Guys, if you want to drink and screw around why are you married???
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Guys, if you want to drink and screw around why are you married???
Why do guys think they can get married and then have sex with anyone they want to? Why do they think they can go out drinking with their buddies, pick up some **** and screw her and it is ok? Why do they go home and sleep with their wife knowing they are exposing them to sexually transmitted diseases and it is ok as long as she doesn't find out, because what she doesn't know won't hurt her! It will hurt her, more than just a broken heart, it is LIFE THREATENING to you and to your wife.
I guess this pertains to wifes too, but in my case it is a husband.
It hurts, but the thing that pisses me off is I have no idea who this **** was and he slept with me a few days after exposing me to God knows what.
Just venting,...........thanks.
I guess this pertains to wifes too, but in my case it is a husband.
It hurts, but the thing that pisses me off is I have no idea who this **** was and he slept with me a few days after exposing me to God knows what.
Just venting,...........thanks.
still moment by moment
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: on my way back to me
Posts: 83
Vent away Honey. I KNOW how bad it hurts. And the biggest reason it hurts changes all the time. You are now on a roller coaster of emotions that will take you oh so long to work through. Try to remember:
1. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with you lacking in anything. You could be a super model and he still would have done it.
2. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Or that he doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect himself and if he doesn't respect himself it is NOT possible for him to respect you. It just isn't.
3. In his wee little mind he honestly thought it wouldn't affect anything. (at the time.)
4. Some men, sometimes, get way off on the attention. He got some sort of validation from it that he couldn't get from HIMSELF. (NOT YOU).
5. It is HIS character that is in dire need of improvement.
If you guys are really young, it is possible that he just made a really bad decision and it won't happen again or that maybe he really didn't understand the magnitute of it all.
BUT, since you are on this board and he has a problem, he needs help. My very very unprofessional opinion is that he has such a low opinion of himself and such low self-respect that this little escapade made him feel better about himself. Once he respects himself he will never do this again.
I figured out that I could never cheat on my husband - even to get him back - because I have way too much respect for myself and for marriage. So - even though I wanted to at one time to get him back - I really couldn't go through with it.
Now, after saying that, it does not mean that he isn't worth staying with. It is true that I feel like me and my husband are stronger for having gone through it - but I still hate like hell that he ruined my fairy tale. Although, as I get older... there are no fairytales anyway so... My husband worked really hard at repairing himself first, then we worked on our marriage. He doesn't need to get validation from other women - he now gets it from himself.
My marriage is great by the way. And my husband has grown up to be a very respectable man and a great father. He's turned into a great adult. But he was so not an adult when I married him. My husband was smart enough, or lucky enough to get counseling.
My point is... you don't have to leave him because of this. It is possible to recover. My husband is far more ashamed now of what he did than I was ever mad. And I WAS MAD.
1. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with you lacking in anything. You could be a super model and he still would have done it.
2. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Or that he doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect himself and if he doesn't respect himself it is NOT possible for him to respect you. It just isn't.
3. In his wee little mind he honestly thought it wouldn't affect anything. (at the time.)
4. Some men, sometimes, get way off on the attention. He got some sort of validation from it that he couldn't get from HIMSELF. (NOT YOU).
5. It is HIS character that is in dire need of improvement.
If you guys are really young, it is possible that he just made a really bad decision and it won't happen again or that maybe he really didn't understand the magnitute of it all.
BUT, since you are on this board and he has a problem, he needs help. My very very unprofessional opinion is that he has such a low opinion of himself and such low self-respect that this little escapade made him feel better about himself. Once he respects himself he will never do this again.
I figured out that I could never cheat on my husband - even to get him back - because I have way too much respect for myself and for marriage. So - even though I wanted to at one time to get him back - I really couldn't go through with it.
Now, after saying that, it does not mean that he isn't worth staying with. It is true that I feel like me and my husband are stronger for having gone through it - but I still hate like hell that he ruined my fairy tale. Although, as I get older... there are no fairytales anyway so... My husband worked really hard at repairing himself first, then we worked on our marriage. He doesn't need to get validation from other women - he now gets it from himself.
My marriage is great by the way. And my husband has grown up to be a very respectable man and a great father. He's turned into a great adult. But he was so not an adult when I married him. My husband was smart enough, or lucky enough to get counseling.
My point is... you don't have to leave him because of this. It is possible to recover. My husband is far more ashamed now of what he did than I was ever mad. And I WAS MAD.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: brandon man, canada
Posts: 258
You know i was one of those guys and the guilt got me.My first marriage i did that and it felt like hell later in life.My second marriage my wife did the screwing around so i guess i got what i deserved.The bad part about the whole trhing is i cant find my ex to say sorry......
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
it has nothing to do with you harly.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
I found myself in bed with a couple of women while I was married,
But my ex-wife was the most bueatiful woman I've had ever met.
I could never take back the mistake I made or did.
Strange to be lying in bed with someone else and thinking about your wife.
She never knew.
The next relationship. Will payback is a b**th.
I had no idea what ***** was going at it.
I was stupid MAD, MAD
I never cheated on her. It is possiable to recover from it.
It take's a lot of work and forgiveness. Thou not a thought of
the day as time pasted. The resenment was suttle even
when I loved her from the bottom of my heart.
She did made her amends to me day after day for years.
I slow down or prevented further intimate level. (not aware of it)
The relationship went as far as it could. I hardly went down town
on her and thought it was a dirty job was how it showed in the bed room.
It was my resentments that did it. I wouldn't allow myself
to charish her. My love wasn't that question.
The lesson I learned was not to cheat on myself, but I also
had to be willing to get pass it. I couldn't and paid the priced.
Current or latest and greatest
On a sexual level , it's been pure.
And a lot of growth in that area.
Unfortunatly, for some strange reason I like to cuddle,
thumb wrestle, or have pellow fights. It's not all about sex. (I'm a guy).
Good god almight...or the STD out there.
But what the heck I'm I going to do
Become a monk and move to mount Rushmore or sum'in ?
Get on spiritual high and not be true to myself of needing someone to
share my life with or a companionship.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
I found myself in bed with a couple of women while I was married,
But my ex-wife was the most bueatiful woman I've had ever met.
I could never take back the mistake I made or did.
Strange to be lying in bed with someone else and thinking about your wife.
She never knew.
The next relationship. Will payback is a b**th.
I had no idea what ***** was going at it.
I was stupid MAD, MAD
I never cheated on her. It is possiable to recover from it.
It take's a lot of work and forgiveness. Thou not a thought of
the day as time pasted. The resenment was suttle even
when I loved her from the bottom of my heart.
She did made her amends to me day after day for years.
I slow down or prevented further intimate level. (not aware of it)
The relationship went as far as it could. I hardly went down town
on her and thought it was a dirty job was how it showed in the bed room.
It was my resentments that did it. I wouldn't allow myself
to charish her. My love wasn't that question.
The lesson I learned was not to cheat on myself, but I also
had to be willing to get pass it. I couldn't and paid the priced.
Current or latest and greatest
On a sexual level , it's been pure.
And a lot of growth in that area.
Unfortunatly, for some strange reason I like to cuddle,
thumb wrestle, or have pellow fights. It's not all about sex. (I'm a guy).
Good god almight...or the STD out there.
But what the heck I'm I going to do
Become a monk and move to mount Rushmore or sum'in ?
Get on spiritual high and not be true to myself of needing someone to
share my life with or a companionship.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: AK
Posts: 143
To all of you out there who have been cheated on. The perpetrator is not the other person(****,*****,etc.)It is the person who went looking. The reason I am pointing this out is because the person who committed the deception not only committed against you they committed it against the person they were with. How do I know? I was the other person and I still feel quilty to this day for what happened. It was not someone I just met it was someone I had dated and did not know that he and his wife were reconciling. I thought the marriage was over for both of them. I thought this because this is what I was told and had no reason to doubt the validity of.
I learned a very important lesson and have never,never repeated my actions. I have been approched by men who say " I'm separated" My response has been Good for you!!! Now go away!!!!!!
I learned a very important lesson and have never,never repeated my actions. I have been approched by men who say " I'm separated" My response has been Good for you!!! Now go away!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: ontario
Posts: 83
oh man.. not good sorry for you harley...
was this an affairr or a one night stand?
Not sure who is the "drunk" or "alkie " here?
Is it the husband?
Anyway I look at it, if a man can do what you said , i don't think love is in his brain or heart. Nor would it be in a woman's in that situation.
Makes me think the 12 steps have a lot to do with not only why people drink or use but also why when they stop using, if they haven't explored the ideas behind the 12 steps, they become what i have read here about dry drunks....
the whole thing becomes so complex the more I read and try to understand...and I really don't understand this kind of stuff but am sending you compassion.....
What's with people in this world? what's wrong with showing respect, understanding and love?
Well, given what you said, I hope you go have a few tests to reassure you and if this was the first time your husband did this hope you can talk, and if he's done this many times, well, hope you can move on.
this must be very hard for you.
respect, kindness, understanding is what every person in this world needs.
Greenmeadow
was this an affairr or a one night stand?
Not sure who is the "drunk" or "alkie " here?
Is it the husband?
Anyway I look at it, if a man can do what you said , i don't think love is in his brain or heart. Nor would it be in a woman's in that situation.
Makes me think the 12 steps have a lot to do with not only why people drink or use but also why when they stop using, if they haven't explored the ideas behind the 12 steps, they become what i have read here about dry drunks....
the whole thing becomes so complex the more I read and try to understand...and I really don't understand this kind of stuff but am sending you compassion.....
What's with people in this world? what's wrong with showing respect, understanding and love?
Well, given what you said, I hope you go have a few tests to reassure you and if this was the first time your husband did this hope you can talk, and if he's done this many times, well, hope you can move on.
this must be very hard for you.
respect, kindness, understanding is what every person in this world needs.
Greenmeadow
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Vicksburg, Michigan
Posts: 56
H.G.,
Sounds like you may have moved into the next step of recovery from hurt to angry.
Just make sure you channel it into something positive.
What I mean is don't do something or say something you would not normally do or say as you need to keep in mind this is not your fault or something you deserved.
He has the problem and needs to address it head on.
If he is serious about making amends, and you love him, you can get through this but maybe not alone.
I think councelling would help a lot, having gone to marrage councelling three times myself.
I would agree with the others that it is a self esteem issue on his part, no fault of yours (don't know your marital situation of course)he is trying to make himself feel better and nothing feels better to a guy exspecially drunk than to have a girl find him atractive or to have them come on to him.
I am basing this on my own infedelity experiences and what I felt when those situations happened as I have low self esteem and depression issues.
But that is still not ok, and is not a good enough reason to justify cheating.
Part of A.A. is facing those skeletons in the closet and making amends and it sounds like he has his starting point.
Just my opinion, I am no expert, but I recommend seeking an expert.
John.
Sounds like you may have moved into the next step of recovery from hurt to angry.
Just make sure you channel it into something positive.
What I mean is don't do something or say something you would not normally do or say as you need to keep in mind this is not your fault or something you deserved.
He has the problem and needs to address it head on.
If he is serious about making amends, and you love him, you can get through this but maybe not alone.
I think councelling would help a lot, having gone to marrage councelling three times myself.
I would agree with the others that it is a self esteem issue on his part, no fault of yours (don't know your marital situation of course)he is trying to make himself feel better and nothing feels better to a guy exspecially drunk than to have a girl find him atractive or to have them come on to him.
I am basing this on my own infedelity experiences and what I felt when those situations happened as I have low self esteem and depression issues.
But that is still not ok, and is not a good enough reason to justify cheating.
Part of A.A. is facing those skeletons in the closet and making amends and it sounds like he has his starting point.
Just my opinion, I am no expert, but I recommend seeking an expert.
John.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va
Posts: 632
I've learned from the people in my life that any 1 man can be with 1,000 women at anytime but it takes 1 real man to be with one woman 1,000 times!! When I make a comittment to a women, I make that before me, before her and before god. If I cheat on her, I'm cheating on god. Just my opinion.
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