52 cards in a deck - today, I have a sober month for every one of them.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 100
52 cards in a deck - today, I have a sober month for every one of them.
That is an odd title of me writing today is four years and four months sober.
I have been lurking around for a few days, have not posted in ages and have never been a prolific one at that. But today I felt compelled.
Last night I stumbled across a movie. "Don't worry, he won't get far on foot". I had never heard of it before, but it has certainly earned a rewatch. For me, right at the end, Jonah Hill's character basically confirmed that what prevented his character from drinking is the same as what prevents me from taking that first drink. I felt relieved. MASSIVELY relieved to be frank.
For a long time, I had been down on myself for placing so much emphasis on the memory of my last partner when I was drinking as the reason to not pick up. Remembering the hurt in her eyes, mannerisms and voice the last time we spoke. It sickened me for the longest time in sobriety and I felt wretched for the pain she had to endure because of my selfish actions and behaviours. I have no idea where she is, I do miss her, but that won't change and that is ok.
No matter how much you change, you will always pay a price for the things you've done.
It took me a long time to understand and fully appreciate that ^
Zero amount of squirming, wracking my brain for a solution will ever alter the hurt I have caused others and in turn, the guilt and shame that still effects me. But today, feeling like I am recently out of early sobriety, I have learnt to deal with it. To become used to the negative emotions all caused by me.
Occasionally I think of drinking and hand on heart, I miss it terribly. I truly do. It was the one thing (I convinced myself) that I was bloody good at. There is a huge amount of irony in that statement! Ofcourse, I was a shocking drinker. Nothing mattered apart from getting that next drink. Everything and everybody was secondary to that end. Took me a LONG time to fully understand that my ex was secondary. I would argue blue in the face, even after months of sobriety, drinking came second. But, as with anything, just look at someone's actions.
Talk is cheap. What matters is the action. You can pretty much disregard most of what people say, look at what they do...
I am so grateful to this site, to the AA meetings, to my past sponsors guiding me through the steps, the serendipitous *stuff* and people that just seem to appear at the right time.
Sobriety does not take away my imperfections, I am very flawed, but I strive to be better. I choose to be better.
That serenity is not all that difficult to find after working my butt off. At least, not for today.
If you are early, do what I did. Hit meetings, cry, whinge, moan, feel lost, feel ridiculously alone, ask for help, get help, cry some more... Just. Don't. Drink. Those days, they add up. It does get easier. I promise.
I have been lurking around for a few days, have not posted in ages and have never been a prolific one at that. But today I felt compelled.
Last night I stumbled across a movie. "Don't worry, he won't get far on foot". I had never heard of it before, but it has certainly earned a rewatch. For me, right at the end, Jonah Hill's character basically confirmed that what prevented his character from drinking is the same as what prevents me from taking that first drink. I felt relieved. MASSIVELY relieved to be frank.
For a long time, I had been down on myself for placing so much emphasis on the memory of my last partner when I was drinking as the reason to not pick up. Remembering the hurt in her eyes, mannerisms and voice the last time we spoke. It sickened me for the longest time in sobriety and I felt wretched for the pain she had to endure because of my selfish actions and behaviours. I have no idea where she is, I do miss her, but that won't change and that is ok.
No matter how much you change, you will always pay a price for the things you've done.
It took me a long time to understand and fully appreciate that ^
Zero amount of squirming, wracking my brain for a solution will ever alter the hurt I have caused others and in turn, the guilt and shame that still effects me. But today, feeling like I am recently out of early sobriety, I have learnt to deal with it. To become used to the negative emotions all caused by me.
Occasionally I think of drinking and hand on heart, I miss it terribly. I truly do. It was the one thing (I convinced myself) that I was bloody good at. There is a huge amount of irony in that statement! Ofcourse, I was a shocking drinker. Nothing mattered apart from getting that next drink. Everything and everybody was secondary to that end. Took me a LONG time to fully understand that my ex was secondary. I would argue blue in the face, even after months of sobriety, drinking came second. But, as with anything, just look at someone's actions.
Talk is cheap. What matters is the action. You can pretty much disregard most of what people say, look at what they do...
I am so grateful to this site, to the AA meetings, to my past sponsors guiding me through the steps, the serendipitous *stuff* and people that just seem to appear at the right time.
Sobriety does not take away my imperfections, I am very flawed, but I strive to be better. I choose to be better.
That serenity is not all that difficult to find after working my butt off. At least, not for today.
If you are early, do what I did. Hit meetings, cry, whinge, moan, feel lost, feel ridiculously alone, ask for help, get help, cry some more... Just. Don't. Drink. Those days, they add up. It does get easier. I promise.
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Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
I loved your post Kejun, it can be utterly brutal looking back at the wreckage of the 'drunk' years and your post just confirmed how much sobriety is the only path. Congratulations on your wonderful resolve and sober time.
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
Wonderful honesty Kejun.
Huge congratulations to you in your new life, how you have travelled it so far, and how you continue it.
Thank you so much for popping in and sharing, your story inspires me and so many others who are lurking….
Huge congratulations to you in your new life, how you have travelled it so far, and how you continue it.
Thank you so much for popping in and sharing, your story inspires me and so many others who are lurking….
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,997
Kejun, thank you for your very honest post and congratulations on your hard won sober time. I am "early" and I appreciate your advice.
I'm a John Callahan fan. I bought all his books of cartoons some years ago. Of course, they would likely be regarded as very irreverent now, but still, he displays such wicked humor and talent in the face of adversity.
Thanks for the movie recommendation!
I'm a John Callahan fan. I bought all his books of cartoons some years ago. Of course, they would likely be regarded as very irreverent now, but still, he displays such wicked humor and talent in the face of adversity.
Thanks for the movie recommendation!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 100
So much gratitude to your replies, thank you for writing!
I wrote about feeling I have only recently come out of 'early sobriety'. To me, this is individual and again, to me, I write it based on recognition of my own sureness, confidence in my own ability to handle situations that previously hit me for six.
Very early on, maybe 4/5 weeks sober, I was talking with a "professional"; perhaps our third or fourth session. Long enough for me to build-up trust and faith the person I was talking to knew what she was talking about. Clinging on would be more apt as like so many of us, I was very lost and felt as though every nerve ending was exposed and dramatically effected by the smallest of ... anything. Anyway, during this previously mentioned third or fourth session, she (the professional) confidently, nonchalantly, flippantly informed me that I needed to get to a point where I could drink "a couple of drinks and leave it at that".
The instant the sentence ended, my world imploded!! It went against the AA meetings I had attended every single day for the previous two/three weeks, I literally had a panic attack! Outwardly, I would have been reminiscent of a WWII soldier with shell shock, a thousand mile stare. My eyes were open but no input was being analysed or considered. I wanted to speak, but equally, I did not want to ask for further explanation. It went against what I had learnt so far. I thought "Wait... There is an option? Like, there is the ability to get to drink one or two?! This lady cannot be correct?! Can she? Does she know something all those people, in all those rooms, with all those stories does not ? Has she perhaps cracked the code?!"
That was the last time I saw the professional, who (without any doubt) was doing her best with what she believed was the right path. For me, the right path is to not drink anything, ever. For some, maybe they can have the planned "binge" or annual party - good for them if it works. For me, I absolutely know I would, sooner or later, being to make an excuse to extend that annual binge. It would become monthly, then weekly... Then... Again, speaking for me, it would be a very slippery slope. And by God, I want that slope. I WANT oblivion. I long to be back in the mindset or being in a Indie movie where its me against the World, listening to loud ass music, scoffing at people who do not finish and "savour" every last drop from their glass. "Amateurs. Lightweights. Soft-c0cks." Me with my air of superiority. My assuredness that everything made sense now. (Thanks to the effect on certain neurotransmitters in the brain, I have answers as to why this happens).
My point is that I know where the first drink leads. The crazy thing is, I miss it. The absolute not giving a toss what happens. The warmth and security of that "haze" of the contented glow. But ofcourse, that doesn't last. Or chasing that dragon does not satisfy. That's the thing, for me and perhaps others; that thirst and feeling we chase can never quite be quelled. Not quite. I might get close but it is like that "just out of reach" ballon on a string, the Creation of Adam painting, I just can't damned well get to it. I never will. One too many, one hundred never enough etc etc
I am out of early sobriety, because now when well-intentioned folks make comments not all that dissimilar to the aforementioned professional, I have built up enough sobriety, enough trying experiences have taught me how to handle anything sober. I do not write "handle anything sober" lightly. Have I faced every single possible situation ? Ofcourse not. But I have faced enough and lived enough days of continued sobriety to be hit with enough challenges.
When the very person who originally suggested I go to rehab and get help said "K, I don't even think you're an alcoholic. I know you well enough that I can safely say, when you do something, you do it 100%. Does not matter if it's hitting the gym 15 times a week, running, swimming... You just absoutely do it. There is no middle ground."
Thankfully, this was said to me maybe October/November of last year? Maybe a little before that? And just like the effect of the "professional" this statement and - I say it loosely - observation (more like opinion) this would have rattled me early on in sobriety. Some people, they just do not and cannot understand the work I have put in, that many of you have put in (and continue to put in) to sobriety. It is HARD. Not always. But there are days when it is difficult. Your brain can tempt you, throw back memories from triggers (some of mine being listening to Oasis) and it sucks.
But, "it is what it is". I find it easier to nod and smile rather than enter into dialogue, because, I reiterate, many of the genuine opinions are thrown out there with the best of intentions. But, because they have not walked the absolute leveller of getting and remaining sober, they cannot appreciate the journey. Again, even trying to describe it to people, they won't get it.
Which is why the best thing I did was surround myself with people who walked in my shoes before me. To see firsthand, to feel the pain in their own stories, long since come to terms with, perhaps, but scar tissue remains.
There is so much to be said for conquering this drinking sh*t. SO much. Doesn't matter one iota if it is a single day or a decade. I have nothing but sincere respect and admiration for anyone working this sobriety journey (in whatever fashion works for them, be it AA or SMART or whatever) - I applaud all of you, to the people who responded to my post - thank you. There is a great bunch of people on this site and I am forever indebted and grateful for you.
I wrote about feeling I have only recently come out of 'early sobriety'. To me, this is individual and again, to me, I write it based on recognition of my own sureness, confidence in my own ability to handle situations that previously hit me for six.
Very early on, maybe 4/5 weeks sober, I was talking with a "professional"; perhaps our third or fourth session. Long enough for me to build-up trust and faith the person I was talking to knew what she was talking about. Clinging on would be more apt as like so many of us, I was very lost and felt as though every nerve ending was exposed and dramatically effected by the smallest of ... anything. Anyway, during this previously mentioned third or fourth session, she (the professional) confidently, nonchalantly, flippantly informed me that I needed to get to a point where I could drink "a couple of drinks and leave it at that".
The instant the sentence ended, my world imploded!! It went against the AA meetings I had attended every single day for the previous two/three weeks, I literally had a panic attack! Outwardly, I would have been reminiscent of a WWII soldier with shell shock, a thousand mile stare. My eyes were open but no input was being analysed or considered. I wanted to speak, but equally, I did not want to ask for further explanation. It went against what I had learnt so far. I thought "Wait... There is an option? Like, there is the ability to get to drink one or two?! This lady cannot be correct?! Can she? Does she know something all those people, in all those rooms, with all those stories does not ? Has she perhaps cracked the code?!"
That was the last time I saw the professional, who (without any doubt) was doing her best with what she believed was the right path. For me, the right path is to not drink anything, ever. For some, maybe they can have the planned "binge" or annual party - good for them if it works. For me, I absolutely know I would, sooner or later, being to make an excuse to extend that annual binge. It would become monthly, then weekly... Then... Again, speaking for me, it would be a very slippery slope. And by God, I want that slope. I WANT oblivion. I long to be back in the mindset or being in a Indie movie where its me against the World, listening to loud ass music, scoffing at people who do not finish and "savour" every last drop from their glass. "Amateurs. Lightweights. Soft-c0cks." Me with my air of superiority. My assuredness that everything made sense now. (Thanks to the effect on certain neurotransmitters in the brain, I have answers as to why this happens).
My point is that I know where the first drink leads. The crazy thing is, I miss it. The absolute not giving a toss what happens. The warmth and security of that "haze" of the contented glow. But ofcourse, that doesn't last. Or chasing that dragon does not satisfy. That's the thing, for me and perhaps others; that thirst and feeling we chase can never quite be quelled. Not quite. I might get close but it is like that "just out of reach" ballon on a string, the Creation of Adam painting, I just can't damned well get to it. I never will. One too many, one hundred never enough etc etc
I am out of early sobriety, because now when well-intentioned folks make comments not all that dissimilar to the aforementioned professional, I have built up enough sobriety, enough trying experiences have taught me how to handle anything sober. I do not write "handle anything sober" lightly. Have I faced every single possible situation ? Ofcourse not. But I have faced enough and lived enough days of continued sobriety to be hit with enough challenges.
When the very person who originally suggested I go to rehab and get help said "K, I don't even think you're an alcoholic. I know you well enough that I can safely say, when you do something, you do it 100%. Does not matter if it's hitting the gym 15 times a week, running, swimming... You just absoutely do it. There is no middle ground."
Thankfully, this was said to me maybe October/November of last year? Maybe a little before that? And just like the effect of the "professional" this statement and - I say it loosely - observation (more like opinion) this would have rattled me early on in sobriety. Some people, they just do not and cannot understand the work I have put in, that many of you have put in (and continue to put in) to sobriety. It is HARD. Not always. But there are days when it is difficult. Your brain can tempt you, throw back memories from triggers (some of mine being listening to Oasis) and it sucks.
But, "it is what it is". I find it easier to nod and smile rather than enter into dialogue, because, I reiterate, many of the genuine opinions are thrown out there with the best of intentions. But, because they have not walked the absolute leveller of getting and remaining sober, they cannot appreciate the journey. Again, even trying to describe it to people, they won't get it.
Which is why the best thing I did was surround myself with people who walked in my shoes before me. To see firsthand, to feel the pain in their own stories, long since come to terms with, perhaps, but scar tissue remains.
There is so much to be said for conquering this drinking sh*t. SO much. Doesn't matter one iota if it is a single day or a decade. I have nothing but sincere respect and admiration for anyone working this sobriety journey (in whatever fashion works for them, be it AA or SMART or whatever) - I applaud all of you, to the people who responded to my post - thank you. There is a great bunch of people on this site and I am forever indebted and grateful for you.
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