AJ143143

I just got sad these last 2 hours. Just thinking about that I never had kids … I’m 41 and alone. Friends yes but otherwise alone. I really wanted a family and I’m sad when I hear and see others creating memories with their children. I won’t drink over it. I did eat nachos over it today though. I’m really thankful for this group. I feel like I know everyone here and everyone really knows me. So thank you to all of you amazing souls. I just want to cuddle someone sometimes. Just be held and told it’s going to be ok. Logically, I know I’m just having a moment but it’s still good to go somewhere (here) and share.

Dee74

Hi AJ

I never had kids either, and now never will. It is what it is.

You're younger than I am tho...None of us knows what the future holds - keep working on your recovery and you'll find all kinds of opportunities - not just marriage and children - come springing up

D

VikingGF

Dee is right, AJ. You never know what’s up the road for you. It’s ok to be sad, but don’t think this is how you will always feel, and your life can be very different in a short amount of time. Be happy alone and then you will have something to offer another, you have lots of time. sending you a virtual hug.

Delilah1

Hi AJ,

Nachos and coming to post on SR sounds perfect! I am sorry you’re feeling so sad. My brother in law didn’t have kids and decided to be a CASA and is also investigating being a parent. There are also opportunities such as big brother programs. Kids overall mental wellness is increased 1x with every positive adult they have in their lives. There are lots of ways you can be one of those adults for kids who may not have other adults in their lives.

❤️ Delilah

Dee74

That's a great suggestion Delilah

D

Behappy1

I don't know if you like animals, but my two dogs are THE best! There are so many animals out there who need rescued. Or you could even volunteer at a dog shelter. In our area our SPCA's have dog "sleepovers". They provide all of the necessities for the dog and you can test him/her out for the weekend. You could also foster them. I live alone and my 2 are really what keeps me sane at times with their company.

Delilah1

I should have said foster parent in my previous post. 😊

Alpine

I don't have children either and there were times when I was pretty darn sad about it. I am at peace with it, although I am older than you..Not that that makes a difference. My feelings about that came and went and I needed to not focus on the fact that did not have children, I had to focus on what I did have in my life. Hope this day finds you well.

fishkiller

Glad you posted to get it of your chest.

My wife has no children. When she was about your age she had some issues and fixing them meant no chance ever of having any. It was hard of course but she is ok with it now.
Not everyone has kids.

My first wife and I have a daughter. While I wouldn't change that for the world we brought her into a toxic relationship that didn't last which was very unfair to her.
She made it through ok but a lot of kids don't manage well in those situations.

Not to mention my being wasted all the time back then.

Offthemast

Exactly this. It is hard not to compare ourselves to others, especially w social media and everybody putting out the good silverware, if you will. I'm a fairly normal dude and decent looking at 45 and those things evaded me as well. Now in all fairness I was kinda a mess in my 20s and I passed on quite a few people over the years thinking I deserved better. Truth is where I was at emotionally and with my habits, they deserved better. At this point it is in Gods hands and I will not settle for anyone that I cannot live without. Im pretty set in my ways at this point and fine with being alone. My main battle is with guilt that my parents did not get to be grandparents as my brother and his wife also did not have kids. That and the occasional feeling like a loser for not having a family.

Like Alpine said, I have to focus on what I do have. And that is a lot. I am spending this time working on myself. What a gift sobriety is turning out to be. No telling what can come of that and I am clear minded, excited, and most importantly unfettered to take it on and see where it goes. I'm sure those with families love everything that comes with them and would not trade it but there is a part of them that wishes they had the opportunities we have to go and do whatever we would like to do whenever we would like to do them.

Keep your chin up AJ.

tursiops999

AJ, I'm sorry you did not get to have kids, though you wanted them. I was in the same spot at 41. It is a very real and painful loss, and deserves to be grieved fully.

Just to add to what others have said though, one never knows how life will turn out. I did end up remarrying and had (adult) stepkids with whom I formed a lovely friendship. Those stepkids have gone on to have kids, and guess what, I'm a hands-on grandma now --- babysitting, feeding, burping, diapers, stroller walks, reading before bedtime, the whole bit. Chosen family can be every bit as satisfying and meaningful as biological family. I would never have predicted it.

But 20 years ago, I had to take some time to grieve the loss of the family life I had hoped to have, that was not going to be. Hugs to you.

Hevyn

Hi AJ. I'm so glad you wanted to come here to talk about this. I love the responses you have.

I agree with those who said we never know what's waiting down the road for us. You are young (trust me on this ) and there's still plenty of time for unexpected things to happen. Especially now that you're sober & clear headed. I hope your sad feeling has lifted.