Kaily

My moods are always very up and down, a lot more down than up.

My drinking was way out of control when I finally managed to stop. I was drunk whenever I was awake be it morning noon or night and was sinking fast.

Since sobriety, nearly fives years I still have addictive tendencies mostly regarding food and bingeing.

The summer I have had more or less control of this with just a few little slips, I am 1 lb off my goal weight. This week has been bad, I found out my doctor is retiring, she is one person in the world I trust as I have no one else. Yesterday was the last day of my dog agility classes that I have been attending for nearly a year as my trainer is moving and a neighbour that I don't actually really like is being off with me - I can't deal with any form of rejection.

So in the space of a week my eating is out of control, I am having bad thoughts and feel totally insecure, alone and vulnerable.

I know these things sound trivial but I keep my life as simple as possible due to being oversensitive so to me they are huge.

I hate that when things go wrong my addiction kicks in, to me it means I am not recovered I have just swapped substance. I think maybe food gives me the hug I need

Forwards

Morning Kaily,

Thanks for sharing this. It's heartwarming to see you still here and still sober. Great news also that you're approaching target weight - I know this is something you've wanted and worked for. I hope others here more expert than myself can advise on the recent binge. Alcohol was my 'chemical hug' for may years and the occasional 'sugar hug' seems much less of a monster for me. Progress not perfection...

All the best, Forwards.

Dee74

Hi Kaily I'm really sorry your Doctor and your dog trainer are retiring or moving.
Things like that knock me off kilter too - its just how I'm made.

I think the fact that you're down nearly to your ideal weight is great - I seem to be going the other way...
This week need not be a full on back slide.

You're aware of a problem and that's half the battle in learning to control it.

D

biminiblue

Hi Kaily,

I get all spun out when people I trust leave their jobs too. It's super hard, especially long-term medical assistants. My 30 year relationship(s) with a doctor and a dentist came to an end when they both retired and that was painful. I now have new people who seem okay. I tried to pick younger ones!

Neighbors. I have stories. I won't.

I get it with the food. It is what it is, I do it too. Better than many of the other addictions, and like you I manage to stay at a good weight as long as I stay active.

Kaily

Thank you Forwards good to see you too. Sugar has become a huge monster for me it never was before I got sober. Yes I need to remember progress not perfection but I also resent reversal to old behaviours. It makes me feel out of control.

Thank you Dee I just want a life free of all addictions and where everything stays the same. I guess we all want for things we can't necessarily have.

DriGuy

This is 100% true.
Maybe the key is finding contentment that is independent of our wants.
Maybe this is where learning gratitude comes in.

Insecurity is still an issue, however. Where that comes from is harder to figure out. It's still doable, however. Loss of significant others makes me sad, but the reason they were significant was because I learned things from them. I may lose my others, but I get to keep the things I've learned from them.

Cityboy

Kaily, I've had a life long issue with binge eating. Down about 25 lbs since I quit drinking beer. Another 25 would be good. It sounds like you are doing great with it.

Sorry to hear about loosing the doctor you like, the dog agility coach moving away, and the neighbor being off. The dog agility class sounds awesome btw.

Negative emotions can definitely lead to negative behaviors, which creates a cycle. Been there my whole life.

DriGuy

Binge eating has a lot of the earmarks of addiction. It's a momentary satisfaction that leaves us feeling sick. Yeah, I've been dealing with that issue now. This after losing 40 pounds, and I'm not as close to my ideal weight as Kaily. A food binge is a behavior that can be as unconscious as reaching for that bottle. I call it an addiction. We can tell ourselves that it's only for tonight knowing that's a lie we make up just to make it seem like it's not that big of a deal.

Canadian Koala

Hi Kaily
I prefer to declare that I am abstinent from alcohol rather than "sober" because I am not sober at all in my life.
Show me something addictive and bam! I fall in its trap whether it's video games, cookies or TV series.

You're doing good, stay focused, one day at a time.
I'm with you in this

Anna

Kaily, I think you're being too hard on yourself. You're almost at your goal weight which is great. Be proud of yourself. And, it seems that things often don't stay the same. I don't like change either, but life is constantly changing. Believe in yourself and that you have the strength to get through what life throws at you.

Mags1

Morning Kaily,

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It’s hard when we lose our trusted doctor. Finding another we can share our problems with seems insurmountable. I’ve gone in to see a doctor I don’t know and not told them the real reason I was there. Patient/doctor trust?. I don’t know. But finding a GP that we can trust completely is hard.

It’s also a challenge. If there is no doc suitable in your surgery is there a chance your doc who is leaving will recommend a lady doctor (much like herself) in another surgery? I’m sure she’s out there somewhere. I do hope so. Something to consider maybe?

When circumstances get overwhelming can you break them down into ‘bite size’ pieces maybe? Dealing with one thing at a time is enough for anyone’s well being and as addicts it’s possible to jump on another form of addiction.

Change can be so hard Kaily, And unsettling to our equilibrium. Using your recovery tools may help you be back in control.

Sending love xx

Kaily

I know it is addiction as it is a constant argument in my head. Yes I will, no yes bargaining. Then once I say yes I will binge a surge of happiness as I allow myself anything I want. The morning after waking up and saying never again only to repeat again.

I relate to this, if I think I will like something too much I don't even try it now for fear of addiction. I used to walk my dogs with a friend, she always wanted to stop for tea and cake and would get irritated with me when I didn't want to. It was never that I didn't want the tea and cake it was that I didn't want to give myself another problem where I had to have tea and cake on every dog walk.


Thanks everyone for the support, I will get over the doctor etc. I think my bigger issue is that my mind always falls back to addiction at difficult times and it scares me.

I will keep on keeping on

fishkiller

I believe everyone looks for something to comfort them especially when things are tough.
One of mine is buying stuff. It could be a new car or a little fitting I need for a project. Cost isn't the factor it's just something New. Something that will improve my life, maybe. The research and anticipation of receipt gives me pleasure. Then once I get it the feeling fades and I look for the next "fix".
Like eating it is a hard one to break because we gotta eat and we gotta buy stuff but we need to do both in a healthy way. How do you moderate once it's an issue?

I'm always saying this is it for the month. Pay off the card then we can move on to the next thing. I always fail.
Luckily, I guess, the little things give me the same feeling as the big items or I'd be in trouble.
Still I end up with a bunch of things laying around for projects I am no where near ready to tackle so now I look at all the stuff and get stressed about how many things need doing.

I'm glad you haven't gone back to the poison alcohol.
I hope you, we, can find a balance and live a healthier existence.

DriGuy

I've thought the same thing. With overeating, there is no possible abstinence that alcohol recovery allows. We have to eat, so we are always feeding the beast.

biminiblue

There have been a lot of discussions about food / compulsive eating / eating disorders etc. on this site.

Addiction is rooted in trauma for a lot of us and I know for myself and Kaily that is just a fact. I had quite a long battle with food / eating compulsion. In my case I also became obese. I've been at a good healthy weight (BMI 21) for many years now, but some foods have to be pretty much off-limits, like Kaily's tea and cakes. I have one small dessert item per week, usually a cupcake or rarely a pint of ice cream. It's mostly the sugar and wheat items like candy, cookies, crackers, pretzels, or French bread or boxed cereals that get me in trouble, though potato chips and corn chips are also problematic.

It's a long process - often two steps forward and one step back - but I've gotten slowly better over the years. I don't beat myself up over it any more and I accept that if I bring home a package of my trigger foods I'll eat the entire pack before bed. After 20 years of experimentation on this I have found that Abstinence From Buying It is the key. I can't eat it if I don't touch it.

DriGuy

I think you are right. That's probably where the focus should be.

biminiblue

Food is the 'acceptable' addiction.

I am lucky in one way in that I have a couple people in my real life who are morbidly obese. Well, that doesn't sound very nice, does it? Maybe "lucky" is the wrong word, but I see them regularly and I see the pain in their faces and in their bodies and that they are not able to do much of anything other than sit in front of the TV with...food. A couple of them also drink, to what extent I don't know. They're pretty house-bound and I don't know them all that well.

It is a stark and scary reminder to me of how easy it is to want to drown my emotions with substances and how very difficult it is to climb out of that hole. Food compulsion is progressive just like alcoholism. The body's endocrine system changes and requires more and more food to keep in balance. Then the fat itself is in control with all the requirements it has as a metabolically active body part. It's really scary and hard to lose a large amount of weight. It was every bit as much of a struggle as quitting alcohol.

Kaily

I don't believe we can compare addictions in a way of one being more difficult than another. I know food addicts tend to say well we still have to eat so we are constantly feeding the addiction. The thing is if you don't eat trigger foods the urge to binge isn't as bad. Alcoholics still have to drink - anything but alcohol.

I think the thought process of addiction is the same no matter what the substance. That said the end results are different, food is a comfort and a small dopamine hit, where as alcohol makes you forget, blackout and reach oblivion.

An individual can obviously have a bigger struggle with a certain substance, alcohol for me was a battle like no other, food I believe is a residue addiction from that. Basically if I started drinking again I believe my food bingeing would be no more. An experiment I won't be taking.

Thanks for all the thoughts and support

Dee74

I like the reframing here - its helpful to me. Thanks Bim

​​​​​​​D

DriGuy

OK, that's two great points you've made so far. Oddly, I already knew both of them, but never bothered to make them part of my healthy eating strategy. My biggest triggers are ice cream, crispy doodads, like potato chips, and cookies, and none of these have any place in a healthy diet. You shouldn't eat them and they shouldn't be there, and not just because are they triggers. There is effectively zero food value there.