Quitorelse

Day 30 in the bank yesterday on to day 31 today!
Being totally honest here!
I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around never ever drinking again!
My reward for a job well done was a drink! My reward for going out to a nice dinner was a good bottle of wine!
My reward for doing a sporting event was a drink! Basically my reward system since I was in my 20's was a drink!
Now 40 + years later it is still my immediate response to most things!
This isn't the AV talking this is years and years of conditioning and habits and my belief that alcohol was a reward and not my demise! 30 in the bank yesterday on to day 31 today!
Being totally honest here!
I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around never ever drinking again!
My reward for a job well done was a drink! My reward for going out to a nice dinner was a good bottle of wine!
My reward for doing a sporting event was a drink! Basically my reward system since I was in my 20's was a drink!
Now 40 + years later it is still my immediate response to most things!
This isn't the AV talking this is years and years of conditioning and habits and my belief that alcohol was a reward and not my demise!
This is going to take some time to relearn!

Hawkeye13

What do you think the AV is?

To me, it is the “conditioned” part of me I’ve trained to choose drink for pain or celebration nearly all my life.

Just keep it simple and don’t drink now.

Keep doing that and you are building new and better conditioning—creating your SV—Sober Voice.

fishkiller

I completely, 100%, without a doubt relate to this.
I could have wrote this 26 months ago.

I could not imagine life without alcohol either but my life with alcohol sucked. I did not want life to suck anymore but,, how will I reward myself, celebrate, relieve stress, relax, kill time without drinking?
I had No Idea.

But the folks here on SR did.

Being overwhelmed with the thought of losing my "friend" forever I took to saying I just won't visit him, drink, today.
That's what I did. When something happened that I would normally drink to, like the sun shining 🙄, I just didn't. I did something different instead.
Counting Days became a downer too. Looking at all these people with months and years and I wanted to be there too, Now.
That's not how it works though.

So as long as I am sober today all is well.
Next thing ya know I am the one with a couple years under my belt.
I celebrate with ice cream, chocolate, cake, etc. Sometimes I will just buy myself something I've been wanting.
Drinking now would be anything but a celebration. It would be one of the lowest points of my life actually.

You'll figure it out. Give it time. Stay sober and try new things.

soupcon

Live in the present. Today. Just do not drink today. Your reward - you get your life back.

DriGuy

Exactly. That is Quitorelse's AV, and it so classic. The first thing everyone's AV tells them is that they deserve it. Quit is just interpreting it as something else, but it's the AV. A rose by any other name... And I think no matter what he calls this event, it's going to take some work, but clearly this is a big one.

Evoo

A shift in perspective helped me a lot on this.

How/why could alcohol be a "reward?" Recently I read alcohol described as a "loan shark." It offers you maybe an hour or two of depressive/anesthetic effect, masking the fact that you drank poison, causing your brain/body to release adrenaline and putting your system into battle mode against the foreign toxin. The "reward" will ultimately be disappointing, and as alcoholics, we're wired to want another to relieve the pain of the first, second, third, forth... then to "drink off" the ensuing hangover. Then we're not drinking for "reward," we're drinking to balance out our nervous system and feel "normal."

That doesn't sound like much of a "reward" to me. Sounds like a punishment.

Dee74

I was self-conditioned to alcohol as a reward too - but I learnt new positive ways to reward myself like a nice meal, a CD, a new book...

You shouldn't settle for 'I've always done this and can't change'- Recovery is about change.

You weren't born drinking...you know drinking is a terrible idea....

Like Hawkeye said, any thoughts of drinking again *is the AV*

D

Free2bme888

Good you are recognizing the previous ingrained behaviors and choices you have.

Glad you are finally ready to realize it was lies all along to yourself.

Drinking poison is NOT a reward. You know it. Screw what the people who encourage others to drink, screw marketing companies. ALL LIES. Not relaxing. Doesn’t make us sexier. Doesn’t make food taste better. Doesn’t promote good sleep. Doesn’t take our troubles away. Just the opposite.

congrats on your last ever first 30 days 🤓😎

RecklessDrunk

We just have to make the right choice everyday.

Think the drink through. The net effect of drinking tonight on the next 24 hours. Not good, guess I won't drink tonight.

Evoo

Very well said.

VikingGF

You don't have to think about forever. Just think about today. You are doing so well, in time the change will happen and you will realize that rewarding yourself with the actual thing you want to get away from has no logic. It's like washing and folding all the laundry and then throwing it in a muddy puddle to celebrate. All the thoughts you have about any good being a result of drinking is a lie, and the romanticization of alcohol is just a colossal waste of time. It takes some sober time for this to happen, but when it does- LIGHTBULB. Keep going. You will get there- but only if you don't drink. Many congrats on 31 days- have a cupcake!

silentrun

Congratulations! I got sucked in by using alcohol as a reward. It's a hard pattern to unwind. Just realizing that is a step forward. It takes time but you are on the right track.

vxper

Thanks for the post, man can I relate to this and looking back I think a little thing that helped me in the early days was replacing that booze reward with other things. Buying some food or NA drink that I normally wouldn't have as my reward for a hard day; Or hitting the end of the week, totaling up all the money I didn't spend on alcohol and buying myself a little present: a new book, an album, a game, going out to a movie, whatever. Simple replacement that maybe isn't the healthiest diet-wise but I forgave myself in the early days at least because at least it wasn't alcohol, and that's what I told myself.

Eventually, the rewards became a little more intangible and I worked at recognizing them when they happened. For example, working hard at something and upon achieving it allow yourself to feel that sense of accomplishment as it's own reward. Don't take for granted all the things that you will now be able to do without the burden of entertaining your addiction. You might also notice opportunities opening for yourself because you are more focused daily on your endeavors, recognize those as well as the rewards for your good decisions. Embrace that feeling that without your addiction the sky is the limit.

DriGuy

^ Vxper, I really appreciate your attitude. I would add that the greatest reward for not drinking is sobriety. I did the tangible reward thing early on, but I found it to be more of a ritual that I didn't need.

Gcesp

+1.

During my 20's and 30's I would have agreed with OP as I consumed more and more alcohol. The problems were starting though very mild. I keep coming back here out of curiousity just to see what others are saying and thinking fortunately I was able to ditch alcohol pretty much immediately because I had a really good life that I was stupidly overlooking to spend more and more time under the influence. Glad I could toss it like a rotten piece of food you might dispose of on inspecting your fridge and seeing it as such.

What you need to do is fill your life with another reward that is constructive as the "reward" alcohol could give is a total lie. This could be anything but make sure it's healthy and not another toxic addictive behavior that you're chasing like smoking, food, gambling etc. Get into some sport like cycling or fitness or join some organizations, work for a cause greater than yourself all that good advice. Fill your time with something you cannot wait to do when you're waiting for your workday to end. Just make sure the activity is healthy.

Given the time, money and energy freed up after going sober it should not be that hard. If it is consider AA/12 step, counseling and all that good stuff to address the underlying issues.

Steely

I'm having a really beautiful wool and mohair coat re-lined in satin. Bought it at the op shop years ago, and it's remained classic.

Also having a canvas stretched. Art and fashion. My favs.

Hodd

Well said, Gcesp

Like a lot of us here, our rewards have included way better health, losing excess weight, getting our lives back and being transformed into different (better) people. I’ve gone from being an obese dull middle-aged man whose only hobby was drinking to a slim (average) triathlete. With that comes new friendships and so many other openings. I can understand a “normie” having a drink as an occasional reward, but we’re not normies, Quito. You want that drink for unhealthy reasons. Like all of us, you’re an addict. You’ll have rewards aplenty if you don’t take that drink. Keep at it, Quito, and way way better things will come than a glass of wine.