igfan

the other day i felt good, felt like i was finally getting it, but here i am today struggling......i don't know why i give in so easily. Last night i went to my womans meeting, my sponsor was supposed to bring me material to start my 2nd step, but she "forgot"......that kind of pissed me off, shouldn't have but it did. I think that bothered me the most was i was standing around after the meeting waiting to speak w/her and i just felt out of place once again. I felt like i was intruding, and after 15 minutes of waiting she realizes what i'm waiting for and says "i forgot". So, i guess i have a resentment........and that just started my stinking thinking of "what can i drink", "how can i hide it", "where can i hide it", "maybe i'll just order some xanax". Didn't act on any of those feelings....until this morning. I ordered more xanax online after not getting a quick enough response from my sponsor....i'll show her attitude, but in all reality i know she could care less what the hell i do, so the only person i'm hurting is myself...i know this, but right now that's the attraction. I have tried to cancel the order, but i'm unsure if it will actually get cancelled or not....i'm praying it will. I just needed to get this out in the open because right now i know i've ****** up and i know where this will lead me, but i don't seem to care. I just don't know how to be happy about being happy....does that make sense?

Clark

Hey, we've all been there--just keep doing your best. Maybe you should get several "temporary" sponsors to start out; and just eliminate the one(s) that don't work out.

I would certainly talk to your (present) sponsor about how you feel about this--see what she says--don't be too proud to admit you were hurt/angry. But take responsibility for your own emotions. That is, say "I felt angry because of what happened last night" not "you really made me angry last night". Bring it out into the open--secret resentments cause relapses.

Kasia9752

Yes it does; as I heard a woman say in the first Woman's group I ever attended, "I am so used to being miserable; I don't know what happy is! It scares me when I feel happy"

Well I am usually so super serious in person that the relief I get out of laughter at myself for my seriousness helps me to understand "happy" better.

Kasia

Steve58

Hey, IG,

Sorry about what happened, but try to remember, you are doing this for you, Dont let others actions be a trigger, excuse, or whatever.

I hope you hang in there!

S

tantricblaze

I don't mean to intrude, but doesn't this really belong on the AA board?

--Scott

Kasia9752

Hmmm I could have sworn it was as a "newcomer"

Kasia

Luckyv2

Well Igfan I don't know, I sure would have been pissed off also....It is ok to get or to be angry, but we need to let it go as soon as possible because when we hold on to them as you mentioned you will get a resentment and that "I'll SHOW you attitude" OMG when I seen that, you just reminded me of me. I don't have a lot of clean time but I have been clean more than using the last 4 years. I know what your saying, just remember that you don't have to use even if the perscription hasn't been cancelled. I don't have much to offer you but I just want to let you know that YOU'RE in my thoughts.

Love Vic

Justme57

(((((((((( Iggy))))))))

Hi there Ig, sorry you are going though this again. Take heart! you have dealt with it before, use the toolds you used last time which were sucessful.

talk to your Sponser, just as you have here, thats what " growing " is all about ! Tell her you were hurt, and why, also pray for her for 2 weeks LOL it does actually work.

You can do it Ig, you have proved that, so i wisj you well my friend

keep posting

And just in case the order is NOT cancelled, chuck em down the loo

HUGX
lee

Justme57

Scott," newcomers" is for ALL newcomers

Lee

aloneagainor

Wow, we addicts certainly do live inside our own heads, twisting and contorting anything and everything to the way we want to see it so to justify our use. Not until we ALLOW outside perspective to infiltrate our otherwise impervious addicted brains can anything begin to change. I'm learning that I can't trust my own best thinking to guide me (merry-go-rounds go round and round in endless circles!) and if there's going to be any hope for recovery in this disease of perception, it's going to have to begin with WILLINGNESS to allow other, clearer, clearly healthier, perspectives in. Maybe you'd do well to find a sponsor you can trust.

igfan

Thanks Vic. I've been following your threads a little, to tell you the truth i'm kinda envious of you. Everyone seems to really care about you, wants to know how you're doing, is concerned when you're not posting, gives you all kinds of encouragement when you slip up, gives you all kinds of encouragement when you're doing well. What do i get, some guy that thinks my post doesn't belong on the newcomers board - WTF is that all about? I've only been clean for a little under 60 days, so i'd say that qualifies me as a newcomer, cause i sure as hell don't have a handle on it yet. Oh well, another resentment - LOL

I hope you're doing well Vic, you give me hope.

BigSis

Hi Igfan...

Don't have anything wise I can say to you other than share my experience on message boards like this one. At every board on which I've ever posted, there are folks who have been online longer than others, and become somewhat more well-known. They aren't better, or lesser... just more well known. Also, there are folks online (and everywhere) who make themeselves vulnerable and others reach out to them. They are no more or less deserving than those more stoic persons who don't share as much or as deeply.

I don't really understand the dynamic, but I do know that to feel "less than" others is part of what makes me more alike to other alcoholic and addicts. Hell, that was the primary thing alcohol did for me - it took that 'less than' feeling away... for a short while.

I hope today is a good one for you Igfan... ((((hugs))))

daddysgirl29

Hey Igfan! It's been awhile - how are you today? Don't ever give up on yourself, k?!? I HAVE seen you make progress, even if it's just a little - since you first came here! Ya gotta start somewhere, right? Give yourself a hug from me.

-DG

ASH

Hi Igfan,
You have made a huge positive step to even identify what is causing you resentments and to then be able to write about it here and I am glad you got so many positive thoughtfull responses. You know, that really helps us all learn how to deal with our own resentments.
Gald you hanging with it

Justme57

Hows it going for you Iggy? Please post and let us know you are OK . Did you speak with your Sponser yet ?

HUGX
Lee

igfan

I'm hangin in there Lee. I sent an email to my sponsor this morning telling her how i felt and what i did. That was a while ago, i haven't heard anything back from her. I'm hoping she's just busy......

I'm trying to get a definite answer on whether my order has been cancelled or not so i can either relax and move on, or make a plan for when it shows up. I'm thinking i dodged a bullet cause my credit card has not been billed and it would have been by now.

Justme57

I hope that the credit card thing is an indication that all is well, Iggy

I am sure that your sponser is busy, they get like that LOL. You know, when I was newly sober, and i had trouble getting hold of my Sponser, I used to think that SHE would be calling HER Sponser, who would be calling HER, Sponser, who would.......................... all because of little old me ! LOL. it makes me laugh now, but it used to keep me amused way back then LOL

Take care

HUGX
Lee

igfan

well, i did finally hear back from her.....apparently she had replied to my email and then left her office and when she got back she had a bunch of emails sitting in her outbox. It's that damn "everything is about me" thinking that keeps getting me in trouble. She totally understood how i felt, she wasn't pissed that i ordered xanax, she said the fact that i cancelled the order shows i've made progress because it was about 60 days ago that she poured my last prescription down a sewer drain. I think i'll be ok now.

Justme57

YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaY! Thats great Ig, I am so happy for you

HUGX
Lee