please_be_it

Hi everyone, I have been reading over this forum for the last couple nights (instead of drinking) and decided that, I too, need some support.

Today is day 8 for me and I'm just so fearful that I'm getting back to that inevitable point where I'm starting to forget just how bad things were the last time and once again stupidly trying to convince myself that I don't really need to stop. Atleast this is day 8, that usually happens on day 2-4.

It just seems so strange that I can go on a drinking bout and wake up from it shamfully wondering what I did/who I hurt/feeling sick and depressed and like my I've ruined my whole world, vowing that that was the last time that it'll never happen again, only to start feeling a little better shortly after and somehow totally forget all the misery that I had just put myself through and do it over and over and over a thousand times. Why can't I just get it through my head??? This boggles me and drives me crazy.

I know I have a problem, I know I need to stop, logically I can see this as clear as day. But then, even as I write that, there's that little voice inside that truly doesn't beleive it 100% deep down. How can I finally beleive in the voice of truth and stop beleiving the lies?

In some ways too, I think that maybe I'm just too scared to fully admit this to myself, because when I admit it, it means I really have to stop. I can't imagine my life without alcohol. In some ways I feel like I've been betrayed by my "best friend". It was always supposed to be there for me and now it's turned on me like this and I just can't beleive it. I just keep trying to prove to myself that it's still a friend, but without fail, it hurts me every time, and progressively worse.

It's always only ever supposed to be a couple and then I wake up a day or 2 later wondering what hell happened.

I hope this is it, I just find it hard to beleive myself anymore since I've thought "this is it" a thousand times.

Sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get that out and find some support.

Thanks.

CarolD

Gee I can so relate!!!
I was once you...

Welcome!

I finally quit when I discovered
My favorite book on alcoholism
"Under The Influence"
and it has a sequel..."Beyond The Influence"

Both can be ordered from Amazon...

Glad to see a new member...we do understand and you are not alone.

Blessings...

janeeyre

Please_be_it,

I'm really glad you've posted here--this place was an absolute godsend for me. You'll surely find the support you need to face up to alcohol's hold on you.

I know how tough it is, and I can relate to what you write. That feeling of shame and guilt is just awful. Let me tell you, though, it is SUCH a relief to be done with it! I got sick and tired of my entire life being dictated by a silly bottle of liquid. What freedom it is to live without it!

It does feel like losing a "friend" when you leave the alcohol behind--but booze is a false friend. I always felt like wine was the one true thing I could count on, but it came back and bit me in the butt. When it stole my memory and my good sense, making me act like a fool--that was it. Enough.

It can be a rough road, but with the support you'll receive here (and maybe even some face-to-face help where you live) you CAN be free of alcohol's hold on you! Keep reading around the boards here and see what's happened in other people's lives.

One book that really hit home for me and sent me searching for answers was "Drinking--A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. If you like to read, this is excellent.

Please stick around here! Let everyone know how you're doing, OK?

Best wishes,
Jane

Anna

Welcome and you'll find lots of support here.

I know how overwhelming the shame and guilt can be. I used to be in a horrible cycle, feeling so horrible at what I'd done, that I'd go out and do it again. But, you can get off the merry-go-round!

Congratulations on Day 8!

FriendInNeed

Hi there Please-be-it,
I'm so pleased you have managed 8 days sober, well done. Thats a huge milestone. I just wanted to say welcome and congratulations on the start of ur new life alcohol free. It must be daunting, and i can understand that ur worried that you will go back again....but everytime u think like that will give u a bigger chance of failing. Try your best NOT to think about it, if u find urself thinking about how worried u are u will go back, get up and do something, post here, pick up the phone and call a friend...anything except think about it. The more u think about it the more chance ur brain has got in persuading you that you will fail this time aswell. Stay strong! I'll be thinking about you.

daddysgirl29

Hey PBI, and welcome!! We've all walked in your shoes. I don't have much more to add than what's already been said (and I agree w/ the books that were suggested - they're all great, and they give you something to do other than drink!), but if you really want to change, it can be done. It takes work, but it's SO worth it and the empowerment you get from being sober is worth more than any high.

Good luck and I hope to see more of you!
-DG

earlybird

Eight days is awesome. Good for you. Now its time to build up some muscle to fall back on when things get tough, or when that urge strikes. The way to do that is AA meetings or SmartRecovery or some other type of recovery group. And,...I know, I know,......we ALL said at first,..."I dunno about going to meetings...." or "I dont know about sitting down and talking about my problems with total strangers". You are feeling exactly the way we all felt at your point. You have a rarely taken opportunity here to not go through the "I dont think AA or Smart is for me..." only to end up going there when you realize you should have. You can skip over all that by getting out and doing it now. Good luck

aloneagainor

I hear what you're saying about being betrayed by your best friend. Only with me, I thought I was the one doing the betraying, the drugs are just waiting for me to come back, calling to me in its enticing siren-song voice, playing on ALL my guilts and fears and insecurities and desires. Listening to this, I've become CONVINCED that we hear and think and believe whatever we choose to, and can back up that conviction with compelling "evidence" that we're right in it. You'll keep using until you consciously decide to do otherwise. And so long as you keep rolling this over inside the confines of your own mind chances are slim you'll hear what you NEED to hear so to begin to think otherwise. Addiction is a disease of perception. Get clear perspective on what you're doing and why by allowing OUTSIDE input to enter in. As one who has been playing the "I dunno about going to meetings...." or "I don't know about sitting down and talking about my problems with total strangers" (((earlybird))) game, I can say that all you're doing is stalling when you do that. When I do that. Yep, there's a meeting set to begin in an hour and I need to move along now if I'm going to make it. "This is it" can be IT if you (we) so choose.