grinchygirl

Hey there. I'm totally new here and not sure how much or how little to share. But I felt I had to say something. I finally realized I had a problem last Friday when my husband had me taken to the ER - because I actually started to harm myself. We've only been married 7 months and I feel like I've ruined his life. I've had depression for years and have been on medication to treat it but it feels like all of a sudden one day last summer it stopped working. And I have no clue why. And all of a sudden I started drinking to feel happy or to have fun in a group setting. And then over the months it became 1/5th of whisky every 2-3 days and ended with me slicing my arm. It didn't help matters that my husband and I had been fighting over another addiction - my smoking. He hates it, I lied, told him I quit (for literally the 12th time), he found a pack and all hell broke loose.

So I haven't had a drink or a smoke in 49 hours and I have to say I feel pretty good. What makes me feel like this will never work is having to face the reality that my marriage is on the rocks, my family and my husbands family now know everything that's going on and I feel horrible. I feel like I took all these people for a ride that they were never supposed to be on. And I don't know how to get past that. How will they ever look at me the same?

After I came home from the hospital I was very angry at him for taking me there. And then something just clicked and I went - whoa did this really just happen? Did I really just get taken by ambulence to the hospital because[B] I cut myself? And all of a sudden I realized that I hid a bottle of whisky from my husband not because he was trying to control me but because I had a serious problem - and I was hurting him. Has that ever happened to anyone - just all of a sudden everything makes sense and you just know that you can't do this anymore?

CarolD

Hello and Welcome to SR!..

Wow! cutting yourself is a huge scare
I am glad you went to the ER!
Drinking can cause so many disasters.

For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...

"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"

they are carried by Amazon

Keep posting and read our shares..we do understand.

Smyle

I too did that about 5 months into my marraige..I was using really heavily and had an affair then when I got caught I just decided I was done with life...

My brother found me by a stroke of luck...took me to the hosp and I was commited for 2 months....

My husband and I made it through with LOTS of help and are still together, I see an addiction specialist and had ALOT of aftercare to deal with the true demons I was fighting, that was 10 yrs ago and I still struggle but I am slowly redeming myself and my hubby and I are solid !!!
Hang in there...get the help you need and thank god your hubby was there to help you ...welcome to SR ...were are here for you ....
~B

grinchygirl

Smyle - That gives me so much hope to hear that the two of you stayed together...we started seeing someone Wed. and I'm seeing an addicition psychiatrist tomorrow. I feel like just maybe it will all work out...

Thanks

2dayzmuse

Welcome to SR. Recognizing that you have a problem and being willing to do something about it is the first step in getting better. If you are open and honest about getting better, your marriage stands a good chance of repair. Secrets destroy lives. Once the secrets are revealed and dealt with, life can go move forward.

Smyle

I am glad to hear you are seeing someone and soon at that ....It will get better and just stick with it....it is easy to think that all is well so you stop working on it....good luck and stay strong...oh congrats on 49 hrs...that is a huge first step.

NYCGirl

Hi Grinchygirl, I am new here to, Made it to day 8, I was hiding booze from mine too. I'd even refill the bottles, I think he knew, I'm not ready to ask yet.
You came to a good place everyone here is very supportive and ther is a ton of different views, I like that, but I guess it could get confusing.

Luckyv2

(((((Grinchygirl)))))

First I would like to welcome you to SR and really glad that you have found our little family here I think right now you could use a big big bear to let you know that we all know where you are right now! What is more important than that, is the journey that you now have available to you. My name is Vic and I am an addict (alcohol is a drug). The program of NA/AA gives us all an opportunity to change our lives around. There are other programs also, but AA has been a proven method for 71 years this month. Most of them more hopeless and helpless than the opportunities that we have.

I have been in recovery for 4 1/2 years. I haven't stayed clean, yes I have relapsed. But with each relapse I have learned something more about Vic. Now relapse isn't a requirement! I do not regret the past, for my past will help others to relate, to see the similarities. So I will keep you in my thoughts, I go to at least one meeting a day, work the steps, try to the best of my ability to live the principals in all of my affairs, I have a sponsor that I talk to daily. They say if you want what we have, you have to do what we did. Today I like what I am getting so I will keep doing what I am doing! If you don't like what you're getting, keep doing what you're doing and you will keep getting what you're getting.

Love Vic

cgdc1269

First of all, welcome to the boards. I'm somewhat new here myself, but I like what I've seen so far.

That's a natural reaction, but be careful of that feeling. It can be dangerous. You have not ruined his life, nor are you ruining his life. It is a terrible situation to be in (this is coming from the other half of that equation - I dealt with a very similar situation a few years ago with my wife, and I am still dealing with her alcohol dependence on, at least, a weekly basis), but it is as much his choice to stay with you and go through the pain as it is your choice (in fact, I believe to a certain extent that it's more of a choice for him, as he is not the one with the disease - I may be wrong about that, but that's the way it feels to me).

Good luck with your recovery, and I truly hope that you find the help you need. Although my wife has not yet found her answers, I still hope and pray for others in my situation, so that they, and their significant others, may find the answers they seek.

c'est la vie

So stop the ride. You've recognized that you have a problem so you are at a turning point that many people miss when they're slipping down the slope of addiction. You can get help and turn your life around. This can only serve to strengthen your marriage rather than hurt it, because you will no longer be the lying, manipulative, angry person that you were becoming.

Don't worry about what your family or his family thinks. You have no control over their thoughts. If you DO SOMETHING TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE then your actions will speak much louder than any explanation you could possibly give them. And of course you don't want them to look at you the same!! You want them to look at the NEW YOU!!

I hope that you can find the strength inside yourself to do what you know you need to do.

Kickit

Hi grincygirl, quite new myself, now on day 25 - longest in over 10 years that i have not drunk. I also have shame and guilt feelings about lying to my partner, and that I behaved very badly to some of his family on my last drunk - they no longer talk to me. Now this was terrible, but it was the final straw for me, I finally accepted that I CANNOT control this and have to stop.

My partner chose to stay with me, that's what your hubby has done - he sees the wonderful you that is there, thats why. My disaster also made us talk properly about my drinking, and other things, for the 1st time. I felt (still do from time to time) like leaving hijm once I knew he was sticking by me - LOL!! Why? Because I don't want to have this disharmony in the family - what will happen at celebrations etc etc, still feel guily. However, I know we will get through it, and am concentrating on me- anything that disturbs your sobriety should be avoiuded for now.

I too suffer from depression, a life long problem with low self esteem. I understand self harm well, I have drank, tried suicide, made myself throw up, eaten and eaten and eaten, and shopped and shopped to an massive debt, still struggling with the eating and the shopping, I haven';t bee as honest about my shopping with my partner (he knows some), but I will beat this.

Getting help is a really positive step. Ask your doctor about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, it works for depression and low self esteem fantasically- but you do have to work hard at it, for life to some extent. Just starting myself. There is a big push in the UK because of its success the government are looking at funding more therapists to help folk like us. (If you choose AA at all I have been told that it fits in with the 12 step programme.)

Take care, keep coming back. There are loads of people with good advice here - much more experienced than I. Keep moving forward.

Arura

My boyfreind, also hates me drinking....the gulit is awfull.
Hopefully that will change abit now as its been getting between us
This is the first non co dependant relationsip ive ever had.!
weve been togther 2yrs,without him i would not be were im today
which is opiate free....
Good Luck with Everything...!

Lollipop

Welcome Grinchy!!!

Congrats on your 49 hours!! There is so much REAL support here!!!! Please stick around and keep us updated!!!!
Liss

kali ma

Hi. I'm new here too. I'm on day 7. I'm glad that you realized that you had a problem, and glad that your husband was there to help you. I guess I can't give you much advise now, but there are many wonderful people here who can. I also snuck shots, swigs, martinis, especially before bed, before we went out... I wish you the best.