celticheart

I recently reconnected with a childhood friend. He admitted to me that he had been homeless for six years. I could barely see the man I remember. I also believe he is still using. Meth or crack. He is in bad shape. He is being evicted from his famlies home on Aug 1st. He said he has nowhere to go, and that he faces being homeless again. He asked me if he could move into my home. I told him no. It hurt me to tell him that, but I have roomates. If he is still using, puting them in jeopardy along with myself isn't something I am prepared to do. It's a huge responsibility. I know I hurt him. I want to help him, but he is in denial. But, I don't want to see him go to the streets. I'm so worried. Is there something I can do? I know he doesn't want to hear preaching. He has made that clear. He is angry and frightened at the same time. Mostly he is ashamed of what he has become. I believe it's not too late. I just don't know how to help him without alienating myself from him. Right now I am his only friend. But, he won't open up. He feels hopeless.

fatclown

A friend is someone who you can count on, if you cannot help him out its because he was never your friend in the first place. Cheers.

Kellye C

I disagree with that. There is helping and there is enabling and I think taking someone who is actively using into your home so that they don't have to face being homeless would fall under enabling. Some of us had to hit bottoms before we would get out of denial about our problem and how big that problem had become. As long as there was someone there to pick up the pieces then we could continue on our merry way feeding our disease.

I empathize with how you feel you want to help your friend. All I can really suggest is to let him know you care about him and that when/if he reaches the point where he is willing to accept help you will help him find a treatment or a meeting. The addict/alcoholic has to want to do this thing because it is very hard to do and doing it for others isn't a sufficient motivator to keep at it (or at least it wasn't for me). I had to be in so much pain that I became sick and tired of being sick and tired. Even then it's not easy. But it is possible.

If you are a praying person you can certainly pray for this person, that circumstances will lead this person to seek treatment. You are right that it would be unfair to yourself and your roommates to bring in an active addict. You would be placing yourselves in a lot of risk.

None of this is easy and I doubt that I've helped any but wanted to tell you my experiences with this. There is a Friends and Family board that you may want to check out if you haven't already done so. They are very familiar with your type of situation.

Hugs,
Kellye

mertyl

thats a really bad situation to have to sort out for yourself. In one sense you see an old friend asking for help. On the other hand you see a potential disaster. And probably if your gut says no, no matter how painful it is to say it to him, there is a reason.
Its hard to let down someone who continually lets themselves down. But when someone hits the bottom, they can only go up. If he doenst want to hear "preaching", he is probably not ready for help. And when he gets there and wants help, there are some places he can turn to. You may be thinking to yourself "what if he moves in and changes?" But, what happens if he doesn't? You will feel even more let down then.
So perhaps you could take him somewhere to get some help and a shelter for sleep. And if he refuses those things, he isnt ready.

Good luck
mertyl

BigSis

Hi CelticHeart - both my kids are addicts, my daughter's drug of choice is meth. When we put them out of our home - and daughter was at age 17 with the mind and maturity of a 14 year old - it was the hardest thing we ever did.

She ended up hanging out and getting worse than before - her paranoia was intense and she was ....crazy.

She shoplifted for thrills and in exchange for drugs and got caught just before Christmas 2005. That landed her in drug court, which landed her in (her 4th) rehab, which allowed her to meet someone she cared very much about... which eventually resulted in her getting clean and sober. So far - for over a year.

Had someone taken her in when she needed to fall, she may still be out there.

I know you mean well, but I am glad you put the well-being of your roommates - and yourself, too, I hope - over the needs of your friend.

Having numbers for the local detox, rehab and Salvation Army Rehabilitation (free) can be helpful... if he asks for help.

I wish you the best.

celticheart

Thank you Kellye.....I know I did the right thing.....but, it sure feels crappy right now. I know he needs to reach out and ask for help, before he can be helped. I will worry myself sick after the 1st of Aug, when I will lose contact with him. Hopefully he will stay in touch with me. But, again, I can't force him to. I have horrible dreams that his mom or dad call me to tell me bad news. It's like (not really-but sort of) when my son was in 2nd grade. We lived about five houses from his school. He just had to reach the crossing guard. He wanted to be a big boy (he was very independant) and walk to school by himself. So, I let him think he walked by himself, but I followed him and hid behind bushes. I couldn't trust other elements out there, but, I didn't want him to think that he couldn't be trusted. I had to make sure he got there safe. I want to help my friend. But, I know not to enable him. I lost my brother to a drug overdose. I had many years before he died with drug behavior. I know the lies and manipulation. I also know it's the drugs talking. While they are addicted they are still in there somewhere, but the drugs are controlling them. I'm sure right now he would sell his mother out for a bag of dope. I'm so afraid that he is gone (in more than one way) forever. Right now he hates himself. He thinks he is not worthy, or capable of being free from the hold that drugs have on him. I wish I could get through to him that people do love him, and that he is worth loving. And, that just because it seems like it right now......he was not meant to be an addict. That he deserves a good life like everyone does. He's had it pounded in his head by his parents that he is worthless. That he will never amount to anything. Unfortunately, if your told that enough.....you just may start believing it. Please pray for my friend.

celticheart

Hi Big Sis. I am sorry to hear about your kids. I am glad things are going well for one of your children. Is one still using? I would like to kill whoever invented that evil crap. I'm sure they are long gone......as dope (of some kind), has been around for many years. It's ruined so many lives. So many have suffered. Addicts, family & friends. I appreciate your input......I will try to be strong for him. I will try to explain to him that I will be here when he will accept help. I pray he makes that first step. Please pray for my friend.

celticheart

Hi Mertyl, Thank you for the post. I appreciate your advice. I know he would not move in and "change". I know he is not ready yet. And, until he is.......he cannot be trusted. He is desperate right now. And, puts drugs before everything. Even his own well being.....such as, a roof over his head, etc. I can only wait until he comes to me for help. I will be here.....when he is ready. I just want him to know that. Please pray for my friend.

BigSis

Celtic...today, both are clean and sober. Son has drifted away from actively working a program, as a codependent, I can let myself get all twingled up about that... if I let myself. His drugs of choice are pot/alcohol...but he was progressing pretty rapidly into pills and X when he was court ordered to treatment, also in 2005 (we saw both kids in the same rehab at different times 4 times in one year!).

My daughter is clean, married, pregnant with baby due in about 6 weeks. Her husband is a real pillar... determined to stay clean no matter what. His strength helped her initially, now he leans a little on her to learn about life-skills - as crazy as she was, she has a bit more practical experience under her belt than he. Watching them learn to live sober is nerve wracking... but I think much of what Mr. Big and I feel is the same for any parents of young marrieds watching as they fumble around with budgets and boundaries and life in general.

I am sorry about your brother... I know that a big number of our addicts and alcoholics die active in their disease... and it is horrifying when I think of the loss of such potential.

But in the most recent version of the AA Big Book, there is a story of an old man who finds recovery... at age 70. My thought when I read his story, was oh man - I wonder how his family felt all those years. But the purpose of the story being included (I think) is that we can never give up hope. Where there is life...

Prayers going up for your friend - we never can know when it will be their time.