Lollipop

Well, today should be 5 weeks for me, in reality, it is now back down to Day 4
Friday started out as normal, the weather here in Ohio has been unbearable but still we keep moving along, through the heat and humidity, the air so thick it seems you can cut it with a knife. My day was fine, I did'nt have any bad things to set me off, No anger, No sadness, NOTHING. I went all day not even thinking about drinking. Got the gardening done, got the housework done, you name it, just another day and then.........
I came in from the heat, took a long refreshing shower and sat down with my parents just to catch up so to speak. Dad was already wasted and babbeling on with stories that I have heard a zillion times already, Mom was a bit buzzed and being somewhat short tempered. A little about Mom and Dad real quick, a sidebar if you will....Mom has the parkonsis and this frustrates her as she has always been one to keep moving, she gets short tempered because of her meds, realizing she CANT do some things anymore, and my Dad. As for him, my Dad, well.....He has COPD, clogged arteries in both legs, we see the surgeon the 24th for yet another angiogram so that a surgery date can be set, and he is an alcoholic. The thing is, I accompany them to all doctor visits, Dad does NOTHING to help himself. He literally gets up and sits at the kitchen table and smokes cigarettes, he normally opens his first beer by 10 am. every day, will only eat once, usually in the late afternoon, and takes a couple short naps, always getting a beer when he wakes up and is passing out at the table by 8 pm and has to be told to go to bed. Mom and I have told his doctors of his drinking and sleeping and not eating, we have tried everything from heartfelt conversations to tough love with him and it does not matter, he will sit there and do NOTHING day after day, he expects everyone else to do for him and then throws tantrums when we wont. I am past that, I let him through his tantrums, I literally have to **** him off daily to get him to take his meds etc. And Mom is not happy with him, she has thrown her hands up and decided that if he wants to sit and drink and smoke himself to death then fine as he is 65 years old and she is tired of fighting with him. So anyway......
I just decided to drink a beer.....which led to several. I have no idea why I did, I did nothing stupid nor did I say anything I regretted, and since, I have had no desire to drink again. Or at least for today. I am disapointed in myself, but not angry, I realize that I am human but not using it as an axcuse. I just reconfirmed that I am an alcoholic and cannot drink. Today is a new day and I will not drink. does this make me a bad person? Should I be angry with myself for falling?
Thanks for reading, sorry this is so long, I just needed to share, I feel even better now.
Have a wonderful sober day all.

Love Liss

kali ma

Lollipop - I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad day. I am far from being the expert, but as long as you can put it behind you, and not beat yourself up about it, I think you are on the right path. As far as you father goes, I can't really offer any advice. I would say that if he is stuck in his ways, there is really nothing you can do to change that. At least you know. Anyway, I'm glad you are back to being sober. Good for you for weathering through it.

GeorgiaPeach

I am not mad at you and you should not be mad at yourself! I am not disappointed either but you may feel that way because you had 5 weeks under your belt but don't. Like you said, you are only human and you will make mistakes. The important thing is to pick yourself up and start again and learn from your mistakes. My AH always gets onto my son for making mistakes but I told him that if he never made mistakes then he would not learn from them and have a lack of common sense. Don't worry about it but don't forget it either. Be strong!!! I haven't forgot about the Mayo either but I got busy last week and didn't get it out and then got layed off on Friday but all is good and I am going to send it to you today or tomorrow. I have a bad habbit of procrastinating, can't you tell? I am getting better about that though!

GP

wiscgirl30

Definitely dont be angry with yourself! Its a new day... However, from experience, dont fall into the trap of thinking that because you didn't do anything stupid *this time* that next time you wont either....

Good for you for your 5 weeks. It was just a slip.... And yes, you are only human.

Sorry to hear about your parents being in bad shape. I know that must be very difficult....

NYCGirl

Look at the bright side something postitve came from it. I feel that we are learning something new, how not to drink since most of live where spent drinking. think of this, what in your life have you ever done that actually came out perfect the first time.

If at first you don't suceed try, try again.
No body ever said giving up drinking was going to be easy.

Love Barb

Arura

Hi Lollypop, Im sorry to hear your unde so much pressure, With your mum n dad.It must be really hard.

You looking after them in that way,is you being a good person.So dont you beat yourself up over 1 slip.You are aware of what alchol can do to you.which you are addressing on a daily basis.

Keep Going.......



Hugs...x

Erin

Morning
It must be REALLY hard to be around alcoholic when you've quit so you are pretty courageous for living around it and with your family.

I have relapsed a few times since I attempted to quit drinking back in January. I'm on Day 12 now. I think for some people you need to relapse to realize it's sooooo easy to take just one drink.

Take it easy on yourself. I can totally relate to how you're feeling right now.

aloneagainor

Hi Lollipop,
I've been following your posts since the day you joined, and right from the start you've been smothered under the heavy burden of family and your home situation. That you willingly care for your parents as you do is testimony to your incredible patience and strength. Yet, in that, you need to work extra hard to always remember to take care of yourself, caretakers are often overshadowed by, and overworked by, those they are caring for, and it's too easy to slide beneath the radar and not take care of yourself as a result. So by no means should you be angry with yourself, rather, consider this as a LEARNING experience in which you gain important knowledge about yourself, and what you need to do to not go that way again next time. Every experience should be so considered, so nothing in life goes to waste. Only if you chose to ignore it and return to drinking would this be a negative in the long term.

In light of what you now know about yourself, what are you going to do next time such pressure and subsequent temptation befalls you?

c'est la vie

It's great that you're looking at this with a positive attitude. Be careful not to fall into the trap though since your body has gotten it's alocoholic power juice. It may try really hard these next few days to convince you that you need more, more, more.

Good on you for posting here and clearing your head of the trouble.

Luckyv2

(((((Liss)))))

I am sorry that I have missed this, OH My you have no idea why you drank! I do because we are alcoholics and addicts that is why. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. All we get is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. You are NOT a bad person, we are sick people trying to get well. This doesn't happen over night and it probably won't even happen in our life time. I would say no to being angry at yourself but as most of us know if we are in the category of relapse then we know that we are angry at ourselves. Just try to let it go, take care of you and yes all we have is today.

Love Vic

Lollipop

Thanks All!!!!!!

I really appreciate the support! I just lost it on my Dad in front of my brother and sister - in - law. I came into the room and of course, someone he rarely sees, Dad had to get his smarta$$ comments in about my drinking. Of course, as soon as I walked in, the convo. shifted to eating disorders and my sis-in-law said something about having a hard time putting down the cookies and Dads reply was, "Well, I dont think you can be addicted to cookies like SOME are alcohol!!" (a swipe at me of course) I politely said..."Oh YES you can because cookies are food and food addiction is an illness just like alcoholism!" He says "well OK then DOCTOR!" So I reply, No, Im not a doctor I am an ADDICT! and putting down the cookies is sometimes harder then putting down the beer because you HAVE to eat to survive, you DONT have to drink to survive!" He actually said to me.... "I DO!!" I lost it!!!! I said BS, no you dont and that is called denial to think so.....So do NOT sit here in MY home and talk about what an alcoholic I am while you sit there drinking and smoking day in and day out, doing NOTHING to help yourself!!!! You are nothing but a F*****G hypocryt!!!!!!!! And I stormed off, I am so pissed off right now, I will NOT apoligize to any of them. I meant every single word, I need to work off some energy, going to the garden....with a DIET COKE!!! LOL
Liss

c'est la vie

holy schmoley girl. You go get em!!!

Keep your wits about you. You'll certainly need all the wits you can gather to deal with that attitude in your dad. Hopefully something will make a dent, though and you will be proud that you brought about the change.

Stay with us and let out all the frustration here. Just don't pick up again. (It'll only feed your dad's fire)

mywifeisatpeace

hey lollipop. people stumble every once in a while. look at it thi way you had one bad day... but you had thirty five good days. the law of averages are in your favor. no one is perfect. we can just try our best. take care my friend.

Arura

Many Hugs Lollipop, i hope your feeling a little better, after getting it off your chest...!

Just be easy on yourself honi, your doing soo well.


...x

Lollipop

Thanks All!! I feel better now! AND still sober
Love Liss

mertyl

Lollipop, i am really proud of you for speaking your mind. Its great. No one needs to be told what they are, or how they are feeling or what they are doing wrong. We are all human and you are a lot more patient then me. I definetely would have told my dad where to stick it. Perhaps that anger needed to come out and i give you lots of credit for standing up for yourself.

hang in there, mertyl