Juliedancer

How do you let go of that person you knew? I posted about my situation last week of how I asked my boyfriend to leave and I am trying to understand the alcohol addiction.... wondering why my love wasn't enough, or why I was feeling like I wasn't enough... I am feeling better about that part with all your great feedback and explanations of an addict.

Now the discovery continues. I took on buying this new home, a fixer upper while I was with him. He was going to help me do this, a lot of the demo and projects on this house as his way of contributing since it was my financial investment and he didn't have the money to help. Unfortunately his sobriety ended very shortly after we moved (he started drinking pretty much immediately after the move) so I am now left with doing this on my own. I am finding I am now blowing through my remodel budget quicker since I have to pay people to do things I cannot physically do myself, and since I told him he had to move out due to his drunken episodes. I'm coping with that, it's better than having him around with the unpredictable whirlwind of destruction and mood swings. But I went to the basement to start organizing what has not all been unpacked and now I'm finding things are missing. Many tools that were mine, emergency preparedness food bins, huge bins of outdoor electrical cords, extension cords and power strips, power tools...

I just can't believe this is the same person I knew in the past. I feel so duped and taken advantage of. I made two trips (a 3 and a half hour drive one way) to his sister's to bring him things he left here, partly because I didn't want him showing up here... Now I tried to contact him to get my things back with no response... I hadn't realized he took these things.

I am so saddened of the loss of the person he used to be. Plus I'm angry that he gladly took my generosity and then now I find he took more. Who is this person who onced said he loved me?

Ugh. I'm just frustrated and feel stupid that I let him take advantage of me this way. I know I will just have to accept that I will have to just buy new tools etc. It just sucks.

ChloeRose63

It sounds like a "hurricane" just tried to destroy your life. I just think of all the disasters that many people have overcome and became stronger and better because of it. You must choose what you will allow this "storm" to make of you. Take control and press on.

Cantonian

Be proud that you were strong and smart enough to see him for what he was and get him out. So many never find that strength and insight and live in misery for ther rest of their lives. While what you lost will make things more difficult for now what you gained is so, so much more...peace to you!

fishkiller

It is hard to accept someone you care about would treat you that way.
Time heals all they say.
Be thankful you got out when you did.
Most likely your projects are getting done in a more proper fashion now than if the careless drunk had done them. I know, I was a careless drunk.
Though that is my specialty when I was drinking I did not give 100%.
Not sure where you are but in the US it is a hard time for home improvements. Labor shortage, materials through the roof and getting more expensive weekly.
I feel for you but you will make it and come out stronger.
Let him go and live Your life.

DriGuy

Sometimes learning experiences like this carry both a monetary and emotional price tag. The dark part is that you must put it behind you and move on. But there is a bright side; This guy is gone from your life, and there is much to be thankful for.

For what it's worth, I worked with a woman who was much worse off. She invested all of her savings in a large parcel of land out in the woods with a guy that dumped her after putting everything under his name without her knowing it. He walked away with everything that was hers. She eventually married another guy, a really nice guy.

Surrendered19

Hi Juliedancer. I'm so sorry he ripped you off like that.

All I can offer in the way of explanation is that when I was drinking, you could have jet black hair, stand right in front of me, I'd look you squarely in the eye, and in my most persuasive lawyerly voice, swear on a stack of Bibles that your hair was pure white. And I didn't even need a reason to lie like that.

Although your pain comes through in your post, what also comes through is a really great awareness of what and who you are dealing with. And that gives me a large measure of comfort that you won't let him worm his way back into your life.

I'm terribly sorry for what brings you here Juliedancer. I did way worse to so many people than your ex-bf has done to you, and if he ever suffers even half the regret I have, he'll suffer enough I assure you.

Juliedancer

Okay, yes. All are good words (again, and of course!). I almost feel selfish using this site, when I know things can be much worse. Thank you. I think my family is afraid he will try and come back and that I would let him. I will not though.

Surrendered19

Use this site all you want Juliedancer. It is good to have you here.

Anna

I'm glad to hear that you won't allow him back into your life. The best thing you can do is to see this as a learning experience and move on. Focus on replacing the tools and working on your remodel. It might take longer than you planned since you are doing it alone, but it will be yours.

DriGuy

I felt that way in AA. I continually got more from others than I could possibly give out. And in a way, that was to be expected. I felt selfish. But I was the new guy, lost, struggling to find my way, and needing as much input as I could sift through, so I gave myself a pass on the selfish. People didn't seem to mind helping, and I needed it more than the those already successful in recovery. But I did give back a lot of gratitude. That was about all I could give at the time, and I had so much of it I didn't know where to put all of it. I decided there was bad selfish and good selfish. Does that make sense to anyone?