Pekelover2

I swore to myself that I wouldn’t post this. But here it goes.
This will be the last post like this, so don’t worry I’m not going to be doing this anymore
I had a great bike ride with my friend this morning. We rode 31 miles and then stopped for coffee afterwards. I have ridden with this man for many months and so I’ve heard a lot of his stories. Some of them he repeats. I’m not trying to be impolite.
Today I decided to talk about myself more. I included things like music that I enjoy, where I grew up, etc. It went really well!

I have told you all over and over that I am a petite person. But today I am wearing a cycling jacket. That is so bright. I can probably be seen from space. It’s fluorescent yellow. It it *bright*
After I left my friend, I went to the supermarket and I pushed my cart up an aisle. There was a woman probably in her 40s and she was blocking the aisle with her cart. Her teenage daughter was with her. They were looking at boxes of pasta. I could not get around her. Even though she was facing me. Politely, I waited for her to notice me. I counted from 15 backwards to one. She didn’t notice me. Even though she was facing me.
So then I said “excuse me”….
Nothing
So I counted backwards from 15 to 1 again. And then I said “excuse me”
Still nothing.
By this time, a man had come up behind me. And he saw that the I was blocked by this lady. And he said: “EXCUSE ME”.
She finally noticed. And you know what? She looked over my left shoulder and stared at him squarely in the eyes and said I’m sorry.
Not to me. But to him.
I was so confused and upset. I almost left for me car. I got it together.
But I’m telling you. I’m invisible.
I told my friend here about it. He’s great with advice. And he told me to say it louder next time. He’s right. I’m quieter than most.
But still.
Can’t you apologize to both of us? (I mean if you’re going to apologize at all??)

I’m going to do some errands and then lift weights tonight .
I’m not going to cry. Even though it hurts so much.
I won’t end into it. I’m going to grab my dogs with me on my errands. It’s a gorgeous day.

ToughChoices

I dislike that this happened, Peke, but I can’t see how it has anything to do with you?

She was just a distracted, self- involved shopper with trouble hearing. I’ve definitely been on both sides of that interaction in the past.

This is in no way an indication of your worth or visibility.

Hevyn

Peke - Please feel free to discuss these things. We're here to help however we can. Sharing this stuff may take the sting out of it - a little.
I have a soft voice & am not aggressive - this sort of thing happens to me too. It is possible that she didn't hear you either time. ? So when she apologized she didn't realize you had been the first one to say 'excuse me'. (Maybe not, but it's possible.)

I'm so glad you had a good time with your friend - that's the good news. He obviously values your friendship & enjoys your company.

Dee74

Peke I face people like that every single day.

Its why I got one of those big ol AWOOGA horns put on my mobility scooter.

Its got everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

She might have been having a bad day or whatever but you do not have to internalise someone else's rudeness.

I'm really glad you had a great ride. Take that away with you today, not this
D

Anna

Peke, you are always welcome to post here with things that are bothering you. As others have said, this is not about you. This is about the other shopper and her obliviousness to the situation. Her rudeness has nothing to do with you.

AJ143143

Peke, you can always post here. There is a good book called the 4 agreements … one of the chapters is about not taking things personally. Just some advice (coming from love). It seems like you have a loop in your head of not being good enough or worthy of love and belonging and then searching out things to prove it to yourself. Something I realized is that not everything is about me. Similarly not everything is about you. (I mean that lovingly) and hope it gives you some relief. You never know the kind of day this woman had…. For example my mom died last month and I was in a daze for about a week. Literally walking around, just trying to get from one errand to the next. In a zone. I’m sure that I could’ve without even noticing ignored a stranger at the market. I was in my own head space. From what you have shared you have loving friends and a supportive husband. If you weren’t worthy or fun to be around I don’t think this would be the case . That being said, allowing others to have their own bad mood or space and maybe just sending that lady compassion and love in your head (cause you never know what people are going through)… you never know their personal story or why they are checked out that day. Like your friends at the bar you thought were ignoring you … perhaps they have social anxiety at times. It could be relieving for you to not make the way people act a personal reflection on you. Sending you love

Cityboy

Very good discussion so far.

Another SR friend talked earlier this week about making friends with your negative emotions, which I find to be a very challenging but progressive notion.

As to taking things personally, there was a video of a presentation that I found very helpful in early sobriety. (17 minutes)

Alpine

Oh my gosh..this happens to me all the time too..And it does get tiresome. Use to happen all of the time at work where people would get praised for things I did..Heck, even my MIL praises my husband by saying thanks to him for things I have done...sigh..lol..I am used to..It has taken a while.
I guess what I am trying to say is don't let it get you down..It has taken me a long time to not let it bother me and I have to realize it is them not me being not aware of their surroundings or just too self-involved. I would rather be on the other end vs the self-involved person myself. Please don't be afraid or shy from posting here..I sure have shared a lot of "whines" on the whine thread.

Pekelover2

I feel so much better reading your replies. I’m literally here crying now. Because I feel ridiculous writing this in the first place.
Can you see what I mean? I’m like a child. I really thought it was me she wasn’t seeing.
But now I see differently (no pun intended).
In DBT we are taught to think of the other person. I kept wondering “maybe she can’t see so well”.
But clearly she saw the guy behind me.
Anyway I can’t believe how much better I feel. I really do.
But see how exhausting I can be? Because I’m so darned confused. Like I don’t know I couldn’t have done differently. I mean I should have been louder I guess. I kind of don’t like to raise my voice. But next time I will, I think.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply to this.

Zencat

IDK, but I have touched complete strangers to get their attention in the exact same circumstances. I usually get an "OH, didn't see you. Then I will apologize. I'm a big man and raising my voice can scare people. Anywho I have have way more good touch interaction that it's my go to tool. Just a gentle touch on the shoulder and we are in the same place for good communication, I like hugs so, maybe it's just me.

Have you thought of looking for someone in your riding group that looks to be an extrovert, copy what they do when interacting with the group. How do they get someone's attention? What is their mood? Is it peppy upbeat? Do they expres with their hands when talking.. Do they touch others when talking, like putting their hand on someone's arm or, hand? Body posture in important part of communication. How do they hold themselves and there is more
.
As a scientist Peke, perhaps look into group dynamics. Loads of information based research and successful practice guidelines for understanding you and your relationship to your group works. See what roles people play in a group. You'll be fascinated to see your place in the group and better yet, how to make new friendships while healing. In AA shaking everybody's hand and saying hello is one way to get in with the group right away. Ask their name, shake hand and introducing yourself. Boom done! Then next time greet them again with friendly banter. Boom done! Do it to everybody every time over and over, I bet they will notice you now. We act our way to understanding and knowing why we do what we do,with a new attitude to win.

Keep posting for new insight and application to move though tough emotional baggage we lug around dragging us down.

The more minds working for a common solution is not to be missed in personal development.

You are doing exactly what it takes to heal, I admire your courage. I believe in you, Peke

least

Peke, I used to take everything personally too, and it caused a lot of tension and anxiety in my brain. It took some years of aging until I finally understood the idea of not taking things personally. Not only does it calm your mind, instead of throwing it into a negative overdrive, it can make the person(s) involved think twice if you say something neutral, like, "hello, how are you doing today? I can see you are busy, but could you please move your cart so I can pass by?" and then wait for the person to respond, either with words or just by moving the darn cart. And if you're very polite and kind to the person, it will drive them nuts, wondering what you're up to...

You've got to learn to respond without emotion, as if you were Alexa or Siri speaking.

I don't remember what events or circumstances taught me how to not take things personally, but gratitude has something to do with it. When I meet up with someone rude or demanding like that, I remind myself how grateful I am that I have better manners than that, and am happy I don't behave that way.

My mom, rest in peace, my troubled and bitter mom, would take everything personally, and always negatively. My mom threw a fit once when I came back to her house to return her car after taking my brother to the airport. It rained all the way home, about 45 minutes, and her wiper blades were old and no good, so seeing was very hard all the way home. I told her this and said, "Give me five dollars and I'll get you new wiper blades and install them myself, it's easy." She put on a pouting face and said, in a whiny tone, "You're always criticizing my car!!" She was mad at me for saying her wiper blades were no good!! I swear she angrily told me that she'd "take it to the dealer and they can fix it." I told her how expensive that would be, but she said she'd go to the dealer because "at least they don't criticize my car." sigh...

So remember, play sweetness and light and the subject of your irritation will be so confused.

Steely

And if all else fails run over her left foot with your shopping trolley. And then say sorry, as you meet her gaze. Fearlessly. Oops! 👀 😂

Only kidding, Peke. You're just fine, and your confidence and self esteem will grow in sobriety. Just you wait and see. It's happening for me. Though I never thought it would.

Pekelover2

Again, I can’t thank you all enough. To take the time to write back (after such a trivial post) has meant a great deal to me. You don’t know. It’s like I have a guide now. Some ideas at least to help me going forward.

It was so difficult to post this. I felt like I was losing my mind in a small way.
I wish there were a protocol to dealing with ppl. I truly mean it. Or at least I wish I had some kind of ear piece where someone could whisper to me what to do.

least- I hear what you’re saying - to respond without emotions. I think that’s a good idea. But it’s hard. I’m scared:

1. This woman might snap at me
2. This woman might actually yell at me
3. This woman might ignore me for the third time

It takes a lot of confidence to respond to someone in a neutral tone (which is what I think you’re suggesting).

The sad part about this. Is that when I read all of your responses (and you must understand I read and re-read everyone’s replies) was that none of them were anything that I would have thought of on my own. I still feel like a deer in the headlights. Like a five year-old. Clueless.

In molecular biology, we have protocols. When you decide to clone a gene, you start by thinking: okay is this a novel gene? Are there splice variants? What does the literature say? (That’s what I do. Some ppl approach things differently. But we all have a protocol).

I wish to gosh I had something similar to do in situations like the supermarket. I just had zero idea as to what to do.

I never have a snappy comeback. I’m just so young inside. It’s crazy.

But I’ll try. I really will. I have these great suggestions. Honestly it means so much!! All of you should be therapists.

I’m grateful. Thank you.

Dee74

Its not silly - it's something you need to tackle PL

I used to hate conflict too, still not my favourite thing but I've become more used to it now...sometimes people just wont play nice.

D

AJ143143

Peke… please start to think of your child like ways as a gift to the world. Many people would love that type of innocence, care and energy… my suggestion is that you begin to embrace who you are. Your willingness to be vulnerable about your social anxiety is endearing… you deserve to have space in this world simply because you are human … so does the girl in the aisle. We all belong on this earth . We are all a team of souls . I think if you look at people as team mates… and not as people against you it will really help .

aasharon90

Post away peke because it lets all of us know that we are
not alone. Someone out there in the world, someone here
in SR has gone thru the same similar things as you, just
as you are finding out.

Before i read the part where the man came from behind
and spoke loudly, i said to myself that if I were you, i too
would have stood tall and said firmly, EXCUSE ME. And
then begin to push her basket aside myself so that I could
get by.

To literally move someone elses basket is a way to take
control when at first you don't succeed, try try again.

Many folks are so self absorbed and are impolite, rude,
and think the world revolves around them, so extra prayers
for them, and remember it has nothing to do with you, but
it's just them.

If you gotta get anything done these days, you gotta getrdone
yourself. Including maneuvering around rude folks.

And stand tall, sure of yourself and speak loud with that
firm self assured voice to be heard or acknowledged.

Then proceed on with your task at hand.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Don't sweat the small stuff, Peke. You can't control others, only you. Being sober is hard. It brings all of your anxiety to the surface.

RAL

Keep posting Peke

I can relate as I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me and paranoid about everyone thinking badly of me. It's improved as I've got older but mainly since I started taking an anti anxiety drug - well it's an anti-depressant but treats anxiety. It helps me hugely and stops me obsessing over things. Maybe speak with your Dr who will be able to help?

Alpine

Peke, it is NOT trivial..if it impacts you then it is important. I have a friend here that knows I am that way and she told me " they do not rent space in your head so don't let them be there" Easier said then done, I know. I do understand Peke.

novips

This is what came into my mind in response to your post (from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous):

"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power? Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."

I don't know whether you are an alcoholic -- much less whether you are an alcoholic of the type, like me, who can only stay clean and sober by fully committing to the recovery program of AA. But if you are an alcoholic like me, then your disturbance has little if anything to do with the fact that you encountered a rude person in a grocery store. The world is full of rude people, how much power are you going to give them over you? When I am consciously connected to my Higher Power, I can simply pray for such people and not give them another second rent-free in my head. But critically, an alcoholic like me won't be able to sufficiently access that Higher Power without fully committing to the recovery program of AA.