Am I wrong to be so upset?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Am I wrong to be so upset?
Let me preface this by saying that I know I am not wrong to be upset,but maybe I am blowing it a wee bit out of proportion??
However, this involves my kids, so maybe not ...
I live near my husband's family. My own family is about 800 miles away. His family are pretty much alcoholics or at least abusers. This story involves 2 of his sisters, Lorie and Lynn.
Lorie is the oldest girl, and kind of the head of the family. Lynn in younger, but has lately been partying hard (see my prior post about her daughter in May "the poor kid"). Lynn;s prioriy is her social life. Her ex has the kids every other weekend, and 2 nights during the week , 1 over night. Her job involves working nights fri sat and sun, at least,and on call the other 4 days, so her kids stay at lorie's a lot on the weekends she has them.Also, Lynn and Lorie work for the same company. Lorie has a son 15 and a daughter, almost 8. Lynn;s kids are a boy, also 15, and a daughter 11. The boys are good friends, and the oder girl pts up with the little one, as lorie is the Queen of all creation and must be kow towed to. Also note the Lynn used to take advantage of me as a babysitter a while ago, and still does not have a problem calling me if her daughter wants to come over, or sleep over. She of course can't have them over as she may have to work..
Background to this story-- New years day 2003. I was home with the kids. Hub is partying over Lynn's. Lorie calls and says that her family and the other sisters are going to this cool place downtown. Lynn says her kids will not go. Sister drive over there and pick her kids up. Does anyone think to call me and see if me and my kids would want to go?? No. I found out about it later, and called Lorie.. I was very upset about how my kids are always forgotten, but eveyone always remembers Lynns kids. Do I have to be a sister, and not just a sister in law to rate?? I did call Lorie and tell her how I felt. I mean, I was practically crying on the phone...(note that there are other things my kids are not included in-this is not the only incident, but it's the worst)
Fast forward... Lorie calls the other day. She has tickets to a baseball game for tomorrow. 1 ticket left. Does my hub want to go?? I tell him, and of course the answer is yes. He tells me that it's through her work ,and a good deal, He mentions that Lorie feels bad that she didn;t get enough tickets.. Why?? I certainly did not want to go.
I see lorie today. She mentions something about the 2 boys being over.. HHmm.. later, a brainstorm hits me-- Lynn's kids are spending the night, and of course there is no way they will NOT be going to the game.. I get home, and found out from hub that Lorie got 10 tickets(tomorrow is her daughter's birthday) and Lynn got tickets for herself and her 2 kids only..
So, here we have another time when my kids are ignored. I vented my frustration out and my hub, and he says that 1 of our daughters can take his ticket and go with them. He calls Lorie. Well, Lorie doesn't want to watch our kid. She is supposed to call Lynn to see if my kid can go with her. Lorie calls back and she and my husband have heated words( I think she does feel guilty and the best defense is a good offence) She doesn't want to call Lynn to see if my kid can go with her.He wanted to talk to their mother, who is staying with Lorie to see if she will watch her(she's 10 and well behaved) but mom is sleeping. The ticket is my husband's only, and if she sees him, she sees him. If not, oh well. She also said she never should have asked him.
As of now my hub is not going. I told him this was a slap in the face to our kids. After he told me what she said, I almost started crying.
Am I over reacting to be so upset about this?Honestly, I am ready to cut all ties to his family. However, downside to that is theat we would have no one to spend holidays with.
However, this involves my kids, so maybe not ...
I live near my husband's family. My own family is about 800 miles away. His family are pretty much alcoholics or at least abusers. This story involves 2 of his sisters, Lorie and Lynn.
Lorie is the oldest girl, and kind of the head of the family. Lynn in younger, but has lately been partying hard (see my prior post about her daughter in May "the poor kid"). Lynn;s prioriy is her social life. Her ex has the kids every other weekend, and 2 nights during the week , 1 over night. Her job involves working nights fri sat and sun, at least,and on call the other 4 days, so her kids stay at lorie's a lot on the weekends she has them.Also, Lynn and Lorie work for the same company. Lorie has a son 15 and a daughter, almost 8. Lynn;s kids are a boy, also 15, and a daughter 11. The boys are good friends, and the oder girl pts up with the little one, as lorie is the Queen of all creation and must be kow towed to. Also note the Lynn used to take advantage of me as a babysitter a while ago, and still does not have a problem calling me if her daughter wants to come over, or sleep over. She of course can't have them over as she may have to work..
Background to this story-- New years day 2003. I was home with the kids. Hub is partying over Lynn's. Lorie calls and says that her family and the other sisters are going to this cool place downtown. Lynn says her kids will not go. Sister drive over there and pick her kids up. Does anyone think to call me and see if me and my kids would want to go?? No. I found out about it later, and called Lorie.. I was very upset about how my kids are always forgotten, but eveyone always remembers Lynns kids. Do I have to be a sister, and not just a sister in law to rate?? I did call Lorie and tell her how I felt. I mean, I was practically crying on the phone...(note that there are other things my kids are not included in-this is not the only incident, but it's the worst)
Fast forward... Lorie calls the other day. She has tickets to a baseball game for tomorrow. 1 ticket left. Does my hub want to go?? I tell him, and of course the answer is yes. He tells me that it's through her work ,and a good deal, He mentions that Lorie feels bad that she didn;t get enough tickets.. Why?? I certainly did not want to go.
I see lorie today. She mentions something about the 2 boys being over.. HHmm.. later, a brainstorm hits me-- Lynn's kids are spending the night, and of course there is no way they will NOT be going to the game.. I get home, and found out from hub that Lorie got 10 tickets(tomorrow is her daughter's birthday) and Lynn got tickets for herself and her 2 kids only..
So, here we have another time when my kids are ignored. I vented my frustration out and my hub, and he says that 1 of our daughters can take his ticket and go with them. He calls Lorie. Well, Lorie doesn't want to watch our kid. She is supposed to call Lynn to see if my kid can go with her. Lorie calls back and she and my husband have heated words( I think she does feel guilty and the best defense is a good offence) She doesn't want to call Lynn to see if my kid can go with her.He wanted to talk to their mother, who is staying with Lorie to see if she will watch her(she's 10 and well behaved) but mom is sleeping. The ticket is my husband's only, and if she sees him, she sees him. If not, oh well. She also said she never should have asked him.
As of now my hub is not going. I told him this was a slap in the face to our kids. After he told me what she said, I almost started crying.
Am I over reacting to be so upset about this?Honestly, I am ready to cut all ties to his family. However, downside to that is theat we would have no one to spend holidays with.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NOT in love thank goodness
Posts: 115
my thoughts....take em or leave em. I'm not real good on relationship/family stuff (DUH - probably wouldn't be on here if i was).
Anyway:
1. let your daughter go to the party. the birthday girl and your daughter don't need to get caught up in this petty adult crap.
2. where is your husband in all this stuff??? seems pretty non existent or off enjoying the party all the time himself and leaving you and the kids behind. Seems to me that this is an issue you take up with HIM. this is HIS family. I think I would be more miffed at him than anyone.
3. Those two sisters are selfish game players...you are NOT overreacting. They are playing games. Set your boundaries with them and keep them in their place!! Don't look to this family for much support, love, whatever in the future. Find some good friends to spend time with.
Anyway:
1. let your daughter go to the party. the birthday girl and your daughter don't need to get caught up in this petty adult crap.
2. where is your husband in all this stuff??? seems pretty non existent or off enjoying the party all the time himself and leaving you and the kids behind. Seems to me that this is an issue you take up with HIM. this is HIS family. I think I would be more miffed at him than anyone.
3. Those two sisters are selfish game players...you are NOT overreacting. They are playing games. Set your boundaries with them and keep them in their place!! Don't look to this family for much support, love, whatever in the future. Find some good friends to spend time with.
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I am so sorry you and your kids are going through this.............I am going to share something that I have been going through for the last 10 years of my second marriage....
I have two older kids that are not with my AH......and we have one daughter together...who is six.....she is the only grandchild of my AH mother.........I have gone through alot of issues regarding my two older kids being left out of a whole lot of things....it hurt me tremendously.......I hurt for my kids............as time has gone by...........I had to learn to let it go.........it was the hardest thing I had ever done......I spent some many nights argueing with my AH.........telling him to please talk to his mother...........his mother brings treats and buys anything for my youngest daughter......anything she wanted she would get it..........and she would never bring anything over for my other two kids............I think it hurt me more then it did my kids....alot of the time I dont think that my kids noticed much..........and as I kept argueing with my husband.........they started noticing more of what was going on around them...........it caused alot of heartache and confusion............my two older kids didnt understand...........why she would bring things for my youngest daughter and could never bring anything for them........his mother even was telling my youngest daugher to hide treats in her drawers so she could have them for later.........I truly began to hate her.......and it was eating me alive..................
I had to let it go..................it was creating nothing but chaos in my life........on top of everything else.............I had to learn that it was not my fault this person could be so uncaring after 10 years that she would continue to do this........it didnt matter what I said...........I have explained to my two older kids that I cant control what my mother in law does...........my kids know how horrible she is being.......and they know it is not their fault..........even my younger child who is only six.....is picking up on what her granny is doing...........she has even said something to her.........on her own.....she occasionaly asks her to please bring something for her bubby and sissy too..........whether it was a bag of chips, cookies, ice cream........whatever it was......my kids are learning a hard lesson in life.........very young..........
I have had to talk to his mom myself and say look buy her whatever you would like but please do not bring it to my home.........I have two other children that didnt understand.......why you couldnt afford two more packages of crackers.........or whatever it was..........
I think alot of the times it hurt me more then it did my kids..........and that is why I had to let it go........I kept trying to force someone to love my two older kids as much as I do.............I realize that I cant......no matter what I did or what I said nothing ever worked..........I even tried to make up for it............but I couldnt keep up..........I cant fix everything and this is definetly something I couldnt fix............so in my best way that I possibly could I tried to let me kids know how much I loved them.....and her behavior wasnt right but most above all it isnt there fault..............
instead of having just one grandchild she could have three.........that would love her and three that she could spoil..............but she chooses not to..........and one day this is something that she will have to answer too.........her only grandchild is going to see how unfair she is.............
So as hard as it may seem.........this is something I had to let go...........and let God...
I have two older kids that are not with my AH......and we have one daughter together...who is six.....she is the only grandchild of my AH mother.........I have gone through alot of issues regarding my two older kids being left out of a whole lot of things....it hurt me tremendously.......I hurt for my kids............as time has gone by...........I had to learn to let it go.........it was the hardest thing I had ever done......I spent some many nights argueing with my AH.........telling him to please talk to his mother...........his mother brings treats and buys anything for my youngest daughter......anything she wanted she would get it..........and she would never bring anything over for my other two kids............I think it hurt me more then it did my kids....alot of the time I dont think that my kids noticed much..........and as I kept argueing with my husband.........they started noticing more of what was going on around them...........it caused alot of heartache and confusion............my two older kids didnt understand...........why she would bring things for my youngest daughter and could never bring anything for them........his mother even was telling my youngest daugher to hide treats in her drawers so she could have them for later.........I truly began to hate her.......and it was eating me alive..................
I had to let it go..................it was creating nothing but chaos in my life........on top of everything else.............I had to learn that it was not my fault this person could be so uncaring after 10 years that she would continue to do this........it didnt matter what I said...........I have explained to my two older kids that I cant control what my mother in law does...........my kids know how horrible she is being.......and they know it is not their fault..........even my younger child who is only six.....is picking up on what her granny is doing...........she has even said something to her.........on her own.....she occasionaly asks her to please bring something for her bubby and sissy too..........whether it was a bag of chips, cookies, ice cream........whatever it was......my kids are learning a hard lesson in life.........very young..........
I have had to talk to his mom myself and say look buy her whatever you would like but please do not bring it to my home.........I have two other children that didnt understand.......why you couldnt afford two more packages of crackers.........or whatever it was..........
I think alot of the times it hurt me more then it did my kids..........and that is why I had to let it go........I kept trying to force someone to love my two older kids as much as I do.............I realize that I cant......no matter what I did or what I said nothing ever worked..........I even tried to make up for it............but I couldnt keep up..........I cant fix everything and this is definetly something I couldnt fix............so in my best way that I possibly could I tried to let me kids know how much I loved them.....and her behavior wasnt right but most above all it isnt there fault..............
instead of having just one grandchild she could have three.........that would love her and three that she could spoil..............but she chooses not to..........and one day this is something that she will have to answer too.........her only grandchild is going to see how unfair she is.............
So as hard as it may seem.........this is something I had to let go...........and let God...
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Posts: 428
Thanks ladies--
Tiny voice--
1) I have not decided about the party yet. Emotions are still too raw.
2)BINGO!!!! He is always off in his own party. However, I don't want to blame him for this. My issues with his family are mine, not his. Anyway, they're all partiers and I am seen as the one who does bot want to have any fun (ie- drink to excess) I really might be better off having nothing to do with them ..
3) Well, kinda addressed above!! My boundary might just be no contact. Anyway, even the other cousins are not very nice to my kids.
Gracey- Thank to you too. I had read that before about your mil. That is crappy. I think you are right to not allow her to bring anything over. Maybe make it a joke with the older ones--Eye roll if she comes over with stuff.. Can your youngest share her "booty" with the older ones, in front of her?? However, in this case, Lorie and Lynn are my kids aunts. Laurie is one of their godmothers!!(they are twins, 10) They don;t like her much tho- she can be mean. My husband;s family acts odd with their kids-- they are very strict, almost mean. Lynn has cursed at her kids, in front of me. ("What the F did you do that for??" kinda stuff. I think they;re too mean sometimes. However, I am a pushover, so what do I know??
I also have HUGE issues with my MIL, useless wino that she is. THAT is about 10 other stories!!!
Here's a little factoid about his family-- when I was 5 mos pregnant with the twins, I was put on bed rest. Think anyone ever came over with a or cleaned or anything?? No one ever did. We were on our own Correction0 I was on my own- that is when hub's partying started out of control.
Tiny voice--
1) I have not decided about the party yet. Emotions are still too raw.
2)BINGO!!!! He is always off in his own party. However, I don't want to blame him for this. My issues with his family are mine, not his. Anyway, they're all partiers and I am seen as the one who does bot want to have any fun (ie- drink to excess) I really might be better off having nothing to do with them ..
3) Well, kinda addressed above!! My boundary might just be no contact. Anyway, even the other cousins are not very nice to my kids.
Gracey- Thank to you too. I had read that before about your mil. That is crappy. I think you are right to not allow her to bring anything over. Maybe make it a joke with the older ones--Eye roll if she comes over with stuff.. Can your youngest share her "booty" with the older ones, in front of her?? However, in this case, Lorie and Lynn are my kids aunts. Laurie is one of their godmothers!!(they are twins, 10) They don;t like her much tho- she can be mean. My husband;s family acts odd with their kids-- they are very strict, almost mean. Lynn has cursed at her kids, in front of me. ("What the F did you do that for??" kinda stuff. I think they;re too mean sometimes. However, I am a pushover, so what do I know??
I also have HUGE issues with my MIL, useless wino that she is. THAT is about 10 other stories!!!
Here's a little factoid about his family-- when I was 5 mos pregnant with the twins, I was put on bed rest. Think anyone ever came over with a or cleaned or anything?? No one ever did. We were on our own Correction0 I was on my own- that is when hub's partying started out of control.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I understand it and no you are not wrong to get upset. I used to watch my former father-in-law and still do watch him treat his daughters children (the oldest one especially ) better than mine. I would leave Chistmas dinner so mad I was in tears. Everyone in my ex-hubby's family worshiped his sister Faith and even their other sister Pam she would send a box full of presents at Xmas for her kids and nothing to mine. My ex was more or less the black sheep and his youngest sister was the saint. His father has not seen my girls in well over a year. Last week my daughter (7 yrs.old) left him the sweetest message begging him to please call her and he did not even bother. It hurts I feel like my kids have lost a whole side of their family and it is not fair but I have the consolation of knowing that I am showing them what a real family is about and that is unconditional love. I have let all the anger that I have had for his family go because there is nothing I can do about it. That burden just became to heavy to bear and one day they will have to answer for the way they have made my daughters feel . I just point out the good things that my daughters have and let them know just how lucky they are they have my side of the family that love them very much , their daddy and his new wife, and my boyfriend that loves them too. I do not even mention their fathers family very much why make them feel bad.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
((sdp))
I have had to detach from a lot of my family. Their inability to respect me and be considerate of me are unhealthy for me. I can't change them, so I have a choice how much, if any, involvement that I want to have with them. I know that they are going to be that way, so why put myself through it. I don't blame them for the way they are. I accept that they can choose to live their life the way they want. I have many people in my life today, through Al-Anon, that are like family to me. They treat me well and respect me. That is what I want in my life. Today I have a choice. Hugs, Magic
I have had to detach from a lot of my family. Their inability to respect me and be considerate of me are unhealthy for me. I can't change them, so I have a choice how much, if any, involvement that I want to have with them. I know that they are going to be that way, so why put myself through it. I don't blame them for the way they are. I accept that they can choose to live their life the way they want. I have many people in my life today, through Al-Anon, that are like family to me. They treat me well and respect me. That is what I want in my life. Today I have a choice. Hugs, Magic
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 88
"I have had to detach from a lot of my family. Their inability to respect me and be considerate of me are unhealthy for me. I can't change them, so I have a choice how much, if any, involvement that I want to have with them. I know that they are going to be that way, so why put myself through it. I don't blame them for the way they are. I accept that they can choose to live their life the way they want. I have many people in my life today, through Al-Anon, that are like family to me. They treat me well and respect me. That is what I want in my life. Today I have a choice. Hugs, Magic."
As usual Magic has said it all. Hope that I find a sponour as her.
_________________________
sdp...good luck with this. My prayers and positive vibes are for you. Know its not easy.
As usual Magic has said it all. Hope that I find a sponour as her.
_________________________
sdp...good luck with this. My prayers and positive vibes are for you. Know its not easy.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
]Thanks all.
I'm still not sure if I will distance myself. I don;t want to go off half cocked and alienate people.
Also, Lynn called us (I was not home) 1/2 hour before the game was to start. 3 more tickets were found and she wanted hub and kids to come down. Real thoughtful, eh?? The White Sox play in Chicago, and we are in the suburbs. 1.2 hour, sure!!! Mighty nice of her.
I'm still not sure if I will distance myself. I don;t want to go off half cocked and alienate people.
Also, Lynn called us (I was not home) 1/2 hour before the game was to start. 3 more tickets were found and she wanted hub and kids to come down. Real thoughtful, eh?? The White Sox play in Chicago, and we are in the suburbs. 1.2 hour, sure!!! Mighty nice of her.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Posts: 428
Nothing happening here, nuch. We did get an invite to the bday party, but I will tell me hub it's up to him if they go--respond, take them, provide gift, etc ..
I think I will distance myself from them (no great loss)
Another SIL, a long time ago, had somehow "spammed" me- meaning I was not able to send her emails. I found out how she could correct it, wrote the instructions down, etc, but she "never got around to it".. She sends me stuff a lot. I thought we were friends, but she has been acting odd around me lately..Anyway, tonight I "spammed" her. Now my account will no longer accept emails from her.
I think I will distance myself from them (no great loss)
Another SIL, a long time ago, had somehow "spammed" me- meaning I was not able to send her emails. I found out how she could correct it, wrote the instructions down, etc, but she "never got around to it".. She sends me stuff a lot. I thought we were friends, but she has been acting odd around me lately..Anyway, tonight I "spammed" her. Now my account will no longer accept emails from her.
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