Change4life

I had 20 clean days and now I havent had a drink in 38 days but I am cracking up again big time. $300 a day and cant stop, I finally took a minute to think about what the hell I am doing and coming here was all I could think of. I miss you all, and I am in a lot of trouble physically and mentally. I lost so much weight my bones are sticking out. I look absolutely disgusting and I feel disgusting as well. I really dont have much to say I guess I just needed to write that down so maybe it will sink in that I am dying slowly and I need to wake up. If i dont have a heart attack or overdose I will probably end up dying of starvation.

frosti

If you've been around here before you know that trying to use only one drug or trying to only use socially isn't going to work. If you've lost that much weight you need to take step 1 a little more seriously or this disease that we share will kill you. Stop using, call the local hotline or your sponser if you have one, arrange to see a doctor and get with the program. You only have to stay clean for the moment at first, and then for an hour, and the hours will turn into days soon enough. But you need to stop now and don't be afraid to ask your HP for help, HE's real and he can hear you. I will include you in my prayers tonight, good luck and GOD bless.

Change4life

I am very aware that using only one drug is not acceptable or going to work. I fell back into the hell hole knowing where it was going, and now I just have no control. The disease is not going to kill me, at this point it IS killing me. I didnt mean for this to happen I was doing fairly well and I am not sure what possessed me to go so far backwards. Instead of hitting the gas in drive and going forward I hit reverse and floored the pedal. My addicted half is not letting me seek help, it has become a duracell battery that keeps going and going.

Time2Surrender

bfree, I am glad you are still posting. Crack was my drug of choice. I know how hard it can be. I wanted recovery and I wanted to be clean for many years. I kept going back out over and over. I was in and out of AA and NA. Something was always missing. I wasnt ready to completly surrender. Evenually I got to a point in my life where I wanted recovery more than the dope. I was willing to do whatever it took to stay clean. Thats when I reached a turning point in my life. I made a decision I was finally done. At 8 months clean, my life is much different today. I remember my last time I used. How I felt. Probably about the way you are feeling now. I made a vow to myself I would never forget the way I felt that morning when the last rock was gone. The hopelessness, the shame, the guilt. How bad I looked and felt. I know for a fact I can never use again. NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know what will happen. I will eventually get to that place again. I dont wanna be there again. My sobriety means everything to me. It comes before everyone and everything. At 8 months clean, I still attend MNA meetings pretty much on a daily basis. I have a sponsor. I work the steps through the NA step guide. A big part of my day is all about recovery and NA. I work very hard not just to stay clean, but also to recover. I come to meetings early and set-up chairs. I am secretary at another meeting giving out key tags and hugs. I give people rides to meetings. I read the basic text. I read the daily meditations and I spend time with myself. I come to SoberRecovery and do what I am doing now. I pray for the knowedge of God's will for me and the power to carry it out. One day at a time I do not get high no matter what. When the going gets tough I call my NA friends. I cannot do this alone. And I dont have to. I have God and I also have my NA family. And I also have the people here at SR. For 8 months this has kept me off crack. At one time, I was convinced I was a hopeless case. Wow, was I ever wrong.I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there. You can do this.

hopealwayz

You can put a stop to this. Just because you fell doesn't mean that you are doomed to stay down. You can get right back up and give this another go.
Are you willing to check out meetings?

I will say a prayer for you. You can get your life back . You deserve so much more than to be destroyed by this evil addiction.
I hope that you see the light.

(((Beth)))

Change4life

Time 2 surrender the rocks never run out and I dont feel guilt. I dont even feel bad or sick, but I know I am dying quickly and I am scaird because I still cant stop myself. I have been addicted to many drugs in the course of my life, but I never ever got to this point of complete disintegration. If I stood sideways noone would be able to see me, and I still want more. I am vey very scaird because I just cant get a grip. I really think I am severe trouble. I almost wish something bad would happen so I would be forced to stop. I am losing my apartment in March and cant work or pay any bills and I still keep going I am not sure what to do. I know I need meetings and a lot more and yet I cant put the glass and the lighter down. Every finger on both hands are burnt and as I sit here writting this I am waiting for my dealer to call. I am living in complete insanity. I am afraid I will not be able to stop until it is to late. Knowing all this in a few minutes or hours here I go again. I cant believe I am going to end up as nothing more than a statistic.

na4today

I have been thinking about you! I'm glad you're back. You can beat this. Go to meetings and if you can, check out going to treatment. And come here more often, we are always here. You have my email if you ever want to talk.

HUGS, kathy

angelgirl

Please Beth,,

We don't have that many opportunities.. You still have one. Please,,, just go check into a rehab, don't worry about money, school, your apartment, your bills, or ANY OTHER EXCUSE you can use to keep you from checking in.

I knwo that addict that wants you to keep using. But I also knwo that little tiny voice that is screaming for you to run as fast as you can to the nearest hospital and check in. Because there is that little part of you that does not want to die. you do not want to die. Do NOT let that addict part, kill the rest of you. Don't let the addicted Beth, kill the Beth that once was, the one that had a life, that once smiled, loved, that cared about her future, that signed up for college,.

Don't be a statistic. You don't have to be. Get on the phone and call a local help line, a crisis line, a NA hotline,, 911 !!!! They will help you Beth, even without $$.. You can take care of that later,. There are even places you can go for free. I sent you that one place you could go for free. Nothing matters anymore, but your life. GIVEUP the drug sweetie.. You are worth it, your life is worth it,, you are worth living. You are a good person. WE WANT YOU TO LIVE!!!

There are people that are willing to help. Let them Beth. Do not die. Do not let the drug take your life. there are websites, that are memorials, just dedicated to people that have lost their life to crack.. Don't become one of them..

We care very much about you..

Please, give help a chance..

Love,
Becky

Jersey Nonny

I don't know anything about crack addiction...but, listen to the ones above in this thread who do!!!

What I do know is that you still have the will to live...or you wouldn't have come here pouring your heart out. They say the instinct to survive is extremely strong in all of us...listen to that part of you...GET HELP, AND QUICKLY!

I'm adding my prayers here that you have put down the drug and picked up the phone to get help. God be with you!

splendra

((((bfree)))

Prayers going out for you. I believe in you.

Luckyv2

((((((((((Bfree4U))))))))))

Yep I am so glad that you are back and just like your screen name says bfree4U. I have been thinking a lot about you hope that you were OK. I remember those days of being nothing but bones. I remember fitting into a size 5 womens pants I don't want to go back there. I am sending good thoughts your way....Call me if you need to..

Love Vic

In memory of miracle

((( Bfree )))

Satan's drug...I know. You have it in you to put it down. Your in my prayers.HP will make a way for you.
Bless, Trish

Change4life

hello everyone! i know it isnt much but I made it through yesterday without using. I also gagged some food down which was quite a task, but I did it. Still clean today. Somehow I knew if I wrote down what was going on it would be helpful to me in realizing where I was going with this addiction. Today was the first time in awhile that I didnt want to touch the stuff. I slept over 30 hours and I am still exhausted. I guess I really need some rest, and to take it easy. I will finally listen and seek some professional help I just need to make some arrangements for someone to care for my cat. I will keep coming back here and keep you updated. As alot of you know I have been going through this revolving door for quite sometime and i guess it is finally time to stop it. as much as I slept I still need to sleep more I just cant keep my eyes open. I will take a nap and hopefully I will make it through today claen also. As usual I must thank you all for your never ending support. Much love to all of you.

Love you all,
Beth

PATIENCE_0706

Bfree One Day Is Something
Please Do What Ever You Have To, To Get Clean. I Found Out A Friend Of Mine Died Today I Cant Bare The Thought Of Losing Anymore People To This Diease. I Smoked Crack For 2 Years Been Off That Since 8/02. But Spent Since 99 On Oxycontin And Any Other Pill I Could Get. I Died On 10/18 And Thenm Got Clean Not All Of Us Are Lucky Enough To Get Another Chance

In memory of miracle

I am happy to hear it...

((( Patience ))) Welcome, glad your here.

Time2Surrender

Trust me. You are no different than I was. I was completly strung out. 140lbs. I am 190 now. I was killing myself. I thought for sure I would die. It doesnt have to be this way. Congrats on staying clean for one day. I know how big a deal that can be. I hope you make it through today too. I will not give up on you. I believe you can be on of the statistics who beats this drug. Keep fighting.

KelKel

Welcome Home!

You don't have to do this alone...

angelgirl

What do you mean it isn't much?? It's great!~!! Now just get in and get some help..

~Also very cool!!

~I'm praying for you!! Please do it Beth, you will NOT be sorry,, I promise,, you just have to get past the fear of going, and you're on your waty to a new and better life.. You CAN do this.. Just do it!!~

~ Please do!! ~

~ YES!! I did this for a long time. You do finally realize, it's either your life, or the drug, and life is so precious!! So much more important thant the devil's drug!!~

~Your body telling you it has had enough!! Beth, don't put off treatment, the longer you wait, the more chance you have at not going, and that shoudl not be a choice you allow yourself. Allow only for your life,, and that means treatment. I HAD to have treatment Beth, I had to get away, I needed treatment,, I believe you are just like me,, so go GET IT!! Please..
We'll be waiting to hear when you are going.. Please let us know.

We love you are care about you, and want you to live Beth!!!

Love,
Becky

Little Missy

We're here for ya!! Everyday that we have sober is a miracle, a blessing, a gift!! Just hang in there!!

Hugs,
Missy

Jupiter2

Fantastic on your progress. One day is great. I know how it is.

Hang in there and get lots of sleep and drink lots of water. Try to eat three times a day as well.

You can do this! We are here for you.

Jup.