keeppushing

Hi SR. Looking for some advice. After 2 years of daily drinking (having given up) a few months ago something snapped in me. I put a plan together. Weeks of failed day 1s eventually led to not drinking on weekdays but I was still drinking on weekends. I adjusted the plan. Last weekend I didn't drink Friday evening.Great! Saturday my wife wants to go out for lunch. She has been supportive of me through all of this so far. But on Saturday she insisted on a restaurant that served alcohol. My wife is someone who will have 3 - 4 drinks with a meal maybe twice a week.

When we got there, she ordered a drink. I asked for water. She said it was okay if I drank. I said I was fine and happy. She started insisting that I drink, telling me she wanted to have fun. I asked if I was making her unhappy. She said no, but she kept insisting that I order a drink. I caved. She stopped drinking after the meal, I of course continued on my own.

We talked about it Sunday morning. After two years of asking me to stop drinking she said that she wanted a husband who was normal who could have drinks with his meal and then stop. This would alternate with her expressing deep sorrow at having sabotaged me and acknowledging that what she said didn't make sense. I know her for decades and I know her body language. She was clearly remorseful and confused at her behaviour. But a couple of hours later it happened again (lunch and drinks). I paid attention to her demeanour and my thoughts. She was truly uncomfortable drinking unless I was. And I was drinking in part because she gave me an excuse and in part because I didn't want to get into an argument with her.

She and I need to figure this out. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I'd appreciate any insights into this behaviour.

Thanks!

KP

advbike

You have decided to quit and that's awesome, but some partners don't like it and want someone to party with on their own terms. Like when they want and how much. Does she understand the concept of craving that most of us get once we have one or two? How hard it is to stop?

I was with someone for over a decade who drank beer and wine every night and I struggled with it, because I was trying to quit permanently, but was in a very high stress job and always tempted by the need for stress relief.. She, on the other hand, didn't work. She also liked craft beer and good wine, like I did, so I would always cave after some period of weeks or months.

We finally separated, for that and other reasons, and remained friends. She still drinks every night and sometimes a bit too much so I worry about her, but it is her life. We cannot control what other people do or expect them to change their behavior for us. We also do not have to listen when they undermine what we are trying to accomplish.

You have to decide what's most important to you and what compromises you will accept.

suki44883

If she is uncomfortable drinking unless you are also drinking, it could be that she questions that perhaps she drinks a little too much, but if you're also drinking, it's not a big deal. Having 3-4 drinks with a meal sounds like a lot to me. I found that after I quit drinking, some people continued to encourage me to drink, or felt uncomfortable if I wasn't drinking along with them. I've always felt that it was a sign that they didn't want to face their own drinking issues. Of course, not knowing your wife, this is just my own thoughts on what might be going on.

Dee74

Hi keeppushing

you wife has told you what she wants - she wants a husband who was normal who can have drinks with his meal and then stop.

You need to tell her that's not possible for you - not that you don't want to, or you refuse to - but that alcoholics cannot control their drinking.

Change is scary for spouses too - often because its not their choice to change .
They also perhaps may have no real understanding of what the problem is.

I hope you two can sort it out. Communicate

D

Farrier

How would she feel if you told her you wished she was a 21 one year old Dallas Cowboys cheerleader? DON'T ASK THIS....Seriously

I've heard this from other wives who have husbands that struggle with alcohol. Doesn't make a lot of sense to me..... but then again, my wife also asked me to stop drinking, yet she would not go dry with me either to support that request. So I got sober on my own without her.

silentrun

Obviously that needs to stop. You said even she realizes that's not OK. There is going to be a lot of changes coming your way and some for her. It's feels like an unknown which can be scary. They are ALL good. The changing part really sucks but it's so worth it.

How important is alcohol to her if one of her requirements for a partner is that they can have drinks with her?

Cityboy

Great job on taking this step towards a better life.

Multiple things going on.

As long as alcohol is in the equation, it will make all efforts to sabotage attempts by either party to quit, which includes bringing damage upon your relationship, as that will encourage more drinking. Ask me how I know.

As has been said, your wife did not sign on to make this change, and it can be very difficult to change the status quo. Humans have very strange mentalities, wanting change, but then fighting like mad to maintain the comfort zone. Talking about it only goes so far (not very). It will take time and steadfastness on your part.

In a few months, you will look back on the decision to quit drinking as having been the best decision you've ever made. Speaking from experience, and the shares from people here on SR, there can be no middle ground. It's over. You simply don't drink anymore. Why on earth would anyone want to drink a couple of beers, wine, whiskey, or whatever, a couple of times a week. You simply can not engage in thoughts of drinking like a "normal" person, and why on earth would you want to?

You have to quit for YOU. As much as I wanted to quit for my wife and kid, it was never going to happen like that. I had to do it for ME.

You have to set the bar and wait for your wife to follow through, with drinking and other things. Work on setting productive boundaries. Try to think in terms of positivity and progressiveness, and limit the negative emotions like resentment and worry.

D122y

Everyone is different and I offer this...

If my wife presses me to do anything, I try to accommodate, but she knows I don't want to do it.

I don't get the impression your drinking has caused mental/physical damage to you yet and it may never.

My drinking was killing me mentally/physically. Nobody directly said anything, but there were tons of indirect comments/situations.

I had to quit for me.

When folks push me to drink, it happens rarely but it does happen....

I start out with booze is not my thing anymore. I don't like the way it makes me feel.

That has worked, but I am prepared to make a big deal out of it if I am pressed that hard.

I said all that to say this....

If my wife insisted that I drink with her I would tell her to drink her fill, I love her, but I am not having a nice little drop.

If she pushed me, it could escalate into more awkward or worse. More awkward for me would be saying something like, there are levels of addiction and drinking 3 or 4 drinks/2x a week is a level of addiction.

I have said something like this to my wife and it led to some ruffled feathers. It was worth it because: 1. She doesn't bug me about drinking. 2. She drinks less.

Prayers for your success and peace.

Thanks.

RubyBruce

Sounds like you are being manipulated to me.

Move on.

Nonsensical

My wife was having trouble accepting that I couldn't be 'fixed' and become a normal drinker again.
Then she went to an al-anon meeting.
The stories she heard there led her to conclude I should stop before those stories became her story, too.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Tailai

My wife drinks every night and we really miss the evening drinks together. That part of our life is over, the resentment lingers, but thankfully we have many other things in common. But I do still bristle after she takes that first sip. But it's become a much smaller thing over the years.

Anna

Your wife is clearly unhappy she is losing her drinking partner. I hope you can both communicate and that you stop allowing yourself to be pushed into drinking, and that your wife recognizes you cannot and will not drink. It's not easy but you can do it.

Mizz

My spouse and I drank together. When I quit, for the umpteenth time, it did create friction. It took time for him to adjust to the idea that I was not going to be a part of the drinking club anymore. He did wish for me to be able to control it. I couldn't give him that "wish." Its not in my cards to do so. I am a natural born loser when it comes to the moderation game

We cannot be something we are not. Once this truth hits home to all parties then things can become more comfortable. Stand in your truth of what you need to do for your life. Being married does not mean we cant change, and grow. and quit things when necessary. We can grow...sometimes its in separate ways, but it can be beneficial for all parties.

I think its important that your spouse accepts your mission to be sober. She doesn't have to like it, but it would be really helpful for her if she accepted it. Its not like the "truth" is going to change on this one. It is what it is.

I know you can sort this out. It takes time. Dedication. Perseverance. All the good stuff.

keeppushing

Thank you! I will suggest this to her.

KP

keeppushing

Thank you all for your advice and support! I'll check back soon.

KP

DriGuy

Non alcoholic and friends can be recovery's biggest enemy. They are not necessarily evil. They simply don't understand. Although some may be evil too.

Bonnefond87

Alcohol is the enemy of recovery - it is the evil thing here - it will give you any excuse- help you find anyone to blame in order to remain your number one priority.