Cartman

Years of sobriety intermixed with "fall harder each time" periods of near lethal benders and then getting sober has been tough. But what has been far worse over the passage of time is the increased cringe factor that results from a near constant honest self assessment. It leads to a very dark and depressing (can't get out of bed) state. Life events that would make anyone happy have no effect in blunting this overwhelming conclusion that I am a terrible person --- that I have trashed what could have been valuable and positive lifetime relationships, that I have been a terrible friend and a terrible workmate and a terrible citizen. I cannot blame alcohol for any of what I have done...maybe that's the worst part of sobriety. At least when I am using I can blame the addiction but in the sober light of day it's really that I am a despicable person. This then translates into intense paranoia about how I was and am viewed by everyone in my life, no matter when and where and no matter what their role. I feel very exposed in every situation and desperately want to escape to where life's harsh reality is blunted and muted with a strong buzz. This is not a pity party (although it certainly reads like one). It is not a "moment of clarity"...it is 24/7 (including dreaming) objective assessment that I am, deep down, an unfunny Michael Scott...a clown, a charlatan, a vapid waste. That's the toughest part of sobriety for me. In previous years of sobriety I was so busy in life plotting and planning and climbing the ladder that I had little time to reflect....now that life has slowed down and I am in the sunset it is truly frightening when I consider the prospect of endless sober and unvarnished reflection that I cannot turn off, cannot blunt and most importantly cannot blame on alcohol but instead just on my deeds, my actions, my intentions. My legacy is a trail of people who wish they had never met me -- materially successful by every measure, but as we know, that is no solace in the end. The sincere posts on this site from folks whose lives have improved through recovery is heartwarming to read...they are truly the lucky ones. Sobriety is a cold, lonely, dark place and my conclusion is that it is my personal penance (sentence) for a life of misadventure and void behavior. I wish someone had taught me to build a worthwhile legacy that counteract the flaws we all have.

pline

Oh man......I could have written this. In the small hours of the night.

Cartman, I guess you're at the point where you are drinking to just stop feeling and thinking like this. Which really is the point to try and get off the drinking.
I'm only amateur hour sober at this point. But mood and outlook is way better.
Try it, give it a go. A rough week to withdraw, then this awful depression will begin to lift and maybe the scenery will start and look a little better.

I'm sure there will be people here way more able to offer support and advice.

Hope to see you around on here.
All the best.

Zencat

Welcome to SR. Sorry your having a depression episode Cartman.

I lost my direction as a young teen. I can't even imagine the countless misguided attempts I made to make something respectable about myself. Decades of missed opportunities, procrastination, wrong influences, did not learn from my own mistakes, and the list of failures can go on for miles.

I too am in the 'sunset' phase of my life. I only recently have quit drugs like alcohol. I can not go back and fix my past. I have found a way to live with my ragged past at peace.

Know that your past doesn't define who you are. You can grow, develop into the person you wanted and need to be.

Dee74

Hi and welcome to SR -I moved your theead here for more response.

yes, I felt that way for several months like this bleak sober existence was, if not my punishment, at least a well-deserved life without joy.
Things got better

How long have you been sober Cartman?

Klio

Welcome, Cartman​​! Hope things start easing up for you. You did the right thing by reaching out and being honest.

I am at a low spot too approaching the sunset part of life and it's dreadful facing it alone. May I suggest church, recovery meetings, finding a meaningful cause where you can contribute and be of service to others. If nothing comes to mind, you could start with simple volunteering.

Eddiebuckle

Catman,

One of the first AA speakers I heard said, "I am not my past... I am my choices today." That was over a decade ago, and from time to time I still need to remind myself about that. You want different? Be different, without expectations of admiration or accolades. Regardless of your past actions, in time people will see you for who you are by how you are - including you.

Offthemast

Let God take that burden away. The past is the past. Live in the now and embrace the future. You got another chance Brother that a lot of people do not get. Time to ditch your Saul and embrace your Paul. Time to write your masterpiece. Good luck dude!

p.s. I bet you are a great dude with a bunch to offer.

Surrendered19

Hi Cartman and welcome to SR.

Near the end of my drinking days I had driven everyone out of my life. I was not safe to be around - a crazy liability who only spread uncertainty, pain, pathetic scenes. I was awash in morose thoughts like you are now.

I can promise you this though - your ACTIONS will clear the fog that is in your mind and around you as a person, and people will start to trust you again. You cannot talk your way out of this one my friend. If you are like so many of us, your words became untrustworthy a long time ago. But your actions is what people will see now.

I also discovered some difficult but beautiful things about relationships. Once I was sober and through my ACTIONS began to rebuild trust, the good people in my life who loved me then and love me now came right back, even the ones I had done and said terrible things to. Many other "relationships" revealed themselves, in my newly discovered sober and healthy light, to have always been one-way streets and thus not real healthy relationships to begin with. That was hard cheese to swallow, but in the end the truth is always best. It frees you.

Sober, you can live a rich life full of connection and deep meaning, but the first word of this sentence is the only way that will happen - sober. It is a condition precedent to a normal, healthy, quiet and peaceful life. We don't drink anymore Cartman. Simple as that.

I hope you stick around Cartman and let us know how things are going.

Cartman

Thank you...All of this is encouraging...and most day seven a small nano nudge of encouragement goes a long way. The mathematics of feeling valued and feeling despair are not linear but instead logarithmic. I will try to focus on micro steps with people....being sober means it is easier for me to be sincere when I thank someone (most often a total stranger I will never see again) at a counter or in a conversation. When loaded, appreciation was a tool I used to get something else I wanted (...usually another drink). I recall staying at a hotel that had free wine tasting each night at 5pm...of course I was right on it but disappointed that it was metered out by a staff acting as "bartender". I went back for a 4th glass in less than 30 minutes and she said "whoa...slow down, we don't want to be picking you up off the floor". Stunned and angered...I "thanked her" for reminding me and offered an insincere comment about jet lag. I then went back to my room, logged on and left a scathing review of the property and staff on a popular hotel rating APP. What a terrible thing to do. I also think about the hotel rooms I trashed (..."NO SERVICE" as a permanent sign on my door way before COVID) over the course of days with empties left everywhere...only to slink out of the hotel with on line checkout. Now I actually straighten the room to near where it was when I entered. It is a micro gesture and it does little for my overwhelming sense of guilt, shame and worthlessness...but it is something. Thanks again.

ToughChoices

We have all been terrible and wonderful. I’m often both in the same evening!

If, when looking back, you dislike the view, your best bet is to face forward and walk confidently in a new direction.

Not all relationships can be restored, but I believe one’s relationship with oneself is always capable of restoration. That requires a mental, emotional, and spiritual shift. It requires a willingness to accept consequences as part of our path.

Messing up is human. You are not unique in your mess. You are capable of cleaning some stuff up, though! And being proud of your progress.

novips

I am reminded of some of the promises in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which affirm that if we fully commit to the recovery program of A.A., then:

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear."

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

overforty

I could have written something like that myself Cartman.
I don't have much advice to offer as I am only 80 days into sobriety with a strong urge to drink because of most of the reasons you have given and many different ones and because I want to!
All I know is that feeling better is not inside of whatever the drug of your choice is - getting better is a process and the wise folk on here will be able to explain it in a much better way that I can.
Many of them have told me that all it takes for now is not picking up that first drink because you know where that leads - to more suffering.
Its so hard and coming here is a good first step towards getting the life you want.

Hevyn

Very glad to have you with us, Cartman

I like what ToughChoices said - We have all been terrible and wonderful.
I think about things I did decades ago & it astonishes me that I ever behaved that way. I have to remind myself that the drunk me is not the authentic me.
When I first got sober the memories of past behavior nearly led me back to drinking - they were so hard to face. We can't keep torturing ourselves.

If you were truly the horrible person you accuse yourself of being - you wouldn't be caring about the past. Be kind to yourself. You're never alone.

venuscat

Exactly—what Hev said.

The other thing I wanted to say is that no matter where we have been, we have a choice here and now to do better, to be better. I have spent years despising myself for the things that I did, and I also thought that I was a terrible person. I didn't even think I was worthy of redemption. But you know what I discovered? That was the alcohol talking, and it is a liar, as we all know. s

SnoozyQ

Cartman WHOA.
Ease up a little on yourself buddy. most of us here have been where you are , or at least to some degree anyhow.
The scathing write up you have given yourself is called GUILT ,in a nutshell.
pits a hideous feeling and one I know very well, which was like a vicious cycle as the guilt made me drink even more once I had sober days and clarity of thought.

we can’t change any of that. We just have to work on getting a different mindset ( easier said than done , I know )

reflection is hard but we can’t change anything we did from our drinking days, we can only try to do better.

Give yourself a break and try to let go of things you can’t change, god knows I wish I bloody could, but we can’t go back.

You sound articulate, intelligent and I think there could be a wry humour in the to keep you going. Please forgive yourself, you’re acknowledging things ( awful things ) you did , which probably 90% of us here have done at one point.

yes, I still suffer from the guilt syndrome, especially regarding my kids and not being the best mother I could have been.

Joy is out there for you and you are NOT a bad person. That was the drinking you. The real you is your clarity of thought now and being who you truly are and can be going forward.
You deserve a second chance , we all do.

sending you love and some well deserved peace


xxxxx

Steely

I agree with everything that has been said Cartman. And I love your name. Reminds me of a poem from my childhood, "The Icecart", forget who wrote it. About an office worker watching the icecart from his dreary office window. It's hot, and he dreams of the cool. Just like us I think.

When we stop drinking we change Cartman. Sure, we put in the work necessary for change, but for me it has been subtle, as well. Unprovoked change, that happened all by itself. Evolving.

You are not a terrible person Cartman. Terrible people protest such views of themselves, they refuse to look. To see.

So here we all are. Good people trying to get well. And all it took, was to put down the bottle to let the process unfold.

And unfold it will, with all of the ups and downs that a real life offers, dictates. It's life, and it's good.

Sober is beautiful when you look at it straight in the eye Cartman. And that's what you're doing right now. But we can only do it if we are sober.

Sounds like a good deal to me. I'm in.

To the fore!

Anna

Cartman, I found the hardest thing about recovery was in the early days, facing things I'd done and people I'd hurt, while sober. It will get better and you will begin to see the positives in yourself and your life. Believe that this part of recovery is just hard, but essential to moving on to a peaceful life.

Zencat

Small progress is progress nonetheless, good work Cartman

Small actions add up to something big according how the world works.

Recement, depression. anxiety, loss of self-worth all have treatments. Finding the right treatments that will work for you will require a totai a commitment to the recovery/wellness process. Nothing is guaranteed in life but know hope conquers all problems in life.

brighterday1234

You won’t always feel this way. My experience, and seeing that of others who have recovered from alcoholism, shows me this. Programs of recovery such as the 12 steps of AA can help to start the healing process and eventually change one’s psyche into a different perspective on life 🙏

Shamrock51

Cartman,

What I will add to this is I drank since I was a late teen and now I am in my early 50s. I have been sober for 3 years. Just like I imagine a person with a terminal cancer diagnosis lives, all I can tell you is the amazing things that have happened in THREE years overshadows all of the years of pain. They have not flown by. They have been AMAZING and every single day is a blessing. But....you must do the work and you have to rack up the sober time. Dig deep because this is about you now, not your regrets. You, too, can have what we who are sober have found in sobriety. It is not an easy road but it is a road to peace.