cerd2000

It's a long time since I last posted here.

I'm in my early 30s, male and I just managed a streak of 8 months of sobriety.

During those 8 months I got a new job and moved to another city. Even made some new friends which was so hard because of my alcohol/depression – induced anxiety. I left my comfort zone and eventually suceeded to my surprise – against all my worries.

The new job is also the reason why I relapsed. It's a very stressful job and I'm constantly worried I will get fired if I don't work hard enough. I can't risk getting fired and further worsening my already bad CV. I wasted so many years of my life already. I have 9-10 years of bad experiences with jobs, during Covid I got unemployed and even had to move in with my parents again due to financial problems. I don't want any of this again.

I had some severe work-related problems the last 2 months and was worried I will get fired any moment.

I'm on 2 psychiatric medications (daily 30 mg of mirtazapine and 0.5 mg Xanax as an insurance only in cases of immediate emergency/panic attacks). My doctor of course, warned me to not mix alcohol with those drugs, especially not with the Xanax.

My job got so stressful and tedious that I eventually relapsed. In my crazy brain, that knew all about the addiction process by first experience, I thought that alcohol would „ease off“ my anxiety/worries and would actually help me to continue to work.

The short summary of that crazy thought is that one Wednesday I started to drink „just 1-2 beers“ and eventually ended up completely hammered. Since then I'm completely hooked again. It's been 2 weeks and I'm drinking daily. Everyday 4-7 beers. Might not sound a lot to many alcoholics, but it's steadily increasing. I'm surprised that I'm still able to work, not a single day of sick leave yet.

Now I feel like I'm back on square one again. From what I read in this forum, I'm still young (even though I don't feel like it) and still should feel lucky to fight my alcohol addiction at such an early age (?).

However, now I actually feel the complete opposite. I messed up 8 months of sobriety. I risk financial ruin again. With every drink my already-treated depression returns even stronger. I miserably failed. I just feel like so ashamed for what I did. I could just go on drinking forever. This drug is so powerful. I was in charge of my depression and anxiety and now because of the alcohol it returned full-force again.

Once you digest the alcohol, it takes hold of you and you can't stop it you just have to continue because you think it might help your brain and thoughts which is just so utterly false.

What did you do after your first big relapse?

Anna

You try again and make a plan to help prevent another relapse. What can you add to your recovery program to help prevent a relapse? You could keep reminding yourself that your AV is lying to you. I have depression and anxiety too, and it was SO much worse when I was drinking. Remind yourself every day that you're feeling better when sober. Don't continue to be hard on yourself right now because that will likely lead you to continue drinking. Focus on getting sober.

Dee74

Hi Cerd

the good news is you're not back at square one.
Everything you learned and gained in those 8 months is still there

Think of this as Recovery 2.0.

If stress and anxiety is your nemesis, you can work out ways to tackle those and stay sober

welcome back
​​​​​​​​​​​​​​D

ToughChoices

Hi!

I relapsed at 9 months, too, so I can identify. I felt intense shame for my decision to drink, but my months in recovery (and the great folks here) reminded me that drinking would NOT alleviate the shame. The only way out was through.

So I made a Big Plan. I abandoned my secret obsession with the escape of alcohol/drug use. I went to more AA meetings. I re-worked the 12 Steps, joined a class here, read and listened to a ton of Quit Lit, and began a daily meditation practice. I began to really believe that my BEST life was a sober life - and I want the BEST.

My relapse convinced me of the severity of my situation. It changed my desire. I believe my HP used it to convict me of true Power (and my lack, thereof).

I will never drink/drug again, and I will never change my mind.

You can see this as an opportunity for salvation or defeat. I vote for salvation. You can do it.

Farrier

If you don't have to have that job, get rid of it. If the job and its stresses are triggers, you'll end up drinking again to the point that might lose it anyway. I'm 9 months sober and just now went back to work full time about 1 month ago. I tried like hell to replace a high paying job like I had before and all it did was bring me stress that I didn't want. So I settled for a no brainer part time job that was sorta fun and I kept it, surviving on peanut butter and jelly, beans and rice et cetera. Then out of nowhere, a full time job landed in my lap and I look forward to work everyday. If you can afford to, walk away from that job and put your sobriety first.

AJ143143

I know the feeling. I have had 2 months, 3 months ect. My relapses thankfully have been 1 day - a few weeks (one time) and I have been able to get back on the horse. You have today. You can choose today to just say no more and get back on that horse. I just recently drank for 4 days (it was also caused by work stress/travel for work )… I thankfully didnt do anything over the top of get hammered but I’m only on day 4 and feel so relieved already. You can do this. Your mind can do this. Your body can do this. Once you make that choice again to go back to sobriety … you will feel better

Radix

My guess is that when you got sober 8 months ago, you felt deeply better about yourself and you told yourself some truths about how alcohol was damaging, truths that very sincerely resonated within you. It was like the blinders were off and you saw truth for the first time. You felt reborn.

All those truths are still true. When you stop this time, you'll feel good about yourself again, and all those truths will still be true. The craving part of your brain is trying to talk you out of it, but the craving brain doesn't know anything, it just wants alcohol. Stop drinking, and you'll be back to that good place again, in touch with your values, and doing what your true self would do. As Dee said above, this time around, you'll be doing it with even more wisdom.

All the best.

nez

Use the experience and knowledge gained from the relapse as you move forward.

DriGuy

Cerd, I hope you find permanent sobriety. Your story is all to common in the alcoholic community, and thanks for he post. It's a must read for newcomers that aren't convinced they need to take permanent abstinence seriously.

J50

As far as your job goes, have you spoken to your supervisor? You may not be doing as bad a job as you think, and if there are issues with your performance it's better for you to be proactive and approach them so they can come up with a game plan to help you succeed.

FiveTries

What did I do after my first big relapse?

I kept on drinking for another decade plus. With a few periods of brief sobriety thrown in there. Maybe a couple months... not years.

I can't recommend the path that I took.

cerd2000

I'm still drinking daily now after the relapse. Still in this same rut.

The central point which led to my relapse was definitely my new job.

The background story for better understanding: I was either unemployed or working in bad paying jobs for 10 years throughout all my 20s. Financially relying on the state or on my parents.

I have a Master's degree and scored above-average high on IQ tests (tested by a military psychiatrist at age 18), but was so far never able to use this skill due to my conditions (depression, anxiety and addiction) which is probably the biggest regret I'm accusing myself almost every single day.

I know I can't change the past but almost everyday I'm accusing myself of this wasted potential and as a consequence, think that I excatly deserved the fate that I got.

Basically I'm overqualified for the stressful job I'm doing now, but kept to it because I need the money and the work experience. I put so much hope in this new job I finally got 2022 and when I realized that it's not at all what I hoped for, I was so disappointed and physically/mentally stressed that I eventually snapped and relapsed 2 weeks ago.

I financially can't afford to quit either, unless I move in back with my parents again which would be a big set-back.

I don't know what to do now? I don't want to risk messing up my CV by quitting, but on the other hand I know this job is very unhealthy for me and will probably lead to further alcohol relapses?

Ideally I wish to just quit, move to another city and just start all over again. New job, new flat, new AA circle, making new friends. Everything new on a clean slate. That's what I would want to do. Really don't know to what to do, though.

I thought about continueing working, spend as little as possible and save as much as possible until I saved 5-10k $ and then quit and move and start over like I just desribed. But I don't know if I will mentally manage that? Any concrete thoughts and recommended course of actions?

Dee74

personally I think you need to stop drinking before you think about anything else.
We often think "I need to do this and this and that before I can really stop drinking" and its not the case.

I couldn't change anything as long as I was chained to drinking.

Clear that problem and I think you'll be able to make better determinations on where you want to be and how to get there.

D

Anna

Cerd, before you decide to quit your job and move to start your life over, be sure of yourself. You know the expression 'Wherever I go, there I am." I'm not suggesting it would be a bad idea, just be sure before you commit to moving. And, I think stopping drinking and getting some recovery time before you make the decision would be the best.

RecklessDrunk

We don't drink because of stress, we drink because we are alcoholics. If we wait until we the find the right job, the right significant other, etc. , the obsession or alcoholic voice will just continue to drag us around like a rag doll.

Its not like you wasted 8 months, its 8 months of your life that you took back. Its a glimpse of what recovery can be. Stress is something we choose to feel. Its like we can feel too much stress and over think the situation. Or drink and blow it off and not feel the stress at all.. Until we come to and then the anxiety is dialed up to 11. We alcoholics get completely of balance with our emotions.

Start with what you have. What is there to be grateful for. An income, you are out of your parents place. Especially if you are single it can be pretty hard to make it these.days with the cost of living. You were doing it, you were on your way.

Take it one day at a time. Decades of drinking put holes in my career potential. Its the price we have to pay. I'm doing kind of pretty good, could've been a lot more. You are a bit younger so you can dig yourself out and probably be even better off.

Face the job one day at a time. All that matters is that you do your best each day. If you go down then go down doing your best. These things take care of themselves one way or another. Control what you can control. Let go of the rest and what happens, happens. Don't fear it. If they fire you then its God's will, the spirit of the universe or whatever it just wasn't meant to be. So you deal with the next situation. You do the next right thing.

Like shawshank redemption where the guy digs out a little piece of the wall each day. You can do this

You may want to consider AA meetings This actually might be a great situation to learn the steps and how to apply them.

Runswithspoons

This might be an opportunity to figure out the employer that can allow and help you be the best version of yourself. I know it sounds pollyanish, but was my experience.

ToughChoices

RecklessDrunk!

What an awesome, spot-on, understanding, helpful post!

My previous job was significantly higher earning, but very stressful. God pipe-bombed that whole part of my life and brought me to my knees in order to deal with my addiction.

People at my current job constantly joke about how hard and stressful it can be (“everyone cries!”), but the Steps have changed my perception of stress so greatly, it doesn’t register as anything but physically demanding.

OP, you CAN succeed in your current setting, or in another. When I am sober, humble, and nose-to-the-grindstone during work hours, God guarantees me a type of success. End the alcohol so the miracle can happen.

There is no success on your current path, and you deserve success.

Mizz

Sobriety is not linear for most people. You have not failed. Unfortunately relapses are a part of the journey. A series of learning. Commit to sobriety today. Today is the only day that matters. Take it one day at a time. Perhaps you need more tools for your toolbelt.

Sober tool ideas:
Start a thread here and use it to be accountable every day
Join the 24 hr thread
Join a sober community outside of the forum (AA, SMART recovery, LIFERING. etc)
Take up an exercise routine in the mornings or evenings.
Find a new hobby
Rejoin or discover your spiritual path

All is not lost here. You can change your life. You have the power to do so. Believe in yourself and your mission to be sober.

VikingGF

Hi, cerd. Since you have already done this before, you know that once you stop drinking for a little while, everything is easier. Right now, while actively drinking, managing a difficult job is challenging and will become impossible, making your possible loss of it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stop drinking, catch your breath and then make some decisions. The only move that will change your life right now is putting down the drink. You can do this- and it is so good that you came back here. There are other jobs, you will find the right one, but that is not the biggest issue in your world right now.

Leana

So ironically your relapse will probably stop the job stress because if you keep it up you will get fired. Why the self-sabotage? Maybe you are trying to control your destiny rather than having the employer do it for you? You got fired because you were drinking not because you were not good at your job?

Maybe it is time to find a job that is a better fit for you. A job that doesn't stress you to the point of relapse. Find a balance in your life. And FYI- You are in your early 30's. Stop thinking you wasted your life. Now if in 40 years you are still posting this same thing- well- then maybe. Just look forward. Stop reliving what you didn't do right and start looking at what you CAN control!