lostinnocence

G'day,

Introducing myself from the other side of the world here. My 13 year old son has gotten me onto this site in his bid to help me with my addiction. Yes he knows and is learning more and more each day that his mum has a drug addiction. Dont get me wrong, Im not at all proud that my young son knows that his mum has a crystal meth addiction, **** I wish he never had to know or see what I am going through, but low and behold he was already seeing the affects of this addiction and I had no idea. I thought I hid it well when I was "on" but apparently he knew. Im so ashamed of myself for putting the 1 person in this world who I would do anthing for, in this position to help me with my addiction.
Last Thursday morning (9th June 2006) I smoked 2g's of crystal meth in about 3 hours then got the guilts. My boyfriend knows I smoke but HATES it with a passion, he's seen others go down the gurgler and knew I would too if I didnt do something about it NOW! So, as I said I got a touch of the guilts and text messaged my boyfriend that I didnt want him to contact me anymore (I do that to the one's I love when I'm in trouble, push them away I mean. Its my way of coping hahahha I dont want them to see me suffer) and this is where it all started. He obviously was very shocked with my announcement and wanted to know "wat de ****" was going on. Apparently Im very good with the way I hold my drugs and he had no idea I had been on the last few days. This isnt the first time Ive tryed to quit the meth, but its the first time Ive come clean, to everyone I mean. That includes my parents, my son, my brothers and my friends. I have let my friends know that I will be taking time out and wont be seeing them for a bit. All my friends (just about anyway) are crystal meth users.
So this is my story...
I hope that this forum can help me when the hours seem darker than the last in my quest to quit the meth.

So Hi everyone Im Lostinnocence

Smyle

welcome and I hope we can help in some way...

Anna

Welcome to SR!

You have come clean and made a choice to stop using meth and I know you'll find lots of support and inspiration here.

Keep posting!

Arura

Welcome to SR. my 14 yr old knows that i was on drugs ,well still am in away..the Guilt is huge.

Good Luck and keep on posting .....

Luckyv2

Welcome to SR and we are glad that you have found us. There is a lot of ESH here, I too am a Meth user, coke, WDYG (What do you got ), just pull up a chair and join in this family. Hope to see you on the boards.

Love Vic

lostinnocence

Thank you all.

I intend to use this forum like a new drug and friend, in my attempt to clean myself up so I can live the life I nolonger wish to escape.

nogard

hi lostinnocence,

Welcome to SR Its a great place and helped save my life over a year ago. I am from Australia too there are a few of us here. There is loads of info and support here some as has been said get comfy and strap yourself in for the ride.

Love Kevin

Done_With_It

Hey there,

Crystal was my doc too. It's a tough one..... But you can do this, you really really can......
I will have 8 months clean tomorow.....

If atm you start to feel like you can't do it, do it for your son.

He needs his mum.

Is your son getting some help too, this has got to be so hard on him...

lostinnocence

Thanks D-W-I,

Yeah this is hard on my boy and I wished he never had to know about this letterown go through it. I suppose 4 me the guilt is as hard to deal with as the addiction its self, but Im told the guilt will get me through this as much as the loving support that I recieve.
The thing im finding hard at the moment is the inability to stop myself from crying ALL the time. I dont know if its cuz I am riddled with guilt that keeps these tears flowing or the fact that I feel so damd sorry for myself. If I take time to think about it, its my son that I SHOULD be feeling most sorry for. He will be getting counselling over this too, he's a strong kid and has been through his own share of **** in his short life but having to deal with his mum's mood swings and knowlege of her addiction has to be too much for a kid.
Im also finding the inability to think, you know, valid thoughts, together somthing of a mission at the moment. The thoughts, any, all, thoughts that go through my tini screwed-up brain at the moment wont be still enough for me to grasp any of them long enough for me to actually think about them. IT'S SO BLOODY FRUSTRATING!
Anyway, I suppose I am only on day 5/6 of my recovery so I shoundnt expect to move mountains with my mind hey? I can still make myself a cuppa tea, so I shouldnt complain hehheh.


I WISH US ALL WELL

Done_With_It

Hey,

I pm'ed you earlier. Feel free to pm me anytime.

The tears.......... Those are normal....... I think anyone who has quit
meth, is overwhelmed with crying, and if your like me, You don't cry,
so I was blown away and didn't know what to do.

I came here every single day and posted........ It got me through and still does.......

The guilt, try and let it go, going with all the guilt right now is going to lead you back to using.........

Just let what happens...... Happen...... You have the choice right now to change your life, and change your sons life....... Don't wait till he's 18 and his youth is gone and you've missed it all.

Do it now........ For you and for him.....

It's hard, I have so much empathy for you right now, I really do...
But I know you can do it also.

Hope

You are never alone. There is tons of support and understanding here. You are among people who know what you are going through. Stick around and keep on reaching out!

Dreamz

Hi everyone - I have been off meth since March, not by choice, because it became unavailable to me. I know life is better not on it but I've been having lots of trouble lately and I know if I could find it somewhere I would start up again. Things in my life have gotten worse not better since getting off it. I really want to get over this feeling of craving it everyday, and I thought after 4 months I would but I just can't do it. I'm sorry if I sound selfish - please can someone give me some advice? Will this feelingever go because I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to turn it down - I guess because I stopped not by choice but I was forced to. THank you everyone!

Lollipop

Hiyas Lost and Dreamz..........Big Welcomes to SR!!

Lost,
You CAN do this, first though, learn to let go of the guilt, it will only comsume you! Instead of focusing on it, try focusing only on today and not using. As for your son, Im glad he will be getting counciling, this is a wonderful thing, I too have a 13 year old son and trust me.......they are soooo much smarter and resiliant then we will ever realize!!! Congrats on your new path, Congrats to both you and your son on working together to bring Mum back!!! Keep posting and checking the boards, the support is unbelieveable here!!!!


Dreamz....
Congrats on your sobriety from the meth, thats great even if not by choice!!!! You stated that you know your better off NOT using, keep that in mind!!!! Start a journal, write down your thoughts and dreams or whatever strikes you at the moment but just remember, you have come so far already, to go back to using will only drag you back down and soon you will be regretting starting again. Everything happens for a reason, obviously, you were meant to stop. Take things one day at a time, find meetings to go to if that is your thing, post here, whatever it takes but take it from a former crackhead........trust me, going back is just NOT worth it. Stay strong and welcome to SR!!!!!

to you both
Liss

Dreamz

I know you're right...and everything is fine now because I know I have no way of getting it - sometimes I just want it - just to forget about big decision and the stresses of life, and I'm glad I'm not in a position to get any...I guess I'm just hoping the cravings will eventually go - do you know how long it'll take? I know everyones differnet but its hard living day by day like this!!! But thank you for what you said. It helps talking to someone about this kinda thing, don't you think?