AJ143143

I don’t know why. A lot has been brought to service recently. A lot of sharing about past trauma. You know when you have been through so much that you somehow bury really really big things. Then you eventually start to talk about these things that have happened that caused you to shut down in the first place. That’s been the last few days for me. It’s strange how I was able to just think that if I stopped feeling that these events would go away… that somehow they didn’t effect me. At some point over this last few months I’ve had a friend who has asked me a lot about myself. At first I was really demure in a way. A little dishonest or I guess with a rose colored glass …. Not being dishonest on purpose just always painted a prettier picture. It wasn’t until I was pushed to tell my story did I realize “wow so much has happened to me”… god I’ve been ignoring myself for so long and creating my entire life based on how I wished it looked like versus how it was. Just to ignore things that happened. Tonight I won’t drink

Dee74

I've said before that went I stopped drinking, it was like the tide finally went out and I was left with lots of uncovered mounds of driftwood.

I couldn't ignore it any longer so I started to clean the driftwood up.

Took a while but I got there - you will too AJ

D

fishkiller

The clarity is tough at first. Stay sober and do the Work and that clarity helps us clean up everything that is bothering us.

Hang tight. It is worth it. It won't always be like this.

DriGuy

Ignoring yourself, and paying attention to yourself is like a dance. There's a balance in there somewhere. I remember a recovering alcoholic telling me something that I needed to hear at that particular time, and it became a kind of insight on dealing with this stuff. He said he "spent a lot of time ignoring his feelings." I took that to mean, he knows they are there, but it takes some work to ignore them when they need to be. Feelings are fickle things. They can be powerful, but they are also fickle. Don't let them run your life, but sort them out. With practice, we get better at it. You are at a good place right now. There's something happening that you can learn from, and it will make you stronger.

ToughChoices

I like the "freezer" analogy that was shared with me here on SR.

Through therapy, meditation, and reading, I sometimes felt that I could stand outside of my mind and look in. I could pause occasionally at the freezer door to my brain and peek in. How helpful! It seemed useful to analyze some of the contents of my personality - the events/memories/reactions that made me "me"-, but I'd often find some shockingly gross, undeniably HUGE and important memories. This stuff was awful, but it was also BIG. Clearly, I couldn't just throw it all out, but I also didn't want to defrost that mess and make it for dinner. So BACK in the freezer I'd shove it, poorly wrapped, ice-coated, and mis-labeled.

Even when I was drinking, therapy still helped me make discoveries. But I would get scared of my discoveries, so I'd bury them deeper in the freezer and use a variety of substances to ensure that everything stayed extra cold/hidden/frozen.

Removing the alcohol and pills from my life allowed everything to thaw. Which is excellent and healthy if you want a nice, clean storage space! But. You don't move from a frozen labyrinth of deception to an organized, time-stamped, and well-labeled freezer of healthy self-worth without having to navigate some melting NASTINESS. You've got to see what's in there.

This is a foul and painful process, and it certainly made me want to drink away the awfulness. Still, I am a logical person (when it comes to food storage metaphors), and so on some level I understood that abusing a substance (freezing everything back up) would SOLVE nothing. It might cool everything off enough to allow me to ignore the smell and downplay the problem to others, but the truth was: I'd still be hanging around with a brain full of garbage. The only way to get rid of the rot is to thaw it out, face it, label it, and toss most of it so that there's room for all the good stuff.

You sound like you are right smack in the middle of that process right now.

I want an authentic life. I want to be proud of who I am and what I believe. I don't just want the appearance of quality, I want actual quality. That requires some hard, smelly work. You can do it! It is worth the work.

Much love,
TC

Anna

Yeah, I did that, too. By far the hardest part of recovery for me was looking at myself in sobriety. I had to look at things about myself that I really didn't want to believe. On the upside I learned positive things about myself that I had also ignored.

Farrier

The scariest part of sobriety for me has been accepting all of the feelings that I submerged with alcohol.

I'm glad you're reaching out. Seek help from a trusted one at your local AA or reach out to the professionals.

Sobriety is so much more blissful once you can accept and comprehend those feelings. These daunting times will pass and so many doors of opportunity will open for you.

advbike

After 2 plus years of sobriety I had to look at a whole bunch of stuff as part of my 4th step. The reason I started the steps in the first place was because I was starting to struggle in sobriety. I was living overseas, hadn't been on SR much and was in and out of meetings when I could find one. Well, it brought up a ton of buried emotional trauma that I'd been ignoring and just added to my fraught emotional state, and I relapsed within 6 months. Like I said there was already a lot going on, but it didn't help to dig up a bunch of stuff that added to my guilt and shame - with no way to address it or make amends due to the number of years that had passed.

So tread carefully and be gentle on yourself. You don't have to share anything with anyone if you're not ready. We all have a "story" - a narrative that legitimately leaves out things we aren't proud of, or past traumas - there's nothing wrong with that. However, addicts tend to enhance it it to bolster our egos, due to our toxic shame. In sobriety we learn to live more authentically.

Mostly, stay close to SR, and your program.

AJ143143

These are such wonderful and thoughtful responses. Thank you to all of them. .

AJ143143

Thank you. I really like this analogy

AJ143143

Thank you

AJ143143

This is very true... I have noticed my feelings are fickle and I tend to make decisions based on my feelings versus on a foundation of what I know. If that makes sense.

AJ143143

Thank you TC.... This is such a well put analogy... Can I ask you a question... what kind of things do you do when it became overwhelming..?

AJ143143

I am excited to learn or realize the positive side

AJ143143

Thank you... I am not a huge fan of AA but I do have very trusted friends ... and a therapist

AJ143143

Thank you for that perspective. I think if I don't address it I will live in a bad emotional space. It isn't stuff I did.. it is stuff that was done to me...

Zencat

Aj if it's anything like trauma inflicted upon you by another (others) I know that trauma. From my PTSD 3 disorders emerged. Addiction is one of them. if I ignore 1 of them and only treat 2 of them I would not be sober now. Dee mentioned the tide going out. Old/new trauma-induced emotions may be the tide going in. Like like a life ring, specific to trauma recovery (tools) helps me stay afloat daily. I let my very difficult emotions and trauma flow through me un-inhibited sober. The more it happens the more practice I will have in managing my emotional state sober. And they say; practice makes.... You got this

AJ143143

. Thank you you zencat and yes it was trauma inflicted by another… well a few throughout my life. I’m trying to do what you are doing now Just let the emotions pass through me …