This is a looonnnggg post - but it's an honest one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 4
This is a looonnnggg post - but it's an honest one
Hi All,
I am looking for advice. Please bear with me as this post is lengthy.
I started dating my True Love (we'll call him JS) in October of 2004. At the time, we were both into the "party" lifestyle. He moved in with me about 2 weeks later. Although he was on parole at that time and all the way up through the end of 2005/beginning of 2006 (after which, he began probationary status to be completed after an additional 5 years), he seemed to have no fear that his PO would send him back to prison, perhaps because JS (and admittedly, I, on a handful of occasions) knew that said PO allowed him to "slide" on quite a few of his urine drug tests. JS has a great attitude and a magnetic personality and EVERYONE loves him. So, even when his PO had already given JS an unreasonable amount of leeway, JS's employer stuck up for JS and persuaded Mr. PO to allow that much more unacceptable behavior.
Meanwhile, JS and I didn't really care as long as he had a job and was not in jail. Finally, JS's PO had to take alternative action; he sent JS to a 28-day rehab facility 1 hr and 45 minutes from home in August of 2005. The day after JS left for rehab, I discovered that I was pregnant. Within a few weeks, I miscarried (maybe from the stress of him being away, maybe not). I was devastated - after having already had 2 abortions during my lifetime, I was totally unwilling to have any more; and still, that particular pregnancy didn't want to come to completion and I suffered alone. Of course, at the time, I didn't realize how very short 28 days truly is. Please note: I had stopped using narcotics about 2 weeks before JS went to rehab and I stopped drinking alcohol the day the pregnancy test showed positive. Beyond that, I had almost completely disposed of my cigarette habit when I became certain that I was no longer supporting a fetus.
Thus, JS was completely removed from all of the initial joy of discovering we would be parents as well as from the agonizing suffering (my miscarriage was painful and drawn out - there was no sudden bloodletting until later when I just passed enormous clots) and heartbreaking finality of no child at all. Naturally, he came home from rehab slightly stressed about the miscarriage (although, not really since he was not exposed to it), but absorbed MY experience as his own as an excuse to resume using. I, too, eventually succumbed to using.
Things became very fragile between us as I felt him pulling away from the relationship and using more frequently. Ever since he had come home from rehab, (by the way, he still had a job with the same employer) he was supposed to have been going to outpatient rehab counseling sessions that his boss drove him to out of a lack of trust that he'd get there on his own. Then, a few days before Thanksgiving, JS and I were informed that his mother and stepfather were getting separated. He fell apart and started using even more (although I had quit completely) and began missing work and not coming home at night because he was hanging out all night with his buddies partying. Just before Christmas, he got fired. His PO found out and demanded that he resume his counseling sessions (which he had begun to blow off) as well as attend AA meetings (where he was required to get a signature as confirmation). From there he spiraled downward: no motivation, no drive, no cares, no respect for me or himself - nothing.
Finally, in the beginning of February 2006, his PO left us a note on the door that JS was expected to report there the following Monday. JS went (thankfully), and was immediately carted off to prison. He was there for 6 months, and was just released last week to a halfway house. He did not seem to be completely serious about sobriety until he got to the halfway house, but now he is almost "brainwashed" (for lack of a better term). He is spewing the lingo (something I am familiar with from an old alcoholic friend who speaks the same "language") and is in this incredibly selfish mode where he says things to me like, "Honey, I am not really worried right now about whether you and I ultimately work out; I just need to worry about being sober today" and "I just don't know if I will want to come home and live there; I may decide to live up here, but right now, it's all about today".
Now don't get me wrong, I am totally in support of his staying sober and I have enough control over myself that if I never drank again, I'd be fine. However, it seems as though these guys and girls get jaded while they are in recovery. Does JS not see that life goes on around his sobriety? That no matter where he goes after the halfway house, there will always be some level of "thinking about the future" involved? I mean, as adults, we have to pay bills and hold down a job, etc, etc, etc....
At this point, my only bad habit is smoking cigarettes. So sobriety will not be an issue for him back here at home. However, when he was still in prison, we had talked about moving away to start over and we were both really excited about the Providence, Rhode Island area. But now it seems as though his only concern is staying sheltered by other addicts and the whole "group effect". Granted, he has only been in the halfway house for a week, but apparently, as my life goes on, his stands still. Moreover, it seems as though he won't even commit to putting any effort back into this relationship for another 11 weeks (when he gets out).
I love him more than anything else in my life (just short of my own well-being), and he still claims to love me. Also, because I have a very intense maternal instinct, I have made a vow to myself and to him (even though lately, it doesn't seem to mean as much as it once did) that I will do everything in my power to help and support him. He just turned 30 and so will I in 2 months and thus far, we have both agreed that we want to start a family with each other, but I am now terrified that I will have waited for 9 months for him to decide that he "can't" be with me.
My big question is this: What can I expect at the end of all this?
I am looking for advice. Please bear with me as this post is lengthy.
I started dating my True Love (we'll call him JS) in October of 2004. At the time, we were both into the "party" lifestyle. He moved in with me about 2 weeks later. Although he was on parole at that time and all the way up through the end of 2005/beginning of 2006 (after which, he began probationary status to be completed after an additional 5 years), he seemed to have no fear that his PO would send him back to prison, perhaps because JS (and admittedly, I, on a handful of occasions) knew that said PO allowed him to "slide" on quite a few of his urine drug tests. JS has a great attitude and a magnetic personality and EVERYONE loves him. So, even when his PO had already given JS an unreasonable amount of leeway, JS's employer stuck up for JS and persuaded Mr. PO to allow that much more unacceptable behavior.
Meanwhile, JS and I didn't really care as long as he had a job and was not in jail. Finally, JS's PO had to take alternative action; he sent JS to a 28-day rehab facility 1 hr and 45 minutes from home in August of 2005. The day after JS left for rehab, I discovered that I was pregnant. Within a few weeks, I miscarried (maybe from the stress of him being away, maybe not). I was devastated - after having already had 2 abortions during my lifetime, I was totally unwilling to have any more; and still, that particular pregnancy didn't want to come to completion and I suffered alone. Of course, at the time, I didn't realize how very short 28 days truly is. Please note: I had stopped using narcotics about 2 weeks before JS went to rehab and I stopped drinking alcohol the day the pregnancy test showed positive. Beyond that, I had almost completely disposed of my cigarette habit when I became certain that I was no longer supporting a fetus.
Thus, JS was completely removed from all of the initial joy of discovering we would be parents as well as from the agonizing suffering (my miscarriage was painful and drawn out - there was no sudden bloodletting until later when I just passed enormous clots) and heartbreaking finality of no child at all. Naturally, he came home from rehab slightly stressed about the miscarriage (although, not really since he was not exposed to it), but absorbed MY experience as his own as an excuse to resume using. I, too, eventually succumbed to using.
Things became very fragile between us as I felt him pulling away from the relationship and using more frequently. Ever since he had come home from rehab, (by the way, he still had a job with the same employer) he was supposed to have been going to outpatient rehab counseling sessions that his boss drove him to out of a lack of trust that he'd get there on his own. Then, a few days before Thanksgiving, JS and I were informed that his mother and stepfather were getting separated. He fell apart and started using even more (although I had quit completely) and began missing work and not coming home at night because he was hanging out all night with his buddies partying. Just before Christmas, he got fired. His PO found out and demanded that he resume his counseling sessions (which he had begun to blow off) as well as attend AA meetings (where he was required to get a signature as confirmation). From there he spiraled downward: no motivation, no drive, no cares, no respect for me or himself - nothing.
Finally, in the beginning of February 2006, his PO left us a note on the door that JS was expected to report there the following Monday. JS went (thankfully), and was immediately carted off to prison. He was there for 6 months, and was just released last week to a halfway house. He did not seem to be completely serious about sobriety until he got to the halfway house, but now he is almost "brainwashed" (for lack of a better term). He is spewing the lingo (something I am familiar with from an old alcoholic friend who speaks the same "language") and is in this incredibly selfish mode where he says things to me like, "Honey, I am not really worried right now about whether you and I ultimately work out; I just need to worry about being sober today" and "I just don't know if I will want to come home and live there; I may decide to live up here, but right now, it's all about today".
Now don't get me wrong, I am totally in support of his staying sober and I have enough control over myself that if I never drank again, I'd be fine. However, it seems as though these guys and girls get jaded while they are in recovery. Does JS not see that life goes on around his sobriety? That no matter where he goes after the halfway house, there will always be some level of "thinking about the future" involved? I mean, as adults, we have to pay bills and hold down a job, etc, etc, etc....
At this point, my only bad habit is smoking cigarettes. So sobriety will not be an issue for him back here at home. However, when he was still in prison, we had talked about moving away to start over and we were both really excited about the Providence, Rhode Island area. But now it seems as though his only concern is staying sheltered by other addicts and the whole "group effect". Granted, he has only been in the halfway house for a week, but apparently, as my life goes on, his stands still. Moreover, it seems as though he won't even commit to putting any effort back into this relationship for another 11 weeks (when he gets out).
I love him more than anything else in my life (just short of my own well-being), and he still claims to love me. Also, because I have a very intense maternal instinct, I have made a vow to myself and to him (even though lately, it doesn't seem to mean as much as it once did) that I will do everything in my power to help and support him. He just turned 30 and so will I in 2 months and thus far, we have both agreed that we want to start a family with each other, but I am now terrified that I will have waited for 9 months for him to decide that he "can't" be with me.
My big question is this: What can I expect at the end of all this?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR! 
It's a big mess for sure and I am sorry for the situation.
Take a look around in the Family and Friends section.
Read the top sticky post there for a start
Then perhaps you can find the answer..
Keep in touch...you are not alone.
It's a big mess for sure and I am sorry for the situation.
Take a look around in the Family and Friends section.
Read the top sticky post there for a start
Then perhaps you can find the answer..
My big question is this: What can I expect at the end of all this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 4
Let me rephrase something...
I just reread my earlier post and I saw that I had written that "as my life goes on, his just stands still." I am retracting that - his life is in no way "standing still". He is very committed to his recovery and that is fantastic in every sense of the word. However, it feels like he has already forgotten what it is like to have any other responsibilities.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
Wow I cannot even begin to offer insight into your situation. You have my empathy and support. Definitely check the family forums and perhaps the alanon forums or ACOA forums.
Peace, Levi
Peace, Levi
My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 338
[libra], although it's difficult, I'll have to suggest, based on what you've shared, that you try to give the guy a chance. Go to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon to find out how to detach with love. Love the person, hate the disease. Because of your own addictions, take care of yourself and your disease first. The total length of your relationship is less than two years. Twenty years from now, that will seem pretty short, no matter what happens. Keep things in perspective. That's hard to do in the midst of this tornado!
Keep your head on straight. Pray a lot, you've got a lot to pray about.
Keep your head on straight. Pray a lot, you've got a lot to pray about.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: road to recovery
Posts: 1,689
Hmmm. Sounds like you guys have been through the ringer--all in a short time, all in the early stages of a relationship.
I can't answer your question "what can I expect at the end of all this?" In my humble opinion, I don't think there is an end. Relationships, life, marriages, are all continuous journeys with no set end point (unless you count death).
Here's what I can share from my experience: Having been married for 13 years and going through many crises (death and illness of elderly parents, infertility, parenthood, new jobs, life-threatening health crises, new houses, alcoholism, infidelity, you name it), I pretty much expect that the only constant will be my commitment to my marriage and my family. All of these other events have ridden in unexpectedly and cycled around me. There's been a lot that I've wanted to control, but simply couldn't. All I could do was hold on, express my love, and try to maintain open communication. And it isn't ending. There's something new every day.
You sound committed to love and life with this guy. That you can control. It's a lot. Let him know.
He's living in a bubble at the halfway house. He will need to reintegrate into the "real" world and things will change a bit. His program and support group might be influencing some of the things he's telling you. And that's okay. It's kinda expected. He does have to focus on himself and his sobriety. Fine. Just let him know that you feel excluded. How can you help? Can he talk to you about it? Let him know how proud you are of him and that you love him. He needs to know that you are there for him whenever he is ready. Let him slay his own demons and be there to help him if he asks.
On the other hand, he needs to know that you are feeling and that you are going through your own grief--for the baby you lost, and for the relationship and day-to-day companionship that he provided. Talk with him. Be open, don't judge, and be honest. If he needs time, so be it. You love him, you'll be there when he's ready. Try to keep the lines of communication open between you on a continual basis. In the meantime, focus on yourself and your needs. No matter what the future holds, you will always have yourself. You've proven to yourself that you have tremendous strength. You've made it so far and you've committed to a clean life. Start a hobby. Start exercising. Reconnect with friends and family. Do something for you and you alone.
There is a lot of wisdom on these boards and many people with much more to offer than me. Keep coming back!
The book, "Each Day a New Beginning" by Karen Casey, has short daily meditations. Today's was all about being will-less. I'll attach it below. It is geared to the alcoholic, but it pertains to just about any situation. As I read your post, I immediately thought about this meditation.
...[The] recovery program helps each of us find relief from our primary addiction once we humble ourselves, accept our powerlessness and ask for help. It can help us equally effectively, every day, with any problem we are willfully trying to control. Is a family member causing us grief? Is a co-worker causing anxiety? Has a close friend pulled away? We expend so much energy trying to manage outcomes! In most cases, our attempt to control will invite even more resistance.
The program offers the way out of any frustrating situation. We can be mindful of our powerlessness and cherish the opportunities offered by our higher power. We can turn over whatever our problem is to God [however you define him/her] and quietly, trustingly anticipate the resolution...
I can't answer your question "what can I expect at the end of all this?" In my humble opinion, I don't think there is an end. Relationships, life, marriages, are all continuous journeys with no set end point (unless you count death).
Here's what I can share from my experience: Having been married for 13 years and going through many crises (death and illness of elderly parents, infertility, parenthood, new jobs, life-threatening health crises, new houses, alcoholism, infidelity, you name it), I pretty much expect that the only constant will be my commitment to my marriage and my family. All of these other events have ridden in unexpectedly and cycled around me. There's been a lot that I've wanted to control, but simply couldn't. All I could do was hold on, express my love, and try to maintain open communication. And it isn't ending. There's something new every day.
You sound committed to love and life with this guy. That you can control. It's a lot. Let him know.
He's living in a bubble at the halfway house. He will need to reintegrate into the "real" world and things will change a bit. His program and support group might be influencing some of the things he's telling you. And that's okay. It's kinda expected. He does have to focus on himself and his sobriety. Fine. Just let him know that you feel excluded. How can you help? Can he talk to you about it? Let him know how proud you are of him and that you love him. He needs to know that you are there for him whenever he is ready. Let him slay his own demons and be there to help him if he asks.
On the other hand, he needs to know that you are feeling and that you are going through your own grief--for the baby you lost, and for the relationship and day-to-day companionship that he provided. Talk with him. Be open, don't judge, and be honest. If he needs time, so be it. You love him, you'll be there when he's ready. Try to keep the lines of communication open between you on a continual basis. In the meantime, focus on yourself and your needs. No matter what the future holds, you will always have yourself. You've proven to yourself that you have tremendous strength. You've made it so far and you've committed to a clean life. Start a hobby. Start exercising. Reconnect with friends and family. Do something for you and you alone.
There is a lot of wisdom on these boards and many people with much more to offer than me. Keep coming back!
___________________________
The book, "Each Day a New Beginning" by Karen Casey, has short daily meditations. Today's was all about being will-less. I'll attach it below. It is geared to the alcoholic, but it pertains to just about any situation. As I read your post, I immediately thought about this meditation.
How much easier I will find life's experiences if I will let go of my willful ways. The right outcome in all cases will more quickly surface.
...[The] recovery program helps each of us find relief from our primary addiction once we humble ourselves, accept our powerlessness and ask for help. It can help us equally effectively, every day, with any problem we are willfully trying to control. Is a family member causing us grief? Is a co-worker causing anxiety? Has a close friend pulled away? We expend so much energy trying to manage outcomes! In most cases, our attempt to control will invite even more resistance.
The program offers the way out of any frustrating situation. We can be mindful of our powerlessness and cherish the opportunities offered by our higher power. We can turn over whatever our problem is to God [however you define him/her] and quietly, trustingly anticipate the resolution...
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
My big question is this: What can I expect at the end of all this?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Hi and Welcome,
You've been through a lot and I hope you are able to find some peace. Just as your boyfriend is putting himself and his sobriety first, I the best thing for you is to put yourself first. Take care of you. You have no control over the outcome of your relationship and things are in turmoil right now. Early sobriety is a time of much growing and change. While, I understand your hope that things will work out with your boyfriend, I think you need to shift your focus back to yourself.
I wish you well and I hope you keep posting.
You've been through a lot and I hope you are able to find some peace. Just as your boyfriend is putting himself and his sobriety first, I the best thing for you is to put yourself first. Take care of you. You have no control over the outcome of your relationship and things are in turmoil right now. Early sobriety is a time of much growing and change. While, I understand your hope that things will work out with your boyfriend, I think you need to shift your focus back to yourself.
I wish you well and I hope you keep posting.
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