nocoke

I'm not really new to this recovery stuff. Just amazes me how many times I can slip back even after being at a point in my life when I say and truly mean never again from the bottom of my heart. I haven't even lost much yet but my hope kinda. Guess I'm getting sick of the struggle. Things get good and I start feeling a bit convident. I think i'm at a point in my life where I need to admit that this is who I really am. It's depressing and I'm thinking of just giving up. It's just starting and I know cause I've been here soooo many times I couldn't even count. Things aren't really so bad and I bet I could fix them but for how long and why??? Blah Blah Blue!!!

Luckyv2

((((nocoke)))))

Don't give up, I just made a post earlier today that said I'm not Giving up. WE can do this deal, I promise you that. I have caused a lot of things so many times also, but we must look at the good we can and do do. You said things aren't really so bad. So just don't use today. Remember the saying "You can't save your face and your ass at the same time" Well right now my friend we need to save your ass. It won't do anything but take you right back to hell if you pick up...If you need to talk I am here. I am sending good thoughts your way.

Vic

nocoke

Thanks Vic, I'm always reading up on your situation. What your saying makes sense to me, it really does. Just sick of going back and forth. The last time i felt so strong. Moved, dropped my friends and started over. It never works. Look at me, trying to hide the marks on my arms so noone finds out that I'm a junkie. Maybe just a slip but who am I kidding? I'm 29 and it always comes back to this. The stress the cravings. Can't even figure out who the f' I really am.

Hope

Please don't give up. You and your life are precious. I know how hard the struggle is and I can relate to your post almost word for word because I have also slipped many times. It is very painful and it does get worse. This is very progressive as I have found out from my own experience.

We are here for you!

northbelle

Just hang in there for TODAY...None of us know what recovery is going to bring down the road. We only have to do this day we have now..and chances are pretty fair ..if we stay clean...things WILL get better..if you got high today chances are pretty fair they will get worse!!! Do something FOR your recovery..take one small step to do something ..write in a journal..say a prayer..write another post...call someone in recovery and ask them how THEY are..if you don't know anyone..call the NA hotline and ask for a number..or AA or whatever A you want..it doesn't matter!! eat something really sweet ...read something positve...google positive affirmations....write them down and put them on the fridge..
And know that we are here with you...I feel kinda depressed too so I think I am going to go try one of these things...!!LOL

love northbelle

Luckyv2

MY FRIEND!!! I am a junkie too in my 40's (psst don't tell the young ladies that), I am on day 2 here my friend and I am here to tell you that you don't have to go through another 10 plus years of hell like I have had to do. WE never have to use again. I am here for you and so are many others. Give yourself a break man OK>>>Cravings suck yes, but it isn't the hell of acitve addiction now is it? YOU already know who you are! YOU"RE an junkie just like me trying to recover.

Love ya bro

Vic

nocoke

But I don't think recovery is an obtion anymore. Hurt and pain and the past is always here. The reality is I am who I am and this who i've always been. Everyone knows that. I am sick of kidding myself!!!

Live

Can you just hang in there right now? For the next few minutes? Maybe read around and be reminded of where you have been, who you are and what is possible?

nocoke

Possible if my dealer doesn't call back. But honestly I don't care. it's not even about having fun anymore, don't care if i get caught. You know what I mean?

nogard

hi nocoke,

Hang in there, if its good it passes, if its bad it passes, it all passes. Do you have a program? You can recovery with help from others, particular those with some sober clean time up, surround yourself with them.

Kevin

Hope

The outcomes of addiction are jails, institutions, death, or recovery. Recovery is there as a choice, all you have to do is choose it. YOU, too, can recover. Please believe that. Don't write off your life....you have so much to offer the world, other people, and yourself. Recovery will give you a new hope for life. There will still be some pain because that just comes with life but that is nothing compared to the pain of using...it is true hell out there in the midst of addiction. There is a path with the light on and all you have to do is throw down the shovel and make that choice to head in the better direction.

Luckyv2

My friend, one thing that even I have to live by, is as long as there is breath, then there is HOPE. I have to believe that even here at day 2, if I die tonight, then I have accomplished what I have set out to do. I want to die clean and sober, that is truly my only wish. If my HP takes me tonight then I have won, hell if we stay clean and sober any day then we have won! The pain of the past and the hurt, yes it will always be there, but we need to look at it, not only that but to share that. YOU could be having a part of your past that is painful, HURTFUL, we share what we have ESH, to let other people, new people to relate, to say yes that is ME> Then they get hope.

Here is a little bit of mine for you OK

It was valentines day. I had 10 months 15 days clean, the lady that was in the program had about 9 months clean. We went out for dinner, and had a really good time. When we got done with that, somewhere in the conversation, we talked that we both tried to connect on the same day. That was really weird stuff. Anyway, when that conversation came about, I said well I did score but I didn't use. I have held this 1/2 eight-ball in my kitchen cupboard for two weeks. Right away she wanted to see it. Well when she seen it she said lets go. I didn't know where? To get a tire gauge to make a pipe. (CRACK)

So we went and I said "I am not going to use, I am telling you that now." We got back to my place and I sat there and watched her get high for about 1/2 hour. She looked at me and said "Vic, you're making me nervous." I said that I could go into the other room, and she said NO it wasn't that, she didn't like to get high alone. she asked me to get high with her my friend. NOW I sat there for almost 10 min, then I said give me the pipe. I think that all of this is on my other thread also http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...=89696&page=16 anyway I made light of the drug CRACK. Then one day I was chasing it, using lemonade, vinegar, whatever to melt it down and shot in my veins. Hell then I like the high from smoking it. I guess is what I am saying is that, Am I kidding myself? Well maybe I am, but at least I am trying to kid myself clean. YOU have a choice also. YOU might not think that you do right now, but for right now there really is only two things that WE must do

1. Don't use no matter what
2. Go to a meeting everyday

If we do those two things, then in time and not even a year from now things will be better than you could imagine. Here NOCOKE take my hand we will walk through it together.

Vic

Luckyv2

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I was busy repling to your other post please take time to read it ok....

nogard

Its all about not using for Today, Just for Today.

Kevin

Luckyv2

Just hang in there OK

northbelle

I undersnd how you feel. The no caring part..Sounds like you are kind of stuck in that cycle. Can you tell us whats going on in your life right now. You don't have anything to loose by putting it out there?? I really want to be there for you right now. No matter WHAT. You HAVE to get rid of this dealer. Cutting them out completely ! Please stay here with us !!! What about yout baby????? I care so much about you..we have become friends and I feel helpless and scared for you!!! You and the little man are in my prayers..

northbelle

BSPGirl

Aw, I hope you feel better soon. I think if you weigh all the pro's and con's of staying clean or continueing using you know deep inside which decision is the wisest.

northbelle

Had to post again to you nocoke, I thought maybe I sounded self righteous or something in that last post. I feel the same way sometime and that self confidence you spoke of CAN be a our downfall...I am sorry you are having a hard time girl. I know how much you have been through. Wjen you are ready just make a DECISION to get clean again. We can't live in both worlds..Wanting to be clean but knowing we can't becasue that dope has got a hold on you and you know you will get more. That is just the disease and it can be stopped.When we are living in addiction I believe we DON"T have a choice..the disease makes it for you, It makes al kinds of ****** decisions for us..you are not a bad person..you are a very loving woman and you deserve to be free of this S***.

love norhtbelle