Herd Instinct
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Back in the Land of The Living
Posts: 8
Herd Instinct
Anyone ever notice that when you quit, there's always people -usually close family/friends- who, for whatever reason, always seem to be trying to get you to take:
"just one" or
"you can't possibly be enjoying the party without drinking" or
"why don't you get a lift next time, then you can drink like the rest of us?"
These people are usually heavy drinkers/alcoholics themselves (though of course they don't realise that, they're just having a good time!) and you've told them on countless occasions that you've quit, but that makes no difference. They either don't believe you, can't accept it, or don't want you to leave the Herd!
I have been at parties where a particular hostess (a heavy drinker) always singles me out, repeatedly, and "takes pity" on me for not being able to be like her, and get stoned! and she usually insists on making me coffee or tea to drink half the night, when I don't really want anything :yelling
However much you say you don't want to drink, you are looked upon by these kind of people as some kind of nut or something.
Just wondered what everyone else says or does to get these people off their backs. I'm sure I ain't the only one to experience this?
"just one" or
"you can't possibly be enjoying the party without drinking" or
"why don't you get a lift next time, then you can drink like the rest of us?"
These people are usually heavy drinkers/alcoholics themselves (though of course they don't realise that, they're just having a good time!) and you've told them on countless occasions that you've quit, but that makes no difference. They either don't believe you, can't accept it, or don't want you to leave the Herd!
I have been at parties where a particular hostess (a heavy drinker) always singles me out, repeatedly, and "takes pity" on me for not being able to be like her, and get stoned! and she usually insists on making me coffee or tea to drink half the night, when I don't really want anything :yelling
However much you say you don't want to drink, you are looked upon by these kind of people as some kind of nut or something.
Just wondered what everyone else says or does to get these people off their backs. I'm sure I ain't the only one to experience this?
Choosing Life
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: London
Posts: 889
Hey Fizz
Christmas is difficult for this kind of thing, as maybe one feels obligated to go to events where there will be mucho boozing. The thing is, I would and did, find it very hard to mix with the "drinking" crowd that I used to mix with before I quit. So now I don't. I had to put my recovery first and have taken the suggestions of others and I just don't go anywhere that would make me feel uncomfortable. To tell you the truth, I don't want to go. My real friends support what I am doing and I see them all the time in non-drinking social occasions.
I found it impossible to stop drinking by trying to live the old life and just being "dry".
much love
JC
Christmas is difficult for this kind of thing, as maybe one feels obligated to go to events where there will be mucho boozing. The thing is, I would and did, find it very hard to mix with the "drinking" crowd that I used to mix with before I quit. So now I don't. I had to put my recovery first and have taken the suggestions of others and I just don't go anywhere that would make me feel uncomfortable. To tell you the truth, I don't want to go. My real friends support what I am doing and I see them all the time in non-drinking social occasions.
I found it impossible to stop drinking by trying to live the old life and just being "dry".
much love
JC
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Back in the Land of The Living
Posts: 8
Okay JC, I get you.
But what happens when you have no choice in the matter?
In my case, my wife's family are all drinkers -some heavier than others- and when we see them most times, Christmas or not, it's usually a party of some sort and the booze is flowing!
I'm sure you're not suggesting I tell my wife I don't want to have anything to do with her family anymore, and she should go alone on these occasions!
See what I mean? It ain't just as simple sometimes as "not going where I will feel uncomfortable". But thanks for your reply anyway.
But what happens when you have no choice in the matter?
In my case, my wife's family are all drinkers -some heavier than others- and when we see them most times, Christmas or not, it's usually a party of some sort and the booze is flowing!
I'm sure you're not suggesting I tell my wife I don't want to have anything to do with her family anymore, and she should go alone on these occasions!
See what I mean? It ain't just as simple sometimes as "not going where I will feel uncomfortable". But thanks for your reply anyway.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ok Fizz, here goes, lol.
Yes in my early recovery it used to bother me, until I started to realize several things, One, was that my NOT DRINKING was really bothering them, whether they knew it or not, and they probably have a problem.
I also started to realize that the more I said NO THANK YOU and changed the subject, the more I MEANT IT. Wow, what a concept.
And, I also realized that I might be the only one, that these "so-called" family and friends might ever see sober, and having a good time. That particular input I got from attending meetings and being told before I realized it for myself, "that I may be the only example of an AA Big Book that someone might see, so I better be a damn good true and exact copy." rofl.
In time, they will give up on you, and who knows your not drinking may have a beneficial effect on one or more of them further down the line.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. This is just one of those "little" hurdles that we overcome as we continue to grow and change in our recovery.
JMHO
Love and (((((to all))))),
Yes in my early recovery it used to bother me, until I started to realize several things, One, was that my NOT DRINKING was really bothering them, whether they knew it or not, and they probably have a problem.
I also started to realize that the more I said NO THANK YOU and changed the subject, the more I MEANT IT. Wow, what a concept.
And, I also realized that I might be the only one, that these "so-called" family and friends might ever see sober, and having a good time. That particular input I got from attending meetings and being told before I realized it for myself, "that I may be the only example of an AA Big Book that someone might see, so I better be a damn good true and exact copy." rofl.
In time, they will give up on you, and who knows your not drinking may have a beneficial effect on one or more of them further down the line.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. This is just one of those "little" hurdles that we overcome as we continue to grow and change in our recovery.
JMHO
Love and (((((to all))))),
--Now!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Corona, Ca.
Posts: 7
I'm not even telling my family I quit. I've been at a few drinking events so far, and have accepted drinks under pressure. I just leave them around the house to sit and dilute until someone tosses them out. That used to really **** me off when I had parties and found all those untouched drinks laying around. Now I just keep my diet soda handy. I've found that drinking is a bit like smoking in that you need to have something in your hand.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Hello, I get this a lot too. Many of my co-workers and select family members are always getting on me for not wanting to drink. Really whats happening is that they can feel uncomfortable around non-drinkers. It forces them to take a look at themselves. You have to be strong enough to hold your chin up and just so no thank you. If thats still tough, then you have to be even stronger and just "politely" not attend the parties and get togethers, at least for now. Your recovery, (especially early in recovery), has to be top priority. All my best!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: midwest
Posts: 148
Maybe someone can make some sense of this for me. I was at a party recently, and was drinking wine all night. I know it's time for me to quit. So I was sitting near a recovering alcoholic friend, and I lightly touched her hand and told her we would have to talk soon. I know she knew what I meant. So what did she do, she offered and then went over and poured me a tall scotch and water, which I drank. What was she thinking. I guess I should ask her. The same kind of thing you're talking about, in a way.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
mbtired
Maybe she was trying to have your morning be a day to remember. Nothing like good ole hangover to get most of us to say... This is the last time.
What I have found from the herd... misery loves company.
When I was saying No, their own guilt had them push for me to join them.
I am drinking and I am not a drunk or alcoholic, so he better have one because I am not wrong.
I would just repeat... no thank you I am all set as many times as I would be asked.
Maybe she was trying to have your morning be a day to remember. Nothing like good ole hangover to get most of us to say... This is the last time.
What I have found from the herd... misery loves company.
When I was saying No, their own guilt had them push for me to join them.
I am drinking and I am not a drunk or alcoholic, so he better have one because I am not wrong.
I would just repeat... no thank you I am all set as many times as I would be asked.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va
Posts: 632
Here's what I say when I used to be pushed to smoke a joint with a friend. I don't hang out with them any more, because talking recovery just scares the away today. Anyhow here's how it goes after the "just take one puff, man"
I say, well if I take one puff, we'll sit here getting high, then we'll smoke your whole bag. Then we'll get thirsty and we'll get some beer or whiskey. Then, I'll want to get something to wake me up, so we'll get a bag of coke. After we do that bag, the party is just beginning so we'll have to get more and more quaility because really I prefer to freebase it. I'm such a good cook, wait til you smoke the meal I cook. So, I'll end up cooking it, which in turn runs out sooner than later. Then after that, we'll want more, but I won't have enough money, and if your not going to throw all your money in like I did, then you really do suck! So after I lay the guilt trip on for you to add more money, we'll have to go to your house and start seeing what we can sell. After we decide you don't need a TV or the Stereo, we'll go sell that to get some more. Then we'll go for the next round of posessions to sell. After this, they usually say, "man, it ain't worth getting high with you."
I say, well if I take one puff, we'll sit here getting high, then we'll smoke your whole bag. Then we'll get thirsty and we'll get some beer or whiskey. Then, I'll want to get something to wake me up, so we'll get a bag of coke. After we do that bag, the party is just beginning so we'll have to get more and more quaility because really I prefer to freebase it. I'm such a good cook, wait til you smoke the meal I cook. So, I'll end up cooking it, which in turn runs out sooner than later. Then after that, we'll want more, but I won't have enough money, and if your not going to throw all your money in like I did, then you really do suck! So after I lay the guilt trip on for you to add more money, we'll have to go to your house and start seeing what we can sell. After we decide you don't need a TV or the Stereo, we'll go sell that to get some more. Then we'll go for the next round of posessions to sell. After this, they usually say, "man, it ain't worth getting high with you."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Charlottesville, Va
Posts: 632
mbtired,
The only thing I can think of is that, talking to someone who is loaded about recovery is useless. It really is huge waste of time, and possibly she wanted to speed up your evening.
The only thing I can think of is that, talking to someone who is loaded about recovery is useless. It really is huge waste of time, and possibly she wanted to speed up your evening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 398
Fizz,
I remember being over at some relatives for Easter and they offered me a drink. I said, "No thanks, just a 7up please." They said, "What, no alcohol? But it's Easter!"
I still laugh when I think about it, because what does alcohol have to do with Easter???
In any case, when I go to holiday gatherings, I usually find just one other person who is not drinking (usually there is one) and sit with them for the evening. If someone tries to "force" a drink on me, I say "no" repeatedly and emphatically until they shut up. I also tell them that they are being rude by badgering me all evening long and that I am there to enjoy myself. All the while I try to remain cheerful and outgoing, but at the same time very emphatic about my "no's".
But it is hard, isn't it? Some people just don't get it. What about "no, I don't want a drink" don't they understand?
ChrisMan
I remember being over at some relatives for Easter and they offered me a drink. I said, "No thanks, just a 7up please." They said, "What, no alcohol? But it's Easter!"
I still laugh when I think about it, because what does alcohol have to do with Easter???
In any case, when I go to holiday gatherings, I usually find just one other person who is not drinking (usually there is one) and sit with them for the evening. If someone tries to "force" a drink on me, I say "no" repeatedly and emphatically until they shut up. I also tell them that they are being rude by badgering me all evening long and that I am there to enjoy myself. All the while I try to remain cheerful and outgoing, but at the same time very emphatic about my "no's".
But it is hard, isn't it? Some people just don't get it. What about "no, I don't want a drink" don't they understand?
ChrisMan
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Northern , CA.
Posts: 42
Hi All,
I have one more to add. Just last week at our office x-mas lunch, they ordered Several Pitchers of margaritas ( MY personal Weakness) and they know I'm not drinking for 2 weeks now( at least my good friends there) and still they passed all the drinks to me , which i dutifully passed along. Then I said no thankyou when the last one wound up in front of me. "i'll just have water, thanks"....... My "best friend" at work called me "a loser". I said , "I'm not a loser" and she said , "well neither am I !". I smiled. And agreed . NO, you are not a loser..... : )
This site feels like I have better friends/support . Thanks for the chance to share.
Happy New Year. It must be better : )
Cindy
I
I have one more to add. Just last week at our office x-mas lunch, they ordered Several Pitchers of margaritas ( MY personal Weakness) and they know I'm not drinking for 2 weeks now( at least my good friends there) and still they passed all the drinks to me , which i dutifully passed along. Then I said no thankyou when the last one wound up in front of me. "i'll just have water, thanks"....... My "best friend" at work called me "a loser". I said , "I'm not a loser" and she said , "well neither am I !". I smiled. And agreed . NO, you are not a loser..... : )
This site feels like I have better friends/support . Thanks for the chance to share.
Happy New Year. It must be better : )
Cindy
I
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Back in the Land of The Living
Posts: 8
The lady in my story was a sister-in-law, and I am very fond of her, but she does have this thing about me not drinking. It gets real annoying after a while 
She literally follows me to the kitchen for drinks and says things like, "Well, who's driving tonight then?" (meaning that if my wife's drinking then I must be driving, therefore alcohol-free).
She has even pointed me out to everyone when we are leaving by saying, "Look at him, he's standing there cold, stone sober!"
My you, I remember when I had quit smoking (10 years in 2005) and she was one of the last in the family to quit, everytime she saw me, she would literally throw cigarettes at me!!
So I suppose I should be thankful she isn't throwing drinks at me ... yet!!
What do you do with people like that?
She literally follows me to the kitchen for drinks and says things like, "Well, who's driving tonight then?" (meaning that if my wife's drinking then I must be driving, therefore alcohol-free).
She has even pointed me out to everyone when we are leaving by saying, "Look at him, he's standing there cold, stone sober!"
My you, I remember when I had quit smoking (10 years in 2005) and she was one of the last in the family to quit, everytime she saw me, she would literally throw cigarettes at me!!
So I suppose I should be thankful she isn't throwing drinks at me ... yet!!
What do you do with people like that?
knucklehead
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: earth
Posts: 694
Fizz, I have found when offered a drink now. my responce is... I dont drink now thanks any way and please dont offer it to me any more. I have had to repeat that decleration to the same persons sometimes more then once. I personally feel it is all about being yourself within the herd.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Springfield,Mo
Posts: 19
I think our families can be our own worst enemies when it comes to this kind of thing. If they see a family member doing something better for themselves they are internally
offended. I guess they need to get you back to thier level so they don't have to look at themselves so closely. Remember in a herd there must always be a leader. I quit drinking several years ago and my dad still pours me a glass of wine at family dinners..
I toast then set the wine down and drink my water. The wine sits there until he eventually drinks it. he never says anything. but he trys to tempt me... now if I could only be that strong when it came to pills. LOL maybe I will offer him some drugs at our next family dinner LOL I wil not be doing that since I am in recovery but i would like to see his face. Put him in an akward situation for once..
You can pick your friends not your family....darn the luck,
beezylou
offended. I guess they need to get you back to thier level so they don't have to look at themselves so closely. Remember in a herd there must always be a leader. I quit drinking several years ago and my dad still pours me a glass of wine at family dinners..
I toast then set the wine down and drink my water. The wine sits there until he eventually drinks it. he never says anything. but he trys to tempt me... now if I could only be that strong when it came to pills. LOL maybe I will offer him some drugs at our next family dinner LOL I wil not be doing that since I am in recovery but i would like to see his face. Put him in an akward situation for once..
You can pick your friends not your family....darn the luck,
beezylou
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