Offthemast

I'm big into fantasy sports myself Zen. Love it.

Went and saw an old friend in Auburn today. he was managing a very sophisticated designer roof install. Talk of bringing me on as a project manager to work a certain region. That would be a good move. We will see. I'll just wait and pray on it and what will be will be.

Have a good night folks.

freedomfries

Good morning. Day 12. Out of cigarettes and vapes and feeling very antsy. Hopefully the shop run will be back soon. Seeing my mother today which is nice. Shaved, showered, moisturized. Was very good at breakfast. Ate at a decent deficit from Wednesday to Sunday. Hopefully today will be another good day diet wise. Mental state isn't great. Will be better when I get out. My consultant has no reason not to let me out tomorrow but he can keep me if he likes. I'm powerless until the tribunal which could be two weeks away.

RunnerF

Pledging for today. Day 323.

FreeOwl

Yesterday, at a family function, I was inside and everyone was out in the yard.

a bottle of white rum sat on the counter, a couple of the family having an afternoon cocktail. None of them are heavy or in any way problem drinkers.

a quiet beautiful day.

As I rinsed a dish the thought crossed my mind: I could just pour a quick double shot of that rum and nobody would be the wiser!

what a ridiculous thought. I’m fast approaching 90 days without a drink. I’ve had over nine years of sobriety over the past 11 years. I’ve had my life nearly ruined numerous times due to alcohol. How the hell can this thought even exist?

well, I rinsed the dish and took my daughter to a playground and didn’t think any more about alcohol except to think: what an absolutely ludicrous thought.

but it was a striking thought.

how readily that addictive habit wiring in our brains can jump up with an attempted ambush.

here for another clean and sober day.

may you all take note of the ridiculousness and sneakiness of those old habits of mind, and may you all remember when they arise: you are in charge. Those thoughts can’t control you, you made a decision to embrace sobriety and it wasn’t because alcohol was working. It wasn’t because alcohol and drugs were helping you win at life. It wasn’t because alcohol and drugs were getting you the results you seek or helping you life your best life.

keep on going.

ToughChoices

Thanks for the reminder, FreeOwl.

I am sober and content and convinced that alcohol/painkillers have NOTHING to offer in the way of long term peace for me.

Yet…..

I, too, have a small, sneaky voice that occasionally tries to trick me back into the madness. And it IS madness!

As strange as it sounds, it has really helped me to think of addiction as a chronic mental disorder. There is a part of my brain that craves chemical alterations- time and practice quiets it, but it is not silenced forever.

Vigilance is appropriate. This is a life or death struggle.

Today, when I hear the voice, I dismiss it. It is my illness, not my future.

FreeOwl

I’ve gone back and forth on the viewing of all this as ‘illness’’.

for one, there’s a sneaky weakness in my psyche: I don’t WANT to be ‘sick’ or ‘ill’- these can be readily converted in my mind as ‘broken’ or ‘less than’. This becomes a tricky wedge that my addictive brain wiring can leverage to use against me.

also: there’s increasingly evidence to suggest that this isn’t ‘illness’ at all, but rather an adaptive mechanism. Addiction springs from a seeking of comfort, and from a history and a wiring having found comfort in substances and actions ranging from sugar to sexual pleasure to shopping to alcohol and drugs from an early age in escaping trauma and emotional suffering.

our brains seek to bring balance to imbalance in our external experience and those of us who have experienced pain, anguish, trauma, despair - are naturally pre-programmed a certain way, and developed a pattern of finding relief in substances that brought at least short term comfort - we create a neural wiring that lasts a lifetime.

A case can be made that this isn’t inherently an illness, it’s a conditioning. It’s a set of neural connections and conditioned responses that we have formed in our nervous systems. It is our physical machine simply working as designed - it’s just that the machine never got appropriately developed for its optimal responses in a complex world.

looking at it this way frequently allows me some agency over and an active role in deciding how I’ll respond when these conditioned responses kick in. It allows me the conscious possibility that I can actively work on ‘rewiring’ my nervous system through neuroplasticity - and there is ample evidence to support this.

I tend now to accept the possibility that ‘illness’ is a subset of the overall, complex reality of addiction, but also that ‘functioning as designed but in need of some corrective maintenance and optimization of the system’ is equally a component.

anyway, guess I’m on a rant now, but I share for my own ongoing evolution and to offer these perceptions to others for whom they may be helpful.

countrystix

Great thoughts FreeOwl and ToughChoices. I'm currently about a third of the way through Alcohol Explained 2 and it makes a lot of sense. Our brains try to compensate for the poison we ingest and it becomes a vicious cycle.

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day. I was working outside and then my son came out with a mixed drink in his hand. The combination of the two immediately triggered thoughts - wouldn't it be great to have one too? I didn't. I'm slowly trying to ingrain in my little brain that I simply don't drink.

Zencat

A good friend quit a decades-long heavy drinking habit by marking an X on the monthly calendar of days he did not drink. He never drank again.

August 21, 2023

ToughChoices

I suppose I think of my particular set of problems as a “self-induced” illness? I don’t blame the universe or feel “broken “ - I just recognize the long-term effects of my conditioning.

I’m wired differently now.

There is a voice periodically suggesting substance use. It wasn’t always there. Now it pops up from time to time and tries to kill me.

I am certainly healthy enough now that I won’t allow it to.

BassetDog

Hi all - just wanted to do a quick check-in. I screwed up again and this is yet another day 1 for me. I had a horrific week long binge - drinking from morning till night. Had to take 2 days off work and drank those days away too. Can’t live this way anymore. I feel like absolute crap today mentally and physically. I met with a new therapist this weekend that has a ton of experience with addiction, have a meeting tonight with a psychiatrist to explore the idea of medication and was also just prescribed Naltrexone (which I haven’t taken yet as I’m not sure if actually works.

Have a great rest of your day all. I am going to go back and read your posts I missed over the last week.

FreeOwl

sorry to hear it Bassetdog but glad you made it back!

when I was where you are, combining AA with therapy and medical intervention was really helpful.

im glad you’re here and back at giving your sobriety your focus.

Offthemast

Hey BD! Glad you are back.

BassetDog

Thanks for reaching out FreeOwl. I’ve tried some AA and Smart meetings in the past with some success. I might add something similar back into my daily routine.

Glad I’m back to OTM! This will be the last time I have to come back with my tail tucked between my legs. Good to see things seem to still be going well for you!

Oglsby

I am SUPER IMPRESSED that you posted and were honest about your relapse, Bassett. Most of us have had them. I am also impressed at how fervently you want help. You can do it and keep posting here. Thanks for your post. It's one of many many that keep me vigilant in my own sobriety. WE HAVE YOUR BACK!! (((HUGS)))

samwitch

Hi BassetD, glad you are back, and glad to hear you are taking proactive steps to make sobriety stick, I know my therapist helped me get to a lot of underlying issues that I was masking by drinking. And your situation could be completely different but a well trained objective sounding board will be helpful for sure.

Reading books like Alcohol Explained and listening to sober podcasters helped me tremendously, they were the game changers for me. And I always include Andrew Huberman's podcast episode on alcohol as another "game-changer." But, I do gravitate to the science based theories of why we drink so YMMV.
As for the Naltrexone, I'd consider it strongly if I were you, it has solid data behind it. But again, your experience may be different as with any drug--something to consider for sure.

Just glad to see you and I wish you success!

FreeOwl

Thanks!! Yeah, things are going well indeed.

Today, I'm really kind of struggling. Not with drinking or using but with glum emotions, depression, an edge of 'restlessness, irritability and discontentment'. I'm not sure why but it's been a tough day.... Work is getting me down, the weather is grey and cold and glum, I'm dwelling on the weight of financial woes, my broken foot is aching, I have to travel this week and next, I'm not feeling healthy or strong or vibrant.....

Getting back to meetings has been really helpful these past couple months and has returned me some added motivation for staying sober. Reading the Big Book, listening to podcast on recovery, listening to old AA speaker meetings on YouTube, all of it has helped get me this far - along with returning to supervised medical support and medication for my depression and ADHD.

Anyway, we can manage through the challenging times and it's well worth it!

venuscat

"Today, I'm really kind of struggling. Not with drinking or using but with glum emotions, depression, an edge of 'restlessness, irritability and discontentment'. I'm not sure why but it's been a tough day.... Work is getting me down, the weather is grey and cold and glum, I'm dwelling on the weight of financial woes, my broken foot is aching, I have to travel this week and next, I'm not feeling healthy or strong or vibrant....."

Imagine if your perfectly-balanced healthy roommate who doesn't drink said this (for example, I am making this up ); what would you think?

I know I would think wow man, work is getting you down, money is a worry, your broken foot hurts and you have to travel next week? NOT surprising that that is weighing on you, because that is a lot. For anyone. For everyone.

So dearest Free, easy does it, and be gentle with yourself.
It sounds to me like you are doing sensationally and just feeling the stuff that comes with being human. s ❤️

venuscat

Dearest BD,

It is really important that your commitment to not drinking comes before the naltrexone. It is not a drug to mess around with, super-important to follow the exact instructions, including how many days you need to be sober before you start it.

I have the benefit of a lot of experience here, as my friend's father was one of the doctors who pioneered the drug. So my experience says talk to your doctor again and discuss this in detail. s

With you always, with love. ❤️

Dee74

If you search naltrexone here you'll find a lot of threads on it here BD.
It seems to work for some people and not others.

Best used in conjunction with abstinence in my opinion but unlike Antabuse it won't make you ill if you did drink.

D

BassetDog

Thank you all for welcoming me back, your words of support, and suggestions. I feel like I’ve read darn near every recovery book (Alchohol Explained 1 and 2, alan carr’s the easy way, rational recovery, unexpected joy of being sober, cold turkey: how to quit drinking by not drinking). Those books were all helpful so if anyone has other suggestions for one’s they have read, I definitely welcome the suggestion!

I also love podcasts so any good recovery podcast suggestion would awesome! Sam I will definitely listen to the one specific pod you mentioned. I have seen that guy on other podcasts I listen to and he seems incredibly smart and well researched.

I have that wonderful first day of quitting nausea right now and am really pissed at myself for getting back to this place. But, I’ll try to be as gentle on myself as I can and plan to hit the Peloton and some weights to work off the stress and anxiety I’m feeling. I will also check out the boards on here tonight about the Naltrexone.

Again, thank you all for your help today. I hope you have a great rest of your day! And I hope your foot heals quickly Free Owl! Dealing with foot/ankle injuries really sucks.