sceagacros

Well, today is day five-no alchohol of any kind, been to two meetings and going to wednesday night bible study at a church tonite(My old church really , one i had "faded away" from while backsliding/drinking again).Have been reading the "big book" they gave me at first meeting day before yesterday, and am feeling pretty convicted about all the "try not to judge or critisize" statements therein.I'm dealing daily with a still drinking and using Alchoholic/pill-popping wife who unfortunately was the recipient of my last and final act as a drinking alkie when I drunkenly pushed her into a coffee table.Now I get to watch her drink her vodka right in front of me all the while apologizing for "beating" her as she has decided to classify it .I am remorsefull and sick inside over what I did , but find myself constantly arguing over semantics - wich of course makes it look as if I'm trying to either minimize or shirk responsibility for my actions .
I am somewhat at her mercy as I am a stay home dad to two handicapped step-daughters while she is the bread
winner .I really have no friends or family (boy could I relate to the isolation stories in the book)so leaving (if thats what I decide to do - big if...)is not something I could pull off immediately.I'm torn because I DID do something incredibly horrible and unexcusable-and I will feel shame and sickness over that the rest of my life - yet my wife is spinning it a way that physical evidence just doesn't support.I'm a big guy if I smacked my wife in the face over and over -where are the bruises?she has a bruise on the BOTTOM of her foot-I was blacked out so I dont know what the heck I did but I feel she's adding a WHOLE lot of things to what the physical evidence DOES support-that I pushed her and she fell into our coffee table stepping on one of the "curly"scrolled feet of said table.I actually do have a mark on my face as if she possibly slapped me , but like I said have absolutely no memory of the event at all!!!WTF should I do?What should my demeanor/approach be towards her?I WANT TO DO RIGHT!!!Am I silly to argue semantics/details ect?HELP!!!

Phinneas

You're in a tough spot, sceagacros. No doubt about it. Early recovery plus lots of emotionaol chaos to boot.

When I was in my first days of recovery, honestly, all I could do was hang on and focus 100% of my mental, emotional and physical energy to getting and staying sober. This is a selfish program in the sense that recovery HAS to be number one or we will fall back into the disease ourselves. So, my advice is simple, but maybe not easy. Put aside the drama with your wife just for today and do what YOU need to do in and for your recovery. The steps are there to help us untangle the wreckage from our drinking and from real life, but that takes time. In my experience, some things don't get solved right away. That is OK as long as I continue to do what I know is right for me and my recovery AND I consciously make the effort to not participate in other people's drama.

Keep going to those meetings, don't pick up a drink, do the work on you from the inside out and things WILL get better.

Time4Change

You're doing it, Sweetie! You're doing it! Keep going to those meetings, don't drink no matter what, get a sponsor, work your 12 steps, you'll have more friends than you've ever had in your life when you start getting phone numbers at your meetings. You can call your AA family any time, day or night, for any reason at all. You're not alone. You can't work your wife's recovery. But you can show her the changes in yourself as you work your recovery, attend meetings, read your AA book and stay clean. Hopefully someday she'll want what you have. If you're pissed off and need to vent, do it here. Vent away!

Hang in there, sceagacros. Remember, one day at a time. You're doing great! Prayers going out for you.

sherbear5104

First of all, welcome to SR. This place is awesome. Glad to hear that you are going to meetings. That is a great beginning. I'm not real good at relationship advice, so I'll wait for someone else to do that. I know that when I am stressed out, I pray. Even the simple, God: help me to not act like a fool. Have you apologized to your wife? There's not much else yuo can do. It's in the past. As long as you apologize, and mean it, you've done your part. It's her turn to make a decision. I will say a prayer for you.

Sherry

Max Oblivia

I read on one of the posts it was not a good idea to make huge decisions untill after a year of sobriety. I am going to agree with that. From all Ive read this is not an overnight process. You are in a tough spot and tough spots require tough people. Say your sorry ask for forgiveness and try to move on from your pushing incedent. Its not good but it sounds like a wake up call for you. If you let the wake up call motivate you and change you it cant be all bad. Im kinda on a limb on this one cause being blacked out and shoving your wife is bad, but you cant take it back now. Nor do I think that punishing yourself beyond recognition is helpfull. Thankfully you didnt end up in the system in jail. The last time I quit drinking my wife didnt it made it really hard and she would come to bed smelling like booze. She would get violent after drinking and there were times I would have to defend myself. I did not hit here back but protecting yourself can cause bruises. She quit many years ago and that part ended.
Im my humble opinion the best you can do is take care of yourself. A sober you will be at work and winning the bread soon. A sober you will be clear headed enough to handle these tough situations with clarity. A drunk you will be no good to you or your wife. I write these words while looking in the mirror at myself. Because I am you..

FriendofBill

What you did was wrong, and you admit it. Good start.

Your responsiblity is keeping your side of the street clean. Period.


You'll never know exactly what occured, so why semantic it? Dont minimize...violence is violence, doesnt matter if it was a push, shove or punch in the face. Its done.

Do they best you can to make ammends for it....to start, commit to yourself you will never act out violently in any manner, then make sure you dont.

Next, get a sponsor, get yourself working those steps toot sweet, and the 4th step will help you start getting that street cleaner...you will make your way to steps 8 and 9, and with the guidance of your sponsor, you will make more appropriate ammends to her.

Soon, after working the steps, the shame will leave you, gratitude will envelope you.

Sugasnaps

That was a great bit of advice FriendofBill.

sceagacros - like it was said in previous posts... you only have control over your actions and reactions today while you are sober. Stay sober! You are responsible for "your side of the street" not hers. Try not to fall into the trap of pingponging the topic to death. If she harps on it just let her harp and keep repeating that you are on day 5 of a long journey to recovery. If you never take the first step you won't ever reach your destination... you are taking your first steps... just keep hanging on and going forward.

Actions speak louder than words. She will see through your actions how deeply you feel your words. Then she will hopefully get to a place where she feels safe to support you. Though, if she is also a substance abuser like it says... be wary of a co-dependant abuser. They try to suck you back in so they feel better about abusing... it's nicer to abuse with a buddy than by yourself - you somehow feel more okay about it. Least I did when I was boozing it up.

Sending good thoughts your way...

Suga

Done_With_It

I don't know what to say here except let it all go. This is a touchy subject for me and hits close to home. My step dad was physically violent towards my mom. At the time she was drinking heavily, she always has. In my opinion esp. at the time it never would have happened had she not been drinking. I heard her side and I heard his side. I took his side at the time, because I hate her drinking. I know she can be stubborn when she drinks, so I can see what he was saying.

But they were both wrong. Irregardless you pushed her and that shouldn't have happened. If she wants to lie to herself and say it was more, that is now her stuff.

If you continue to take responsibility for your actions that is all you can do.
Just don't ever put yourself into the place of not knowing what you did or didn't do again....

I think it's awesome that you are getting help. I admire you for that. It's a dream for my mom that will never come true..

Sheryl85

I’m not sure that I know any pat answers on this one. All I may have are prayers for all involved and a bunch more questions.

I know that you said you are a stay at home dad and care taker, but can someone else take over for a while and you get to a place of safety? Just for a little while? You can go to all the meetings you want, or to church, or read the literature all you want, but surviving a daily onslaught like that is to say the least a daunting task for someone with long-term sobriety not to mention what it must be like for someone with five days. No one can say with complete certainty that they won’t ever drink again, but are you sure that you can maintain well enough to continue not to drink today in the midst of all that chaos? If you start drinking again, how do you know that the same thing won’t happen again or worse? I worry about your safety and the safety of the children you spoke of. Your wife constitutes a whole different set of safety concerns if you take to the bottle again. Perhaps checking into having someone come in and help out while you take a sabbatical some where…?? Are you close enough to your church members, or is there a social agency that you know of where you could receive some help? I know you said that this is something that couldn’t be pulled off immediately, but perhaps you should start thinking about implementing it soon. The separation might help to give you some time to “regroup” and who knows, it might even serve as a cooling off period between you and the spouse. Perhaps your absence would also help everyone recognize that the interactions of the past have been very, very counterproductive not to mention allowing each family member realize their worth in the family unit and serve to promote the start of positive changes in the relationships with each other.

I have found that for me to use the Serenity Prayer as a tool, in some cases, usually gives me three options. I can accept whatever it is that I can’t change, courage (or internal strength) to change those things I can (which usually means me), and the wisdom to know the difference, which in some cases, is to know when to remove myself from the proximity of that person, place, or thing before I become destructive. And I generally find that my destructive actions are by my thoughts, words, or deeds.

I wish I could be of more help than to give just sympathy, but like I said, I will also keep you in my prayers. Let us know how you are getting along…

requiredfield

I didn't read all of the responses so I apologize if this is redundant.

Please get to an open discussion meeting and raise your hand. I promise the right people will help you. Also, grab an oldtimer. Ask them for help. Ask anyone with a good amount of time to be your temporary sponsor. It doesn't have to be someone who you click with, all you need is someone that has learned how to stay sober. They can help you through everything...

And not matter what, just don't pick up.