NEED HELP - Confronted my friend, NOW WHAT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 1
NEED HELP - Confronted my friend, NOW WHAT
I confronted my friend on her drinking two weeks ago. Since then, I have have found a great Alanon group and love it.
But I keep getting emails from my friend saying she wants to talk to me about what I said and is "composing her thoughts". I have been choosing to just say "call me when you are ready", but from her emails, am fearful it will be an inventory of what is wrong with me and the curelty of my words confronting her (I was honest not cruel).
All I want to hear when she does call is that she is in a program. And if I hear anything else, I think I have to tell her that until she is in a program, our friendship is better off with no contact.
Thoughts??
Any help appreicated. And I am going to a meeting later today!
But I keep getting emails from my friend saying she wants to talk to me about what I said and is "composing her thoughts". I have been choosing to just say "call me when you are ready", but from her emails, am fearful it will be an inventory of what is wrong with me and the curelty of my words confronting her (I was honest not cruel).
All I want to hear when she does call is that she is in a program. And if I hear anything else, I think I have to tell her that until she is in a program, our friendship is better off with no contact.
Thoughts??
Any help appreicated. And I am going to a meeting later today!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Great that you are going to Al-Anon!
You know, I was a voluntary walk-in to AA, so I've never been down the confrontation road. BUT -- from what I hear in AA, it's got to be when that person is ready. It's the old "you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink" thing.
I would pose your concerns to a trusted member of Al-Anon (or here on the Al-Anon forum) and see if you get some answers that help.
Ken
You know, I was a voluntary walk-in to AA, so I've never been down the confrontation road. BUT -- from what I hear in AA, it's got to be when that person is ready. It's the old "you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink" thing.
I would pose your concerns to a trusted member of Al-Anon (or here on the Al-Anon forum) and see if you get some answers that help.
Ken
You can do it!!
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Townshend,Vermont
Posts: 45
Well I can honestly say that I am 19 and I am in a program now and I am there because of it being MY decision! Before this program my family all of them at one point or another dis-owned me intill I got help. My mom left me when I was 13 necause of my mental problem's and said it was my fault that she left.... But anyways I have been an addict since I was 10. I went from pot and drinking to what I thought were better drug's but what I am getting at was my family took everything away from me right down to my home when I was 16! I was 15 living on the street's because they thought by doing this would force me to eaither quit or go in a program and even if I had done that then it would not have worked! You can't force a person into recovery no matter what they are addicted to! You think by taking away your friendship till' she start's recovery that she will go into a program and bam she is a recoverd drunk! But no no no not this way. She need's to come to this road on her OWN! I think you have tried to help but there is also a chance you have made it worse! I know that when I was 15 and living on the street's I went from pot and drinking to crack and coke and then into heroin! And this was to show them I was in control of my life and they had no say about how I did thing's and when it was my turn in recovery. And I went on living this life style till' I saw ok look at me I have almost DIED thats right DIED and I need help! I got help and I have not used since then! I went for me on my own and it has worked! So please talk toyour friend let her know what she is doing to her body and give her the number''s you have found and the name's of the place's you have found and get a meeting date and time to give to her also and she just might get some use out of them more then your verbal confronting! She must be thinkin' oh that *itch she don't know one thing about me she is just talking ****. I know that is how addict's think all of them! Do you have any addicit's in your family? Or any other addicit that is in your life? I think you came to the right placer for advise and I think I gave you some useful info. about helping addicit's! It is the only way for them to get useful help. Not take up a spot in a program just because! They have to WANT to be THERE it just WILL NOT WORK any other WAY!!!! I know someone who is in and out just because and when I was finally at my wit's end I had to wait 2 month's for the program that was to any use to me because of people there just to save a relationship...................
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: QVB NYC NY
Posts: 620
i think you did everything you're supposed to do as a friend sbotte, if the friend wants to talk so be it, let hertalk. but that doesn't mean if she wants to take your inventory you have to listen.
maybe she'll have her hand out asking for help? don't take a chance on denying her that, please. but don't let her walk on you either. Alanon will definitely help you with that. you've spreadthe message, that's all you can do, recovery is up to the individual.
i don't agree with sharebear on the hurting part, i also did more and harder drugs alcohol to show those who confonted me. but that was my fault not theirs. they were only trying to help themselves and me in the process.
as much as we are not responsible for our actions under the influence of drugs and alcohol, we are still accountable!
good luck sbotte
maybe she'll have her hand out asking for help? don't take a chance on denying her that, please. but don't let her walk on you either. Alanon will definitely help you with that. you've spreadthe message, that's all you can do, recovery is up to the individual.
i don't agree with sharebear on the hurting part, i also did more and harder drugs alcohol to show those who confonted me. but that was my fault not theirs. they were only trying to help themselves and me in the process.
as much as we are not responsible for our actions under the influence of drugs and alcohol, we are still accountable!
good luck sbotte
member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: here
Posts: 32
sbotte you did what was right. Sometimes we as the sober loved ones get caught up in trying to save the addicts in our lives and become rather unwell ourselves. We must learn the 3 C's here, we did not cause this, we can not control this, and we can not cure this. They do ultimately have to make the decision to get well when they are ready. But we can detach from them, have our boundaries and not allow there abuse to there thereselves overflow onto us. I agree with **** and great advice before me. I too feel you did the right thing regarding your friendship. Confronting her that she has a problem, just may be the reason she gets help. And if not, then you simply state you can not keep allowing her drinking to interfere with your life, but that you do love them and when they are ready to seek help, then and only then will you be there for them.
Sharebear sounds like you need a hug. I have lots to share. WOW you were far to young to have had to go thru what you went thru. At 15 or even 13 you were far too young and a helping hand could have probably helped you then. A firm caring hand, from an adult that had some wits about them. But sounds like your drug abuse at such a tender age, was due to not have having any guidance and or a helping hand. Sorry for my response to be so harsh, but you were much to young to be "LET GO" and allowed to make your own choices regarding your life. At such an age to be stuck out in the cold due to drug abuse was wrong and down right cruel and unfair to you. Someone did have some type of control they could have enforced or even used, had you put somewhere for help, even if you resisted. It could have made for a better chance than just left out to make desicions for yourself that at such a young age you had no idea what those were for yourself. When we become active adults and use drugs as a means to escape and hurt those around us because of our abuse, yes then it is only fair that our loved ones detach and let us make our own mistakes and let us figure out on our own we must get help when we want it. And alot of times being left out in the streets because of our choices is our fault and and what he have to live with because of our bad choices we make. Like buying drugs and not paying rent, buying and doing drugs instead of working and prospering and making good choices for our life. When we are left to deal with our desicions and no one enables us by paying our rent for us, or giving us money for drugs. Getting help then becomes the only option because we are left all alone and no one wants to tolerate our lies, and drug abuse. As an adult we make the decision to get help, or keep doing these things to ourselves. You obviously found recovery and that is wonderfull, but if you look at it in a different way, maybe when you were left to make your own decisions as a child you were doing these drugs because you didn't and couldn't make those desicions for yourself. But as an adult you were better to make better judgement and stopped the insanity and drug abuse as you stated it was getting you nowhere and killing you. So in your case at such a tender age I am outraged at what was done to you. So sad this had to be your case, and you blame yourself for your mother leaving you. NO it was not your fault, you were not to blame, and you should not own that guilt. That is hers to carry and one she should bare, and hopefully one that haunts her. Sorry but your reply just hit so many soft spots for me. I feel for you and am so glad you found your way out as an adult.
HUGS to you both
1day
Sharebear sounds like you need a hug. I have lots to share. WOW you were far to young to have had to go thru what you went thru. At 15 or even 13 you were far too young and a helping hand could have probably helped you then. A firm caring hand, from an adult that had some wits about them. But sounds like your drug abuse at such a tender age, was due to not have having any guidance and or a helping hand. Sorry for my response to be so harsh, but you were much to young to be "LET GO" and allowed to make your own choices regarding your life. At such an age to be stuck out in the cold due to drug abuse was wrong and down right cruel and unfair to you. Someone did have some type of control they could have enforced or even used, had you put somewhere for help, even if you resisted. It could have made for a better chance than just left out to make desicions for yourself that at such a young age you had no idea what those were for yourself. When we become active adults and use drugs as a means to escape and hurt those around us because of our abuse, yes then it is only fair that our loved ones detach and let us make our own mistakes and let us figure out on our own we must get help when we want it. And alot of times being left out in the streets because of our choices is our fault and and what he have to live with because of our bad choices we make. Like buying drugs and not paying rent, buying and doing drugs instead of working and prospering and making good choices for our life. When we are left to deal with our desicions and no one enables us by paying our rent for us, or giving us money for drugs. Getting help then becomes the only option because we are left all alone and no one wants to tolerate our lies, and drug abuse. As an adult we make the decision to get help, or keep doing these things to ourselves. You obviously found recovery and that is wonderfull, but if you look at it in a different way, maybe when you were left to make your own decisions as a child you were doing these drugs because you didn't and couldn't make those desicions for yourself. But as an adult you were better to make better judgement and stopped the insanity and drug abuse as you stated it was getting you nowhere and killing you. So in your case at such a tender age I am outraged at what was done to you. So sad this had to be your case, and you blame yourself for your mother leaving you. NO it was not your fault, you were not to blame, and you should not own that guilt. That is hers to carry and one she should bare, and hopefully one that haunts her. Sorry but your reply just hit so many soft spots for me. I feel for you and am so glad you found your way out as an adult.
HUGS to you both
1day
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The Basement
Posts: 724
Hi Sbotte,
Welcome to SR. I think by the previous posts you realize that it has to be the alcoholics decision to quit but your post is very insightful and informed. All you can do is separate yourself until this person gets help.
Take a look at the power posts at the beginning of the alanon forum and introduce yourself over there. You'll find a great group of people in similar predicaments.
Welcome to SR. I think by the previous posts you realize that it has to be the alcoholics decision to quit but your post is very insightful and informed. All you can do is separate yourself until this person gets help.
Take a look at the power posts at the beginning of the alanon forum and introduce yourself over there. You'll find a great group of people in similar predicaments.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: NYC, NY
Posts: 193
Hi Sbotte,
Two weeks ago, after I was sure that I had sabotaged one of my dearest friendships through a horrible drinking binge, she bluntly told me I needed help, pulled back and told me she could not see me until I was sober and getting help.
It was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time. I really took inventory, and today I am getting help and sober and my dear friend is in my corner big time.
I was ready to quit, it was what tipped the scales for me. You are doing the right thing, and if your friend is ready, she will see that you are acting out of concern and love.
Two weeks ago, after I was sure that I had sabotaged one of my dearest friendships through a horrible drinking binge, she bluntly told me I needed help, pulled back and told me she could not see me until I was sober and getting help.
It was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time. I really took inventory, and today I am getting help and sober and my dear friend is in my corner big time.
I was ready to quit, it was what tipped the scales for me. You are doing the right thing, and if your friend is ready, she will see that you are acting out of concern and love.
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