I need some help in an area I know nothing about
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Port Sydney Canada
Posts: 2
I need some help in an area I know nothing about
Hi everyone..."This is all new to me and I am not sure what to do. My friend had had an argument with her 20 year old son tonight and she came over to talk with me about it. My son and her son are also good friends. Over the evening we discovered her son is using cocane. My son won't tell me any details and says he will talk to him. My friend dosn't know how to approach this as everytime she tries to talk to her son it ends up in an argument. Tonight he left saying he was leaving home. Since she has discovered he is using she now wonders if she should have stopped him. At the time of the argument she thought alchol was the only problem. Should she reach out to him and try to help? Does she confront him with a choice? Either quit or get out? Everytime she tries to talk to him he ends up denying he has done anything wrong. She is a very good friend to me and I want to give her the right advise but I am new to this and I don't know what to advise her.
Thanking you in advance for your replies.
Snowflake
Thanking you in advance for your replies.
Snowflake
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi and welcome snowflake!
Addiction is a terrible thing. Family members go through their own inner turmoil of learning how to cope with it. It's difficult to watch those we love spiral downhill all for the sake of alcohol or drugs. The main problem people face is wanting to help but powerless to do so. Powerless because the acceptance and willingness to achieve sobriety has to come from the person using. However, there is a great deal of support here, there is a great program for family members called Naranon. It is similar to the 12 step recovery programs of AA and NA. It helps those dealing with these issues learn how to set boundaries, take care of oneself, and come to terms with the fact there is little ability in saving someone who is not yet ready to be saved.
Your friend will have to make her own decisions and set her own boundaries. Please invite her over to visit the Friends and Family and Naranon forums where there are family members going through what she is and can offer some experience, strength and hope in dealing with her sons addiction.
Addiction is a terrible thing. Family members go through their own inner turmoil of learning how to cope with it. It's difficult to watch those we love spiral downhill all for the sake of alcohol or drugs. The main problem people face is wanting to help but powerless to do so. Powerless because the acceptance and willingness to achieve sobriety has to come from the person using. However, there is a great deal of support here, there is a great program for family members called Naranon. It is similar to the 12 step recovery programs of AA and NA. It helps those dealing with these issues learn how to set boundaries, take care of oneself, and come to terms with the fact there is little ability in saving someone who is not yet ready to be saved.
Your friend will have to make her own decisions and set her own boundaries. Please invite her over to visit the Friends and Family and Naranon forums where there are family members going through what she is and can offer some experience, strength and hope in dealing with her sons addiction.
Clean & Serene Punk Rock Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: santa barbara, CA
Posts: 23
Naranon and alanon are meetings for people who love people who are addicts or alcoholics. I have never been to one of those meetings but I have heard nothing but good things about them.
She could get a meeting list by phone for Narcotics Anonymous meetings for her son. But, if he doesn't want to quit he probably won't be open-minded about what he hears there.
Telling her son that she knows about his drug use was for the best because denial of the problem won't make it go away. But, I know from experience that ultimatums don't get people to stop using, unfortunately.
She will have to go with her heart, but in my opinion, being a "co-signer" to someones addiction won't help them stop. In other words she shouldn't put up with drug use in her home.
My mom was aware of my drug problem fo quite a while and by trying to keep me from the consequences of what I was doing, it only prolonged the inevitablities of what addiction brings. For example: She gave me money so I wouldn't steal to get drugs. I still did. She let me stay at home so I wouldn't be on the streets. I still was. She coddled me so I didn't have to deal with the consequences, but it was the consequences that led me to stop using. The price to continue using got too high.
She might want to look into local detox places also. Even if someone doesn't really need to detox for withdrawls, they give someone the chance to stop the using cycle long enough to have some clean time and be able to make better decisions for themselves.
I'll keep you all in my prayers.
She could get a meeting list by phone for Narcotics Anonymous meetings for her son. But, if he doesn't want to quit he probably won't be open-minded about what he hears there.
Telling her son that she knows about his drug use was for the best because denial of the problem won't make it go away. But, I know from experience that ultimatums don't get people to stop using, unfortunately.
She will have to go with her heart, but in my opinion, being a "co-signer" to someones addiction won't help them stop. In other words she shouldn't put up with drug use in her home.
My mom was aware of my drug problem fo quite a while and by trying to keep me from the consequences of what I was doing, it only prolonged the inevitablities of what addiction brings. For example: She gave me money so I wouldn't steal to get drugs. I still did. She let me stay at home so I wouldn't be on the streets. I still was. She coddled me so I didn't have to deal with the consequences, but it was the consequences that led me to stop using. The price to continue using got too high.
She might want to look into local detox places also. Even if someone doesn't really need to detox for withdrawls, they give someone the chance to stop the using cycle long enough to have some clean time and be able to make better decisions for themselves.
I'll keep you all in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: getting closer
Posts: 24
cocaine is popular right now with kids in their 20's (at least in my area) i used when i was very young (15,16 yrs old) stopped for a while and then started again when i was about 21. i was surprised that it wasn't just the same kids using, but also kids i went to high school with that were healthy and into sports and going to college and all that good stuff. i feel like it's not really considered a serious drug anymore, i always thought it was like smoking pot or drinking (until i started smoking crack and realized i had a problem) i really don't know what you can do other than to be supportive and i hope that he realizes that it IS dangerous before he hurts himself. good luck and i hope everything works out.
whataday
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: al.
Posts: 91
I`d be concerned with my own son since he is friends with the boy in question, chances are your son knew all along. Hind sights 20/20, just giving it to you straight.
chris
P.S. god bless you, i`ll pray for you
chris
P.S. god bless you, i`ll pray for you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Port Sydney Canada
Posts: 2
Good Morning
I just want to thank Chy,losttofreedom,april*rain, and lafever chris for replying to my post. Your letters were very helpful and I have send my friend a link to this page. Chris your reply to my letter hit a spot I am trying to deal with myself. Yes my son did know but he thinks if he tells on his friend he is ratting out on him. My son thinks if he talks to him that it may help. I am trying to convince my son that if his friend needs help then it's not the same as ratting someone out. Their friendship is a very tight one and I have my work cut out for me trying to convince my son helping is not the same thing as ratting...Once again thank you all so much I will be in from time to time and I will pray for you all in your continued recovery.
Snowflake
I just want to thank Chy,losttofreedom,april*rain, and lafever chris for replying to my post. Your letters were very helpful and I have send my friend a link to this page. Chris your reply to my letter hit a spot I am trying to deal with myself. Yes my son did know but he thinks if he tells on his friend he is ratting out on him. My son thinks if he talks to him that it may help. I am trying to convince my son that if his friend needs help then it's not the same as ratting someone out. Their friendship is a very tight one and I have my work cut out for me trying to convince my son helping is not the same thing as ratting...Once again thank you all so much I will be in from time to time and I will pray for you all in your continued recovery.
Snowflake
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