ibhmn

Day 4 Sober—So far So Good. My co-dependant wife reminded me however that I had promised her/us 24 hours of “fun” alone time, hotel etc…before the kids went back to school. She gave me what sounded like the “alternate close” and said, “What day would be better, Wednesday or Thursday?” I said Thursday to buy an extra day.

We occasionally have these outings but we would always start drinking when we unpacked our bags. I had told her a few days ago (in a nurturing voice that I would love to go but that I wasn’t going to drink—but it was okay if she did (and she assures me that she will). I got a snide remark that I don’t recall which frustrated me. It wasn’t the first snide remark I’ve received since I told her Saturday night I was stopping either.

She keeps saying that I should go to a doctor—even now that I have been clean for four days clean while maintaining my blood pressure and getting decent sleep all considered. She has always been the “parent” in our “parent/child” relationship and I kind of feel like she is powering up by invoking the “other” higher power (the doctor). I feel like she is using this as an excuse to protect her dominant territory in some way… and also as a way to hold on to me as a co-dependant in order to justify and continue her drinking habits.

I definitely am going to see the doctor in 30 days and--and I would have gone immediately if the withdrawal had started to get out of control. I want to clean myself up for a month and then get a physical and see where my body is then. Going now in order to get his permission to quit seems odd and disingenuous—I think she doesn’t want to me to dampen her ways. I also think she is going to feel jealous if the kids notice that she still drinks everyday and that I quit—she is very competitive but doesn’t think she is (or so she says).

I love her very much—especially when we’re both clear eyed and not drunk, craving or withdrawing. I’m really keeping my cool and telling her I love her and I think she’s noticed that I’ve actually been a BETTER husband the last 4 days. I know that if I go clean first it may end up saving her life as well someday if she can see from me that sobriety isn’t a death sentence—but quite possibly the opposite.

As I read over this I realize I’ve just rambled and rambled, vented and vented. Sorry—thanks for your time. I know what I need to do. I know also that I’m not going to budge no matter what position she puts me in—including bars.

It has been a little frustrating the last few days to see her always grab her first drink when she sees I’m in the kitchen and I can’t help but watch. I think she tried to play dumb on day one by talking about great the weather was and how it would be so much fun to go to our “park.” She never said to drink but that that was ALWAYS the code for drinking. Am I paranoid about what she is doing? Is this a function of my poor brain trying to figure life out sober?…Or could she really be trying to sabotage?

Dang it! Here I went on with my pity party again…

Any suggestions to getting through Thursday night/Friday day would be greatly appreciated. I love her very much—I just want both of us to be free from this crud that has so hindered our marriage and set such a bad example for our teenage children…

Thanks for everything. Everyone here is just super!

wishful

No problems with the venting - it sounds like you have a sincere worry and you're very smart to be thinking about how to maintain your sobriety "under fire". She is being challenged by your sobriety - especially as she is the "parent" in your relationship, as you say. Changing your addiction behaviors will change your outlook, priorities, everything (for the better, we trust) so naturally it will unsettle your relationship and I'm sure you will both be feeling uneasy - it's almost as if you have to start all over and redefine everything between you. She is also seeing it as a threat to her behavior and will be looking for you to be judgemental "oh, now that you're not drinking I'm bad for doing it, right?" Not saying this is great or fun, just natural - hey, we're all human!
Just be as open & non-judgemental as you can, but firm in your stand - you are not going to drink! Think of lots of fun things to do (yes, of course, THAT, but also maybe a special dinner, going out walking late at night and looking at stars, go to a cheesy late movie, etc.?) Maybe she will see that the undrunk you is a wonderful person and a lot of fun to be with, too. We all come to sobriety when the time is right for us, no one can do it for us. I will hope that you both have a wonderful loving weekend, and that when the time is right for her she follows your good example and joins you in a new and happier life! Bless you both!

Ngokpa

She could be unconsciously undermining your sobriety, because sobriety can't help but change the chemestry of the relationship. Perhaps she's just unaware of how challenging and precarious early sobriety is. I think you need to do whatever is right for you, which in my book would mean sticking around meetings. It's only your health and well being on the line. Pretending you can be normal after a few days just isn't realistic.

ibhmn

Thanks Wishful and Ngokpa. You both gave me really good and grounded advice. It was very kind of you to write such thoughtful responses.

I'm about to start a thread asking for help to check in with me on Monday to make sure I'm accountable. I'd be honored if you guys would consider being one of my "sobriety cops" for this weekend as well.

Thanks again for your kind and wise comments...

Anna

She could be trying to sabotage you because she is afraid of losing the control that she thinks she has. It sounds like that is very important to her and to see you breaking free and moving in a different direction could be very threatening to her.

I hope you get through the weekend and can stay strong. My best advice would be to try to stay focused on your goal of not drinking and put other things after that.

ibhmn

You could very well be right. Thanks for your insights and help again...

wishful

Will definitely look for your thread and be glad to be a "sobriety cop" - great term!! I used that help to get me through my first two sober holidays - Memorial Day and 4th of July - and it really helped take drinking "off the table" for me! Hope to hear from a clean and happy you on Monday - have a totally fun time!

ibhmn

Thanks for your help again Wishful. BTW, I really like the last thread you started. I can relate to where you are coming from and I think that is one (of the many) reasons so many people like SR. SR may be a perfect glide path for many to understand how many wonderful angels are out there to help--and to demystify the AA process a bit.

I know now that I would go to AA meetings if I needed to. But for now at least, SR is my truly anonymous "AA lite"...

TexasDawn

Count me in to check in on this thread!

I'm going to Hilton Head tomorrow and will also be sorely tempted for a week. I'm hoping to visit an internet cafe and check in with SR a couple of times while I am down there. And I already have a list of AA meetings and directions to a major clubhouse.

I hope you have a good time and that you and your wife don't fight. She sounds primed to pick a fight... I know how I felt when I was drinking and my husband refused to be my drinking partner at times. If I got really drunk I would usually get infuriated at him and cause a fight. (um.... I mean....scratch that - women NEVER cause fights. LOL)

NYCGirl

Consider yourself in!

NYCGirl

It's D-night we'll be waiting to here from you tomorrow!

Hope all is going well!

NYCGirl

Still waiting to hear the juicy details (well maybe not all of them) of date night.

ibhmn

Note: I’m posting this in the two threads I mentioned needing help…sorry for the redundancy—just wanted to make sure everyone got the feedback.

First of all, thank you:

Wishful
Ngokpa
TexasDawn
NYCGirl
Lastbinge
51anna
Hope4life
Dreamz
2dayzmuse
smyle
Ghostintheruins
Alera
MNGirlyGirl
Lollipop

How could I fail when I knew I had 14 caring people pulling for me—and holding me accountable!

Secondly: WARNING!!! Long boring rambling stream of consciousness to follow. Get a strong shot if caffeine if you want to make it through this. Or, if you’re having a hard time sleeping at night, read this at bedtime and save yourself the benadryl!

Here goes,

I must say that it went pretty well. Even though the toughest day was Thursday, I wanted to wait until the weekend was nearly over to respond since my wife I and always have a standing (unspoken) agreement to go out on our (drinking) dates over the weekend. Therefore this Friday and Saturday were going to be tough enough since it was going to be my first sober weekend in 20 plus years. But, to throw the “special” night of Thursday on top really made it daunting. Question: Was it less than supportive for her to throw this at me on weekend #1 of sobriety? I know now she was staking out boundaries to protect her own way of life but geez…

Anyway, I think Wishful and Ngokpa were right. This really is changing the chemistry of the relationship and we have to redefine our roles and priorities. I also knew you guys were right about being concerned about myself first and not her.

We went to a park that had a festival first. We had a pretty good time, but the 800-pound Gorilla in both of our minds was “This is nice but we haven’t had any booze yet.” I hear a band down the way. I told her there is probably wine where there is music. Let’s go listen to the music and get you a glass. We sat for a while and then the most amazing thing happened. I looked to my left and saw the therapist I had seen a few times—the one who told me my problems were drinking—not all the other things I wanted to talk about! (This is a BIG city. The odds of seeing her anywhere would be one in ten thousand at least—divine intervention maybe?) I asked my wife if she wanted to be introduced but she didn’t feel comfortable. I proudly said hi and showed off the glass of ice water I was sporting.

The next stop was dinner. She has a glass of wine. I could tell after a while she wanted another but doesn’t feel comfortable. I ask her if she wants another as the waiter approaches and she says yes so I order her one. Normally we would have each had three so we’re saving some money at least…

Next, we go to the hotel. I’m trying to convince her that things don’t have to be different for her just because I’ve quit. I open the bottle and pour her a glass. After a while I notice that she’s gone to the other room and is staring out the window with a sort of lost look. I was concerned for her but I admit part of me was thinking “I know you are in mourning here but this isn’t exactly easy for me either!” (lol).

I asked her what was wrong and she said “nothing” as she usually does. I saw a tear run down her cheek in the dark and wiped it away. I held her and said “are you going to be okay with me not drinking?” She said “sure” in a tone that was a third sincere, a third flip, and a third depressed.

I told her that I couldn’t live my life like this anymore and all the reasons, emotionally and physically, that I needed to stop. She pointed out that she wasn’t having any of those problems. I said I was happy for her—but part of me wanted to say that “This isn’t a competition.” She also made it clear that she was going to drink and I had better not make her feel bad about it. I promised her I wouldn’t—that this wasn’t about her... All the while, I kept thinking about my new SR friends whom I don’t really even know but who are SO supportive.

We talked a long time and I reassured her of how much I loved her and how I would never leave her no matter what . (She has a lot of abandonment issues due to her Dad leaving when she was 7—I think that’s part of why she started drinking at 14 to ease the pain of a Father who left her and never was interested in her life until she was about 30.) I also told her that I had no intention of changing her drinking habits. My drinking was disrupting MY life and I had no reason to interfere with her on this issue. Things got better from there and we had a wonderful evening once we cleared the air.

I realized at that time that the battle, if there was one, was BEFORE Thursday. The snide remarks... The planning of the special night on weekend number one… Asking me to buy her wine, not coming to bed the first night etc…She was not going to actively sabotage during the special night because she worried that I might blame her.

A few years ago we were arguing over whether I should go to graduate school. It got pretty emotional and finally she said “You’re right. You need to go. I want you to go.” So the next week I signed up. She was furious! “We didn’t talk about this. You didn’t run this by me.” I said that she TOLD me to do it. Then she said “Well yeah but I didn’t think you were really going to do it!” AHAA! So that’s the “MO.” Hubby isn’t really going to follow through. Just placate him—this too will go away. Graduate school was rough on the marriage. At one point she was hinting at maybe seeing “an attorney.” I offered to quit school and she said “No, because you’ll blame me for not finishing.” Hmmm, was the pattern repeating itself? Sabotage…but not so overtly that she can be blamed?

I don’t know anymore. It’s probably all paranoia from the withdrawals. Friday night for example, she went to a neighbor’s house that she never goes to. All the sudden I started thinking “wait a minute, she’s ditching me again to find friends that are drinking.” Our Fridays together are now subject to whether or not she can find someone who is drinking. Tuesday, for instance, she said she was going to go out with a friend that she doesn’t really have that good of time with. Her reasoning was “I’ve nothing better to do (sic).”

The paranoia really set in. Maybe she was just being nice on Thursday and the sabotage would begin in earnest on Friday. To my relief she came home about 9:00 and was just great. She wanted to “go out” which was code for drinking but I told her I was too tired from exercising.

Last night we did go out to eat. Sat at the bar no less because the seats are more “comfortable.” I’m getting fatigued at this point. The bartender knows what I like and started to serve me almost as I was sitting down. I told him I wanted water instead. My wife was going on like nothing had changed. I felt happy about that. She seems to be buying into our lives being okay with me sober. Then she said something that really piqued my interest. She said “This is my first one (drink). I’m doing good.” It was 10:00pm and she had held off. We ended up buying another bottle on the way home and she probably finished the night with 3.5 glasses—much better than the 6 or 7 she was used to. Who knows maybe she wants to get better at this too!

Thanks again to everyone who responded to my threads. You’ll never know how much strength, hope, and wisdom you gave me. If I can ever repay, please let me know.

Thanks

Ibhmn “(I’ll be humming”…when sobriety arrives)

P.S.

Below are the lyrics to a song (“The River”) I stumbled upon during my nefarious Napster days by Garth Brooks. I’m not really a fan of his but the words to this really captivate me. I liken the water to our dreams and the shore to the temptations of abusing…



You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

BigSis

Hi Ibh... You sound very strong, congrats on handling the weekend. I wish you well in the future.

When my mom quit drinking 25 years ago, my dad's "social" drinking really escalated. Looking back, I believe it was his way of getting revenge or getting even with having to be the more sober of the pair for so long. Mom put up with his antics for a year... then she told him she was going to have a non-drinking home, he could stay or he could leave - his choice.

He stayed. Sober. They had an awesome last 15 years together.

I wish you the best!

ibhmn

Thanks BigSis,

I appreciate your feedback.

ibhmn

To any of the kind souls that came here to check up on how things went, please check out the other thread as well that (so far) has more feedback from the others (and me).

It is:

"Day 4--Need SR friends to check in with me after peer pressure test this weekend"

2dayzmuse

You can do it. Just keep those soda's and lemon/lime coming. On a good note, it will help prevent you from getting scurvy.

MNGirlyGirl

I'm so glad that you did so well over the weekend. I think you have a lot of good insight into your wife. You have to realize that she doesn't know where this is all going and it will change her life. This will also force her to look at her own drinking (pressure from herself -- not you). While change is good, it is also scary. I'm so happy that you made it through a pretty tough "test". It just gets better!!!! Hold on!
Kathy

ibhmn

Thanks for all your help and suggestions 2Dayzmuse! I got a big kick out of your scurvy observation

ibhmn

You're right about what she is going through. A few days ago I couldn't see it. I just knew how much I needed her help in not enabling. I have to be realistic but things have gone about as good as I could have hoped for at this point.

Thanks for your kind thoughts and insights.