New Member. Trying to help my son
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,669
Originally Posted by Dave13104 
My 26 year old son is struggling with alcohol. This is after doing inpatient rehab for cocaine, Adderall, pot and alcohol twice about a year ago. He lives with us. He works full time. A couple weeks ago he wrecked his car and there was no obvious alcohol involvement, but I can't be sure. Two nights ago he wrecked his new car and was obviously very drunk. He got a dwi and 5 other tickets.
Because he lives with us, has no car and he's out of money until payday we have visibility into what he is currently experiencing and will have some influence over what happens next.
He hasn't had a drink in 36 hours and he is experiencing some signs of withdrawal.
We have good insurance and inpatient/outpatient treatment is available to him. The only downside to inpatient is that as an apprentice electrician, he has to attend school weekly otherwise he gets left back a year and has to repeat it. He's done that once already. School goes until the end of June and then stops until September.
He's not currently in any sort of program, doesn't attend AA meetings, no counseling, etc. Although all of that is available and has been encouraged.
I don't have any particular questions. I'm just throwing our situation out there.
Because he lives with us, has no car and he's out of money until payday we have visibility into what he is currently experiencing and will have some influence over what happens next.
He hasn't had a drink in 36 hours and he is experiencing some signs of withdrawal.
We have good insurance and inpatient/outpatient treatment is available to him. The only downside to inpatient is that as an apprentice electrician, he has to attend school weekly otherwise he gets left back a year and has to repeat it. He's done that once already. School goes until the end of June and then stops until September.
He's not currently in any sort of program, doesn't attend AA meetings, no counseling, etc. Although all of that is available and has been encouraged.
I don't have any particular questions. I'm just throwing our situation out there.
Based on the lessons I learned the hard way through a couple decades of alcohol-fueled madness including two DUIs and one that would have been a third save for a technicality...
Based on my experiences and observations over the course of the past 20 years in and around AA, recovery communities, others who've been successful and others who have tragically NOT....
If this were my son I'd throw every bit of whatever influence I could into getting him into inpatient. School and apprentice programs can be returned to. Often, a clear opening and opportunity for fully-commited recovery cannot. Years or decades of suffering, prison, institutions or death await the the missed opportunity.
I would take my kid to AA, give him all the love and encouragement I could, offer to support his fully-fledged commitment to recovery right now.
And if he wasn't willing or ready - I'd tell him that he'd have to take it from here on his own because I could not stand by and watch him spiral into a dark and miserable downward spiral.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,669
I should add: being given love and support and at times enablement for many years was a part of my journey. What finally helped me take recovery seriously was the ultimatum from my parents in my late thirties that they were not going to support my having my children if I didn't embrace recovery.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Mid-Atlantic states
Posts: 1,084
My parents loved me and did everything they could do for me but they did NOT enable me. They never kicked me out, which I am glad, because I believe I would have died. I eventually pulled myself together enough to be on my own and started a successful career....then I fooled myself that I could moderate. Then it was my battle, but I still had their emotional support.
Love your son but you can't get him sober. But don't provide any money etc that he can use for alcohol. If he has a job make him pay steep rent.
I am going to have to be totally honest here and say if my parents gave up on me I would have died.......but again.....they did NOT enable me.
Love your son but you can't get him sober. But don't provide any money etc that he can use for alcohol. If he has a job make him pay steep rent.
I am going to have to be totally honest here and say if my parents gave up on me I would have died.......but again.....they did NOT enable me.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 1,002
I agree with the others do not enable (as much as you can). But I also wanted to note that 26 is still very young. I have 23 year olds and although they're "adults", they still value me telling them I'm proud of them, their choices, their journey etc. I think that could be an area where you could be effective if that makes sense. Along with the tough love, not enabling etc. When he starts making the right choices, doing the right things - some kindness, love and supporting statements such as I can't imagine how hard this is, but you're doing it and I'm here for you etc could go a long way. In my eyes, 26 is an adult, if he's been drinking a while maybe he still needs, wants, craves the support of his parents.
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Join Date: May 2024
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by RecklessDrunk
Day 2 of sobriety. I met with my lawyer on my lunch break. He had pleaded me out of a dwi 20 years earlier. Handed him a printout of police violations that was taller then me (a little under 6"). He looks them over for a few seconds... "Jesus Reckless, this one is an indictablle offense!! This means I have to go to the county and hope they kick it down to municipal " He grabs a stack of printouts and hands them to me. Its about time for you to get a divorce from alcohol.
It was pretty much just a word document with blank lines for the date, meeting, and signature. I guess it could easily be faked. I was done taking chances or playing any games at that point. That night after my first meeting I cleaned all the craft beer out of my fridge and threw it away. It felt good thinking of all the disastrous nights of drinking. Like the closest I could get to inflicting physical damage on my drinking problem. Several days earlier I had never considered a life without alcohol even possible.
It was pretty much just a word document with blank lines for the date, meeting, and signature. I guess it could easily be faked. I was done taking chances or playing any games at that point. That night after my first meeting I cleaned all the craft beer out of my fridge and threw it away. It felt good thinking of all the disastrous nights of drinking. Like the closest I could get to inflicting physical damage on my drinking problem. Several days earlier I had never considered a life without alcohol even possible.
We met with the lawyer yesterday. The most likely outcome for my son is a plea to a lower level of DWI and ton of fines, mandatory classes and a conditional license for a period of time. He didn't have the blank word document but he did say to attend meetings and get signatures.
The lawyer sent him to a counseling service that also serves as an evaluator for NYS. That's later today. Apparently they evaluate him, make a recommendation for treatment and then tell NYS how it's going. He's basically going to have to do whatever they tell him to do. That's likely to be 8 weeks of intensive outpatient treatment.
Good luck to you
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Location: Mid-Atlantic states
Posts: 1,084
Originally Posted by Behappy1
I agree with the others do not enable (as much as you can). But I also wanted to note that 26 is still very young. I have 23 year olds and although they're "adults", they still value me telling them I'm proud of them, their choices, their journey etc. I think that could be an area where you could be effective if that makes sense. Along with the tough love, not enabling etc. When he starts making the right choices, doing the right things - some kindness, love and supporting statements such as I can't imagine how hard this is, but you're doing it and I'm here for you etc could go a long way. In my eyes, 26 is an adult, if he's been drinking a while maybe he still needs, wants, craves the support of his parents.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,076
As someone who goes to AA meetings pretty regularly I have occasionally seen parents drag their children to AA meetings. I understand their desperation. But it's like pushing a rope so to speak.
I hope your son is able to find his way to sobriety. As others have said it's an inside job.
I hope your son is able to find his way to sobriety. As others have said it's an inside job.
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