Life part 3
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Life part 3
From "no way can I do this" to "this WILL be done", back and forth, in the same breath! At least it appears the hesitancy to move is weakening, I'm not so strangled by my own regressive thinking, for in exposing it to other minds the motive to move forward is strengthening...
Today is the beginning of life part 3. Part 1 I was my parent's daughter, under my father's surname. Part 2 I was my husband's wife, assumed his surname. Part 3 I'm independent of them all. My given first and middle names are the whole of my named identity. I reclaim this name, and this person, for myself. No longer do I have to hide who I am for fear of not meeting expectations/ demands, they have no power over me. I belong to no-one. It is my sincere hope that in this process of rediscovery of self I'll have so much more to give, of all that energy and time and mind that has for a lifetime in parts 1 and 2 has been invested in compliance and hiding, in secrets and secretive drug use. Almost to the day, half a lifetime ago, I started actively using drugs. So tired of hiding. Curious now what life part 3 will bring. Admittedly I'm feeling about as helpless as a newborn here.
Today is the beginning of life part 3. Part 1 I was my parent's daughter, under my father's surname. Part 2 I was my husband's wife, assumed his surname. Part 3 I'm independent of them all. My given first and middle names are the whole of my named identity. I reclaim this name, and this person, for myself. No longer do I have to hide who I am for fear of not meeting expectations/ demands, they have no power over me. I belong to no-one. It is my sincere hope that in this process of rediscovery of self I'll have so much more to give, of all that energy and time and mind that has for a lifetime in parts 1 and 2 has been invested in compliance and hiding, in secrets and secretive drug use. Almost to the day, half a lifetime ago, I started actively using drugs. So tired of hiding. Curious now what life part 3 will bring. Admittedly I'm feeling about as helpless as a newborn here.
Living and Loving.
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Saratoga, California
Posts: 475
Aloneagainor,
I am really happy you are taking your life back. I dunno what your whole story is but it sounds like you are doing things that are good for you. That's awesome!
I felt and still feel like a newborn at times... unsure and sometimes fear of the unknown can weigh upon my mind. But living without addiction is sooooo much better than living with it. Leaps and bounds better!
Congratulations!
Suga
I am really happy you are taking your life back. I dunno what your whole story is but it sounds like you are doing things that are good for you. That's awesome!
I felt and still feel like a newborn at times... unsure and sometimes fear of the unknown can weigh upon my mind. But living without addiction is sooooo much better than living with it. Leaps and bounds better!
Congratulations!
Suga
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
Originally Posted by aloneagainor
Today is the beginning of life part 3. Part 1 I was my parent's daughter, under my father's surname. Part 2 I was my husband's wife, assumed his surname. Part 3 I'm independent of them all. My given first and middle names are the whole of my named identity. I reclaim this name, and this person, for myself. No longer do I have to hide who I am for fear of not meeting expectations/ demands, they have no power over me. I belong to no-one. It is my sincere hope that in this process of rediscovery of self I'll have so much more to give, of all that energy and time and mind that has for a lifetime in parts 1 and 2 has been invested in compliance and hiding, in secrets and secretive drug use. Almost to the day, half a lifetime ago, I started actively using drugs. So tired of hiding. Curious now what life part 3 will bring. Admittedly I'm feeling about as helpless as a newborn here.
Love Vic
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
identity
This isn't about changing my name to change my identity, it's about being REAL, true to who I am. I am not being at all honest or truthful in continuing on with this dual life I lead, displaying the pretty white dog to the world while feeding the voracious black dog in secret. I so admire you Sugasnaps for coming to terms with yourself and doing what you needed to do in and for yourself to be well. Encouragement! I admire Vic for his open honesty in this ongoing struggle he's battling. In my life I've not managed to do either, still hiding, still deceiving.
Dropping my husband's name speaks volumes, it's a deliberate move outside that mind-control trap in which I'm stuck. Stuck because I've been unwilling to stop hiding, unwilling to admit to the truth, that I am a drug addict, who cannot keep on living this way. God knows I've tried to keep the drug-addict half of me a well-guarded secret. I thought that's the only way I could survive. Instead it's destroying me, eating me alive. Before it consumes me entirely I'm claiming my name as my own and crawling out of this trap, regardless of what I stand to lose in the process. At least then I'll have a chance of getting my mind back.
Dropping my husband's name speaks volumes, it's a deliberate move outside that mind-control trap in which I'm stuck. Stuck because I've been unwilling to stop hiding, unwilling to admit to the truth, that I am a drug addict, who cannot keep on living this way. God knows I've tried to keep the drug-addict half of me a well-guarded secret. I thought that's the only way I could survive. Instead it's destroying me, eating me alive. Before it consumes me entirely I'm claiming my name as my own and crawling out of this trap, regardless of what I stand to lose in the process. At least then I'll have a chance of getting my mind back.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: The Big Woods
Posts: 521
Changes
Alright. On the drive in to work today an obscure song by an obscure band came around, titled "Changes" by Snowglobe. The opening stanza goes:
"So you've gone and changed your name again
And you've lost all your friends
I don't recognize the skin you're in
and the clouds obscure your brain..."
Driving through open country this morning,
fog so dense it was like driving in a cloud.
And then on the ascent uphill suddenly the fog would lift and vision became so clear, the sun shone bright, brilliant blue skies overhead, just beyond the low level fog. Then, back into the fog again. Back and forth.
Nature and music, my other, healthier obsessions, speak to me at least as loud as the drugs. I'm going to listen to them more, get outside my own dense head, and try to rise above this drug obsession. Thank you all PROFOUNDLY for listening, for giving me some sense of clarity. I'll keep reading, and responding to the observations of others, but ENOUGH about me now. I listen more, quack less.
"So you've gone and changed your name again
And you've lost all your friends
I don't recognize the skin you're in
and the clouds obscure your brain..."
Driving through open country this morning,
fog so dense it was like driving in a cloud.
And then on the ascent uphill suddenly the fog would lift and vision became so clear, the sun shone bright, brilliant blue skies overhead, just beyond the low level fog. Then, back into the fog again. Back and forth.
Nature and music, my other, healthier obsessions, speak to me at least as loud as the drugs. I'm going to listen to them more, get outside my own dense head, and try to rise above this drug obsession. Thank you all PROFOUNDLY for listening, for giving me some sense of clarity. I'll keep reading, and responding to the observations of others, but ENOUGH about me now. I listen more, quack less.
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