wings9919

Greetings to all.
My problem is that i don't know how to help my wife with her drinking problem. She drinks every single night (vodka) and 85% of the time she turns into a monster it's like someone i don't even know. she screams, throws things, insults me and my children. I am really at my wits end, I am not a violent person by nature but the way she is pushing me i think i may do something to her some day. I litterally wait for the moment for her to pass out so i know the abuse has stopped. When she is sober she is the sweetest most caring person in the world, but as soon as the vodka get in her WATCH OUT!! This is killing me inside and i don't know what to do. she keeps telling me that she'll quit but i have been waiting for over 7 years. She is a functioning part of society and during the day one would never know that she carries a monster within her. I just don't know what to do anymore and i neep some help.

kalleigh

WOW! You are in a tough position. I really don't have much advice to give since, I am brand new to recovery. But, I can tell you that 7 years is a long time for you to be waiting. I would say, that it's time to for either you or her to make a major decision. Especially with violent behavior involved. Your children are absorbing all of this. These years are the stepping stones to what they will become, the type of relationship they will choose.. how they will treat or be treated by someone else.

In order for you to help her, she needs to WANT to help herself. Only she can do it, not you or anyone else around her. I feel for you.. and this site is a GREAT step for advice and help.

You might want to consider Al-Anon as well. They will provide you with the support you need... perhaps have her go with you, or introduce her to AA. Maybe if she starts attending, listening to stories that might help her relate to her own. Sit down when she is sober and gently relay all your concerns.. tell her you love her. If she agrees to give a shot, be supportive and gentle. That "monster" that comes out when she is drunk is supressed anger and it will surface after a bit of sobreity as well and she will have to learn to deal with it on life's terms. I would say after seven years.. your whole family should participate in the recovery process.

Not much help, but wanted you to know somebody is out here reading your message and caring!!

Kelly

Jo S

I don't really know what to suggest. It sounds like you are in a difficult position. You need to protect yourself and the kids first and foremost. Sounds to me like she needs some help. Perhaps a push in the right direction? AA maybe? Whatever she will only get better when she wants to get better more than anything else in the world. It is a painful position for her to be in and unfortunate that she hurts those around her at this difficult time. Try talking with her and reasoning BUT DON'T let her push you to the limit like you said. All the best.x

2dayzmuse

It sounds as if you and her need to have a serious talk. You may want to look into attending some Al-Anon meetings. It can help you learn to deal with her actions and your emotions. Good luck. I hope she recognizes she may have a serious problem and the impact it is having on the household.

jbm125

Hi Wings....you can strip the house of booze. You can be sure if she brings booze home that you pour it out. You can have a family meeting when she's sober and have your children speak up about how how Mom's drinking is affecting their lives. When I was actively addicted my kids were afraid to bring friends home cuz ther would never know if they would find Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. Start to document her behavior when she's drunk and confront her with it in this family meeting. She has to be motivated to change. Good luck.
God bless.

JT

I don't agree with the stripping the house of booze. She will get it if she wants it so why waste the money?

I used to live in a household very similar to what you describe and my solution was to walk out the door when it started. The logistics when you have small children may be complicated but believe me...if nothing changes nothing changes. A little preplanning is all you need. I kept keys and money in a safe place...like my pocket...and I could walk out in a moment. I would come back later to a quiet house. As long as you stay in the house and participate it will not stop. And those kids will be affected.

And check out some support for yourself.

Hugs,
JT

wings9919

Thank-you all so much for your kind and incouraging words, It really means alot to me. Sometimes i do want to leave but i am afraid of what might happen to her. let me explain what i'm talking about...
There have been countless times where i have walked in the bedroom after she was passed out only to find a lit ciggerate burning the blanket, and if i leave what will happen if i'm not there to put out the fire? i feel so lost in all of this mess. i also drank everyday even to the point of being hosptilized because at my lowest point i went 28 days without eating and i almost drank myself to death. But i am proud to say that i have been sober for 8 years, and she knew what i went through but she still continues to drink. she hides her vodka but i now where it is, and yes i used to dump it out after she was passed out so that she wouldn't start drinking in the mornings when she didn't have to work. I just don't know what else to do i've tried talking to her about it but she denies having a problem and tells me she can quit, but it hasn't happened yet. And you know the most unfair thing is? she dosen't remember in the morning what she put me through the night before. Again i want to thank-you all so much for your advise and kind words. it's nice to know that someone cares..

MissingMyHalo

Hi Wings,

I was like your wife....
I lost my fiance of 6yrs to this bad habit a few months ago. Oddity of it all, I never drank before we met, and not that it's his fault, but I fell into his habit of drinking nightly. As our relationship deteriorated due to his lack of a job, financial dependance, repossession of his car, his home, and his kids and their kids moving in....

In any case, I let my anger build up, and thought by drinking it would ease the pain, but it only got worse. I too went from being the sweetest person you ever met to some witch I've no clue could exist within me. It was unpredictable, I'd be fine one minute, he'd bring me another drink and it was like a switch went off...all down hill from there. I never remembered either, that was the scary part for me

I have quit, only a few days now, but I'll beat this, because I want to, not because someone told me to, or any thing else. She too has to make a choice, but for you and your family you should seek support to deal with it.

He still drinks daily, but I guess according to his daughter switched from the 'hard stuff' to the potent beer.

In any case, hang in there!

MMH

nutz

I sorry that you are going through that.
I live with an alcoholic....Doctor Jeckle & Mrs Hyde.
She's a social worker....so what !!!
An alcoholic social worker
A funtional alocoholic...those be the worst kind or in deep do.. do
or de....denile.

A very, very violent drunk.
Hell....she slashed my tires not too long ago and didn't even remember it.
That's just the tip of the ice burg. Trust me I have war stories
after war stories..and battle scars too.
I met her in recovery and had never witness her as a drunk
until.........

Past 3-4 years had been a living hell for me.
I relapsed (had 11 years) for two weeks.
But that only made thinks worst for me.

It was very, very draining in every way then one can imagine.
I know what you mean.
Then I found myself cuaght up in the co-dependency game.
I LOST MYSELF, becuase I cared or love her.
It didn't matter.

The emotional hang overs or drainage from all the chaos took
everything out of me. It suck !!!!! she gets drunk, numb,
don't feel a damn think....I watch our life go down the drain.
She didn't care.....wil....l you know, INSANITY
There's not a damn thing you can say to her.
If it made any differents....it would had made a differents a long time ago.

Relationship?...... what %#@@$ relationship ???
Seperations after seperations.
heartache after heartache.
chaos after chaos.
suicide treats after suicide treats

it dosen't matter what i did or didn't do for her.
I though her having 6 years clean and sober would made a differents
or helped. It didn't matter.
That's the heart breaking truth or part...I speak from experience.

Yeah I love her from the bottom of my heart.
I can worry what's going to happen to her,
Becuase as violent as she gets....will how about finding her passed out
in her car. Or the cops telling me to call them if i need any help.
(take her to jail)
They look at me like they feel sorry for me.lol
that's after I have to through the song and dance stima
of male are the violent offenders. And they've been over
serval occations already and finally cuaght on.
Hell.... they even advice me to leave her becuase she was
draging me down with her....but hell no, did i listen ??

She filed a retrainding order against me..the damn judge didn't
any allow me to speak a word..becuase he's probably a drunk too.lol
Of couse me all emotionally wacked.
I let her move in with me after she kicked me out of my home.
....mmm she got evicted, something about a drunk being ir-responsible.


I'm still try to recover from it.
Seek help and support for yourself.

I can't tell you what to do and I'm sorry there are children involve.

I can work on my own insanity.

earlybird

You cant "push" her in the right direction. Throwing out booze is only going to send a drunk out in a car seeking more booze. Al-anon does sound like a good idea in the interim. But,...you may have to seperate from her if she refuses to seek help. Ive said this before,......we alcoholics need consequences for our actions in order to view it as a problem. If we are called an alcoholic by someone,..we think about it for a second and say to ourselves,...."Well,..I still have a house, car, job, and a family that hasnt left me,...Im not an alcoholic,...they dont know what they're talking about" As long as you "put up" with it,...she will think that she can continue as business as usual with no downsided consequences. Once negative consequences begin happening is when we drunks start looking at ourselves a little deeper.

The summary?? .....No consequences = no problem....

Pick-a-name

Hi: Your story sounds very familiar

Best advice I can give you is to join the rest of us in the same boat at Family and Friends Forum (here is a link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...splay.php?f=24)

Full of friendly, knowledgable people who have been there,too..........lots of great help!

Remember the "3 C's" You didn't CAUSE this, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.......come down and join us at F &F...I'll be looking for you!