Coping with hard times
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 126
Coping with hard times
Got some very bad news this week. Relates to a close family member having a brain tumour. I think I'm still in shock / processing it. I've not had a drink since October 22, but I'm worried about how I'll cope with the situation that lies ahead of me. Do you have any advice on how to deal with tough times while maintaining early sobriety?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Gosh, John, I'm really sorry to hear this news. Understandably this will be a tough time for you. Try to focus on being available and sober for your family member. This will be a time when you are needed. Journalling might help you deal with the emotions you are experiencing right now. Best wishes for your family member.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
Oh no, sorry John. There would never be a good time for such awful news, and it’s come at a tricky point in your recovery. Rather than state the obvious that drink won’t help you or your family member (it will make things worse), I’ll recall when my dad died (at a very old age and expected) when I was 8 months sober. I was desperate for a drink for just that one night. I don’t think he even knew I’d quit, but he’d have been upset to think his passing would’ve led to me relapsing. If you relapse, you could potentially burden your family member with that guilt. Also when both my parents were aging and unwell, I was sober and far more able to help. Looking back, I did all I could, which is something I wouldn’t be able to say if I’d been drinking. Be strong for yourself and your family member at this stressful time. Really sorry again, John.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I was in relative early sobriety when I found out my sister had a brain tumor. Critical surgery needed. Family rushed to her side. Drinking crossed my mind. I mean,"How could I not drink given the devastating news I just received?" I told myself.
Then it dawned on me, my sister, who was the actual person devastated by a brain tumor, didn't drink over it. Least I could do was refrain from drinking.
I didn't drink and my sister survived and today flourishes. I wish the same for your family member. Stay sober, be there for them.
Then it dawned on me, my sister, who was the actual person devastated by a brain tumor, didn't drink over it. Least I could do was refrain from drinking.
I didn't drink and my sister survived and today flourishes. I wish the same for your family member. Stay sober, be there for them.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi John - I'm sorry about this awful news.
I agree that wanting to stay clear headed is great motivation. I'm not myself when I drink - it changes me. Your loved ones deserve to have the best version of you during this time. Also - as we've learned, it doesn't end up helping to calm us or make the situation more bearable. For me, it always led to even more misery & anxiety piled on top of the reason we're seeking comfort.
I'm glad you wanted to talk about it.
I agree that wanting to stay clear headed is great motivation. I'm not myself when I drink - it changes me. Your loved ones deserve to have the best version of you during this time. Also - as we've learned, it doesn't end up helping to calm us or make the situation more bearable. For me, it always led to even more misery & anxiety piled on top of the reason we're seeking comfort.
I'm glad you wanted to talk about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Through out my 30 something yrs sober, I have gone thru
many changes and have experiences situations in life that
has definitely tested my decisions, patience, faith, and choices.
However, from day 1, my first sober day, I admitted and
accepted my alcoholism and with folks knowledgeable
to teach me about it, I began to learn that no matter how
many times I am tested in life, there would be no need to
reach for alcohol that would make matters any better.
With knowledge and lessons learned about addiction
and recovery, I continue to incorporate them as a guideline
to working thru those tough and sometimes tested situations
in life.
I learned to stay close to recovery support inside and
out of recovery meetings. To lean on them, reach out
to them for help and not being ashamed to ask for that
help.
There is no need to try and figure out things in life
or go thru things in life alone or by ourselves. There
will always be someone who has been there, done
many of the same similar situations as each of us
and have experiences, strength and hope to guide us
thru them successfully.
Many helpful solutions are always available that
will give us healthier resolutions to our problems
where alcohol or drugs will never do that.
I had 2 loveable cats that passed away several
yrs ago after being in my care for a long time. I
got emotionally invested in them and the love was
unconditional.
With many years of sobriety under me, the passing
of them was truly unbearable, yet, never did I think
a drink would make me feel any better.
It was time that healed me along with my faith and
recovery to keep me strong and sober during that
time.
I'm sure there will be more life challenges ahead of
me as time goes on and as long as I am alive and
sober, i will continue to use the gift of recovery and
support to help me meet those challenges in a soberly
manner.
You can too.
many changes and have experiences situations in life that
has definitely tested my decisions, patience, faith, and choices.
However, from day 1, my first sober day, I admitted and
accepted my alcoholism and with folks knowledgeable
to teach me about it, I began to learn that no matter how
many times I am tested in life, there would be no need to
reach for alcohol that would make matters any better.
With knowledge and lessons learned about addiction
and recovery, I continue to incorporate them as a guideline
to working thru those tough and sometimes tested situations
in life.
I learned to stay close to recovery support inside and
out of recovery meetings. To lean on them, reach out
to them for help and not being ashamed to ask for that
help.
There is no need to try and figure out things in life
or go thru things in life alone or by ourselves. There
will always be someone who has been there, done
many of the same similar situations as each of us
and have experiences, strength and hope to guide us
thru them successfully.
Many helpful solutions are always available that
will give us healthier resolutions to our problems
where alcohol or drugs will never do that.
I had 2 loveable cats that passed away several
yrs ago after being in my care for a long time. I
got emotionally invested in them and the love was
unconditional.
With many years of sobriety under me, the passing
of them was truly unbearable, yet, never did I think
a drink would make me feel any better.
It was time that healed me along with my faith and
recovery to keep me strong and sober during that
time.
I'm sure there will be more life challenges ahead of
me as time goes on and as long as I am alive and
sober, i will continue to use the gift of recovery and
support to help me meet those challenges in a soberly
manner.
You can too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
I'm so very sorry, John. All that I really know is that drinking will make things worse for you, and your family member. Much worse.
My daughter has a severe and chronic illness which under normal (drinking) circumstances would have had me reach for alcohol. But I held the line, and did not. I believed what everyone here had told me, and they were right. Don't drink over it, no matter what.
I have been able to be there for my daughter, even when it's been hard. And it's paid off. I have an image in my mind which sees me arriving at the hospital either intoxed, or half that way. It has me cringe, and am so grateful I didn't take that path. I decided to live 'life on life's terms'.
You don't need to drink over this John. And later, you will be grateful. And they'll be grateful, too.
My daughter has a severe and chronic illness which under normal (drinking) circumstances would have had me reach for alcohol. But I held the line, and did not. I believed what everyone here had told me, and they were right. Don't drink over it, no matter what.
I have been able to be there for my daughter, even when it's been hard. And it's paid off. I have an image in my mind which sees me arriving at the hospital either intoxed, or half that way. It has me cringe, and am so grateful I didn't take that path. I decided to live 'life on life's terms'.
You don't need to drink over this John. And later, you will be grateful. And they'll be grateful, too.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi John - I’m sorry about your family member. I hope they will beat this 🙂
Not too long after I got sober one of my oldest friends was diagnosed with a particularly malignant kind of cancer.
They were hard days….but I’m glad I was sober to be able to share some time with him, and to help his family and some of our other friends through their rough times too.
I wasn’t sure I was up for the challenge - but I found sober me was more capable than I ever realised. I’m sure you will find the same.
Dont listen to that voice. Addiction is a sick obscene and selfish opportunist. It’s pathetic.
Let the real you out.
D
Not too long after I got sober one of my oldest friends was diagnosed with a particularly malignant kind of cancer.
They were hard days….but I’m glad I was sober to be able to share some time with him, and to help his family and some of our other friends through their rough times too.
I wasn’t sure I was up for the challenge - but I found sober me was more capable than I ever realised. I’m sure you will find the same.
Dont listen to that voice. Addiction is a sick obscene and selfish opportunist. It’s pathetic.
Let the real you out.
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,953
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
I was in relative early sobriety when I found out my sister had a brain tumor. Critical surgery needed. Family rushed to her side. Drinking crossed my mind. I mean,"How could I not drink given the devastating news I just received?" I told myself.
Then it dawned on me, my sister, who was the actual person devastated by a brain tumor, didn't drink over it. Least I could do was refrain from drinking.
I didn't drink and my sister survived and today flourishes. I wish the same for your family member. Stay sober, be there for them.
Then it dawned on me, my sister, who was the actual person devastated by a brain tumor, didn't drink over it. Least I could do was refrain from drinking.
I didn't drink and my sister survived and today flourishes. I wish the same for your family member. Stay sober, be there for them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 126
I can't tell you how thankful I am for your replies. It sounds awful, but my mind was selfishly focused on me and how I will cope. I'm sure I'd of worked it out eventually, but you've helped me to refocus on being the best support that I can be. And yes, the best chance I have of doing that is sober. I just hope I'm a strong enough person to do a good job. I'm on uncharted territory here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 71
My mom is currently terminally ill and hospice has been brought it. I first got really sober and didn’t drink. I was dependable, strong, caring and logical for my family. Then I’ve drank, been arrested for public intoxication for a second time. Drank into a deeper depression and more anxiety. I have stopped for 35 days now and slowly am redeeming myself. It’s not easy but I can promise drinking makes it worse. You’ll cry more, be unreliable, feel horrible about yourself. You don’t want that, it’s okay, cry, stress, feel it. But drinking would be the worst thing to do right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Really great to read your post John Toon. You have made an excellent, and lasting decision, that will pay off bigtime. You will never regret it.
Don't worry about unchartered territory, or whether you'll do a good enough job. You'll be there, and you'll be sober. Job done.
Don't worry about unchartered territory, or whether you'll do a good enough job. You'll be there, and you'll be sober. Job done.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
I feel you man, tough times ahead.
I want to encourage you to be strong throughout these stressful, somber, cautious events you are facing, Also I want suggest you work a recovery program of action of your choice. Incredible info about working recovery here at SR. Check the 'sticky' at the top of the forums for help. Anna suggested journaling as a way to maintain sobriety. You can do that here at SR. Keep posting to your thread here perhaps daily as another way to stay sober in a time of personal crisis as this.
The more seeds of recovery you plant in your sober garden. A bigger better bounty of sober life you shall receive. We grow in recovery treatment.
I want to encourage you to be strong throughout these stressful, somber, cautious events you are facing, Also I want suggest you work a recovery program of action of your choice. Incredible info about working recovery here at SR. Check the 'sticky' at the top of the forums for help. Anna suggested journaling as a way to maintain sobriety. You can do that here at SR. Keep posting to your thread here perhaps daily as another way to stay sober in a time of personal crisis as this.
The more seeds of recovery you plant in your sober garden. A bigger better bounty of sober life you shall receive. We grow in recovery treatment.
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