sdp

I had posted before about issues I had involving my husband's sisters- specifically, not including my kids in things... After all that I decided I was just going to distanc emyself from them.. Be polite when we run into them, but that's about it. His one sister, I feel, takes advantage of me. Not as much as she used to, but still... Her daughter is 10 months older than my twins. A few years ago, when she was going through her divorce, W would stay over here a lot. Things calm down, sorta.. However, she would sometimes call and say W wanted to play with the twins, etc and it would turn into a sleepover. Mind you, she has had a sleepover ONCE.

Her X has visitation every other weekend, Tues nites until 8 and overnight Weds. nites. She has her kids less than anyone else I know ( and gets child support, to boot)

When I had my feelings hurt recently, I told myself that W was not coming over anymore. I mean, she thinks of me when she needs a babysitter or W wants to come over, but when it comes to something cool, like practically free White Sox tickets through her work, we are not important... W did call recently and wanted to come over(I would have to pick her up) I said no. I was tired, I have a new job that exhausts me..

Today was my fist day off since last Friday. It was a hellish week. What I wanted to do was kick back with the kiddies and watch tv. Well, SIL calls. "W is home by herself, brother going out, can I babysit".. SIL has to work until 10.. I did say I was tired and wanted to go to bed early. "So?? The kids will be ok".. , but then I get sucked into feeling sorry for the poor 11 yr old home alone. So, I agreed, but SIL will have to pick her up when she gets off at 10. If not, she'll probably just go to the bar, get drunk stay up all night and not pick her daughter up until tomorrow afternoon...

I mean, I feel badly, as I feel I am stigmatizing the poor kid for her mother's poor behaviour.. However, do I allow her to take advantage of me when it is convenient for her?? GGRRR.... I do think she will try to turn this into a sleepover, tho.

Anyway, I pick her up at about 6, after my kids' dance class. I took them out to lunch, so dinner was going to be whatever we could scrounge out of the cabinets. Of course, W has not eaten, so I have to feed her too!!! God bless mac and cheese and hot dogs.

Gabe

Hey, we all get sucked in from time to time, even when our intentions are better than that.
The important thing is that we learn from it and go onto the next best thing.

gelfling

Dear sdp,

You're a kind and generous person. However, it's not your daughter and you're not responsible for her. Let mom take care of her since she's getting the child support.

I know this is hard to do because we all melt when it comes to kids, but your sil is really taking advantage and she knows her silly sil will watch W when she wants to have her good time.

If she's not a fit mother and she's shoving the girl off on everyone else, maybe it's time for someone to report her. She's getting support and she's got to justify every cent and prove how it's being used for the girls benefit. Also, if sil is leaving the girl home by herself, social services would be very interested in learning about that.

Like you said, kick back and spend that time with your own family. Your plate is full enough. You don't need to take on anymore.

Blessings, Kathy

sdp

Thanks Gabe and Kathy..

What she does is kinda skirt the fringes of neglect. Usually, she is left home with her 15 yr old brother. He is old enough to be in charge for a bit. Tonight he was doing something. I was used much more when they were both younger.

My husband and I recently had a talk about her, and he said he thinks of her as he does his mother- don't expect anything from them (kind of sad, eh?)

Funnily, one of the fisrt posts I made here when I joined here was about her asking me to watch W,at night, for a couple of hours. then she ended up going out .. i woke up in the am, no idea where she was , and we had plans... SIL ended up coming to get her daughter while I was in the shower..

She does a lot of things I don't agree with. However, a lot of what I hear is rumor. I feel bad for her kids, with a mother with a penchant for sleeping around, and she does not discriminate between married and single men.. .. However, it;s her world, we just live in it..

Thankfully, it was established that she WILL pick her up after work ....

Side note-- last year she was going to take my 1 daughter for a sleepover (the other was at a friend's sleepover).. She came over to get them. I was at the neighbor's, while she went to my house to get a Pepsi... Call comes in to neighbor's-- her and my hub's brother had just died of a heart attack, call was from the new widow... That was a bad night. Anyway, sleepover never happened- everyone just stayed at my house..As did pretty much everyone we knew... My hub and his other bro were partying from the night before just down the street(from the night before) Me, SIL and neighbor had to walk down there to tell them... He was only 48, left a wife and 2 daughters..

JT

Ya know what we did last year at Thanksgiving? The festivities were at the BIL's house and I personally would like to drop an anvil on his head. No more needs to be said. I cannot stand the guy and with good reason. So we lied! What a concept! We said we were going somewhere else (my family) and then we went to a restaurant. I mean, this was a big lie...holidays with Ward's family are not negotiable. But then neither is my sanity! And if I am not happy.....

Hugs,
JT

jessieandme2003

You know what I was thinking? Maybe if someone isn't treating you with respect or consideration, maybe you don't have to be so polite as not to call them on it. I have been trying hard to learn this.

I use my phrase "It's All About Me now" all the time. It helps me to make light of what I am doing, and people don't quite know what to say but laugh.

Maybe you say "I love W, and so do the twins, but I am no longer interested in watching her when you go out. I will be happy to have W play with my two when she tells you she misses them, just plan with me for you both to come over and spend some time with us."

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying my life is full enough, and I make making some changes FOR ME. One of them is I have decided not to babysit anymore. If SIL starts quacking about it not being a big deal because you already have two just say you don't feel that way.

I just think stuff like this because I find that people know we avoid confrontation and count on it. I just hate that!

Just know what we've all learned here, nothing you say is going to suddenly make her change. You can't make her care about how she is making you feel, or how she is making her child feel, so don't try actions to change HER. To 'make her see' how she is wrong. Gosh, we've all wasted so much time trying to do that, haven't we? Just go ahead and take actions to change YOU and what you do.

sdp

Oh, I cerainly beleive that a good white lie has it's place... However, I am a bad liar. I sound insincere even to myself.

The thing is, tho, my kids love when she comes over. Plus I did feel bad for her.. I usually do-- she has such a shell around her. She's not very attractive- overweight, glasses, frizzy hair. Her mom is skinny and pretty. I'm sure she hears about it at home!!! When she's here , she acts like a little kid, loves animals and loves to play catz3(or dogz3)acts a little silly and does not have the guarded look on her face- but an actual smile!!! She was really ushing to stay over last nite when her mom came, but I stood firm. Mean me

Her mom really needs to get her involved in things. The brother was getting to be a handful, but the dad made a deal with him- play 2 sports and I will pay your car insurance. He played football and wrestled, and I think it helped him a lot. Last year, dad got W into cheerleading with my kids. She couldn't be bothered.

sdp

Hey Jess.. we were writing at the same time!!!
I am working on calling people on things, but my usual MO is to just stop talking to them. When I get upset enough to confront, I usually end up crying...

And I don;t want SIL to come over and hang out!! She ends up giving me WWAAYYY too much info about her social/sex life when she does...Plus, she is an odd, prickly person. I do know if someone treated her the way she treated me, she'd beat them up.. (she has been known to get into bar fights!!) However, now the babysitting is occasional, not nearly as much as it was before. It's not frequent enough to be a real issue,anymore. I think she knows when I am at my limit and backs off.