Nonsensical

Reading the book Dopamine Nation. It's about addiction. Came across an "AHA!" moment when the author mentions (almost casually) that the response of the addict (once addicted) is that they typically want their DOC more than they actually like it. I love it when someone clearly and concisely articulates a thought that I can't quite wrestle down. It was like finding a missing puzzle piece for me. If I had not been on an elliptical at the gym I would have pointed at the imaginary author in front of me and shouted "Yes! That's it!"

I don't know exactly when that switch was flipped for me, but at some point I wanted to drink even though I almost never got the pleasurable response I was anticipating. That disappointment was always met with shots and chugging, trying to get the buzz. If I ever got the buzz I passed into blackout so quickly I never had a chance to enjoy it. Then came the days and weeks of recovering from whatever I did on my bender. I wanted it, but I sure did not like it.

Just wanted to share that thought with my friends here. I've been sober for almost 28 months now, which will soon be my longest stretch ever. My wife is out of town at a work retreat. I have the house to myself all week. I could drink and no one would ever know. An opportunity my AV is certainly aware of. He is there. Lurking. Wanting. Promising. I want to drink, those neural pathways are still there. I want it, but I wouldn't like it.

Time to make some tea. Maybe something with a little ginger in it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

LoveHateWhine

Well said, Nonsensical! Thank you! And congrats on 28 months!

biminiblue

I didn't know you had gone back to drinking. I'm glad you found your way back to the light. I've made that same mistake after years of sobriety. Still the sirens call. I get it.

And yeah, at the end there was (for me) an hour of that pleasant feeling but then chasing it and chasing it and the misery and life-disruption that happens.

Thanks, Non.

Don't do it. Just remember there are dozens of people on this site who you can name their usernames and all of them would say, "Don't do it!!"

DriGuy

The same is true in dieting. The book, Diet and Fitness Explained, points out that aspect of hunger and how we often confuse "want" with "hunger". When I pay attention, I can spot that observation myself. I'm seldom hungry, but want to eat.

Chasing the high is similar, but the dynamics may be a bit different (not sure). We did get a buzz in our early drinking days, but that diminished over the years. Subconsciously, we remember the buzz and try to re-create it. Just because we no longer get the buzz, doesn't mean we are not conditioned to expect it. So then we then drink out of impulse, but with addiction, there are many more aspects to why we behave so irrationally.

Hawkeye13

Describes my relapse pattern perfectly Non. . . I wanted wanted wanted it but it always was a disappointment. Crap buzz lasting minutes, then on to blackout, dark thoughts, meanness, insomnia, and lengthier anxiety each time (thanks kindling. . . )

Drinking at age 18 and drinking at 57 are not even remotely the same thing for me. The devil, in this case addiction, has taken his due and the reality is no wise like the fantasy in my mind or in the media. True for so many of us I expect.

The silver lining of the pleasure of recovery has been a silver lining in all this. For so long, I envisioned an alcohol-free life as grey and grim, devoid of light pleasure. The opposite has proved true. . .

Triggered

On the subject of dopamine, I've learned recently from watching a video of a female neuroscientist (whose name escapes me, sorry) that theres something else we need to consider. She basically said that after long periods of addiction, our dopamine balance is out of kilter (unsurprisingly) and that it is important to redress that balance. Im paraphrasing here obviously but she recommends that we should 'stress' our minds. That can take the form of reading complex text or applying your mind to difficult puzzles that tax your brain. The more we do this, the sooner we return our dopamine levels to normal and also, maybe more importantly, we release the appropriate amount at the appropriate time.

MLD51

That's really interesting, Triggered. I knew about the dopamine thing, but I had not heard about the complex text or puzzles bit. Makes sense though.
Not only does dopamine production decrease in addiction, but the receptors are damaged. So it takes more and more of the alcohol or drugs to get the pleasurable sensation we used to feel. And undoing that damage takes a considerable amount of time. That's why most of us go through a period of feeling "flat" - not much emotional response to anything. I remember when I first started to feel any sort of joy again after sobering up. It was a really great feeling, and I hadn't realized how much I had been missing it.

Dee74

Hating drinking but feeling powerless to stop sounds like me for sure.
Congrats on 28 months Nons!

D

KittyMama00

Thank you Nonsensical and congratulations on 28 months of sobriety!

fini

“I could drink and no one would ever know”

since you like clear and concise, let me just say that you are quite wrong there: somebody would know. yes, indeed. the most important person would know.

you’re not nobody.

oh, i can be so annoying;-)

lessgravity

What's up Non! Thank you for the post, had me nodding this morning. Even more a huge congrats on your sober time. As you may know you are one of the people here who helped me personally get sober so it is awesome to hear you are doing the same for yourself. I know all about that alone time you are going to have this weekend and how we used to use it to get as obliterated as possible. Ugh, such sad, vile memories for me - the hiding, lying, trying not to slur on the phone so the wife wouldn't know, the promise of a day to myself with some booze only to be blacked out and just a general POS by mid-day. But those are just memories now. Enjoy the time and the peace you have when you wake up in the morning knowing you had yet another sober sleep. Great stuff man. Congrats.