countrybumpkin

My wife apparently had enough of my drinking. She took my two children with her,said she can't trust me with them and won't come back until I get some help. I feel like I'm being blackmailed to get help with my children being held hostage. I know I have a problem with alcohol and depression. I self medicate my depression with alcohol. I don't want to get help just because she's holding my feet to the fire. I want to get help because I want it. She says the only way she will come back is if I go to rehab. I don't think that is the answer for my problem. I am willing to go to AA and to a doctor to change my depression medication. I feel angry and resentful at my wife and know she is not very willing to let things go. I don't want to go on in a marriage where my wife will forgive, but will never forget. I guess bottom line is... I want to get help because I want to, not because my wife is forcing me to.

Cathy31

Country
I can understand that you are feeling resentful...it's the one luxury all of us alcoholics love to indulge in!
I think your wife would ALSO have preferred you to have done this first...but you obviously didn't, and well she has run out of patience (as she has every right to)

You have many options here - one is to refuse to do the right thing (rehab - when did rehab ever hurt an addict?) and lose your wife and kids. Simple = oh, and destroy yourself in the process.

Another option is to say - yes I would've liked to put this off forever, but my bluff has been called and you know what, I'd rather be alive than 'right' and I'm just going to do it - surrender...rehab, AA, the lot. How on earth can it hurt me now more than my current situation does.

Try reading some of the family and friends of Alcoholics forum...it's amazing how we alcoholics destroy the ones we love the most - and hardly give their hurt a thought...not talking about you, i'm talking about me and fellow alcoholics I have got to know.

Why don't you show her you're serious by hooking up with AA as a starting point.

You will never regret it.

Good luck and keep us posted.

And welcome to SR!

Cathy31
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countrybumpkin

Cathy31,

Thanks for the feedback. I have a doctors appointment to discuss possible options and I'm looking into times for AA. I'm going grudgingly and feel it will be may not be permanent solution. I really have no desire to completly quit drinking. I'm only doing so to get my wife and kids to come back home. I just really feel if I'm not making the call to quit and am being forced too then it won't stick. Sorry, that's my honest feeling.

tyler

Hey Countrybumpkin, welcome to the SR forums!! This a great post to post thoughts and feelings and get feedback, which is what you were looking for, I guess, so here's some input.

As far as your depression goes, I had/have a problem with that myself. I've tried every medication out there, Paxil, Prozac, Welbutran, Cymbalta, Effexor, and others. The thing was, I insisted on "self medicating" with pot and alcohol. Guess what, those darn antidepressants never seemed to work for me!! Amazingly, when I stopped smoking and drinking, they seem to have kicked in. I'm not trying to be a smartass here, it's just my nature, so please forgive me. As you probably already know, alcohol is a depressant not an anti-depressant. That is why they advise you to not drink while taking antidepressants, in some cases the combination will make your depression worse, not better.

As far as your wife moving out to force your hand goes, I agree with you. You have to do it for you not her. I felt the same way myself. I even went to treatment to try to get her off my back, but I was soon back to it, I tried to smoke and drink on the sly so she wouldn't know, but somehow she always seemed to find out. So we played this little cat and mouse game for awhile, and finally she had enough and asked me to move out. So eventually I got my way, I got to quit when I was ready, but in the process I lost my wife and son. I can still see him, but it is not the same as living with him. I'm not telling you all this to be harsh or an a-hole, just sharing what I went through so maybe you will not choose the same path. You may be stubborn like me and have to learn the hard way, but I hope not. I wish you the best, take care.

Anna

I drank to deal with depression/anxiety too and I understand you feel pushed into a corner. I also agree you will stop drinking only if you want to and you don't want to right now. But, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse. We are here to offer support and encouragement if you decide you want to stop drinking.

Anna

lulu70

Hello there, CB--Laura here, fellow alcoholic with 17 blessed months of sobriety. Now that I am sober, when I hear someone say they don't want to quit, even in the face of losing some of the most important things (people) in their lives, it is easy for me to say I just don't understand it. How soon we forget. I, too, suffered from depression and used it, among other things, as an excuse to drink more and more often. I also got very angry when anyone told me I should quit. No one understands me, I would say, as I grabbed another bottle. I paid my bills, I had a job, I took care of my daughter--I was just blowing off steam. The thing is, deep down I always knew the truth. Alcohol was ruling my life. It was causing me to make choices I never would have made sober, and eventually, it cost me my job. I am VERY lucky I didn't lose more than that.

Alcohol is a poison which NEVER really did anyone any good. Why on earth would you choose alcohol over your family? Never mind. I know why. Because you are probably an alcoholic. I am not saying these things to be cruel. I am saying them because I know--I know where you are in your head and I know how hard this is. I can only hope you will make the right choice before you really regret it.

I'm glad you found us. There are a lot of people here who have been where you are or are going through the same thing right now. We are here to help if you only ask for it.

Hugs--

godsonmyside

Sometimes those around us see the disaster before we do. Do you reaaly thing your wife, mother of your kids is really holding those kids, your kids hostage, or are you having a hard time coming to terms with what you have become. It is up to you with your decision, I don't see any good coming about holding onto a reservation about keeping doing what you are doing.

I had to take a long look at myself and come to terms with me, before the people that refused to put up with me the way that I was living, would consider coming back into my life. I came down to, it wasn't my wifes fault that she could not live with me and my problem, and she would not forget about the Hell that I brought to the table, the problem was the way that I was living my life.

If anyone treated me the way I treated myself, I would have had warfare.

Peace,
Todd J.

MikDQwik

CountryB, Great Topic!

I have shared my thoughts for controlled drinking under a Topic by WorldTank under a similar heading. For some people it might work, for others it won't. I think to succeed at it, you first need to earn the right by getting it under control for an extended period of time. When moderation becomes a CHOICE not a goal, you might have a chance at it.

However, your real point was stopping just win your family back. I tried it, and failed 4 times in 9 months. Kept relapsing. Know why? Because, I was not stopping for myself. I had no idea what made me drink to begin with, so it was only a matter of time before the next relapse. I did exceedingly riskier things each time i relapsed (of course, cause I need to hide it from my family).

I, like Tyler, was on many anti-depressants, but it wasn't until I knew what made me depressed, that I learned how to truly treat it by not drinking.

Proabably sounds like I'm sober for 20 years, right? Wrong. I am 3 weeks into my latest attempt. So what makes me an expert? Nothing. Other than I KNOW why I stopped now. I know why I was drinking. Took me 9 months of therapy, but i'm getting there. I feel so strong about it this time, that I am on ANTABUSE. I am ready this time.

Since you are here at SR, you must have some desire to share and learn. I think you will be successful if you understand that alcoholics are a fraternity. We are not like everyone else. For us, we cannot have one drink and stop. Our minds are wired differently. But trust me, we CAN overcome. We CAN be good to ourselves and our families.

Good Luck to you! It will be well worth the journey.

Mik

CarolD

from my fellow alcoholics. I will only add...

Depression drove me into AA recovery.

At 2/3 months sober my lomg term depression lifted.
Without the doctors and meds I had beem doing.

My depression has not returned for over 16 years.

Hostages? Nope.
Alcohol is making you the hostage. Break free CB.

countrybumpkin

Hey Folks,

Thanks for all the input I really appreciate it. I really need to face up to the problem I have and not keep being in denial. I don't want to lose my wife and kids. I really don't. I know I've had this problem for a long while, but just didn't want to face it. I don't know if it's depression or alcoholism ( I know they can go hand in hand) but I am going to find the root of why I do what I do so I can fix it. I have an appointment with my doctor this week to just start the process of finding out why. I know that counseling will help and I'm willing to do that too.
Again thanks for the support and the input. It helps to read others stories.

Cathy31

Hey CB

DO check out those meetings too...you know why, you might be very very surprised ( I was) and it might really help in your quest. Can't do any harm.

Good luck and keep us posted, your honesty is appreciated, and good! Good for you on first step with Doc!

Cathy31
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CAPTAINZING2000

Heck, I wouldn't quit drinking either but, I lost my kids in the divorce


If we could only look in a mirror and see ourselves as others do.

I could come to in the morning and not know where I was or my car and not think, I had any problems.

I don't have a evaluation test on me at this moment. Any one on here have the standard you might be an alcoholic test handy

I do know, when, a loved ones nag about your drinking, it's a problem.

I'm like you no one was going to tell me to stop. I had to do that on my own or, I'd have never went all these years w/o a drink

Take my advice or, get a good lawyer cause, I lost visitation rights as well

countrybumpkin

Thank you all for your imput. I went to my first AA meeting today. I talked with my wife and told her I wanted to put my family ahead of the bottle and she agreed to come home. I know it will be hard, but I am prepared to go the long haul to save my family. She is very wary and has reason to be. I really hope I don't let here down. Thanks again for your stories of how alcohol affected your lives, so I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I will be at this board often trying to stay sober.

recoveringaddic

well keep that thought in your mind and mean it ,you are getting help for yourself. maybe it is best that you don't surround yourself with a lot of pressure on top of your addiction. at least you are willing to seek help. that is the first step,good thinking.
by you seeking help you can have your life back. remember this feeling too shall pass.
GOOD LUCK!

tyler

That's great bumpkin!! I'm really happy for you!!

lulu70

Hey CB--So glad you made it to a meeting. You are on the right track. I hope you really will stick around here. It is so important for everyone to hear about the stuggles and see that it actually can work. Hang in there......

Hugs--