you do not want to miss.
If what I am doing lines up with the instructions in the book, I have faith that I am "doing it right". Though that is more of a feeling than anything else.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
I see nothing wrong with bringing the state of sorrow and contrition to the amend.
I basically go to them (after I've gotten clear on the harm I've done them and what I'm making an amend for) and say, "This is what I've done to harm you. What can I do to set it right?"
No need to say "sorry" or "will you forgive me?" From my experience, forgiveness is icing on the cake. If they forgive me, then that's good for "them", not me. They are the one who just got free when they forgive me.
Sometimes, they didn't even need to forgive me. They're not spiritually sick like me and I was not living their head rent free all these years. I merely thought I was.
I basically go to them (after I've gotten clear on the harm I've done them and what I'm making an amend for) and say, "This is what I've done to harm you. What can I do to set it right?"
No need to say "sorry" or "will you forgive me?" From my experience, forgiveness is icing on the cake. If they forgive me, then that's good for "them", not me. They are the one who just got free when they forgive me.
Sometimes, they didn't even need to forgive me. They're not spiritually sick like me and I was not living their head rent free all these years. I merely thought I was.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I've got one more to do, it's a biggie and it's coming...i know what i want to say and what my part was...i am willing to do it but am a little scared if i am honest:-)
I have talked to my sponsor read the BB, and 12 and 12 about this one and know that i need to do it...it's one of those ones where you would be talking to your family first but i have no wife or kids so no-one to worry about in that respect.
Whatever happens, happens...i am planning to do it tomorrow morning...will let you know how i get on:-)
I have talked to my sponsor read the BB, and 12 and 12 about this one and know that i need to do it...it's one of those ones where you would be talking to your family first but i have no wife or kids so no-one to worry about in that respect.
Whatever happens, happens...i am planning to do it tomorrow morning...will let you know how i get on:-)
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