I want to leave my family
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 23
I want to leave my family
I’m 11 days sober & I’m loaded with anger. I am married & have 2 kids (21 & 18). My oldest & I fight & bicker pretty much every day. Yesterday he told me to go drink my feelings away, even though he knows I am currently not drinking. Obviously, I have damaged him. Regardless, I can’t stand his attitude, his laziness, his entitlement, etc. He currently does not have a job, and he failed ALL of his classes this past semester. I want to leave and not look back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Eleven days sober is way early and I really don't think it's possible to completely gain control over emotions for the first 3-6 months. It took me at least a couple months to be able to be involved in dramatic relationships.
I wanted to crawl out of my own skin at eleven days. If anyone even said the word, "You," to me I was ready to fight til the death. I think the emotional roller coaster is normal for this stage of your withdrawal. It's a huge life change...for all of you.
Do you think leaving would fix the relationship? I mean, hopefully staying is the better choice? Relationships do take a beating when someone in the family is a heavy drinker.
Can you just leave the house for a couple hours - or ask him to? I would try to find a way to put some boundaries around the intensity of the interactions at least. Like no yelling or slamming doors - if anyone does that or anything physical they need a time out, so hopefully you both can agree on some civil disagreement as you both work through this difficult time.
I wanted to crawl out of my own skin at eleven days. If anyone even said the word, "You," to me I was ready to fight til the death. I think the emotional roller coaster is normal for this stage of your withdrawal. It's a huge life change...for all of you.
Do you think leaving would fix the relationship? I mean, hopefully staying is the better choice? Relationships do take a beating when someone in the family is a heavy drinker.
Can you just leave the house for a couple hours - or ask him to? I would try to find a way to put some boundaries around the intensity of the interactions at least. Like no yelling or slamming doors - if anyone does that or anything physical they need a time out, so hopefully you both can agree on some civil disagreement as you both work through this difficult time.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Yeah, 11 days is great, but still in that highly emotional period. It took me a few weeks before I began to see things a bit more clearly. As Bim said, try to find a time when you and your son are both calm and have a discussion. I'm glad you made the choice to stop drinking and have faith that things will improve.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 23
Thank you for the replies.
I won’t leave. I’m calm on the outside. I’m not tempted to drink. In fact, I feel pretty good in general. I’m just so very angry at him!! I have been increasingly angry with him for a couple years, & our relationship has become very toxic. Last night I was in bed trying to sleep & it was almost midnight. Next thing I knew we were fighting because I won’t won’t let him use MY car today! I had told him SIX OR SEVEN hours earlier that due to his rudeness & disrespect he lost the privilege of using my car today. Well, I guess he forgot or wasn’t listening, & was mad at ME for messing up his plans! Turned into an ugly yelling fight & me getting out of bed, & telling him he can move out of MY house!! My husband is out of town & this would NEVER happen if he were here. Our son never opens his mouth around his dad because he has respect or (maybe fear?) of him. My husband says “do this” or “do that”, & the reply is a simple “ok”. When I speak, it is 90% an argument or fight! I am starting to feel such hatred towards him! How can a mother feel that????
I won’t leave. I’m calm on the outside. I’m not tempted to drink. In fact, I feel pretty good in general. I’m just so very angry at him!! I have been increasingly angry with him for a couple years, & our relationship has become very toxic. Last night I was in bed trying to sleep & it was almost midnight. Next thing I knew we were fighting because I won’t won’t let him use MY car today! I had told him SIX OR SEVEN hours earlier that due to his rudeness & disrespect he lost the privilege of using my car today. Well, I guess he forgot or wasn’t listening, & was mad at ME for messing up his plans! Turned into an ugly yelling fight & me getting out of bed, & telling him he can move out of MY house!! My husband is out of town & this would NEVER happen if he were here. Our son never opens his mouth around his dad because he has respect or (maybe fear?) of him. My husband says “do this” or “do that”, & the reply is a simple “ok”. When I speak, it is 90% an argument or fight! I am starting to feel such hatred towards him! How can a mother feel that????
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: west falls, ny
Posts: 602
Omg Hiding!
My adult daughter calls me daily to tell me about how my grandkids are driving her nuts.
My one granddaughter totaled my daughter's car, etc,etc,etc.
I get mad too just hearing it, sometimes it's just painful!
Luckily things have calmed down lately.
Frankly when my kids were teenagers they were just brutal at times.
Your eleven days is awesome!
AV probably just loves teenagers!
Just remember, tough times don't last, tough people do.
Everything will be alright and work out in the end.
My adult daughter calls me daily to tell me about how my grandkids are driving her nuts.
My one granddaughter totaled my daughter's car, etc,etc,etc.
I get mad too just hearing it, sometimes it's just painful!
Luckily things have calmed down lately.
Frankly when my kids were teenagers they were just brutal at times.
Your eleven days is awesome!
AV probably just loves teenagers!
Just remember, tough times don't last, tough people do.
Everything will be alright and work out in the end.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
After reading you post, thoughts popped in my head
and then Dr. Phil. I use to watch him back in the day,
and recall some of the shows of him helping families
going thru daily situations. Troubling situations. Addictions,
struggles etc.
In my mind I could hear him saying something about
kids that are similar to the age of yours and still living
at home. He would go on to say that they are adults now
and should be out of the house, working and supporting
themselves giving the parents finally time to themselves.
Anyway, like many, I was a stay at home mom and
thru a family intervention 30 something yrs ago, was
sent to a rehab facility for my alcohol addiction.
I stay there leaving my 2 little ones in good care with
family so that I could complete a 28 day there before
returning home and completing a court order with a
6 week outpatient after care program.
There were concerns for me returning to my little
family freshly sober with lots of issues and emotions
needing to be worked out.
I continued on with my recovery by attending
AA meetings, Big Book Studies, Step meetings
and surrounding myself with recovery support
all the while with finding balance with raising
my little family.
From the moment i got into recovery and accepted
my addiction and began applying a program as a
guideline to living a sober life, I never found it necessary,
no matter how difficult life got, to pick up a drink
of alcohol to help solve those problems or situations.
I hope you continue to seek support for your recovery
so that you can achieve continuous sobriety and seek
happiness and serenity as you move forward in your own
life.
and then Dr. Phil. I use to watch him back in the day,
and recall some of the shows of him helping families
going thru daily situations. Troubling situations. Addictions,
struggles etc.
In my mind I could hear him saying something about
kids that are similar to the age of yours and still living
at home. He would go on to say that they are adults now
and should be out of the house, working and supporting
themselves giving the parents finally time to themselves.
Anyway, like many, I was a stay at home mom and
thru a family intervention 30 something yrs ago, was
sent to a rehab facility for my alcohol addiction.
I stay there leaving my 2 little ones in good care with
family so that I could complete a 28 day there before
returning home and completing a court order with a
6 week outpatient after care program.
There were concerns for me returning to my little
family freshly sober with lots of issues and emotions
needing to be worked out.
I continued on with my recovery by attending
AA meetings, Big Book Studies, Step meetings
and surrounding myself with recovery support
all the while with finding balance with raising
my little family.
From the moment i got into recovery and accepted
my addiction and began applying a program as a
guideline to living a sober life, I never found it necessary,
no matter how difficult life got, to pick up a drink
of alcohol to help solve those problems or situations.
I hope you continue to seek support for your recovery
so that you can achieve continuous sobriety and seek
happiness and serenity as you move forward in your own
life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 23
Again, I thank those who have replied & offered words of encouragement & support. I feel no need to pick up a drink over this….or anything else for that matter. I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi hiding. There are a couple of things you can try that might help you.
First of all, "no" is a complete sentence. You never need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain). It takes two to argue, so try not to be drawn.
Secondly, gray rock. That's a technique where you distance yourself a bit. When your child says something and you don't want to be drawn in, answers like "uh huh", that's interesting, "you may be right" etc are good to use. Have some ready so you won't get drawn in each time.
First of all, "no" is a complete sentence. You never need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain). It takes two to argue, so try not to be drawn.
Secondly, gray rock. That's a technique where you distance yourself a bit. When your child says something and you don't want to be drawn in, answers like "uh huh", that's interesting, "you may be right" etc are good to use. Have some ready so you won't get drawn in each time.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Eleven days is was just the beginning of my mental strain.
I was heavily addicted and needed booze to feel normal.
Everything bothered me, kids included.
I suffered hard and I used every technique I learned here, the web, and AA.
Now staying clean is easier. The whole world is easier.
Dealing with my disrespectful 19 year old is easier.
So, I say stay clean by any means. Relapse resets the process but from a deeper level of hell. It is exponential.
Each relapse is harder and hard to break free of. Some folks never get free.
It is horrible. I saw a guy last night drinking a beer standing in line for a rock show.
He was guzzling it. I could tell he was either drunk already or had some sort of brain damage. He looked dazed.
That is not my idea of living anymore.
Addiction lies.
Stay clean sir.
Thanks for the therapy.
I was heavily addicted and needed booze to feel normal.
Everything bothered me, kids included.
I suffered hard and I used every technique I learned here, the web, and AA.
Now staying clean is easier. The whole world is easier.
Dealing with my disrespectful 19 year old is easier.
So, I say stay clean by any means. Relapse resets the process but from a deeper level of hell. It is exponential.
Each relapse is harder and hard to break free of. Some folks never get free.
It is horrible. I saw a guy last night drinking a beer standing in line for a rock show.
He was guzzling it. I could tell he was either drunk already or had some sort of brain damage. He looked dazed.
That is not my idea of living anymore.
Addiction lies.
Stay clean sir.
Thanks for the therapy.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,945
Hi Hiding, sounds so frustrating, but go easy on yourself too. You’re 11 days in (well done!) and that’s not an easy time. Any issue will be magnified right now. Don’t make any big decision at this vulnerable time. You’ve got the rest of your life (hopefully sober) and you’ll see that long-term sober decisions are the best ones. Sorry you’re having stress at a time when you need to be focusing on your sobriety. To not drink so far is already doing well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Location: Near the mountains
Posts: 1,542
Sometimes I feel like my family is testing me on purpose just because I'm trying to stay sober. I'm sure it's probably just me interpreting things in a different light. Either way, drinking isn't going to make anything easier in the long run.
Stick to your guns and stay sober.
Stick to your guns and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Your kids are old enough to be left for a couple of nights alone if you feel you need to protect your sobriety and go elsewhere - like to a friends or a hotel.
Although if you went to a hotel and might be tempted to drink, then maybe choose somewhere else.
Maybe a Spa break if you can afford it?
I don't know if you are attending AA, but going to a meeting is a way of getting out of the house for an hour and a bit.
You often hear AA people say "I need a meeting" and I say it myself and I'm nearly 11 years sober.
When I feel like that, I go and then you hear other peoples hardships and realise you are not on your own.
Sharing is so therapeutic too.
Its like getting it off your chest.
If you don't want to go to a physical meeting, you can attend online group.
There are lists on online meeting times and days and links to attend online.
I have a teenager and there are times she drives me up the wall with her sense of entitlement.
If I am pushed enough, I stop doing her washing, picking up after her, no lifts, no pocket money, no take away. The list is endless!! It soon hits home.
We talk about boundaries a lot here at SR.
It might be time to set some boundaries and rules with your kids.
Not having a source of income at the age of 21 is not acceptable.
Not contributing at the age of 21 is also not acceptable.
He could work at a car wash or a store.
He could be making the evening meal every night.
Bring him back down to earth.
You are doing amazing.
It won't always be this hard I promise.
Keep coming here and don't let anyone, especially your kids, take away your achievements from you.
I wish you the best
Although if you went to a hotel and might be tempted to drink, then maybe choose somewhere else.
Maybe a Spa break if you can afford it?
I don't know if you are attending AA, but going to a meeting is a way of getting out of the house for an hour and a bit.
You often hear AA people say "I need a meeting" and I say it myself and I'm nearly 11 years sober.
When I feel like that, I go and then you hear other peoples hardships and realise you are not on your own.
Sharing is so therapeutic too.
Its like getting it off your chest.
If you don't want to go to a physical meeting, you can attend online group.
There are lists on online meeting times and days and links to attend online.
I have a teenager and there are times she drives me up the wall with her sense of entitlement.
If I am pushed enough, I stop doing her washing, picking up after her, no lifts, no pocket money, no take away. The list is endless!! It soon hits home.
We talk about boundaries a lot here at SR.
It might be time to set some boundaries and rules with your kids.
Not having a source of income at the age of 21 is not acceptable.
Not contributing at the age of 21 is also not acceptable.
He could work at a car wash or a store.
He could be making the evening meal every night.
Bring him back down to earth.
You are doing amazing.
It won't always be this hard I promise.
Keep coming here and don't let anyone, especially your kids, take away your achievements from you.
I wish you the best
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