Don't know what too do.....
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: chiefland, fl
Posts: 5
Don't know what too do.....
My boyfriend has been an alcholic since he was 15 he is now 41. I dated him when I was 21(well I can't say date because we always met up at the bar but for well over a year whenever we wound up at the same place we were together everyone knew we were a couple at least on the bar scene) I am now 31. I grew up, he didn't. I moved on but never forgot him. He was always suppose to be my bad boy you know the one when you are an old lady rocking on the front porch and a big grin comes across your face when you think of your youthful days. He has been in and out of jail for DUI, no drivers license. He is a harmless drunk as far as physical abuse goes he would drink from the time he got up(wild turkey) till he passed out at nite and get up and do it again.
I married a wonderful man when I was 25 and between the two of us had 5 children one was ours together. He was killed in a car accident in 2003. I hit the party scene several months afterwards. I often ran into my BF and never could be mean to him because he was always speciala to me but I avoided him whenever I could. He was always wanting me to go out with him or to take me and my kids somewhere. I didn't want myself or my kids around a drunk so I always said no. All though these years he always kept up with me and referred to me as the one he let get away.
A year ago he drunk himself into a coma. He had been sick before and he would stop for a month or two but always went back on it. When I found out through his sister he was in a coma not expecting to make it I was heartbroken but to everyones surprize he came out of it after 3 weeks. The Dr told him then that if he ever went back to drinking like that again he wouldn't make it 6mths to a year. His body would not hold up he had done too much damage over the years.
8 months ago I went to a bar in the next time which I hate. I didn't know why until later that a higher power was pulling me there because I had gotten to where I was drinking quiet often(I had to have the socializing because I never drank at home). I went into this place and ordered a drink the whole time thinking why in the world are you here. I went to the bathroom and when I came back I saw him at the end of the bar. The first thing I though was my Lord he cheated death once and now he's back for more. How can I get out the door without him stopping me. He is a very talkative drunk and hard to get away from and I just never could find it in my heart to be mean to him.
As I was walking by he said, "Did you see where I called you today?" I replied yea right. why in the world are you drinking again after that close call. He replied he wasn't drinking nothing but sprite and he told his sister when he came out of the coma that I was the first person he thought of and that particular morning he told her before he laid down he was going to find me if he had to go to every bar around. I really didn't believe him. But to my surprize when I got home he had called. We started talking on the phone. He asked me out and I said yes just to humor him because I really thought that he would be drinking again in a few weeks. Not the case He claimed that he had always been in love with me he just wasn't in the postion to pursue me with his problem. I fell in love with a totaly different man that I used to date.
We have been together for 8 months and it hasn't always been easy but we worked though it. He had always told me that if he could make it through June(their busiest and most stressful work month he would be o.k.) that and them rainy days made him really want a drink. june 13th would be a year sober. He got his regular license back. In september would have had all his major debts paid off and we were gonna build us a house. June 12th i came home and he was looking for a fight had been looking for one all week. Well I gave him one because I was tired of walking around on eggshells all the time and he would never let me talk about how I felt when he made certain comments to me that hurt my feelings he always had something that I had done to make him mad to throw back up.
He left mad. Later on I found out that he stopped by and picked up a bottle looked at it for an hour. then after calling his brother, sister and two best friends and none of them picking up on his desperation started drinking again
He called me around 9 and I knew immediatly. He always said if he ever took that first sip that would be it and he was right. I showed up at the bar at 12 to drive him home we talked til 4 that morning. Really talked for the first time like we should have been doing the whole time
We talked about what choices he had in the morning when he woke. I really thought he would put it down. he didnt.
This is day 3. He still says he loves me. He isn't blaming anybody but himself. He hates himself for what he is doing to myself and his mother but won't stop. He has begged me to not give up on him. I have never dealt with anything like this. I don't want to give up but I can't go through losing another man I love again. I am dying inside and I feel so helpless.
I went to the bar mon. nite and we talked for two hours. We talked, laughed and cried together.
I called tue and found him at another bar around 1pm. He told me he was just about through and would I have dinner with him and talk he promised he wouldn't embarrass me. I told him yes if he promised to not get any drunker than he was. He apparently went to his moms to sober up and fell asleep and didn't wake up til this morning.
When I called him I asked if he was drinking. He said no. I asked him was he gonna be alright. He said he didn't know he was going to try and make it through the day. Well he didn't when I got off he was at the bar although he wasn't as drunk as he normally would have been that time of day.
He told me he was sorry and to please not kick him to the curb yet. This weekend we was going on the river me him and the kids and he was going to be sober.
Help me I don't know what to say, what not to say. I wont to help him being I am the only one right now he will really talk to but I don't know how.
I am slowly dying of a broken heart and can't stop it.
I married a wonderful man when I was 25 and between the two of us had 5 children one was ours together. He was killed in a car accident in 2003. I hit the party scene several months afterwards. I often ran into my BF and never could be mean to him because he was always speciala to me but I avoided him whenever I could. He was always wanting me to go out with him or to take me and my kids somewhere. I didn't want myself or my kids around a drunk so I always said no. All though these years he always kept up with me and referred to me as the one he let get away.
A year ago he drunk himself into a coma. He had been sick before and he would stop for a month or two but always went back on it. When I found out through his sister he was in a coma not expecting to make it I was heartbroken but to everyones surprize he came out of it after 3 weeks. The Dr told him then that if he ever went back to drinking like that again he wouldn't make it 6mths to a year. His body would not hold up he had done too much damage over the years.
8 months ago I went to a bar in the next time which I hate. I didn't know why until later that a higher power was pulling me there because I had gotten to where I was drinking quiet often(I had to have the socializing because I never drank at home). I went into this place and ordered a drink the whole time thinking why in the world are you here. I went to the bathroom and when I came back I saw him at the end of the bar. The first thing I though was my Lord he cheated death once and now he's back for more. How can I get out the door without him stopping me. He is a very talkative drunk and hard to get away from and I just never could find it in my heart to be mean to him.
As I was walking by he said, "Did you see where I called you today?" I replied yea right. why in the world are you drinking again after that close call. He replied he wasn't drinking nothing but sprite and he told his sister when he came out of the coma that I was the first person he thought of and that particular morning he told her before he laid down he was going to find me if he had to go to every bar around. I really didn't believe him. But to my surprize when I got home he had called. We started talking on the phone. He asked me out and I said yes just to humor him because I really thought that he would be drinking again in a few weeks. Not the case He claimed that he had always been in love with me he just wasn't in the postion to pursue me with his problem. I fell in love with a totaly different man that I used to date.
We have been together for 8 months and it hasn't always been easy but we worked though it. He had always told me that if he could make it through June(their busiest and most stressful work month he would be o.k.) that and them rainy days made him really want a drink. june 13th would be a year sober. He got his regular license back. In september would have had all his major debts paid off and we were gonna build us a house. June 12th i came home and he was looking for a fight had been looking for one all week. Well I gave him one because I was tired of walking around on eggshells all the time and he would never let me talk about how I felt when he made certain comments to me that hurt my feelings he always had something that I had done to make him mad to throw back up.
He left mad. Later on I found out that he stopped by and picked up a bottle looked at it for an hour. then after calling his brother, sister and two best friends and none of them picking up on his desperation started drinking again
He called me around 9 and I knew immediatly. He always said if he ever took that first sip that would be it and he was right. I showed up at the bar at 12 to drive him home we talked til 4 that morning. Really talked for the first time like we should have been doing the whole time
We talked about what choices he had in the morning when he woke. I really thought he would put it down. he didnt.
This is day 3. He still says he loves me. He isn't blaming anybody but himself. He hates himself for what he is doing to myself and his mother but won't stop. He has begged me to not give up on him. I have never dealt with anything like this. I don't want to give up but I can't go through losing another man I love again. I am dying inside and I feel so helpless.
I went to the bar mon. nite and we talked for two hours. We talked, laughed and cried together.
I called tue and found him at another bar around 1pm. He told me he was just about through and would I have dinner with him and talk he promised he wouldn't embarrass me. I told him yes if he promised to not get any drunker than he was. He apparently went to his moms to sober up and fell asleep and didn't wake up til this morning.
When I called him I asked if he was drinking. He said no. I asked him was he gonna be alright. He said he didn't know he was going to try and make it through the day. Well he didn't when I got off he was at the bar although he wasn't as drunk as he normally would have been that time of day.
He told me he was sorry and to please not kick him to the curb yet. This weekend we was going on the river me him and the kids and he was going to be sober.
Help me I don't know what to say, what not to say. I wont to help him being I am the only one right now he will really talk to but I don't know how.
I am slowly dying of a broken heart and can't stop it.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
I was desperatly hoping for a better ending to your story. Well in a nutshell he's not done yet and may kill himself trying. Your completly powerless over his drinking, not a thing you say nor the love you share will get him to sobriety. I nearly lost the love of my life from my drinking, he left, he came back with me promising I'd quit. I lasted two days and was back at it. Not till I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, tired of what had become of me, to my emtional bottom was I able to quit. I had to do it for me because I was done with it. Same for him, he'll have to do it for him because he's done or die trying.
Should you pursue the relationship please know nothing will change until he's ready. No amount of begging, pleading, loving, listening, talking will do it. He has to find it within himself and no matter how bad he's trying and wants to it's completly his choice to make. I'll say a prayer for you both he was given a second chance for a reason, I hope he eventually stays sober long enough to figure it out, I think it was because of you, but only the big guy above knows for sure.
Should you pursue the relationship please know nothing will change until he's ready. No amount of begging, pleading, loving, listening, talking will do it. He has to find it within himself and no matter how bad he's trying and wants to it's completly his choice to make. I'll say a prayer for you both he was given a second chance for a reason, I hope he eventually stays sober long enough to figure it out, I think it was because of you, but only the big guy above knows for sure.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Welcome to SR, kbear, and thank you for sharing with us!! What has he ever done to get help or STAY sober? He needs help. Help that you alone cannot give. Help from professionals and/or AA. If he won't get help, there is really nothing you can do but look after yourself. I suggest you find an Al-Anon meeting to go to ASAP. Call your local hotline and talk to someone, OK? I wish you both the very best!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 18
Thought I would comment on your post, it is touching but familiar. I work in a hospital environment where we have a large amount of alcoholics with medical problems. We have had them long-term and short term but the most amazing thing is the recovery process. I had a man come in yellow and unresponsive. Within 8- weeks he was able to walk again. So many stories and situations. Some go home and continue to drink while others never touch it again and live with whatever damage has alreasy been done. Your friend still has an opportunity to live-possibly a inpatient rehab would be an option. Sorry to hear the way it is playing out. Keep us updated.
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: chiefland, fl
Posts: 5
update. I had to go to the bar and check on him. I wound up leaving upset and he called me on my cell phone. He did not seem to have been drinking as much today and i do know that he worked almost all day which is a plus. When he called me he was fussing so I went back because I was tired of being nice. I didn't know what to say to him because I was afraid I would say something even worse. We talked about our problems that was going on before this and what both of us could do to change them. I told him that I had tiptoed around him at times because I didn't want to send him on a drinking binge but that would not happen again because I know now that isn't what did it.
After talking for 2 hours with me not holding nothing back he finally opened up and told me several things that had been bothering him for awhile that I didn't have a clue about. And we both agreed that if we wanted our relationship to try we both had to put more time and energy into it.
He asked me what it would take to get things right. I told him he would have to show me that he was attempting to give up the drinking. He then proceeded to tell me that for the first time in his life he actually loved something more than his self but he wouldn't quit drinking for me. He said when he quit it would be for his self first with me being his motivator for stopping.
I have never been around anyone who was addicted to anything. He threw his cup out the window and he was through but he told me what was gonna happen tommorrow so when I called or he didn't call I would be aware. He said when he got up in the morning he was gonnna be sick all day. His mom has already stocked up on gatorade which is what he says he has to drink to settle his stomach. He said he knows he will have to eat something but that is the hardest part but his mom had been through this with him before. I asked could I come over after work to be with him and he said yes but please don't bring the kids because he would be going through Dt's with his knees knocking together and they didn't need to see him that way.
And when he suceeds at that he is going to call me and ask me for a date and we are gonna spend some time getting to know each other without the pressure of living together. He has not told me so far until now that he was going to quit he said he was gonna try.
I talked to his lifelong bestfriend ealier today and he had said that he wouldn't quit til he was ready but once he made up his mind there was a 90% chance that he would make it through all the withdrawels.
I hate to get my hopes up to be disappointed but I have to put all my faith in him because that is the one reason that kept him drinking before was nobody had any faith in him.
From all I know of his past from him and His ex girlfriend even called me today to give me her support and she said when he made up his mind to quit he would but he would never do it as long as someone was hellhacking him about it or didn't show no confident in him
I want to help him tommorrow so bad but I am scared to death because I have heard his and his familys horrow storys of him coming off a bad drunk. although this one had only been 3 days it has also been a year since he touched the stuff.
Any advice for me on how to deal with his dt's and sickness tommorrow. I don't want to do or say the wrong thing.
and please everybody say a extra prayer for him tommorrow morning.
thanks so very much
After talking for 2 hours with me not holding nothing back he finally opened up and told me several things that had been bothering him for awhile that I didn't have a clue about. And we both agreed that if we wanted our relationship to try we both had to put more time and energy into it.
He asked me what it would take to get things right. I told him he would have to show me that he was attempting to give up the drinking. He then proceeded to tell me that for the first time in his life he actually loved something more than his self but he wouldn't quit drinking for me. He said when he quit it would be for his self first with me being his motivator for stopping.
I have never been around anyone who was addicted to anything. He threw his cup out the window and he was through but he told me what was gonna happen tommorrow so when I called or he didn't call I would be aware. He said when he got up in the morning he was gonnna be sick all day. His mom has already stocked up on gatorade which is what he says he has to drink to settle his stomach. He said he knows he will have to eat something but that is the hardest part but his mom had been through this with him before. I asked could I come over after work to be with him and he said yes but please don't bring the kids because he would be going through Dt's with his knees knocking together and they didn't need to see him that way.
And when he suceeds at that he is going to call me and ask me for a date and we are gonna spend some time getting to know each other without the pressure of living together. He has not told me so far until now that he was going to quit he said he was gonna try.
I talked to his lifelong bestfriend ealier today and he had said that he wouldn't quit til he was ready but once he made up his mind there was a 90% chance that he would make it through all the withdrawels.
I hate to get my hopes up to be disappointed but I have to put all my faith in him because that is the one reason that kept him drinking before was nobody had any faith in him.
From all I know of his past from him and His ex girlfriend even called me today to give me her support and she said when he made up his mind to quit he would but he would never do it as long as someone was hellhacking him about it or didn't show no confident in him
I want to help him tommorrow so bad but I am scared to death because I have heard his and his familys horrow storys of him coming off a bad drunk. although this one had only been 3 days it has also been a year since he touched the stuff.
Any advice for me on how to deal with his dt's and sickness tommorrow. I don't want to do or say the wrong thing.
and please everybody say a extra prayer for him tommorrow morning.
thanks so very much
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by kbear10_99
...that is the one reason that kept him drinking before was nobody had any faith in him.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: chiefland, fl
Posts: 5
Sunday I went to the bar and gave him his fathers day present from my kids. While there his friend(who he despised when he was sober) was telling me what I needed to do to get him back a whole lot of stupid things was said by him. anyway 30 min. after I left he called and said he was through he sat there and thought about what his friend(who he knows it not a friend) had said and what I had said. He said he thought to himself, Do I really think like that. Stood up handed his drink to the bartender, told her to frame it on the wall cause that was his last drink. They told him to sit down and have another one. He told them no they were not his friends his one true friend had just walked out that door. He called me, his mom and several other family members to apologize. I went and got him so far so good no more drinking. Today was the one day I was worried about because he went back to work today. He isn't feeling good now but isn't running for the bottle either. I need all the prayers I can get but I believe he is serious now. We know it is going to be a rough rode not only for his staying sober but also for our relationship but we know we can make it with each others support and the good lord above by our side. This was my first experience with dealing with a alcoholic and I have a brand new understanding of them and those that love them. I always thought if he ever took that first drink again I would be able to walk away. Boy was I wrong. This has also taught me a valuable lesson in life and made me realize that I loved him even more that I thought I did.
Thanks
Thanks
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
North Florida Al-Anon schedule There is a meeting tomorrow night in your town, kbear10. Why not give it a try?
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Love and hugs,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Melbourne Florida
Posts: 6
[QUOTE] he would never do it as long as someone was hellhacking him about it or didn't show no confident in him
Hi Kbear,
I spent 12 months showing confidence in him, talking with him, yelling, pleading, threatening, even got physical twice and I never was able to stop him from using. Because I was trying so hard, I did feel I failed him somehow everytime he gave into his addiction. I know now that He uses cause HE wants to, not from anything I did or didn't do.
I didn't realize how true that is (tho I sort of knew all along) til I found this website.
My abf knew that I prayed for his recovery, he knew it's what I wanted the most for him...but if and when he chooses to stop will be completely up to him.
Take good care of You,
Mia
Hi Kbear,
I spent 12 months showing confidence in him, talking with him, yelling, pleading, threatening, even got physical twice and I never was able to stop him from using. Because I was trying so hard, I did feel I failed him somehow everytime he gave into his addiction. I know now that He uses cause HE wants to, not from anything I did or didn't do.
I didn't realize how true that is (tho I sort of knew all along) til I found this website.
My abf knew that I prayed for his recovery, he knew it's what I wanted the most for him...but if and when he chooses to stop will be completely up to him.
Take good care of You,
Mia
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: chiefland, fl
Posts: 5
4 days and going strong
He's gonna make it. 4 days now and no more withdrawel signs. No bad attitude although he shows a lot of guilt at times. We are gonna put all of it behind us and talk about the future which will include AA hopefully soon in the future. 
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by kbear10_99
We are gonna put all of it behind us and talk about the future which will include AA hopefully soon in the future.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: chiefland, fl
Posts: 5
one day at a time
I agree with you but we are taking it one day at a time right now. We are getting to know each other on a deeper level now. He has never been to AA before just counseling in a detox center which he said didn't work because he didn't want it to work. He hasn't showed much interest yet but he hasn't refused yet either. I do believe that he will go to save our relationship. No I know that he will go but right now is a busy time for both of us. I know what your thinking there will always be a excuse and most of the time thats right. We both made excuses of why we couldn't make it to church most of the time but we now know that thats all it was, was a excuse and we both agree that going to church and developing that relationship is necessary to maintain what we have and what we strive for in life. This again (the AA) is something I need to ease him into because he is not a person that likes to be told what to do and I will it is just gonna take a lil time and a lil persuasian.
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
he is not a person that likes to be told what to do
You're still completely focused on him. Again I ask, what about you? You need to look after kbear. You can't control him, especially if he's as you say, resistant to suggestions.
I'll keep you both in my prayers!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
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